A day in the life of the Bang

Why more and more medical students are choosing lifestyle specialties

2008-12-07T12:44:00.000-08:00

I'm not going to lie. I used to be in the crowd calling medical students who chose specialties such as dermatology, radiology, Ophthamology, etc, lazy, and maybe even sell-outs depending on the day. But as I think harder about the issue of career choice, how could I or anyone call anyone who chose to go to medical school lazy?

I don't think the increase in popularity of lifestyle specialties is due to the inherent laziness of the individual, but because the opportunity costs of going into medicine are rising every decade. While the study of medicine may not have become harder, I do believe social and economic changes have made it a harder career choice to stick to. In earlier decades when the physician was highly respected and highly paid, and there wasn't much competition amongst other professions for such stature, the sacrifice of becoming a physician probably seemed a lot more worth it.

Now, students have an abundance of career choices upon graduation, careers that could equally lead to high societal stature and high salary. Not only that, these alternative career choices may offer shorter, less turbulent roads to the same destination. So to choose to take the harder course, one is already making a big sacrifice - which, I should mention started since high school. So after 10 years of making hard choices and enduring emotional, physical and intellectual pain to achieve a medical degree, how much more sacrifice of your life can you really make?

I guess the answer to that questions depends on what motivated you to enter medicine in the first place - more altruistic or more selfish; and if you entered for more altruistic reasons (I don't think any decision is 100% altruistic), then have your reasons stuck with you, or has the process morphed them along the way? Afterall, we're all (even doctors), only human.

I'm not really jet lagged

2008-09-18T17:10:00.000-07:00

I've been in the UK for almost two weeks now and have this bad habit of going to sleep at about 5 AM. At first I thought it was because my brain was still calibrated to the Pacific Time Zone. But, I've come to terms with the truth of the matter. I'm tired at night, but can't go to sleep because I'd rather be reading, watching television, or meeting new people. I spent the last two years studying practically nothing but medicine. Now that I have license to explore interests outside of the human body and what happens when it is diseased, I have been spending my time devouring anything and everything in my sight that is not medical in nature. It feels good!

Re-Discovering My Purpose

2008-05-21T02:00:00.001-07:00

For the past couple of month's I have felt lost and without purpose. This is quite strange since purpose is what got me to medical school, and purpose is what I had always believed would get me through this arduous journey! But alas, it seems that as soon as my greater dreams began coming true, the harder it was for me to remember why I had dreamt them in the first place.

As a kid I wanted to grow up and be a famous scientist who would help society in some big way. After my freshman chemistry class shook that delusion loose, I decided that in medicine I would find my passion and would still be able to improve society as a whole by helping the disadvantaged; both in fulfilling their need for healthcare and by advocating for greater social good.

I guess I can call it youthful idealism that has been replaced by the realities of the adult world. But it's not just that. There are plenty of kids my age so full of passion that they're moving and shaking local communities and bringing greater good about in both small and large ways. The idealism of their formative years hadn't yet whithered away, so why had mine?

Laying in bed tonight, I realized what my problem was. I am a "judger" and have always been. Something is good, bad, or not worth my qualitative assessment, i.e. it gets ignored. Living in America today, its easy to make a lot of negative judgments - e.g. Yes we have abundance in this country but why must people take so much advantage of it that they become obese? Why must people be so selfish as to only worry about what's in it for them? Why must people have such low self-esteem that they engage in such self-destructive behaviors? Why do so many lie, cheat, and steal their way to the finish line? Why are future leaders so passive-aggressive? And why the hell do people at a prestigious university use "like" all the damn time?!

It's just too easy to get frustrated with people, culture, and society as a whole these days and just damn it all to hell.

But as I thought about my traits as a "judger" I wondered, wouldn't my life be that much easier if I just stopped passing judgment on people? What if instead I lived by two rules - never intentionally hurt anyone and always try to make other people feel good/better about themselves. These are two principles my mother has always harped on, and though I believed in them conceptually, I now realize its time for me to put them into ACTION.

My academic advisor gave me a packet of information that he compiled to help his students focus and "be better people." As I read through it, one quote stuck out to me:

"Please, my friends, be kind, for everyone you meet is fighting a hard battle." -- Plato

The more I thought about it, the more I realized it was in fact true, it seems to be a fundamental state of being human. While there are always the exceptions, most of us are battling with something. If its not feelings of inadequacy, its fear of failure. If its not a broken heart, its a broken dream. Family members fall sick, companies cut jobs. On top of it all, the competition gets fiercer every day and many of us are trying to keep our heads above water. Indeed, all of us are fighting in some way.

Having said that, how many times has someone made your load easier to bear? The question I asked myself was how helpful is it for me to grimace at people I can't stand or who I'm not interested in getting to know? How helpful is it for me to judge another as weaker and treat them callously? There are plenty of people who are always trying to bring people down, but few who are always trying to pull people up.

I've had great examples from friends who are good at putting a smile on another's face. And now, instead of seeing the niceties of others as just a superfluous pattern of behavior that means nothing, I now understand it's deeper impact.

Though I've gone in quite a circuitous route, I am glad to have re-discovered my purpose - never put down, always lift up. In living by these principles alone, my judgments won't matter. The fact is I have no idea what another person might be going through and I definitely don't want to add to the frustration, anger, pain, and emptiness so many people feel in this country.

I'm pretty sure I'll be able to keep up my new approach to life. This time, its not just about "being nice" so I can get something. It's about giving someone else a little happiness they can hold on to.

Random Motivators

2008-02-02T16:37:00.000-08:00

I have an exam coming up soon, and for the longest time I was unable to motivate myself to study for it with the intensity needed; until I went on facebook.

I started clicking through friends' profiles and then I came across a picture of a gorgeous girl who was a friend of a friend. I clicked on her profile and lo and behold she was a model/pageant winner/Fortune 500 consultant. She has a really cute boyfriend to boot and lots of friends.

I thought WOWZA! I don't got looks like that nor can I afford the lifestyle she can.

Thankfully, instead of feeling envious, I had a more mature epiphany: my looks ain't gonna get me THAT far, so I better make sure I'm damn good at whatever it is I do.

Then like that, all my motivation to study came back.

Shallow? Maybe. But it worked!

The good thing about being single is,,,

2008-01-31T00:45:00.000-08:00

you get to refine your dating strategy by observing how other people mess up!

Case in point: There is this guy that used to come over a lot in the beginning of the year. He's a first year med student and him and my roommate (also a first year med student) would hang out a lot. I couldn't tell if they were dating or not.. he's a bit robotic. But the other day my other roommate told me that they're bf/gf not quite, maybe. Problem here? The roommate makes it way too easy for him. He comes, hangs out, they do god knows what, they cook together, chat etc. Easy. He can stay in limbo for however long he wants because either way, he'll get the same benefits. Seems like a bad strategy to me if you want someone as your bf.

Besides that, I have begun to reconcile a lot of conflicting information in my head. For the most part, I think many of the tactics I described were a bit on the manipulative bitch side. But men love sweet women, so how can you win the best guys when you're a manipulative bitch? Well actually that answer is simple, but point being - if being mean isn't your thing, how do you stay ahead in the courtship game when you know many men love challenges?

It dawned on me. You don't have to be mean AND manipulative. You can be sweet as a Georgia peach (are they really that sweet? I've never had one) and manipulative. I don't really like using manipulative in this case because it sounds as if you have an ulterior motive going where you get all the benefits and the guy gets none. Really, what the aim of seduction really is is to create fun and excitement for both parties.

The tactic? Be as nice and as charming as you can be when in his presence, but don't give in easily. It's that simple! LOL! I can't believe it took me what, 24 years to realize this!

I'm usually sarcastic, aloof, pretty much I usually give off the vibe that I can't be bothered. And if I am in the mood to flirt, I'll sting you a time or two - blame it on my sun sign.

While this weeds out the weak it also makes me feel bad that I make other people feel bad.. even if its unintentional. If that makes sense...

But I'm on this "value added" kick. What value do I add to a situation? To a person? Maybe I'll expand on this concept at another time... but for now I'll test my hypothesis and report the results as they come in. (Don't hold your breath. Med school isn't the most social venture on earth..)

I'm going to be a nicer person, for real for real this time

2008-01-26T15:18:00.000-08:00

I've told people that I am attempting to turn a new leaf and be a "nicer" person; that is, less judgmental, more approachable, more "smiley," more giving, etc.

But I haven't been doing a good job of it.

Today I remembered something my mom told me a while back. She told me that as humans we all depend on each other. We're not lions or tigers and we don't have huge muscles or teeth to fend off attacks and obtain our own food. We depend on the kindness of others to get through our day, to eat, to feel important.. pretty much, to survive. So she asked, what is the point of being human if you can't help another person? What is your purpose in life if you can't serve as the shoulder to cry on, the person with a wealth of advice, the person who just smiles from time to time. You don't have to be a counselor or doctor to provide people with the things they need. You just need to be a nice person with a good heart.

It's easy for me to forget all of this when I'm not getting my way in life or I'm just tired in general. But really, what purpose am I living for if no one can depend on me? Also as important, how do I expect to receive goodness from the universe when I'm not putting it out there on a regular basis?

So with that, I am going to be a nicer person, for real, for real this time. I promise

Why specialization is key in medicine

2008-01-21T19:24:00.000-08:00

I can no longer count how many times I've felt like a complete idiot for not knowing something during the course of this last year and a half in medical school. I got so conscious about my lack of knowledge that I started to observe my classmates - did they really know that much more than me?

Some of them most certainly do. I'm not going to lie. But a lot of them knew just as much or less than I did about certain things at a given moment. Phew! I'm not the class dunce!

But what I realized from all this neurotic behavior.. well sorta neurotic... is that we can't all know it all! There is just too much information!

I've had professors who say things like, "well we're not going to ask you to memorize this like they did in the old days. The only reason they memorized it back then is because that is all we knew about the body."

Now we know so much more! Its an information overload! Everywhere - not just Medicine.

I've heard about the con's of specialization - staying in your own realm of expertise may make someone myopic and seem less like a "real" doctor to some, but let me tell yah, its necessary!

With all the new things we're learning about disease, if something's up with my kidney I'd feel MUCH better going to a kidney specialist. I want someone who knows everything there is to know about the kidney, someone who loves the kidney so much they chose it as a career path, someone who has a picture of a kidney on their wall! Because an internal medicine doc has to know waaayy too much about the entire body to tell me everything there is to know about the kidney.

That's just the way it is. And thats fine by me!

I plan on going into neurology, with an emphasis on people who have numbness in their pinkie. I'll be the best pinkie specialist ever! (I kid of course.)

Love from an Economic Standpoint

2008-01-14T08:32:00.000-08:00

I was thinking that I could sum up my previous post using economics!

In a nutshell, as a black woman, student, with no real income or accomplishment to my name, my market value is low due to low demand. Thus, I would have to sell myself at a price way below my value. Instead, I will invest myself in other ventures that will have a bigger pay off in time - education, career, traveling, etc - until market forces change such that demand increases to the point of my true value. Then maybe I'll IPO in the dating market.

The Politics of Dating: Why black is never the first choice

2008-01-14T01:10:00.000-08:00

I write this post at the risk of sounding like I'm complaining, but that is not my aim. I'll preface all of this by saying I love who I am and where I come from and would have it no other way. Onward we go!

I had an acquaintance in college (she was black) who would say, "You know Bang, if we had the same looks on a 10 point scale as we did now, but we were white or Asian, we'd have sooo many more dating options!" I sort of saw her point at the time, but didn't pay it much mind. I was still getting my fair share of attention from the opposite sex and having fun in college so, to me, her point didn't matter much. But after a few years of post-graduate dating and reflecting on my experiences, she was dead-on.

Why though?

It dawned on me that a lot of what was said about dating within the African-American community was right. I often heard the argument that black men chased after white women because they wanted these women as a status symbol. After years of being oppressed, to a black man, having a white woman was a sign that he meant something in society. I guess I dismissed this argument because it just made me sad - I, as a black woman, wasn't good enough for men of my own race? Hm.

Instead of believing in this race/class/political view of love, I believed that at least beauty could conquer anything; that is, no matter what race you are, if you're beautiful, anyone will want to date you. But I'm starting to realize something. For as much as my friends think I'm easy on the eyes, for all the compliments I get from men and women, what do I have to show for it? Not much. My non-black friends who are as attractive or less attractive than I have lots to show - gifts, vacations, cards, flowers. You name it, they've gotten it from their admirers.

Before seeing this as a race/class/political issue, I just wanted to believe that I just didn't have the qualities that my friends possessed that engendered so much admiration from the opposite sex. But I'm starting to think that, yes beauty will get you somewhere in the dating game, but it is not the whole story.

Quite frankly, I don't think I'm anyone's first pick when it comes to dating. Yeah they might find me attractive, funny, fun to hang out with. But somehow, someway, they pick someone else to date. The funny thing is that the other person has never been black - if that were the case then I'd feel we were on equal ground except she was prettier, funnier, etc. I used to think part of it was intimidation. But come to think about it, how many guys do I know that spent all of their time in college dating various women, and when it came time to graduate - Oh by the way Bang, you're hot! Bye! Maybe it wasn't intimidation after all. Maybe its because racially/socially/politically black ain't at the top of too many people's list.

I think part of the selection is conscious and part of it is not. White people in this country, for the most part, have most of the power and minorities have the least. People want to associate themselves with powerful people. This notion can subconsciously slip into the dating game. Hence, if a man is presented with pictures of 2 beautiful women, one being black and the other being white, I'm inclined to believe that a majority of men in the U.S. would go with the white woman.

I have to say that people of mixed race are often in a class of their own. Their beauty and exoticism, plus claim to a majority race makes them pretty perfect.

The thing about my claims are that they're just that, claims. They come from my experience and quite often, people who don't experience the same things don't see the world the same way.

Am I bitter? No. Not yet. Maybe if I'm 30 and have spent a decade being passed over by men I would love to date but who don't put me as their first choice the bitterness will set in.

We'll see.

Do things just happen?

2007-12-05T23:11:00.000-08:00

As they say, we manifest into our lives that which we believe.

I wonder though, is this an all or none phenomenon?

I vacillate between feeling as if life just "happens" to you and thinking that, we can have anything we want, as long as we want it, believe in it, and work towards it.

Starting from friendship

2007-12-04T21:24:00.000-08:00

Anyone who has read my blog is probably sick and tired of hearing me go on ad nauseum about how relationships should start off as friends first. But today another reason dawned on me as to why this approach works so well.

In a way, as slight or subconscious as it might be, when we pursue someone romantically, we are asking them to do something for us; namely, to like us in return, to return our affections, and to be responsible for our emotions. This can weigh on how someone interacts with you.

On the other hand, approaching someone as a friend or potential friend does not weigh as heavily on either of you. Your interactions exist to give something to one another without demanding reciprocations. Reciprocation is implicit since you would only stay friends with someone, for the most part, if you received as much social benefit from them as they receive from you.

I'd say this mutual reciprocation is a good foundation for romantic relations to come later.

Anyway, back to studying...

What Obnoxious People Teach Us

2007-12-01T17:37:00.000-08:00

I recently had a conversation with a friend who sought advice from me about dealing with people you don't like. I guess I should be an expert by now since I've been in a sea of people I don't quite like for quite some time! In any case, through talking to her I realized something about obnoxious people - they can bring out the worst in you or help you grow as a person. If they do the latter, maybe its best you thank them for their behavior?

In all seriousness, obnoxious people are to the regular person what sick people are to doctors and scientists. It sucks to be the sick person, but to the observer, healer, and investigator, sick people represent a chance for one to learn not only about disease processes in the human being but also about the normal mechanisms of the human body.

Why do we find someone obnoxious? When you really think about it, it could be that they remind you of a trait that you detest in yourself. Or they are engaging in behavior that is not considered to be socially acceptable. For example, a person you find obnoxious because they brag about their success. In most settings, we like people who are humble. So the obnoxious person is breaking a certain social rule. But really, why do most people like those who are humble? I'd postulate that when someone brags about their success it causes us to take a magnifying lens to our own lives. "Have I done anything nearly as successful as this person?" If not, the obnoxious person may just make you feel like a loser, even if you only feel that way subconsciously.

Wow! Feeling like a loser. That's not such a great feeling. Many of us have been complemented and supported most of our lives because we were "smart," "successful," "attractive," etc. And now here comes someone to rain on your parade and make you question how smart, successful, or attractive you really are.

What to do? What to do?

Well, some people lash out at the obnoxious person or simply just spew vile things about the person to make them "go away" and make the negative feelings of inadequacy go away. "Ugh I can't stand that bitch. She's such a [insert negative noun]," or "She's not really hot you know. If you look at her close up she has a mole on her left cheek." Or we find ways to reduce the size of their achievements,"yeah anyone could do that if they were given a leg up too." Either way, whether these thoughts are said out loud or to ourselves, the purpose of these comments are to make US feel better about OURSELVES. I've been guilty of this many a times. But after 4 + 1 years (undergrad + grad school) of being around people I can't stand, I'm learning to turn that frown upside down!

When I'm confronted with an obnoxious person or a person I don't particularly like, while my initial response may be to say something negative, I try to get to the root of my dislike, and once I get there I try to fix my negative feelings by substituting positive feelings or actions. For instance overachievers in my field can stir a lot of negative feelings in many people. But making fun of an overachiever is just too easy. Furthermore many overachievers are driven by low self-esteem anyway, so why feed into that?

Instead, I realize that overachievers make me wonder about how much I'm achieving, am I measuring up, and will I ever get what *I* want in my life? These are questions I do need to ask myself though, as they are important in directing my career goals. Some people might be spurred to do something, anything(!) when confronted by negative feelings that an overachiever brings them. Instead, I just make sure I'm on the right course, and if I HAVE been taking a lazy route, I know its time to get off my bum and pursue something I'M interested in; not something I think other people want to see me do. In the end, it helps me grow.

Quite honestly its easy for me to judge people and they go in a bin. My bin of "people I dislike" is always in need of a spacial upgrade whereas the "people I do like" bin always looks sparse. But to let all those people I dislike know I don't like them is to my disadvantage. Because as humans we need each other for many things and burning bridges, unless completely necessary, is silly. Furthermore, there is always a chance that a person I dislike turns out to be someone I do like later on after some crucial event.

So my friends, while it is not necessary to smile and thank people you can't stand, next time you're bitching about someone, get to the root of the matter. What is it that you don't like about that person, and how can this knowledge benefit you in some way?

Ciao!

I have a crush!

2007-11-25T10:36:00.000-08:00

Now I know this isn't late breaking important news, but, ehem, I have a bona fide crush! I've been denying it for a while but I thought, maybe if I just say it, somewhere, to someone, I'll stop thinking about it so much.

I've wondered why I even have a crush on this guy? I met him while I was still dating my ex-bf while at a party of sorts. I had drank quite a bit so I don't remember much of our conversations but I do remember him saying that right now he wants someone he can "settle down with." Maybe that's what's got me.. but then again, he's in his early 20s, so its just his hormones talking. Secondly, I'm not so much in the settling down mood anyway. So what is it really? He's really cute, fun-loving, and perceptive in strange ways. The negative? He's like a kid. We're practically the same age, but the belief that women are much more mature than men their age proves to be quite true in this situation. Though I think that part of my "crush" on this guy is fueled by the fact that I made my relationship w/ my ex so serious AND my ex is older than me. So now I think I just want to experience the flip side.

Problem is, I'm never good with crushes. The only crush I actually dated was my ex and that situation was very different than this one. My ex and I lived together and so it was easy to play the game and keep him *thinking of me* which is huge when trying to rope someone in. In this case though, we only have one mutual acquaintance who I don't talk to or hang out w/ much. Plus! There's always the issue of "competition." Most of the time, I figure girls are so bad when it comes to dating guys - overly clingy, try to rope them in w/ sex, etc. - that I stand a good chance to "win" the guy over. Problem is that with younger guys, hormones rule and thus, all the "competition" really has to do is be nice and be willing to sleep with the guy. Unless of course he is truly holding out for true relationship material.

But then again, I'm not ready for a relationship right now. But I also don't want to get involved in anything casual! So once again I'm paralyzed by my reluctance to move forward... which I guess is a good thing anyway.

The other issue is that I've ran into this guy twice after our first meeting. I know he thinks I'm attractive - he's said so - and thinks I'm "cool" - he's said so - but he's never made a move; no "hey we should hang out" on his end.

Hmph. What a state of affairs. A crush I sorta want to date but not right now...

The Brain and Dating

2007-11-19T02:53:00.000-08:00

I for one love the brain. To me, it is the most impressive organ in the body. Some may say the heart or the kidneys are equally impressive; not me.

The brain is interesting for varied reasons, but on the topic of dating, I think its interesting to think about how the brain processes information in the environment.

Deepak Chopra has written about the idea of the individual as the creator of the world rather than individuals living in a world that is pre-made. One example he cites to make one start *thinking* is the idea of roses and their color. What makes a rose red? Well a wavelength is emitted from the rose petal and the signal is picked up by our retina which has encoded this color as "red."

Taking "Dr." Chopra's thoughts further, does a bumble bee see a red rose? A bumble bee's vision is quite different from ours but it exists in the same space. Turns out they do not see red at all! They see UV light up to 700 nm. 800 nm is the wavelength for the color red. Poor bees. Red does not exist in their world. But then again, we can't see UV so who is really missing out?

But I digress. Point being, though I'm not sure I buy into the "we are the creators of our world both physical and mental" idea that "Dr." Chopra promotes, he raises and interesting point; namely, we are what we perceive.

Now here is the interesting thing about perception. For certain phenomenon it is hard to perceive things as much different than they are. Red is red to most people. But what about the the artist who through his or her craft has developed a different perception of colors such that red comes in many shades to them and that your red, is not their red. It gets more interesting when this is related to language... but I'm really digressing at this point.

Back to dating. So I've skipped the whole argument that the brain perceives things based on experience, but we'll take that as fact for now, b/c I don't have the will to construct such an argument based on actual evidence. So indulge me. If it is true that perception is based on experience of the world, then it should also be true that perceptions can be manipulated and changed.

It relates to the advice many women get - act confident and beautiful and the guy will see you as confident and beautiful. Its very easy to second guess oneself - e.g. how can I be confident and beautiful with this huge zit on my face?! (I ask myself this a lot)

But no worries. It is all about perception. Perceptions can be tinkered with. Thus why the Denzel Washington's of the world are married to women who would be called a lot less than "beautiful."

In any case, I took you through this complicated ass post just to say, perception is what you make of it. In the dating/mating game, you may not be the most beautiful girl available, but you can be the most alluring. An allure has a lot to do with perception...

Eureka!

2007-11-10T17:47:00.000-08:00

I always wondered why a lot of doctors look a lot younger for their age. I mean, I'm bad at telling people's age. But still. At 40, 50, 60+ a lot of doctors I've seen have great skin and seem to still exhibit some youthful features.

As I sit in my room on yet another Saturday night, it makes sense! Unlike their peers who go out to bars, clubs, lay in the sun, drinking and smoking (e.g. people who enjoy their lives), doctors spent a significant amount of their time studying all the damn time at home, in libraries, etc. Not as much time for all the drinking, smoking, and other environmental exposures that make us look worse as we age.

That's an upside right?

Treading water

2007-11-09T00:12:00.001-08:00

Sometimes I feel as if I am going nowhere fast
I have accomplished nothing tangible, nothing anyone can give me credit for
But, in my more lucid moments, I realize that I have not been treading water at all
Instead I have been peeling off layers, and discovering the better, more effective me
Shedding the things that are not me, and growing each day
A slow process yes
But before you know it, looking back, I will hardly recognize myself
And hardly realize how much time has gone by
It is sometimes hard to live in the moment, but it is a necessary skill
The future awaits, yes, but the future is built on each moment in the present
To learn, to live, to love, to appreciate, to live in the here and now
Hard but doable
Hard but important
One is never treading water when one is learning to do these things

New Dating Rule: Date someone who is where you want to be

2007-11-05T17:27:00.000-08:00

I had a Eu-fuckin-reka moment today.

I have this friend. My intent in this post is not to bad mouth my friend or put her down or anything, so if it comes off as such, it's just b/c I'm not very eloquent.

So anyway, I have this friend. She was dating a guy at my medical school, but they broke up and now she's dating another guy at my medical school. Not a very interesting story at first, but it becomes more interesting when I think of her dating pattern. To be honest, the reason I began thinking about her dating history was when I pointed her out to an acquaintance while at a party and told him that she was one of very few attractive medical students. Within 5 seconds yet another medical student was hitting on her. Later on this acquaintance mentioned that he thought she and I were both attractive but wondered why she got hit on all the time. He didn't go as far as to ask if I did, and if not, why not.. but that alone made me wonder. I mean it makes sense, she's pretty, she's amicable, she's very feminine - which for guys who lack a lot of masculinity is a great draw... but then my mind started to wander until I realized something about her dating pattern..

As an undergrad she was dating a guy who wanted to to get a masters from a competitive program that accepted very few candidates. They eventually broke up, but both of them got into the program. Then she started dating another guy (days after her break up with the first guy). This new guy wanted to get into med school at his alma mater, which would be a difficult task given that the med school doesn't like taking its "own" students. Lo and behold he got in. Two years later, guess who else gets in? My friend! Now she's dating a guy who has won a prestigious award. Something tells me that in the not too far future, she may be a winner of this prestigious award too. And you know what, it makes sense.

When you date someone who is doing something you want to do, you have an intimate view into the process. More than that, you have a leg up in many ways. B/c she dated a guy who was going to the medical school she wanted to gain acceptance to, she was introduced to a lot of activities on the med school campus and got involved as the head-bitch-in-charge of one activity which has led her to a really cool research project working w/ heads of the medical school, as a first year student!

The thing is, I don't think she does it on purpose. She's very genuine so I don't think she goes after guys to "learn secrets" and then move on. It makes me wonder though.. its as if destiny has put certain people in her path so that she can reach the next milestone..

It made me wonder then, does the same thing happen w/ me? Well, not really. Instead it seems like the people I date eventually end up at a better place. Though my sample size is a whopping 2 in both of these examples, my first "ex-boyfriend" wanted to be a comedian but struggled to do weekly gigs at random bars. Now? He won a national competition and will be on comedy central. Although that probably had very little to do w/ me seeing that I have no idea what it takes to be a successful comedian.. My current/last (yes we're in limbo right now) boyfriend really really wanted to go to my alma mater. Now? Two years later, he's here.

The only thing I can piece together from all these seemingly "coincidental" dating histories is that one should date someone who is where they want to be. It's the best way to get advice and to see how success is achieved! Now, I hope that you can also get to the same place by being *friends* with someone who is where you want to be.. but that might be a little more tricky.

So I guess that means I should keep an eye out for any Rhodes, Fulbright, Marshall scholars, anyone who does international health research, or anyone who has started a successful start-up. Haha, my goals are all over the place, but maybe it will be in destiny's plans to present me with a friend who can help me get ahead!

Damn I'm Lucky

2007-11-03T16:32:00.000-07:00

I had lunch with a friend today in downtown Palo Alto. I spent a lot of that time complaining about med school, but also realizing that I needed to take everything more seriously, as I'm now planning a career; as opposed to "finding myself" which is what undergraduate education is all about.

As I drove off, I looked to my right and saw a family enjoying the nice weather. It had to be around 75-80 degrees. The father carried his son on top of his shoulders. The child's grandparents followed behind, smiling and chatting. As I looked at this family I thought wow. Here I am, doing exactly what I set out to do from when I was a kid. More than that, even though I'm tied to a desk and chair now, in a few years I will have such a sense of autonomy I won't know what to do with myself! I'll be a doctor! And you can take that *anywhere.* Ok, maybe I'll have to do residency for 5 years to truly be a *useful* doctor, but you get my point.

I think the family triggered those thoughts because of their leisurely stride and happy attitude. I'm not there yet, but because of my career, one day I will be.

Anyway, back to the books..

Can you initiate contact to make friends?

2007-11-03T10:29:00.000-07:00

I learned from my undergraduate dating career that having to initiate contact with a guy to pursue a date is a big No, NO! Some people will tell you that that's bs and they pursued so and so and it worked out. Whatever, in my experience you just start out on the wrong foot. Especially because if a guy wants you that bad - which of course any guy you are considering dating should want you "that" bad - he'd find a way to contact you.

Currently I'm in an interesting situation. Having recently broken up with my boyfriend, I feel the need to make new friends; friends I can hang out with, go to parties with, etc. My mother used to say, "Don't date. You should just have 'friends'" Quite honestly I thought "friends" was code word for friends with benefits. But I've recently questioned her about the whole "friends" issue and she really just meant friends and NO benefits. Gotta love the 'rents. They're so cute.

Any how, I met this guy. We'll call him, Mr. Sportsfan. Mr. Sportsfan is in another graduate program at my University and I've met him twice.. both times I had been drinking, so had he, but I'm not sure he was drunk really. The first time I had a boyfriend and so while there was some talking going back and forth, I don't remember there being much flirting. The second time I was sans boyfriend and I *thought* we were flirting, but Mr. Sportsfan never "closed the deal" so I'll take it as innocent flirtation.

Well Mr. Sportsfan might make great "friend" material (remember friends with NO benefits). He's way too young (i.e. my age), we can just shoot the shit, and there is enough of a lack of interest on both our parts that a friendship can stay within the bounds of innocent flirting.

But seeing that I'm not good at making friends, especially guy friends, I'm kind of at a loss as to how to proceed. Since we're both single any attempt at initiating a friendly activity could be seen as trying to get a date. Furthermore, is approaching a guy for friendship as bad as approaching him for a relationship? And by approaching, I'm not suggesting calling or emailing and being like "hey can we be friends?" LAME. I mostly mean acknowledging a person's presence... which for a guy has a lot of implications..

Hm, skin block is boring me and I feel in the mood to experiment..

It's time to focus

2007-10-22T15:35:00.001-07:00

Breaking up with a person is similar to trying to have an orgasm with a person. It's rare that you both come to the same place at the same time, and one person is left feeling extremely unfulfilled.

My breakup was a long time coming I guess. The two breakups prior to this one should have been a big enough warning. But for some reason, I think the breaking up and getting back together was necessary. There was a reason we were together and the reason has now been fulfilled. The reason? That's harder to tell. Part of me believes that my bf wouldn't have made the plunge into academia if it weren't for my example or my praise of his choices. And according to him, my love helped him through some tough times. I'm always glad to be of service :-)

Eventually shit hit the fan for a few reasons - him not being sure I'm the one, and me being too young to really tell heads from tails and wanting to focus on my career.

I felt bad about it at first, but after talking to my mother and getting a reality check, I feel loads better.

A.) Don't invest emotionally in a man when you know you're not ready to settle down. Keep them as friends.

B.) There are way more important things in the world than a relationship at 23 (e.g. building a satisfying career, learning from various experiences, doing your part to help others, etc.)

C.) I'm selfish, demanding, and I get bored easily. There is a low possibility that any man could stay in a long-term relationship with me unless...

D.) I meet him at work. Once I have my professional life, I will cherish my free-time that much more. Moreover, whoever you meet on the job will know your ins and outs from a professional side and decide to love you despite your short-comings and will relate to you very differently than someone who gets to know you personally. If that makes sense.. And instead of arguing over stupid stuff, since neither of you have much time, the relationship will be that much more rewarding.

Well that's my mother's assessment of me and she hasn't been wrong yet.. so my plan of action is to stay single for a while and go back to being me. I feel like I was able to be some of me in this last relationship, but not all of me. The complete me would have gotten dumped a long time ago due to neglect and callousness...

But hey, I'm learning right? ;-)

Its nice to think that there is someone out there who can deal with me, but that I haven't met him yet because he's going to be much further along in his career and thus much better at handling my behavior because his ego is less invested.. That is fundamentally lacking in a lot of guys in their 20s, so I guess I'll have to wait until I'm actually doing something with my life as opposed to now where I'm just studying all the time and running into men who just aren't ready. But then again, neither am I!

Appreciation

2007-10-08T23:06:00.001-07:00

Sometimes I go on rants as if I never appreciate what I have and nothing is ever enough. The truth is, I often realize how lucky I am for the people and things I have in my life. Today I sent my new and old advisers yet another email about new recommendations I needed.... it was a long email too. I winced as I hit the "Send" key to each of them. One adviser replied quickly, "Don't worry! I'll get these in!" After reading that it hit me - some people don't have such enthusiastic support for their endeavors.. especially when they're as far out and ambitious as mine. I am counting my blessings...

Your 20's

2007-10-06T23:44:00.000-07:00

I think that the 20s are all about a mad dash to figure out what you want to do in life so that you're not the 40-year old loser..

On your mark, get set, go!

In Response to Mark

2007-10-04T00:21:00.001-07:00

Med School Happened! :-)

Come vacation time I'll probably have more time to spare and jot down random thoughts.. Although I'm sure a lot of good ones got away.. bummer

A Long Day...

2007-07-19T18:34:00.000-07:00

9-12:15 Teaching anatomy lab (I should have been done at 12 but there was a lot of material)
12:20 - 1:00 Staff meeting (I should have been done at 12:40 but I had to wait for someone to get back to their office)
1:06 - 2:15 Meeting with adviser (The meeting should have started at 1, but see above. The meeting should have lasted until 1:40 but my adviser was stuck at another hospital until 1:30)
2:30 - 3:12 Meeting with the president of CO-SIGN the undergraduate branch of SIGN. (Meeting should have ended by 3, but seeing how I was 15 minutes late b/c of my previous meeting and because there was a car accident which caused me to drive all the way around campus, I was 30 friggin minutes late for a meeting. God bless the undergrads and their open availabilities.
3:40 - 5:00 Test at designated traffic school test center. The test should have taken 20 minutes but...

So the day was long and I was running late and of course I get lost. I thought I knew where I was going but I didnt, so I pulled up the directions I had on my phone - yes driving while distracted to a traffic school test, ain't that rich. Well in my distraction I almost plowed through a red light. I say "almost" not becaused I stopped in time before the light but b/c I went half way through the red light before I had to screech to a halt to avoid hitting the car passing in front of me. I missed causing a multi-car accident by an inch. 2 cars were within an inch or two of slamming into my side. Then there were the 10 or so cars behind each car. Thank goodness for people keeping their brakes maintained.

A bit frazzled I finally find my destination. I was supposed to be there are 3:30 to take the 20 minute test but I apologize to the guy citing that I was lost. Despite the fact that the website says that tests administered at their many sites are free of charge, the guy at the packing store.. who apparently has a "Traffic Testing" station in the back tells me its $5 per 20 minute time slot. Um, ok whatever, I just need to take this stupid test for my speeding ticket citation (I also speeded on my way to the testing center... apparently the ticket taught me nothing).

After giving me a shpeal the guy goes to the back to set up the test. He eventually calls me back and I sit at the computer at 4:00 pm. He said that I had 25 minutes before the test would idle and continued to talk about other things even though my time was limited. I went through the test taking my time since I had 20 minutes and submitted the test at 4:19. To my surprise I get an error message. The software "Cannot register the test center ID." I call the guy to the back and he informs me that the message came up because I took more than 20 minutes to finish the test.

Me: No sir, I did not take more than 20 minutes, I sat here exactly at 4 pm. I submitted the test at 4:19.
Him: You can take it up with the traffic school or take the test again.
Me: I need to take the test again, but I think its unfair to charge me an extra $5 when I was not given a full 20 minutes.
Him: Well thats not my fault. It's the software the traffic school gives me.
Me: No, I would say that you are at fault here, sir. Firstly, you said I had 25 minutes.
Him: Well you have to go by what the software says. I simply charge for each time you take the test.
Me: Well I want to speak to the manager then.
Him: I am the manager.
Me: Ok then, this needs to be resolved so I can take another test. I was not given my full 20 minutes and so I should not be charged another $5.
Him: I simply charge you each time you take a test. If you want to take another test, its going to be another $5.
Me: But its not my fault that I have to take another test in the first place! I was not given my full 20 minutes. In the time it took you to call me over and talk to me about logistics, my time was running on the test. So your actions led to me not having adequate time.
Him: No, according to the test you did not finish in 20 minutes. If you don't like it you can call the traffic school or take the test elsewhere.
Me: Sir I don't have time to take this test elsewhere, I need to do it today.
Him: Well we're not going to move on to the next test until you pay for this test.
Me: But that's ridiculous! You're the cause of me not finishing the test, thus you shouldn't be able to charge me again.
Him: Ma'am it is not my fault. I am just using the software that was sent to me. You can take it up with the traffic school or take the test elsewhere.
Me: Ok Fine. I don't care anymore. I'll pay another $5 but this issue needs to be resolved first so that other customers don't have this problem. Right before you log in, you should have the customer standing next to you in order to reduce the time spent with the test running. Its unfair to the customer if they think they have 20 minutes - which by the way again you told me 25 minutes - but they actually have less than that since you pull up the test before the person gets there.
Him: Ok ma'am if you don't like how things are done here I'm going to ask that you go to another testing site.
Me: I don't have time to go to another testing site! You said that this issue had to be resolved before you open another test. I'm trying to resolve it with you but you're asking me to go!
Him: Ma'am I will call the testing site on your behalf.
Me: What?
"Manager" picks up the phone and walks OUTSIDE.
I follow the "Manager" to hear what he's saying.
"Manager" walks away so I can't be in earshot.
I say screw it and stand in the store. As he comes in -
Him: (On the phone with who knows who) Well is there something you say to customers that are "difficult." I mean its causing disruption in my store.
Him: (To me) I tried to call them to see if there is another testing site around here, but there isn't.
Me: Sir I don't even want to argue anymore. I'll pay whatever fee. Can you please just log me in.
Him: Yes, I just need your drivers license again.
Me: Fine.
(This time I walk back with him to the computer and wait until the test comes up)
(Test comes up I immediately move to the computer and try to sit down. The "Manager" slowly gets up and starts talking again.)
Me: See sir! You're talking right now. I'm trying to take this test and your talking is eating into my time!
Him: You got 20 minutes the first time. I don't know, other people manage to finish on time.
Me: Sir, you don't have to be rude to me. I go to med school, I'm not an idiot.
Him: See! That's rude!
Me: Sir What you said to me was rude. I responded in kind. In any case I am trying to finish this test.
Him: What you said was rude.
Me: Ok (distracted by the test).
(Finally finish stupid test)
Me: Sir I'm done with the test, what do I do now?
Him: You should get a prompt that says that you will receive a confirmation email.
Me: Oh, ok, thank you sir.
(I walk to the front and pull out my wallet.)
Him: No, thats OK its free of charge.
Me: Thank you sir. (I leave)

My fears

2007-06-10T21:40:00.000-07:00

If you've been in earshot of me in the following week, you could probably deduce that right now my greatest fear is dying in a plane crash.. It doesn't help that I'm getting on a 15 hour flight in less than a week.. which I guess is what prompted the fear in the first place. But while after 9/11 I have feared horrible plane mishaps, this time the fear has been more intense.. to the point that I keep talking about it! (Blog subject case in point)

But I think I'm finally realizing why I'm so afraid. My fear is stemming from my position in life right now and my view of the future. Usually in my life there is something seriously lacking. Either I'm on the verge of being broke, or I'm struggling to keep up with my workload, or people in my family are fighting, or my love life sucks... but now, none of that is happening. I'm almost done with my first year of med school, my bf treats me like gold, I'm getting to visit my mom for a week in Europe, and when I get back I'll actually be doing research on a patient population I have always dreamed of working with.

So right now I fear that everything is too good to be true and that it can all be snatched away from me in the blink of an eye. Its like my mother says - When things are bad, be happy that things can't get worse, and good things are around the corner. When things are good, honey, be afraid, because things will get bad soon. And thats part of life.

Lol. There has to be a happy medium.. but I'm having no luck finding it right now :-/

Awkward mom talks

2007-05-30T23:19:00.001-07:00

Haha! It finally dawned on me what my mom was just trying to tell me. And I quote "If you want someone to be emotionally dependent on you and don't mind being restricted and don't have enough energy to tackle life by yourself, then yeah there's marriage. But if you want to be independent and always be in control of your time, then you can just have a friend. I condone people having friends. I'm not going to lie. Life is rough. Its even worse when you do it alone. Although its not like you're not alone in marriage. Its human nature to get tired of someone after a few years. I think its best to marry someone who travels."

Which is her way of saying, "Bang, marriage sucks and life sucks. Even if you marry the right person, just know that its going to put limits on you. Only do it if you really don't have the energy to do things by yourself. But hey, don't knock FWBs. If you want to be independent then just get a FWB and call it a day."

Ha!

Are you SURE????

2007-05-30T15:56:00.001-07:00

I pride myself on being able to ignore the main stream and walk to the beat of my own drum... but two things happened that are making me realize I'm moving further away from who I am, not closer.

The first one is simple: I'm going away for a week and needed someone to watch Max. I, almost reflexively, asked my boyfriend to do it, not realizing that since he works all day the person who would end up doing it was his mom. When I left for 3 weeks for winter break his parents watched my dog for most of the time. So I asked him, and he ended up asking his mother who responded A.) She's going to be gone half of the week so the other half my dog would have to be stuck in the kennel with their two other dogs and B.) She didn't want to spend half of her week watching another dog.

As soon as my boyfriend said this I thought, "Oh no! How careless of me!" One thing that has always stuck with me since I was a kid was my mother's idea that overstaying your welcome is practically a sin. You should never be a burden on other people. I should have realized that the 3 weeks during winter break was enough and should have never asked again...

Second point:

I was talking to a friend about her relationship stories when she turned and asked how things were going w/ my bf. And I said that they were fine blah blah. And she asked the dreaded question as to whether or not we were "serious." Instead of my usual hemming and hawing I responded, "yeah I want to get married.. or maybe just engaged.. I dunno its a weird feeling." To which she responded, "Whoa! Are you 100% sure with him? Didn't you guys just kinda break up?" It was kind of like I was just walking aimlessly in the relationship department, not really conscious of my surroundings, just kind of blurting things out. Then her question was the apple that fell on my head. Ok, not quite as profound as an apple, maybe more like a stray pebble. I thought about it and said, "You know, I don't know." She laughed and said that I SHOULD know something about it if I'm speaking about FOREVER. I agreed and then had to run.

I think somehow, unconsciously, the idea of marriage slipped into my head. Granted he mentioned it in conversation at some point in our 'getting back together' talk, but again, the Bang I know would have just brushed it off as hot air until I had further proof of his qualifications. Then I realized its almost June - marriage season. Which makes May engagement season. Then I thought back to my trip with my sorority sisters and realized that marriage was ALL anyone was really talking about. As people talked about their marriages, their engagements, their future hopes for a wedding, I was just moping around about my recent break up.. but somehow it all seeped in and just became a "given."

So in this sense, I haven't been marching to my own drummer. Not that I can help the subconscious messages I receive from day to day, but if I'd THINK more, I'd realize what it was that was driving me to do and think things I wouldn't normally think or do.

I blame part of this on school. Thinking becomes so tiring that sometimes I don't mind turning my brain off from time to time...

Funny, as soon as I decided to start "thinking" again a weight lifted off of me.. I've had to do a lot of "weight lifting" recently and I'm not quite sure what it could be beyond my environment. Old med students with families and young insecure med students who work my nerve.. not the best place to be, but whatcha gonna do? Go to business school for a year! Thats what! :-)

And for my next trick...

2007-05-19T21:23:00.000-07:00

Haha, I know relationships aren't supposed to involve "tricks" or "hurdles" or the like, but I can't help but think of Rex's friend L who stands as my beacon of light as to getting what you want from a relationship. My next big goal is to get the bf to go to school w/ me on a different coast (I know! HUGE)

Anyway, in my procrastination I've been trying to make a short list of b schools I'd like to go to. For a while I was only looking at one year programs, but I've been thinking that it might not be to my benefit to shorten the degree since I have NO business background. I finally decided that I would take the 2 years off needed to get the degree (if necessary) and in doing so, I feel my options are much more abundant since I don't have to consider staying in the local area so I can coordinate a 1.5 year program. ANYWAY I've been considering schools that are on the east coast (GASP!) I know! Its sooo cold!

But part of the problem in considering schools that are out of state is that its been really hard to get myself to seriously consider applying mostly because of... the bf. Ugh. Its like my worst nightmare. I can hear my mother saying "Don't you ever make decisions based on a man!" blaring in my ear... And then I think... wait a second. He's thinking of going to b school too, maybe we can both go out of state!

Oh lord.. but then I'd have to consider the implications of my proposal to do such a thing. "Hey babe, so I was thinking, how about we both apply to schools in other states!"

Well then um, ehem, that would definitely mean the relationship was getting pretty serious. The only people who usually do the "apply to the same schools around the country" thing are either married, or engaged, or about to do one of those two things really soon...

But I can't help myself..lol.. sad. I've been trying to think of things that might sell a home grown Californian on leaving the state.

1.) It would only be for 2 years
2.) You'd get to meet new people and see new things, and it would only be for 2 years
3.) It broadens your contacts, and its only for 2 years
4.) You wouldn't have to go it alone! (Though we might end up hating each other...)
4.) You'd get to experience a different way of life, and if you don't like it, thats OK b/c its only 2 years!

Uhh.. thats all I can come up with :-/ I figure though that I can bring up this proposal and see what happens. If he doesn't like the idea then, well, seeing that I'd be excited to leave the state with him, I'll have to consider doing it without him as well... cause "You should never make decisions based on a man!" Uh uuuh, shooot. Lol.. ugh

Funny observation - B school vs. Med School

2007-05-17T23:49:00.001-07:00

I went on a tour of the hospital today; a tour given by performance executives i.e. people who went to B school and now run the financial ins and outs of the hospital. There were a few things that stuck in my mind, but the most interesting was a particular moment where I was reminded that deep down, even if I'm interested in financial work or policy work, I'll always be a doctor at heart (when I finally get my MD that is.)

We were given a tour of the hospital's $4 mill surgery/ER simulation center. The director of the program talked to us a bit about what it took to bring the technology to Stanford and what the technology can be used for. She mentioned that there is now a push to start having surgeons be certified in areas of expertise and one way they could get this certification would partly be dependent on them working on simulation equipment for X amount of hours. The B school kid standing next to me immediately said, "Wow, so this is becoming a big business market." Meanwhile in my mind I thought, "Wow, this technology could really increase surgeon accuracy and performance, which may lead to better patient outcomes!"

Go fig..

Why do people..

2007-05-17T09:56:00.000-07:00

Add their significant others to their "interests" on facebook? Honestly why? The interesting part is the people who do this aren't the girls, but the guys! The times I've seen a guy do this:

Guy 1.) He was clearly too obsessed and the girl ended up breaking up with him. Although he has not learned his lesson and his new girlfriend is listed under his interests once again.
Guy 2.) They are now engaged although she pretty much had to wrangle him down, but she must have been doing something right since he added her as an "interest/activity"
Guy 3.) Not quite sure.. its the one that prompted this post. They've been together for about 5 years so maybe that indicates that he's going to propose sometime soon?

I don't know though.. if my bf added me as an "interest" or "activity" I would slap him and say, "Hey! You clearly don't have enough to do right now. Why don't you take the time to interest yourself in increasing your salary or moving up the corporate ladder. Or better yet, if you've got extra time on your hands, go feed some orphans."

Lol, I'm such a romantic as you can tell :-p

Youth

2007-05-13T10:14:00.000-07:00

I went to a party last night, and despite my exam this coming Monday, I'm glad I went. While I was elated to see friends and hang out and chat, what made me more glad to have gone is what the party did for my perspective.

I don't know why, but I go through these phases of feeling like a kept woman and wondering about kids, marriage, and my future home life to the rebellious youth who knows what she knows and wants to do things her way. After spending a night looking around at old, fat, short, and balding men I woke up this morning actually frightened about the idea of marriage. I take this as a good sign actually. I mean its not like marriage is roses and daisies ALL the time. You're going to want to look over at the person and tell them to STFU...now! You're going to be so annoyed at the things you once thought were "cute." "I can't believe you got us lost again! WTF is wrong with you???" vs "Oh its so cute, she can't find her way out of a paper bag." Oy veh! Not fun!

Though the alternatives are A.) Doing what more people are doing these days and cohabitating.. um no thanks or B.) Never getting married and being perpetually single... well if I want kids, I also want to give them a stable father figure.. so maybe not so much either...

But for the most part I feel again, that my engines have been "unclogged." That the murkey, muddiness of emotions that colored my past few weeks has dissipated and now I can look at the future with bright youthful eyes and notions of changing the world rather than thoughts of changing diapers.

Seeing that human evolution has deemed me of prime child-bearing age, I'm pretty sure I'm going to waver like this for quite some time. I swear my body is trying to hint certain things to me that I don't want to deal with right now.. i.e. having babies.. but for now I'll fight my biological urges until I hit an age where I'm like, "all right, I'm bored, whats next?" Apparently for a lot of people this age is 27....

I'm Better Because...

2007-05-12T15:37:00.000-07:00

Have you ever had that moment in your life where your definition of good, important, or worthwhile differed greatly from someone else's opinion of what was good, important, or worthwhile? There may have even been a hint of jealousy in your assumptions. I call this the "I'm better because" moment.

In college I struggled to keep up w/ people who seemed so much smarter, funnier, richer. By the end of sophomore year though, I found my own niche. I found that I didn't have to work harder, but smarter and that having a "creative" fashion sense and being social was worth more than slaving away in the library week after week just to earn an A+. So for me, I was better because the nerd who got an A+ wasn't as fun to be around, had terrible fashion sense, and a narrow perspective.

Then came medical school. My classmates can be a royal pain mostly because they are the same people I made fun of when I was an undergrad. Their views on many things are so myopic that sometimes I want to puke.

But I realized something today. I just got an email informing me that, surprise surprise, I didn't get the TAship that I really wanted. I was down for a minute but then thought, oh well, less work for me, plus my bf will be going to school with me next year so now I'll have more time to spend with him.

As I thought those thoughts, I signed on to facebook to see that one of my classmates who I can't really stand, but for whatever reason accepted her "friend" invitation announced that she got the TAship that I really wanted. Plus she also got the coveted anatomy TAship that pays like whoa.

Oh it was too easy to have an "I'm better because" moment. I'm better b/c I dont have an annoying screatchy voice, there is more going on in my life than just sitting in the library all day, aand of course, my standard "I have better perspective."

But I had to stop myself. Clearly I'm a tad jealous b/c I also wanted the TAship. Also, I find it obnoxious when people are all surprised when they get something despite walking on coals to get it. Like oh I'm so surprised I got a perfect score even though I spent 60 hours a week in the library, who would have thunk!

But besides that, I am glad that I did realize that my annoyance did stem from some jealousy and that I was able to squelch the jealous "I'm better because" urge by telling myself, hey, she worked harder, she deserves it. In life what's yours is truly yours, so clearly this TAship was not for me. Something else that better suits me will come along and I'll realize that all along it was the path of least resistance.

Then again, EVERYONE does this. Like even the guy who's a bum does this to people who live in fancy houses. "Oh those rich snobs. They have no clue what life is about! But I do!" Haha.. I don't know what the purpose of this "I'm better because" urge is.. but I guess in a way each time we do it it is because we feel that there are standards set that we have not met, and instead of saying we are a failure, we re-define said standards. For example, me not getting the TAship could mean, a.) I didn't work hard enough or b.) I'm an idiot and the person that got it is better than me academically. But instead I justify my failure by saying, a.) I just don't have the discipline to stare at a book that long and b.) I don't think the ability to stare at a book that long is really worth more than the time I spent doing I dont know what.. wasn't like I was out saving the world or anything...

Oh well.. med school has become much more of a personal learning experience than I could have imagined... I guess I shouldn't be too surprised.. even though I'm at the same school, its a different group of people and a higher set of standards in a way...

Ah well, you win some, you lose some....

And oh yes, it IS the girl that was doing the whole "whoa is me" routine when thinking of which TAship to go for. I guess she really did have a reason to be so torn. UGH

What in the HELL was I thinking?

2007-05-11T21:00:00.000-07:00

While I know it is important to stop being strategic about dating at some point (ehem marriage) I can't help but wonder why I allowed myself to break one of the cardinal rules of dating. As far as I'm concerned, letting someone know that you will wait for them can be a very big mistake, and yet, I did it. I took the bait hook, line, and sinker. (Is that even how you say that phrase?)

Don't get me wrong, at vital times in the relationship (e.g. contemplating marriage) their are times when a partner should talk the other one off a ledge, so to speak, and address the other partners fears. But then there are other times when assuring a partner of your loyalty will just get you into a big mess. They may start to relax and think, well, they're not going to leave, so I'll just relax for a bit. Problem is, I'm not quite sure which side of the line we stand on... which means I should have just stayed vague.

For future reference, instead of allaying each of his fears by saying we'll find a way to work it out, I should have said something more like, "that's a legitimate fear, and we don't know what the future may bring, but that doesn't mean we should give up on the hear and now." For instance when he told me that him being my first love made him worry that my love for him would run its course, instead of saying, "yeah but i'm not a 16 year old teenager who wants to love for the sake of loving, and thus your fear is illegitimate," I should have said, "Well maybe that'll happen, who knows.." lol.

Oh well I made my bed and I must sleep in it for better or for worse. I still don't regret the conversation though. But now I feel as if I have to put a time limit on things. If nothing more serious develops within a year, we'll have to seriously re-evaluate things... cuz hey, my clock is ticking. Lol. Not really, but I kinda always did want to have kids before I was 30.. and at 23 with a long stretch of lots more school and little time to socialize, I gotta get a move on it while I'm still young and firm. Lol.. yes I often compare myself to produce.. That's not too much to ask for right?

:)

Trying to have your cake and eat it too..

2007-05-09T19:53:00.000-07:00

can make you one sad individual. I don't think that this is a necessarily intuitive point. For example, a guy who has a girlfriend but flirts or sleeps with other women on the side is trying to have his cake and eat it too. He might be having the time of his life, where is the downside? Well.. lets not get into that. Lets assume that if the gf never finds out, then for a long while, for him there is no downside.

Today I'm having one of my very apathetic moods towards school. I'm bored with the material and keep trying to distract myself with miscellaneous ideas. It just dawned on me that the source of this unhappiness with school probably has something to do with my idea that school should not be my life; that I should be able to do what I want, when I want, and still get a degree.

I'm not quite sure why I believe this. Its not like I wasn't warned that med school would be tough, and it would require extreme diligence and work ethic. But somewhere along the way, someone lied to me. I'd like to blame it on my school. This whole, "we're pass/fail, which allows you to pursue your interests" thing is complete crap. Now that we took the bait, we've been told that the curriculum is designed to have us studying all the time.. Ugh.

I think the only way I'm going to feel better about my life for the next 4-5 years is to shut out all those who say that I should have time to do 100 other things, and that med school is fun (yes I've heard people say that), and realize that I can only do so much. My priority is school and everything else I get to do beyond that is a perk... and this is coming from a person who really is just aiming to pass...

:-/

Cravings

2007-05-09T01:18:00.000-07:00

You ever have a sandwich or [insert food] and it was really good. Then you ate it like everyday for a really long time. But of course you got sick of it and took a break. Then at some point you started craving said sandwich or [insert food] again. Yeah its like a relationship. The kind of thing that sustains two people over the long term I guess is being so used to each other that even when they tire of being in each others presence, they just get this craving every now and again..

P.S. this really was about sandwiches.. I'm craving the noon time sandwiches at my journal club class.. even though they're the same damn sandwiches every week and I was sick of them last week! mmmm... can't wait!

Grinning from ear to ear.. for now

2007-05-06T19:00:00.000-07:00

So short story - I broke up w/ the bf last Friday b/c I thought he handled an important situation really poorly. Felt like shit the whole weekend even though I was in Santa Barbara with wonderful friends. Felt like I needed to talk to him today to "fix" the situation and was quite surprised about what came out of it.. turns out, I was right.. but not for the reason's I originally thought.

I originally thought that the bf was trying to let the relationship go b/c he was really insecure about himself and his place in the world and was projecting his fears on me. Turns out while he was projecting his fears onto me, it wasn't out of insecurity as much as out of paternalism.

I'm actually surprised that he was so honest with me. He started out by saying that he had this horrible feeling in the pit of his stomach with the thought of not being able to talk to me ever again (I told him on Friday that we could not be friends, b/c I don't stay friends with exes) According to him, he originally agreed to breaking up b/c he felt that I would break up with him down the line anyway since we wouldn't get to see each other much this summer. And he's seen long distance relationships break down so much that he just figured it would be better to end it now. And maybe the best thing would be to let me be free to find "Mr. Hot Shot." He also mentioned that he is afraid that he is my first love. And that to him first loves are never genuine and it takes a few tries before you figure out what love is and my love for him may be based on factors that don't relate directly to him.

For the first time though I had a very adult conversation in a relationship and we decided not to break up with the caveat that its going to be a rough summer given the demands on his time. As I told him though, most women get mad at men when they choose something over them because to the woman it says that the man doesn't care for her at all. But since my bf has made it clear what he thinks, feels, and envisions, I don't have to worry about him doing something because he doesn't care. And I'm a trooper, I don't need him to decide what's right or wrong for me, whether I genuinely love him, or whether I'll leave him for a "hot shot." I have my own decisions to make in life, as does he, and we can't predict the future. But we've had an awesome time together so far, so why give that up?

Taking a step back

2007-05-02T00:20:00.000-07:00

Its no news that I'm trigger happy, but I think my decisions this time around are less based on fear, and more based on reality and maturity.

Today I decided that next time I talk to the bf that I'll ask him if we could take a step back in the relationship. I don't want to break up per se, but the last 2 weekends have kind of opened my eyes to the fact that I'm not investing my time wisely.

This past weekend the bf came down and we went out with some med school people. It was lots of fun and well I guess I thought I felt closer to him than before. But he came down Friday and I can't remember which day he said it (either friday or saturday) that he was going to leave sometime saturday. At first I was ok with it b/c I had group meetings on Sunday starting at 9 AM and I didn't want to leave him waiting around until I got back. But Saturday roles around, we hang out most of the day and then he abruptly starts packing his stuff and is like "whelp I'm gonna go" and I just start crying. I know that I've been especially sensitive to some relationship issues; damn near most women have "abandonment" issues stemming from childhood. But more than that he does this so frequently. When he comes to visit me he takes off at the blink of an eye, and as far as I'm concerned its unprovoked. But when I go and visit him he doesn't kick me out or hint at me leaving. Quite the contrary he offers to have me stay longer.. which got me in trouble the last time.

At first site of my tears I don't think he quite understood what was going on and he had a nervous laughter. But then when he realized I didn't have something in my eye he asked what was wrong and I eventually just told him that his abrupt leaving bothered me. The reason he gave for leaving was that his dad was out of town and his mom was going to be home alone. Which, at the time, for whatever reason made me even feel guilty for keeping him any longer.

In any case, he tried and failed to make me feel better about anything and I wished him well on his trip back.

The weekend before this last weekend I went up to visit him and was going to leave sometime Sunday but he convinced me to stay until Monday morning. I A.) didn't study as much as I should have for a test I had that week and B.) Ended up being ridiculously late for a class for which I had a group presentation.

So today, as I watched lectures and my eyes glazed over I started to doubt a lot of stuff. Firstly, who the hell cares if his dad is out of town? I'm sure this isn't the first time and I'm sure his mom would have been fine with or without him in the same zip code. Secondly, was that really the reason he took off? He left sometime before 10, it only takes about an hour and a half for him to make it back home, yet he didnt call to check up on me or anything.. makes me wonder if he was just rushing home to go out w/ some friends.. I can neither confirm or deny this since I think its silly to grill a bf about such things.. if they lie to you, you'll eventually figure it out. He also hasn't called for a few days, which the "nice me" would chalk up to being freaked out by emotionality, but the "more realistic me" feels put on notice that the relationship is not at a point where I can openly express feelings beyond happy or angry.

Moreover, because I went and visited him the weekend before (which again he tried to convince me to do and I stupidly said yes) I had to study in 3 days for a test I should have spent 3 weeks studying for. I thought I failed it. Thank goodness I didn't but was all of that worth it? No.

So in conclusion, while I love my bf very much, I need a break for my own sanity sake. I would think after a year I wouldn't have to put a sensor on feelings of sadness or extreme emotions.. but apparently thats the case... and if this is the case then, well, it shouldn't be something I spend to much time with...

I'm afraid to have the conversation because I don't want to break up as much as just step back.. but any type of rejection may trigger someone to blow things out of proportion and ask for a full on break up.. but hey, I need to take care of myself...

:-/

Are You Gellin'

2007-04-17T01:19:00.000-07:00

Ok.. I can't stand those commercials so I'll stop there. In any case, I'm starting to have the same ominous feelings I had before I broke up w/ my boyfriend. For the few minutes I had to think about this (oh who am I kidding, I tried working to forget about it, but obviously that didn't work b/c here I am) something feels strange. I know when you've been gone for a few months you probably have a lot to take care of but at the same time HELLO whad'do I gotta do to get some attention ova hea? And I guess he hasn't given me any less attention than before he left but two things have changed; the first being the easiest to identify. After being gone so long without getting to talk to someone I'd think that he wouldn't fall into his "every other day" calling routine. But then I thought about it.. maybe I complain too much.. who wants to call a complainer? Good point. The other point took a little more digging to figure out.. Relationships move forward, they stagnate, or they take a step back. This is the longest relationship I've ever had, so I guess I'm not quite sure what to do. I feel we should be moving forward in some way and that we're currently staggering. But what would moving forward mean?? I don't know! Marriage is not on the short list, but maybe acting together more as a unit is. But I'm not sure how comfortable I am with that idea. I get the early dating stuff. You can be selfish and independent and that's ok b/c you're just dating and neither of you owe anything to the other person. But after a while the whole separate lives and getting together for dates gets old and actually feels quite uncomfortable. I feel like he should be sharing more with me, and I with him. But how does one bring this up w/o sounding like a whiny "girl." Not sure. Then again, I'm not sure its so bad to be that whiny girl. You teach people how to treat you. And if you let them take your feelings for granted too often, they learn that its par for the course... Also, I think he's physically too close to his family to actually "move forward" in the relationship. I remember reading somewhere that people only fully step into a relationship with both feet when they have gotten adequate distance (emotional and physical) from their family of origin. It makes sense.. if your family isn't constantly around to give you emotional support, you turn to your partner as the primary source of that. But if you see your dad every day or every weekend, a relationship is more secondary..

bah..

You Can't Be Serious

2007-04-16T01:50:00.000-07:00

After having a kanipshin about my Nbio grades and thinking I wouldn't be asked to apply, I received an email saying I was invited to apply. Great, all I need is the opportunity.. I thought. Right before I sent my application to the professor I re-read the email which said that applications were due midnight, April 15th. Originially I just read "applications due April 15th." When did I send in my application? April 15th at 11 in the morning. You can't be serious. Did I really miss the deadline? Lol! I give UP!

Just for you Mark...

2007-04-07T20:55:00.000-07:00

I didn't write this but I saw this somewhere else.. kind of funny/kind of true.. but not entirely true...or something :)

MYTH: Women want love and affection. Women want to be treated well. If you treat a woman well, she'll treat you well.

TRUTH: Young women want whatever other young women want. They're herd creatures. If you lavish a woman with love and affection she'll think you're doing it because nobody else wants you (which may be true) and she'll dump you. In fact, if you do anything that betrays that you're a loser that other women won't touch, she'll dump you. Why? Because she wants to impress her friends with what a great catch she's made, and if she thinks that they wouldn't want you, then she doesn't want you either.

There are only three exceptions to this rule. The first exception is psychos, otherwise known as "witches, bitches, and crazy ladies." They'll stay with you because nobody else wants them, or because you're the only one who put up with their abuse. The second exception is women who like to "fix men up": those women who like to take "broken" men and turn them into the man they want. These women are single because a mature man will recognize that these women don't want him... they want to turn him into someone else. The third exception is that once in a long time you meet a woman who isn't psycho, still wants to stay with you when she finds out that you're not super stud, and doesn't want to change you into someone else. This is the one you marry.

BITTER MYTH: Women are out for money.

TRUTH: Women are out for status, fun and/or security, depending upon their age. A few women are out for cold cash, but not too many. Status-seeking women aren't ready to settle down. They just wanna have fun, and they want their girlfriends to know it. They're looking for a guy they can dangle in front of their friends and say, "Look what I got!" You don't have to have money to be that guy, you just have to come across as desirable. Of course if you have money you don't need to do anything else, but having no money isn't the end of the world. The women who are out for security have had their wild fling and want to settle down. They want a guy who can provide a stable base for the future (and that includes finances).

All in all it's sort of like what guys do (and women whine about endlessly): when you're young you want some bright, bubbly thing with huge tits, a nice ass, and a trimmed bush who screams like a banshee in bed, although you'll settle for much less; when you're ready to get married you want a nice girl who isn't going to break your balls. They're usually different people unless you're very, very lucky. Young women want bad boys who will show them a good time. When they're ready to get married they want some guy who is going to be able to pay to keep them comfortable.

MYTH: Women are out for looks.

TRUTH: See above. Women are out for looks, after a fashion. A guy in good physical shape who wears decent-looking clothes is attractive because he looks after himself and probably isn't a wimp or a whiner. She can convince her friends that he's a "catch." A guy who looks and smells like a laundry bin, or who can't climb a few flights of stairs without a rest had better have some spectacular attribute to show off to her friends (like being a genius) or he's not worth her time. Any guy can compensate for lack of looks or lack of money with showmanship. He doesn't have to be a catch, just seem like one. All he has to do is make her friends think, "Damn, I wish I were going out with him instead of the loser I'm with."

MYTH: I should find one woman I like who likes me, and stick with her through thick and thin.

TRUTH: This is the biggest mistake I ever made. I used to be loyal to whomever I was with, even when someone better came along. All that happened was that I missed out on some great opportunities while I hung on with losers that ended up dumping me anyway. Do this if the two of you are getting married; once you've tied the knot it's a whole other can of worms. However, if you're just dating, do exactly the opposite. In very subtle ways you have to let her know that although you like her, there are lots of other women out there and you still notice them. Glance at tits and legs. Smile at and chat with pretty ladies, even while she's with you (you're just being friendly, of course). This is the most important thing I've learned about dating in a decade. I even thought of dating WASP bitches again, so long as I could keep this in mind. Never, never let her know that she's the only game in town. As soon as she believes that she's your "everything," she'll start whining and bitching and making demands.

Think of it like buying a car. If you let the salesman know that this is your dream car, that you've stayed awake nights thinking about buying exactly this car, do you think the price will go down? Of course not! He'll jack the price up as high as he thinks he can go and still have you buy it. If you tell your girl that you've dreamed all of your life of going out with someone like her, do you think she'll smile and kiss you and things will go on as before? Of course not! She'll realize that you'll put up with more of her bad habits, and that she can put up with fewer of yours, and the bitching will start. She'll try to make the relationship as comfortable for her as possible and still keep it going. Remember the car salesman? Remember the attitude that "this is a nice car, but there are hundreds of other great ones, including that one across the street", even as your heart is thumping and you're practically drooling? If you're just dating, this is the attitude to take.

MYTH: Having a girlfriend / fiancée / wife means being able to tell someone my problems.

TRUTH: Nobody gives a **** about your problems. Nobody ever will. I know that sounds harsh, but it's the reality of being a man. Want to tell people about your problems? Get a sex change. Or join a men's group; the flip side is that you have to listen to their problems, but it helps. I know of only two kinds of women who want to hear about your problems: ones with far more problems than you have, and ones who fancy themselves amateur psychiatrists and like "fixing" men. Neither is good company. Let's face it: many women spend all day whining to their friends about how awful their lives are and listening to their neurotic friends responding in kind. The last thing they want to do is go out with you and hear more of the same.

To make matters worse, women simply don't "get" many of men's problems. Women have problems with things that don't even bother us, but they expect us to be understanding or at least tolerant; we have problems with things that don't even bother them, and no amount of explaining will cause the light to go on or elicit any sympathy.

So why not just commit hara-kiri now? Because it's not that bad. You get over it. In particular, once you figure out how to handle women a lot of your problems seem smaller and more manageable.

MYTH: Having a girlfriend / fiancée / wife means someone will finally understand me.

TRUTH: Understanding—true understanding—takes decades. If you spend most of your time with the love of your life trying to explain yourself, she will have nothing but contempt for you, for two reasons. First, because she doesn't want to hear your whining (see above). Second, and more important, women want to maintain the self-delusion that they already understand men. Women everywhere claim that they understand men and that "men are simple creatures." The truth is that women haven't a clue where most men are coming from and furthermore they care only insofar as they want to control us. Nonetheless, they want to maintain the fiction that they have us figured out.

It's a pride and status thing. A woman who doesn't "understand" her man can't control him, and a woman who can't control her man is a loser. The more you try to explain yourself, the more complex and multi-dimensional you become (a.k.a. "difficult"), and the less she can claim to understand you.

Besides, most of the time you're explaining yourself to her you're really trying to figure yourself out. Go do it in a corner, hire a professional listener, or join a men's group. She doesn't want to hear it. If you master the art of keeping your problems to yourself she will complain bitterly about this. She will bitch and whine that you're not open enough and that she has to drag things out of you. She will also secretly love this. It gives her one more thing to complain about to her friends.

MYTH: If only I could meet the right woman, my life would have meaning.

TRUTH: If your life doesn't have meaning right now, when you're single, then a relationship isn't going to help. You'll pile too much baggage on top of the delicate emotional bonds too early, and the whole thing will collapse like a house of cards. Want to see this in action? Watch women: they do this all the time. In particular, women who whine about men who can't make a commitment are probably doing exactly this: looking to a man to make their life mean something. It doesn't work.

The only way to have a happy life is to develop one for yourself, then leave an opening for someone else to come and share it with you. Neither of these two things is easy. In particular, it's too easy once you've developed a life for yourself to end up with someone who was doing exactly what you were doing before—waiting for Prince Charming (or in your case Lady Love)—to come and rescue her life. People like this end up draining away all of that energy you've worked so hard to build up, leaving you exhausted and frustrated.

Take it from me: I waited for Lady Love for decades. Finally I gave up, got angry, got off my ass and tried to make a life for myself, and suddenly I was surrounded by women who wanted to date me. After a while I met someone who was very special to me and I married her. Now my life is about the same as before, but I have someone with whom to share it. As much as I prefer being with someone, I must tell you that having her with me doesn't make my life any more or less meaningful. I'm pretty much where I was before, only now I have company, which is nice.

[P.S.: After two years she turned into one of those people who was waiting for her life to mean something, and she drained away all of my good energy. Oh well. Some things just don't turn out as planned, no matter how hard you try. Rats.]

MYTH: If I treat a woman well and listen to what she says, she'll stop complaining

TRUTH: Women never stop complaining. For them, it's a sport. Some complain more than others, but none of them will ever stop, any more than one day men will stop discussing football. Men have built civilizations, created law, invented husbandry (that's keeping domestic animals by the way, not marriage; women invented marriage), built skyscrapers, invented cars, washing machines, antibiotics, toilets, computers, and microwave ovens, and generally dragged us out of caves and into condos. Don't kid yourself: men did it all. If it were up to women we'd still be living in caves and dying at 20. I know that men did it all because I know why they did it: they hoped that it would stop women complaining. It didn't.

If you listen to your girlfriend's bitching and try to make everything better, you'll suffer the same fate as all the men who came before: you'll run yourself ragged, and at the end of it all she'll still be bitching. If you ignore all but the most important complaints, she'll bitch about that, too, but you'll feel far better about your life.

MYTH: Men don't listen to women because men don't care about women.

TRUTH: Men ignore women because women normally have nothing worthwhile to say. This is not a condemnation of women, but rather a difference in what talking is for. This is one of the few areas where John Gray has something useful to say. Men mull things over, organize things in their heads, then speak. Men have to do this because they have to get things done, and if they blabbered all day long about nothing in particular then eventually other men would pay them no attention. Men talk to communicate ideas, negotiate compromises, and secure cooperation. Life and experience has taught men to be brief and pithy.

Women talk to organize their thoughts. It's the difference between doing the math problem in your head and writing the answer at the top of the page, and scribbling all over the page in order to arrive at the answer in the bottom corner. Women want men to listen to them. Women want men to follow along as they scribble all over the page, not just wait for the answer. Quite frankly, who cares? As I mentioned above, there are lots of things that women don't want to hear from men. If you want to talk about these things, you'll have to find some other men who want to listen, because she sure as hell won't. If she wants to attach her mouth to her brain and vocalize all of her mental processes then she should find someone who cares to listen, in other words another woman.

MYTH: She said she loves me. She must think I'm really special.

TRUTH: When women say, "I love you" it can mean almost anything. "I want to spend the rest of my life with you," "I'm desperate to get married and have babies and you're the best thing I've come across so far," "You're better than the last jerk I went out with," "You're the best guy I've come across this week," "All my girlfriends are in love and I want to be too," "I have a million problems and I want you to feel obliged to listen to them," "I want another date and I want you to feel like you have to ask me out again," "It's time I put my foot down and started controlling you," and any number of other things. OK, most women think they mean it when they say, "I love you." However, remember the old saying, "It's a woman's prerogative to change her mind"? She loves you this minute. Maybe today. Maybe this week. Maybe even this month. However, this says nothing about how she will feel next month, next week, or tomorrow.

One of the biggest problems men like me have is that when we say, "I love you" to a woman we want to really mean it. Like "I love you forever." Men don't understand that a woman can say, "I love you forever" and change her mind next week. All she does is convinces herself that in hindsight, and despite everything you've ever said or done, you never really loved her, so all the times she said, "I love you" didn't really count. You have to learn to use the same language. Go ahead and say, "I love you," but inside your head say, "I love you right now. Tomorrow may be a different story." When you break up and she screams that you said you loved her, tell her that you did, but she did this and that and now you don't love her any more. When women say, "I love you" they aren't promising eternal devotion, so why should you be? One day you'll meet a woman who says, "I love you" and it'll really hit home. You'll test her love a bit and it will hold up. That's the one you marry.

MYTH: Women understand relationships; men don't.

TRUTH: This myth is perpetuated by women, coochie-whipped men, and psychiatrists. If women truly understood relationships... that is, if they understood relationships with men... then we wouldn't have a 45% divorce rate. Maybe back in the pioneer days women understood relationships. These days, they have coffee with their girlfriends, talk about "men", examine and dissect relationships, study interpersonal dynamics, talk, talk, talk about what works and what doesn't, then go out and perfectly screw up their next relationship. I know. I've watched it happen from the sidelines.

Women spend more time analyzing relationships; they talk about them incessantly, and in doing so discover more truths than men know. However, all of this talk in a vacuum also means that their heads are filled with more bullshit and myth than are men's. The combination of superior insight and copious nonsense puts them right back where we are. Men tend to see what's going on in a relationship more clearly, but have no idea how to express what they see or what to do about it. Women would probably know what to do about it if they could only see it as it truly is, instead of through a fog of preconception.

The other big difference between the sexes is that women are absolutely certain that they know what is going on, whereas men make no such claim. The last man who claimed to have his own radical theories about relationships was Freud, and nobody pays any attention to him any more. It is women's ideas about relationships and why they do or don't work that have been imported lock, stock, and barrel into the field of psychiatry. Most male therapists you'll meet are basically honorary women with university degrees, and as such they don't really understand relationships either.

MYTH: Women are fairer and more even-handed than men

TRUTH: Nothing could be further from the truth. Traditionally men have favoured the same rules for everyone: "He who lives by the sword dies by the sword." Women on the other hand make up the rules as they go along. Although women's approach is patently unfair, it was valuable when they had to be the ones to point out that the rules needed to be changed, or that the rules should be bent in some cases. Back then they did this for the good of everyone. These days men still feel bound by rules, but women are in a conflict of interest. They still keep watch over the rules and break them as they always have, but now they modify and break the rules in their own favour.

Men's justice is often harsh, but it's fair. Women's justice is arbitrary and these days often self-serving. (Liberal "situational ethics" are essentially the same as women's ethics.) You'll find this out quickly in a relationship. The joke going around about "The Rules" and how women change them all the time isn't such a joke. It's a documentary. If you doubt this, think of it this way. A man caught breaking or bending the rules of good behaviour will become either defensive or repentant; his wife will beat him over the head with his transgression for months, if not years. A woman caught modifying the rules of good behaviour to suit herself will giggle and freely admit it. She thinks it's a game.

MYTH: Women do a lot for the relationship; men do a lot for themselves

TRUTH: My ex-girlfriend invented a little ditty that made her puff up with smug, self-satisfied pride. It went like this, "Women think of 'we'; men think of 'me'." OK, so e.e. cummings she wasn't. The point is that she actually believed this, and a lot of other women do, too. She thought that she was living and breathing our "relationship," while I was just kind of hanging around and taking up space. Meanwhile, I drove her everywhere (she couldn't drive), I spent hours making her gifts and writing her notes, and I spent hours thinking about what was going on with us and where we were going.

The truth of the matter is that women don't think of 'we' any more or less often than men do. Women think of their own needs most of the time, too. The difference is that women redefine their own needs as being those of "the relationship". For example, when a man needs to talk to his belle about something, he says, "I need to talk to you." When a woman needs to talk to her beau about something, she says, "We need to talk." Notice the difference? Suddenly what she needs becomes what we need. Women do this all the time, and then pout and whine that they work so hard at the relationship and you don't. In fact they're just playing with words.

The other truth is that there are two relationships: the one you're really in—the one that exists between you and her—and the one in her head. Remember how women are always talking and theorizing about "relationships"? Well, much of what she defines as "our relationship" is really just a collection of theories and prejudices from past conversations with her girlfriends, and has nothing to do with what's going on between the two of you. In that sense, even if she is doing more for "the relationship," it isn't necessarily anything that concerns her real relationship with you.

MYTH: Women are more involved in the relationship; men are more aloof.

TRUTH: Finally one that's true. The false part is the assumption that being deeply involved in the relationship is always a good thing, and that aloofness is fatal to relationships. If you doubt this, look around you and find a couple in which both people do little else but sit around with each other and talk, and watch how fast the relationship blows itself apart. Every relationship has to have a balance between looking inward and looking outward. Most women who complain that their men don't pay enough attention to "the relationship" aren't seeing the relationship clearly and/or are buried in "the relationship" up to their necks and so are creating more problems than they solve. Recently I was skimming a book by Dr. Laura and saw a chapter that gets this one right. Where is it written that when a man wants to go back to college and a woman wants to get married, and she gets angry that he's "not thinking of the relationship" that she's automatically right? Maybe the right thing to do at that moment is for both of them to go back to college for a couple of years. Women confuse obsessing about "the relationship" with healthy involvement, particularly considering that half the time they're seeing stuff that isn't even there. Sometimes your relationship needs more attention than you're giving it; other times she's smothering it. The assumption that more involvement equals more love simply isn't true.

MYTH: When she says no, she means no (so why am I so confused)?

TRUTH: Nobody means no every time they say "no." Think about it: do you? You've never said no when you were too shy to say yes? You've never said no because you were nervous, didn't know what you were getting into, and didn't really have time to think about your answer? You've never said no because you thought that was the right thing to do even though you really wanted to say yes? You've never said no and then changed your mind? You've never said no as a joke, just to get a rise out of someone, when you really meant yes?

I've done all of these things at one time or another; most men I know have, and most women I know have as well. However, for men there's a catch. If she's prone to saying no when she really means yes, then you should dump her. Immediately. Especially if she's told you in no uncertain terms "no" and then starts dropping huge hints that you're supposed to ignore this and go for it anyway. Dump the bitch. This is just far too dangerous. If you doubt this, imagine sitting in court, accused of rape. "Did she tell you no, Mr. Smith?" "Yeah, but afterward she tried to rip my pants off, then stripped naked and sat on my face!" "But did she say no, Mr. Smith?" "Umm... yes she did." "Case closed."

I once went out with a woman who told me, on our second date, that there was no way she would sleep with me, that her ex-boyfriend was coming to visit and that it would be "too complicated" if she were sleeping with me when he came to stay. On our third date she did everything to let me know that she wanted me, including lying on my bed, making comments about removing her clothes for a nude massage. Spooked, I drove her home, dropped her off, and never went out with her again. I consider it one of the smartest things I've done in my dating life. (Incidentally, apparently so does she. Every time I meet her she asks why I don't call her any more.)

MYTH: Women are social geniuses; all women get along well with each other, while men just fight

TRUTH: I lived in a mixed-sex dorm for two years in university where each floor was segregated by sex. It alternated: one floor men, one floor women, one floor men, etc. A few nearby residences were completely mixed. A couple of the men's floors looked much the worse for wear at the end of the year. You know, men are so destructive. The women's floors all looked perfect. All the girls were smiling and friendly. Talk to any of them, however, and they'd tell you that they hated living on an all-female floor, and every last damned one of them was moving to the mixed dorms the very next year, and not with each other. According to them, underneath the tidy rooms and smiles were claws and forked tongues. Every day was a quiet, mannerly, pitched social battle. The men, on the other hand, got along just fine with only a few exceptions. Most of us were quite happy where we were, the only complaint being that we didn't see the ladies enough.

One thing that is true along the lines of this myth is that any woman will defend another woman against a man, even a woman that she doesn't know. Start bad-mouthing women, even a particular woman that isn't known to "present company," and you'll find women defending her even though they have no idea what's going on. If anyone—a woman or another man—verbally attacks a man, other men will not jump in and defend him. Why? Men assume that other men can look after themselves and, after all, they're competition. Women assume that an attack on one woman is an attack on all women.

BITTER MYTH: Women are all the same.

TRUTH: Women are not all the same, and in particular women change with age. A woman who wouldn't give you a second look at 15 may be asking you out at 35. In part this is the dreaded "biological clock" at work, but in part it's also changing priorities. At 15 she wants to impress all of her friends with her "catch" and she is starting to learn to control men. She wants variety and excitement. At 25 she wants to have fun with no strings attached and wants to hone her controlling skills. She wants more stability but she doesn't want Ward Cleaver or Bill Gates. At 35 she realizes that the fun days are over and it's time to settle down and get serious.

Boring, nerdy guys who were dog meat at 15 can be studs at 35. The guys grow up and mature, they learn to need women less, and they settle into a life of resigned solitude, which means that they cheer up because they're no longer striving for something they can't have. The field narrows, and there are fewer single guys with no divorce history. Finally, her priorities have changed. She's no longer impressed by "bad boys" on motorcycles with a few convictions for petty crime. She knows that her friends aren't impressed by flashy, fast-living rogues any longer, any more than they're still impressed by fashions from Suzy Creamcheese. She's more interested in building a nest than impressing her friends anyway (and she knows that building a nest is what will impress them). So, just because you can't get anywhere now doesn't mean that your whole life will be a write-off. Take a clue from me: I never had a single date in high school. I had one girlfriend for a year in University. Ten years later I was beating women off with a stick.

Finally get it

2007-04-06T20:27:00.000-07:00

It finally dawned on me today out of the blue why my old roommate would be so rude. She can't stand HIM thus her comments were more directed towards him than to me... but she's not friends with him.. b/c she can't stand him, so she comments on my photos.

OK, random and no one needed to know that but me.. but whatevs

Step 1: Be friendly but not too friendly

2007-04-06T16:32:00.000-07:00

Yesterday my roommate made a comment about how she could never get a particular guy to be interested in her. I told her quite the contrary. Most people can have anyone they want, anyone. But most don't know how to go about it so they just say "oh its not meant to be." Granted, you don't want to ultimately spend time with someone who you don't jive with, but there is fun in knowing that you have the power to attract people you actually do like, and at least practice on the people you don't like so much. But when I look back at all the times I've had the most random type of guys express interest I realized that there was a certain pattern to our interactions. The whole point, I guess, is to sneak up on a person by surprise. One day they'll be thinking of you a lot more than usual, they'll want to please you for some strange reason, and they won't know what hit them. That's it. It sounds very self-helpy but unlike those douche bags I'm not charging money for the advice.. well not yet anyway ;)

The other thing about the attraction pattern is that right off the bat, if you asked the guy about me, he might reveal that I wasn't even his type. I'm no model, and don't have universal appeal, but yet, I don't think its impossible, or rocket science, to get a person who isn't initially taken by you to finally succumb. I should also add that the time table it takes is completely variable. Sometimes it takes weeks, maybe months, and even years.. yes years.. but again, not impossible.

Also, the steps in my previous post mostly have to do with the initial attraction/getting to know you stage. After that though, if you're a good person and its a good match, the rest shouldn't be too difficult, unless you're dealing w/ someone who is exceptionally difficult. Baring that, after the attraction part, it mostly takes not making predictable relationship mistakes and you should be set. As for commitment and marriage.. well I haven't been worrying about that part too much so when the day comes, maybe I'll have something to say about that too.

Step 1

The point of step one is to be as innocuous as possible in the beginning. The point is to surprise the person later on. You don't want to come off as a freak and you don't want to show much interest. Its best to be just nice in the beginning because you don't know what their first thoughts about you are. If they're not really interested and you show a lot of interest they'll be turned off. But if you're just friendly in general to the person in the beginning, the person has no basis to really judge you except for appearances, which is a characteristic that can be changed in some ways. So that's not such a bad thing.

As a matter of fact, the person may not even notice you at first. Especially if you are in a social situation where everyone is yip yapping and trying to get to know each other, if you just kick it on the sidelines for a while, thats not a bad thing. As a matter of fact its a good thing. Because eventually people who chit chat about garbage eventually tire of each other. And then they realize that they don't know you that well.. and all of a sudden you become more interesting.

Again, the point of the first step is to be a benign stimulus in the background of their life. Even if you're drop dead gorgeous be nice, but not too nice.

The Art of Making Any Guy Want You

2007-04-05T21:43:00.000-07:00

For the longest, I was trying to figure out how to condense what I've learned about attraction and desire over the past few years and when talking to my roommate this evening, I realized how succinctly the process could be summed up... I'll expand after I actually spend time studying and don't feel bad -

Step 1 : Be friendly, but not too friendly
Step 2 : Have very brief conversations about almost anything (Brief = less than 5 minutes)
Step 3 : Flirt Tastefully
Step 4 : Alternate being nice with being apathetic
Step 5 : Hold longer conversations about things he's interested in
Step 6 : Alternate hot and cold some more
Step 7 : Shouldn't need a step 7 at this point he should be all up in your grill...

That is all for now. Although I should add that anyone step should be done for at least a month or two before moving to the next one.

I finally get it

2007-04-03T20:05:00.000-07:00

When my bf got his panties all in a bunch after I got into medical school I couldn't really understand his reaction. I noticed that he just kept distancing himself after I got in and it didn't make sense to me, even if I could reason through why he might have been taken aback. I could understand the whole "oh you'll be in a land of eligible bachelors and I may not measure up" thing. But I always felt like things like that shouldn't have mattered to him since I thought he was so awesome and usually hated the types of guys that went to my school.

But alas, I found out recently that I may have understood some of his thoughts on a certain level but it is only now that I can truly relate. After getting back from his basic training "finals" he called over the weekend and told me about his future plans. He got in to the school of his dreams, which I already knew and was more than happy for him about, and also got into law school. I thought this was awesome too... Until he said, "Yeah and if I get straight A's I can retake the LSAT again and maybe get into the law school."

I wanted to be happy for him, but I found myself expressing a weak, "Yeah!" instead of a confident, wholehearted one. After I got off the phone with him I found myself feeling bummed! Lol. I know its silly but all that ran through my head is "Oh no! I might get knocked off my pedastal! Now that he knows he can achieve these things, he might not feel the same way about me."

This is completely ridiculous given that I was a huge cheerleader for him in this whole process. I tried my best to help him as much as I can, even meeting with people in the engineering department and asking about the admissions process. But now that he may go above and beyond that, which is GREAT, I just feel that I hold no real "power" in the relationship anymore. Which means he could start to feel differently and meet someone else :-/

I talked to a friend about it and she asked, "Why do you need to hold on to any power in the relationship?" Um, I don't know, I replied. But I guess it makes me feel safe. She finally warned me that I should watch myself carefully and try not to "project" things onto him in an effort to sabotage the relationship due to my issues with power in a relationship.

Fair enough. I guess I know how it feels now. When roles change in and out of a relationship it can feel kind of strange. I guess this will be a lesson in "maturity." Can I really love and feel comfortable without feeling like I need to hold something over my partner?

This all remains to be seen... he gets back in a week!!!!

I don't care- Follow Up

2007-03-27T18:50:00.000-07:00

So I asked one of my older male friends why someone you don't know well would give a rats ass who you date, and he gave me the following response:

Perhaps C's a hot, fun-loving partyer looking for either Abercrombie models, WB hunks, or guys who spend way too much time at the gym. She doesn't understand why someone would want a dignified, sincere-looking, non-playerlike gentleman.
--------------------------------------------------------

I can believe that. Though I don't quite understand the model hunt after a person reaches the age of 25, unless of course they're not really looking to get married until they're in their 30s.. which makes it fine in my book.

Standing at a corner, waiting for no one

2007-03-27T00:41:00.000-07:00

There is this quote that goes something like - There is nothing more powerful than to stand at a corner and wait for no one. I still, till this day, do not understand what it means, but I think the person who was quoting it was trying to express the point that being content with who you are is a powerful thing.. I think..

In any case, after coming out of a ROUGH quarter - crazy academic load, teacher died, troubles with close family members - I have come to the point in my life where I can say I am truly jealous of no one... NO ONE.

This quarter I found out that I am one of very few minorities at my med school that doesn't drive a luxury car - BMW, Mercedes, you name it, apparently they all have them. I on the other hand drive a Mazda Protege that has more dents in it than it should (I should really work on my parking). Jealous much? Nope.

This quarter I found out that no matter how hard I study, there are at least 15-20 people in my class that will do better on an exam than I will. Jealous much? Nope

This quarter I found out that even though people say that everyone has issues to deal with in life, a lot of people don't get the brunt of the burden. I will always have to deal with things that other people can't even fathom. Jealous much? Nope.

This quarter I had friends who quit their jobs or decided to tone down their schedules and relaxed on beaches and/or travelled the world... while I worked like a slave. Jealous much? Nope.

And to what prompted this post - one of my old roommates still can't believe that I'm dating my current boyfriend (she was roommates with him at the time as well) and she goes on and on about how great her boyfriend is and how I could always find someone hotter, more cultured, blah blah. Jealous much? Nope.

To the last point, its quite funny actually, this old roommate of mine. She was a random person from craigslist who I became roommates with and went out with on occasion. And when she found out I was dating our third roommate, she just couldn't believe it. Everytime we would get drunk she'd ask me why I was dating him and site how "beautiful and sophisticated" I was and how I could get anybody, so why him? Her questions were strange and I didn't take much offense to them for three reasons - 1.) My bf thought she was an idiot so he never took much time to talk to her or explain anything to her; 2.) she thought HE was an idiot, who must be a trailer trash republican, who couldn't work out simple problems; 3.) She had just gotten dumped by the "love of her life" and so I just figured she was hurting and taking it out on people..

I found her view of my bf to be absolutely hilarious - for the record his dad is the CEO of a civil engineering firm, he grew up in a house that his dad built, not a trailer, and he was in talented and gifted programs since he was in elementary school. I never explained those things to her, I just kept letting her be puzzled about the whole thing.

Since she's moved to So Cal and seems to be enjoying her life and is "in a relationship" I thought it would be the last I'd here of her bf bashing.. Oh but quite the contrary. Today I got a message from myspace that said that my old roommate had commented twice on some pictures. I looked at them and underneath a picture of my boyfriend and I she posts "WHAAAAAATTT!!!!" twice.

And so now I'm not sure what to take of her recent comments.. which are very public and could be taken as offensive by my bf or any of his friends. I mean, she's not a good friend so I don't take them seriously, and will have to take them down before my bf gets back. Buuuuttt... I can't seem to understand why she cares so God Damn much!!!!!!! We're not friends, why do you caaaaare?

I mean I've been told before that my bf is hot, or cute, or plain, or not "sophisticated." Lol. I always find the last one to be funny. As a matter of fact I now remember another girlfriend who (drunkenly) freely said, "Yeah, when I first met him he seemed like a nice guy. I mean I guess I thought he must be packin since he didn't seem like your type." "What's my type?" I asked. "Oh well I just thought you'd be more into the city slicker type who was smooth and well-dressed." "Oh," I said and moved on. I used to explain to friends at least what i saw in him. But now I'd through doing that. I see no need to justify my choice in a guy. Though as one friend put it, it took me so long to pick someone that they thought I was holding out for someone larger than life. Lol. No.

I'm happy with where my life is and who I share it with.. so what really interests me in this whole thing is why someone (my ex roommate) would care so damn much.

There is the simple explanation - Jealousy. But I'm not sure it would be that. Its one thing if she was jealous that I had a bf and she didn't, but thats certainly not the case now. Also, if she doesn't think he's the greatest thing since sliced bread, well then, what is there to be jealous about? Another explanation - anger at perceived mismatch of leauges? I'm not really sure about this one either. I mean if I see a super model and I see a guy who I think is ugly and they're dating I may wonder "why him?" to myself but to constantly spew out comments about the topic? Nope.. especially if they have nothing to do with my life. It's one thing if I had an annoying roommate who "ehem" had her bf over all the time and I couldn't stand it and in my bitching I also brought up the fact that he was really unattractive and I couldn't see why they were dating.. but save for that.. nope.. couldn't see myself giving a damn. A third explanation - she told me a couple of times that my bf reminded me of an ex-bf. Although, I feel there was a lot of projection going on there. Apparently her ex-bf was crazy and tore up their apartment - which she had to pay for - and threatened to hurt her cat - crazy - all things my bf wouldn't do so I'm not sure where that comes from...

But they say that when we have a strong emotional reaction to something it has to do with something that bothers us that happened when we were younger... I don't know enough about the girl so who knows.

Then again, maybe all my friends talk shit, but since they're friends they don't say it to my face. Maybe thats it. That makes more sense than anything else I could come up with.

And maybe it'll be one of those situations where I wake up one day and think "OMG what was I thinking?" My mom said she did that with my dad once she left him. Ha.

Either way, this is the face of someone so content with their lives that they just don't care -------> <(^-^)>

Even when I try to like them... I still can't stand them

2007-03-07T01:07:00.000-08:00

There's this girl in my class who has the MOST annoying voice ever... actually there are a few, but hers is pretty damn annoying. On top of the pitch just being a really strange sound, she also makes statements in a way that makes them sound like questions.

Today she did two particularly annoying things - After hearing the requirements of doing a TAship in anatomy she whined to one of the current anatomy TAs about how she was SOOO torn between TAing for anatomy or practice of medicine OR neurobiology... she just loooves neurobiology. SHUT UP BITCH! Why are you whining? What a dilemma!

Secondly as I was reading the readings for today.. which I really should have done before class, I realized something else. We were sitting in section and she asked the TA a question. The TA stated her answer and the girl just said "ok" and stared at the TA as if she was an idiot. Something told me that she didn't really believe the TA response, but whatever. As I read tonight though, I discovered that the girls question should have been answered differently. The annoying part is that she KNEW the TA was wrong and decided to give her a dumb look and smirk instead of saying "I thought I remembered reading such and such." Maybe she tried to spare the TA's feelings.. who knows. But DAMN, hearing her voice in general is equivalent to having to hear nails scratch down a blackboard. Yeah.. its that bad.. ugh!

Am I becoming Republican? GASP!

2007-03-05T01:38:00.000-08:00

LOL. I knew I should have never started dating a republican... In any case, I'll just chalk it up to that quote by that guy who said to be liberal in your youth makes sense, but if you're not conservative by the time you get older you're just an idiot.. lol.. Yeah I rock.

Anyway, the more and more I think about it, the more that it scares me that many people in the U.S. want a more socialized state. And to be completely honest, I can see what the article below is talking about when I look at the African American community in the U.S. Democrats want to keep giving them welfare b/c they feel its "fare" because of all the history. Republicans would say, "time's up! get your shit together! we've helped you enough!" Well I'm not that extreme. I do feel that there should be some socialist organizations in this country to help people get on their feet. But I think we can take it too far if we let our sympathy rather than our cold-hearted logic get out of hand.

Anyway here is the article:

http://www.washingtontimes.com/op-ed/20070213-095004-8271r.htm

Reshaping America

By Paul BelienPublished February 14, 2007

Those who think that Europe is America's past, think again.Europe matters to America. It matters more than ever before. Nancy Pelosi, Hillary Clinton, Ted Kennedy and the liberal special-interest groups that currently dominate Congress want to reshape America in Europe's image: socialist, secularist and multicultural.

Americans who want to know what their country will be like 20 years from now if it follows the path its politicians want it to take, need only look at Europe. There, one can see what the undermining of Judeo-Christian values, higher taxes, onerous regulations and big, intrusive government will lead to: the collapse of a civilization.

First there was the rise of the welfare state, which led to the steady emergence of highly taxed, slow-moving and maladaptive economies that must support growing and eventually unsupportable demands by the citizens.

Second, there was secularism. People who have the state taking care of them from the cradle to the grave no longer need God. The welfare state also intentionally undermined religion to crush the spirit of freedom among its subjects. And it undermined demographics, because people who do not believe in God do not believe in the future and see children as a burden.

Third, a wholly new danger emerged, namely that of welfare immigration -- the immigration of people, increasingly from cultures which have not been shaped by the basic forces of European civilization, who come purely for the purpose of claiming benefits.

Take Holland, for example, Europe's equivalent of San Francisco. This is Pelosi Land. The Dutch are pampered by an extensive welfare system. They were the first in Europe to legalize abortion, euthanasia and homosexual "marriage." Today, Islam is filling the void that was left when the Dutch created a religious vacuum in the heart of their culture. There are already 1 million Muslims in the Netherlands out of a total population of 16 million. Their number is rising fast because the Muslims are fecund while the secularist Dutch have hardly any offspring.

The native Dutch are moving out. Since 2004, more indigenous Dutchmen have emigrated each year than immigrants have moved in. People who have lost faith in God do not fight. They run. Since they do not believe in life after death, this life is the only thing they have to lose. One emigrant Dutchman, a homosexual author who lives in Brussels, writes: "I am not a warrior. I do not fight for freedom. I am only good at enjoying it." This mentality has affected the whole of Western Europe. A young German woman recently said that it is "better to let yourself be raped than risk injuries while resisting, better to avoid fighting than risk death." Europe has chosen the path of submission. Islamization is not the cause but the consequence of the collapse of Europe. The very word Islam means "submission." Many Europeans have submitted already. In that sense, they have already become Muslims. At the root of the collapse of Western Europe's civilization is the self-inflicted disease of welfarism. It saps people of the strength to take care of themselves, to stand up for their rights, to fight for their freedoms. And yet, while the European example is there for all to see, Mrs. Pelosi's Congress wants to introduce the same in America.

Today, the Europeans are creating a supranational welfare system, the European Union (EU). After having sacrificed their liberties for cradle-to-grave security, they are now sacrificing their centuries-old nation-states. Some Americans think that the EU is a kind of United States of Europe. They are wrong. While the U.S. Constitution protects the liberties of the people, the EU constitution abolishes them. While the U.S. Constitution recognizes that there is an authority higher than the state -- God -- the EU constitution deliberately refrains from mentioning God.

On Jan. 16, Europe's Nancy Pelosi -- the newly elected speaker of the European Parliament, a German Christian-Democrat called Hans-Gert Poettering -- announced that he will not press for a reference to God in the EU constitution because he wants to be a "fair and objective" speaker.

Europe's contemporary culture is one of "repudiation," a culture based on negatives for every aspect of the traditional European heritage (Christianity, monogamous marriage, national loyalty, monocultural identity and so on). This is the culture that Mrs. Pelosi wants to introduce in America. But look at what Europe has become. Its refusal to uphold the old forms of moral and civil order make it impossible to curb the welfare state, to control immigration, to maintain order in the cities. If America follows Mrs. Pelosi's lead, this is what it will get. Welcome to the future, look at Europe. Paul Belien is editor of the Brussels Journal and an adjunct fellow of the Hudson Institute.

OK, I'm over it

2007-03-03T00:02:00.000-08:00

So in chatting with a friend today, and even in just blogging about the issue, I have gained more clarity on why I have such a strong gut reaction to someone I don't know. And I realized its more than just "not feeling special." I mean there are only 4 black people in my entire med school class, how much more "special" do I want to feel? So it more has to do with my sense of fairness. Is it fair that I have to deal with X and this person only deals with Y and we get to the same place?

Well this is going to sound creepy, but I'm going to go ahead and say it. In an effort to confront my feelings and try to fix them, or at least find out their source, I used face book. She didn't have much about herself listed but I looked at her friend comments. And friend after friend wrote, "Congrats. I know you wanted to go there really badly!"

It reminded me of a conversation I had with her a while back where she asked me if I knew S; S as in my former biatch roommate. When I told her what S was up to she practically did a dance. She told me how S thought she was SO much better than her because S skipped a grade and went to Stanford and now S is workin' retail.

So here is a girl who didn't get into her top school for undergrad and had a burning passion to return for grad school and prove to the S biatch and everyone else that she is worthy to grace the halls of her top choice school. Apparently she did a bunch of lab research on lord knows what, but damn. I gotta respect someone who works that hard to get somewhere.. meanwhile I spent my college days partying way too much, writing papers about stuff I don't even remember now, and applied to my alma mater on a whim and here I am... so I guess.. different paths for different people.

I am settled now and am at peace with myself... for now I think this summer I'm going to take some meditation class.. I think it can do wonders for someone like me who is constantly all over the place!

Sigh

Self growth is H-A-R-D

2007-03-02T19:15:00.000-08:00

I'm always an advocate for self-growth. There are many times in ones life when it is best to take stock of who one is, what faults one has, and how to improve on those faults. Though I have many faults, I have found that I usually like concentrating on the easy ones to fix. For example, not being nice to people. That's an easy one to fix. I'll just smile more and not say anything rude or obnoxious, and filter anything that might hurt someone's feelings. See! Easy. But there is this problem that I have that I've been trying to fix for years, and it is extremely hard to overcome it. I hate to even admit it, but I'm not a humble person.

Don't get me wrong, I'm obstensibly humble. I won't go bragging on about anything just for the sake of it, but the fact that I am ultimately not humble comes up in a strange situation. When I look over at people and find fault with them, something in me wants me to feel better than them for some reason. "Oh its ok they're smarter, they're ugly." Or "Oh its ok they're not ugly, they're dumb." But then there are times when I can't find anything to justify being better than a person and I internally go nuts.

Case in point, there are 4 black people in my medical school class, myself included. One is a guy and he's gay, so I never really compare myself to him. The other is a 30 year old woman who is engaged, so I don't compare myself to her either. But then there is another girl. My same age. And so she is the person that I look to when I want to give myself standards. It's usually simple like, oh, I'm better b/c I dress better. Oh I'm better because I have a better understanding of the material, I got a better grade on this test, blah blah blah. But how long can I do this until I run out of ways of feeling better and WHY must I feel better?

It made me think. Feeling better than others has always been my identity. When I was a little kid my moms friends would love to listen to me talk about what I learned in school that day and would even be nice enough to entertain my bajillion questions. As I got older, I always got put in a different track of people, "The more ABLE learners." And within this track I had the most ambition. I got to college and all of that came-a-tumbling down. I was no more able to learn than others, and as a matter of fact, I was seriously lagging behind most students. That was easy to fix. I'd just dress better and not work harder, but work smarter.

So here I am in med school, not any med school either. I'm at the kind where they take people who have done completely amazing things and stuff 'em in a class of 86 people. I should say that not all of us have done any tangibley amazing things.. myself included. But even amongst all 84 other people I was able to finally say to myself that I gained admission because I've been through a lot of personal tragedy and I'm still standing.

But then that just leaves the other one person that gets me to really look long and hard at myself. Am I jealous of her? Am I envious? What IS it? And the thing is, I don't want to be her, at all. But I guess what she stands for is this - through all the tragedy I've endured, I've been told that it's a good thing, that it makes me stronger, that it will get me to better places. But then I get faced with someone who, from what I can tell, didn't have to go through the same things, and I get angry. It gets back to the why me question. Have I been lied to? Does life really have no compensation for having to deal with stuff no one would ever sign themselves up for? So in essence its not her, but its what she represents to me.

A lot of my questions are still unanswered and will never be answered. But I have to find some way to feel better about the whole thing. Maybe one day I'll be mature enough to truly never envy anyone, and I will stop believing that life owes me more simply because I've been through "more." I mean, there is always someone who has it worse right?

Moreover, the one good side effect of having a living, breathing representation of my frustration in life is that my anger gets channeled into working harder. I say, Damn you life, you may not give me more but I will make more of you because that is the only way I will feel better about the circumstances under which I have had to live.

So there I have it. I'm still not mature enough, yet, to get over any hang ups I may have... but I'm fine in having this "vice" since it ultimately motivates me to strive for not just the top, but the tippy, tippy, top. ... for better or worse I guess..

The Study of Neuroscience

2007-03-02T01:15:00.000-08:00

In studying neuroscience I often feel like we're all one step closer to "figuring it all out." As if each new piece of evidence we find moves us closer to the day when we will find the hiding place of the master regulator, who will be sitting behind a huge green curtain. Someone in a lab coat will pull the curtain back and the "master regulator" will be a bumbling 50 year old guy who's a bit startled. And thats where my vision ends. Although.. if he's the master regulator, why would he be startled? Wouldn't he KNOW that people had found him?...

In crisis...

2007-02-25T18:36:00.000-08:00

It is my firm belief that only in crisis can we know that we truly love someone. Until then, it is merely speculation. Many people may never have their love tested by tragic or truly uncomfortable events, but I find that crisis is a clear winner as a barometer for love for many reasons.

Firstly, many of us are delusional or, to be nicer, unaware about the reasons we love a person. A lot of love is selfish. And I've wondered why for a long time, but came to understand that the only other highly charged emotional relationships in our lives are the relationships with our parents. Most people can be destroyed by a single word or action on the part of their parents. And when we enter relationships, its as if we're looking for that approval our parents either always gave to us, sometimes gave to us, or never gave to us. Depending on the degree to which we felt loved by our parents (either mother or father), we will continue to look for it in our partners. For example, if someone was doted on as a child, they will expect it from a significant other. If someone was neglected by a certain parent, they may stay in bad relationships where their needs are neglected because they have come to expect it.

So in essence, many of us just want approval from someone else, that we are loveable and that our existence is worth being jived about. For others still, if they aren't in a relationship they feel like they're missing their life's blood. Nothing that I've said so far is rocket science, but I guess my point is, IF your relationship with your partner is built on a sense of need for approval, which I would deem to be immature love, then once your partner stopped offering you that sense of approval or you stopped feeling it, the relationship would be over. The reasons for lapses in approval may be reasonable - they're working on their career, they have to deal with a life crisis, they have grown as a person, etc - but the result would be the same, "no more love." I don't call that kind of love real love for another person. Or maybe the better way to put it is that its a shade of love that is too tenuous to count on in the long term. That kind of love is love of built on selfish needs and desires; a love that can only be sustained while the partner is making you feel exactly how you're accustomed to feeling due to your prior experience with your parents.

Crisis then becomes the real test. Could you still love this person if they changed? Could you grow with them? Would you still love this person if they couldn't focus on you as much as you would like them to? If this person came down with a horrible disease, would you still be by their side?

I think a lot of us would like to believe that we would say "yes" to all of the afformentioned questions, but then again I'm not sure that everyone is truthful with themselves.

So if that's immature love, what do other, stronger kinds of love look like? Well, I think there is a type of love that can be based completely on our sense of self and our identity, but is not selfish. Its the "soulmates" kind of love where we see in our opposite gender the person we are. And if we love who we are, we love them just as much. Many people aren't in love with themselves though.. so that's an issue. Then there is the "mature love." The kind of love where you first have to admit to yourself that you are choosing to love this person for reasons that are not superficial - if they are superficial if any of the parameters aren't met you'll just leave. With this choice, you also have to have an overwhelming sense of duty. "I told this person that I loved them, and when I said it I meant it. Given that, even during the times that I am not in love with this person, I will not bail on them." And to be honest, I don't think love must necessarily be tied to marriage. I legally can't marry any of my girlfriends, yet in my true friendships, I'd like to think there is mature love involved.

These are just some of my random thoughts though.. I'm sure there are many a psychiatrist who are better than I am at breaking these thoughts down. They also use fancy words like "ego and shadow."

I'm only effin 23!

2007-02-24T22:45:00.000-08:00

Yes, ok, i'm a little slow. But it just dawned on me, I've been taking life to effin seriously! I'm only 23! WHY am I talking about where I want to live and raise a family, or whether or not I'll get married to my boyfriend, or being in the prime of my life, or where my career is headed.

Geeeeez. I haven't been feeling well, mentally, for the past couple of days and I think I needed a day of doing absolutely nothing, not over thinking, nothing to get the huge corkscrew in my head dislodged. I've been beating myself up for everything, wondering when I'll do cutting edge research, when I'll try for this award, when will I get married blah blah blah.

Sigh. Man. Back to my regularly scheduled program of being effin 23. Making eyes with the cuties, letting my milkshake bring all the boys to the yard - even if I only look, no touching, not cheating! If I get married to my bf great, if not, pshhhh I'm gonna be a doctor.. I will be more than fine in the finding of eligible bachelors. I should start being more personable - even if I hate you. I should come to realize that all life decisions don't have to be made immediatly.. or any time soon for that matter. Time to delve into MY interests, the things that excite me, not what will look good on a resume. Express myself as fully as I desire.. b/c when I'm 45 no matter how much I want to, ppl are going to say "God, she thinks she's 23 but she's 45. How sad!" No more repression b/c as CG Jung said - "Everything in the uncouncious seeks outward manifestation."

Sorry that most of this is incoherent. I just had to get that all off my chest.

The Irony

2007-02-20T21:14:00.000-08:00

I was having a debate with a friend about whether destiny or fate are real. Neither of us particularly believe in god so in a way we have to make up our own life meanings. My friend more believes in path dependency. Given a certain set of traits and conditions to begin with, each move you make will in turn affect your later movements until you get to the end of your life. So in short, she really doesn't believe in destiny.

Well I guess I've been struggling with this whole idea for a while now. If there is destiny or fate, doesn't that mean there has to be a higher order to all things? And does that mean that this higher order is in fact a god? Hm, well Christian religion really hasn't convinced me so far. So in my inability to understand anything, I've chosen one thing to believe in and that is Karma. Seeing that some people are just born unlucky, it makes me also wonder if karma can follow one through different lives. Anyway, that's another story.

In the end though, there really is no proof for karma or any "higher force." Or is there...?

Then I looked at a gossip column (yes I do this when I procrastinate) and learned that now everyone thinks Howard K. Stern may have had a hand in Anna Nicole Smith's death and refuses to let Anna's daughter be tested just so he can get some loot out of it. HA! Crazy! Because if everyone remembers Anna had been fighting a long battle to get the money from some old guy she conned into marrying her so she could get HIS loot!

DAMN! Life's a BITCH! Be good to others my friends.. be good to others...

I guess some might say "God" had something to do with this. But I'm going to stick with my karma idea. I quite like it.

I met a guy...

2007-02-18T19:59:00.000-08:00

I met a guy in the parking lot of a safeway in SF. He was hot and funny so I stayed and talked to him for a bit. He got my phone number, said he'd call me to meet up before he headed off to Hawaii.

He called today just to chit-chat.

Too bad that I met him A YEAR AGO when i was living in SF and had recently broken up w/ my current bf.

He didnt think it was weird at all to be calling me A YEAR later and before I spoke to him sent me creepy text messages saying I should 'call him.' The only reason I finally did call him was b/c my paranoia (sp?) go the best of me and I wanted to make sure I knew the person and that they weren't a random stalker.

He even recounted how he had in fact called me last year and how I said I couldnt meet up w/ him b/c I had other things to do. And when I asked what I owed this call to, he said something about catching up with his favorite med student. Um right. Did I also mention that he is currently in HAWAII??? As if!

What a WEIRDO!

3 Types of Guys

2007-02-18T13:09:00.000-08:00

I sort of hate giving advice. Because if it doesnt work for someone then I feel like a screw up. And there are so many different situations in the world, how can you use wide sweeping generalizations for a specific situation? Well my mom would say that all men are the same on some basic level so generalizations are ok in that sense.

Recently a friend I haven't talked to in like forever! got back in contact with me and its been great catching up with her. She's currently going crazy over a particular guy and she asked me about it today. "Should I text him or should I wait?" I told her to wait even though they hadn't seen each other in about a week + a couple of days. He sent her a short note on v-day and that was it. And now she's flipping out!

Understandable.. God it gave me flashbacks of my whole experience w/ my current boyfriend and those were some stressful ass times. So I was giving her advice from what I had learned in my own experiences.

She then mentioned that her friends had met guys around the same time she did and those guys were all over them. And then it dawned on me, I know about 3 types of guys in particular b/c I had to deal with them in succession. So I figured if I put down my thoughts I could better help her sort out her situation. I can't do it all at once, b/c I have a lot of other things that need to get done, but I thought I'd at least start.

The 1st guy - Adam AKA Mr. Protege - Total sleaze ball
1.) Called sometimes.. mostly on the weekends when he was out partying. Also called while sitting in traffic
- texted a lot
- probably had a girlfriend who he called a "friend"
- his pursuit increased greatly when he figured out I wasn't an easy catch
- went on 2 dates in 8 months
- saw him on impromptu occasions twice
- end result: told him I was moving out of state.. that didnt work, and finally after a year and a half of him trying to get laid, I told him I was changing my number. Problem solved!

The 2nd guy - Jason AKA Mr. Net - Clingy basket case
1.) After 1st date, texted me 1 minute after I left to say something like "Had fun! Hope I can see you again"
- emailed consistently
- talked about marriage on 2nd date
- came on way too strong
- invited me to meet his family after a couple of months of knowing him
- got really offended by my apathy towards him
- ended up sending me an email about how he wanted to "break it off" (Lol! break WHAT off?)
- months later invited me out to dinner after hearing that I was thinking of breaking up w/ current boyfriend and gave a speech about how he wanted to date me again
- end result: fuck off weirdo! ok not really, still sorta keep in contact w/ him when he sends random emails or calls randomly and tries to make himself feel better about his current gfs... whatever

3rd guy - Brian AKA The boyfriend - Guy's guy
- ugh, where do I begin!

More to come...

Eureka!

2007-02-17T22:42:00.000-08:00

(I should also note, that not all posts are going on my myspace account since more personal posts, or posts about certain people and things, can be read by people that I don't want reading them. This blog is more personal.. so grab a pillow, snuggle up, and enjoy the mellow vibes of the smooth jazz whafting out of the speakers :) )

Ok to the point. I think I've finally figured out why I have felt strange about my love for my boyfriend. Usually when people are in love you can see it. They're head over heels and never want to be separated from their loved one for a second! Ok, maybe this is a bit extreme. But the point is after the "honeymoon" stage wore off I felt distant. I know I love him.. well I think I do.. but I just don't "feel" it. I've been wondering why that is, and if its just a "me" thing. But I think I've finally figured it out.

I don't "feel" in love with him b/c I still view him as an enemy to be wary of. There are parts of my life that I have purposely neglected to share with him b/c I felt that he would judge me. But in thinking of whether or not to finally share certain things with him, I started to feel less apprehensive, less like he is an enemy of sorts that can judge me and destroy me. I mean I have no idea how he will react to any of it, but if it is positive, or at least supportive, I guess then I know the love really exists. And then maybe I can let my hair down and allow myself to feel... to REALLY feel..

This could all end badly with me dumping him and throwing a brick at his truck.. buuut.. lets go with the warm feelings until proven otherwise ;-)

Piss Off!

2007-02-17T22:24:00.000-08:00

(PS the contents of this post are also on my myspace account. I haven't put my settings on private yet, so even if you don't have an account you can view it, so I probably won't double post much these days. But in the event that I do turn my account private, I'll double post so you don't have to get a myspace account just to read up on my current retardedness... not that anyone cares.. but just in case :) www.myspace.com/gyangster)

I can't wait until I buy my own house! Today, for the second time, a neighbor accosted me about the poop on the lawn within the apartment complex. The first time she tried to talk to me about it she repeated ad nauseum the fact that she had to pick up poop that day and that it wasn't HER dog, and the dog in some other apartment ran away, and so it had to be either my dog or my roommate's dog. Firstly, ew. Secondly, there are more than 3 dogs in the whole apartment complex. But since this particular neighbor isn't aware of that fact that there are mroe dogs, she refuses to believe me. Apparently I'm just making sh** up.

So whatever. I told her that I took my dog for long walks so it wasn't him. If she finds that there is dog poop on the lawn she can buy a lawn chair, sit out there, and discover the perpetrator. (Ok, I kind of didn't say that last part.)To make matters worse, today, as I was leaving to study, she yells my name as she is actually picking up dog poop. EW! (she did have gloves on) Then she tries to accuse me of doing it. "Listen bitch, it aint me." Ok I didnt say that part either. But I did say that it wasn't me, she still didnt believe that there are other dogs in the complex, AND she thinks its my roommate. Then she goes on about how "it" (it what?) is against the law in Palo Alto. I assure her that it wasn't me or my roommate. But she doesn't believe me. She still thinks its my roommate.

ARGH! What is wrong w/ people? I have better things to think about then "who's dog poop is on a friggen lawn!" This is punishment for my bad saving habits. Seriously, I was making enough money during my time off from school to not only pay off my credit cards, but also enough to put a down payment on a house, albeit a modest house. Did I do any of these things? NO! And here is my punishment - an old lady holding poop in her hand trying to make me look at it while also accusing me of letting my dog do it.When I buy a house, I will be sure to buy a gigantic sign that says "FUCK OFF" and stick it on my lawn.

Humph!

Kind of Embarassed

2007-02-12T22:13:00.000-08:00

Today we had a ophthalmologist come in to give us an introductory lecture to the field. I was about 10 minutes early and decided to go sit in the lecture hall anyway. As I walked in the ophthalmologist asked me what year we were. I told him and also added that we were trying to use ophthalmascopes the previous week and in the process almost made one of our fellow students go blind (she was really nice to have incompetent people stare in her eye with a bright ass light). He asked what parts of the eye we had gone over already and I told him.

Later on a couple of students trickled in and a friend came to sit next to me. She was discussing how behind she was and I empathized. I then got so worked up in my empathy that I cursed! In front of the ophthalmologist! It went something like "I love it when I'm watching lectures and the professor will say, oh you should learn this chart for the test. Then another professor will say that about another chart in another class. Then another professor will be like, oh you should learn this for the test. I'm just like fuck you! I'm not learning any of this!"

Ok first of all. I didnt mean to say "fuck you" as much as I meant to say "fuck that." In saying "fuck you" it seems as if I am putting down professors who take so much time to teach us, and that I am ungrateful. Not the case. Secondly, I really didnt mean to say "fuck" as much as I meant to say "screw" as in "screw that." Thirdly, I didn't mean to say it so loud. Fourthly, the doctor kept tinkering with his computer so maybe he was so absorbed in that, that he didnt hear me. Fifthly, it really doesn't matter if he heard me or not does it? Like is he going to report me to someone? Oh no! I hope he doesnt report me! And by the way, he has no bearing on my grades. Sixthly, I think everything came out the way it did b/c I'm just stressed out.

So in conclusion, I need to keep my mouth shut about what I think about the curriculumn in front of important people. Apparently I get so worked up that I do embarassing things like curse in front of people that I might offend.

Sigh..

Put up and Shut up!

2007-02-11T22:39:00.000-08:00

I've decided to quit my bitchin'... well sorta. No one MADE me decide to go into medicine. And it wasn't like I didn't know it was going to be hard. So its time for me to stop complaining about how so and so gets to do this and that.

I made this decision after talking to a doctor at a dinner party. I complained to her about how I felt like I was in the prime of my life and was spending all this time holed up in libraries and lecture halls. She simply laughed at me and said, "You are NOT in the prime of your life. Wait until you get older."

I guess she's right. I'm just a naive 23 year old. What do I know about life? And even if it takes me until 30 to start practicing (you know the kind of practicing where I'm not crying over an attendant yelling at me and calling me incompetent) at least THEN I'll be in the prime of my life and will have more autonomy over my life than I could ever imagine.

She also told me that she had a "Faaabulous time" in medical school. I looked at her as if she had two heads. Then she explained, "Yes, the first two years were very rigorous, but I still found ways to have fun. And clinics, oh those are wonderful!"

Ok, fine. Sigh.. back to work.

We Really Aren't that Special

2007-02-10T18:41:00.000-08:00

This is a lesson that I've been trying to teach myself for a while now. Why in the world would I want to do that? Well because.. feeling special can be a good thing, but it can also make you think that the world revolves around you and your issues. Its much more freeing to look at a situation and say "Eh, it happens. Even to me! I'm not that special. I am no less subject to the ups and downs of life than the bum I met on the street. Ok, maybe I've been luckier, but really life does not revolve around me."

This lesson seems even more salient after my perusal of craigslist. My living situation is much better than it was before, but I would like to live in a nicer apartment complex overall and would like to relocate to Menlo Park, which ends up being closer to the med school campus. I'm in no rush so from time to time I'll look on craigslist to see if this is even a viable option - i.e. can a find a better place thats not more expensive and nicer in a different neighborhood?

Then I came across a post. It was a guy who had just rented a 3 bedroom house and was looking to fill it with housemates. He works at Stanford and has a dog. He included a picture of himself and the dog. He's cute and his dog at least looks friendly. Then something dawned on me. He's charging the same amount that my current bf was charging when I moved in with him (before we started dating). Also, he's about the same height and build except he has blonde hair. He has the dog that my bf would have gotten if he didn't get a Doberman. He's 26 (the same age my bf was when I met him) AND his name is Brian.

Haha. Its a funny coincidence I guess. I decided to definetly NOT respond to the ad. But it made me think. If I can find one person on craigslist who is strikingly similar to my bf, even on a superficial level, well geez, we're not all that special afterall are we? I mean I guess it makes sense. There are billions of people in the world. And our genes don't mutate like crazy. Not to mention there are a lot of cultural similarities (especially if you grow up in the US), so there are bound to be people out there who sorta look like you, sorta talk like you, and sorta think the way you think.

I personally don't know how many times I've been told, "I met this girl today. She looks just like you!" Usually though, I find that the person looks nothing like me, but I'm sure there are plenty of people who actually do look like me.

Funny, its such a strange concept. I'm not special. None of us are! Go fig!

The Notebook!

2007-02-09T23:19:00.000-08:00

So after tracking down Columbia House's REAL customer service number my issue with them was resolved and supposedly they are refunding the amount + extra that I was double billed with.

Anyway, thats not important. What is important is that they made me fill out a card for movies I wanted and gave a list. But the list wasn't that long and I did it quickly.

I looked again at the list they said they sent me and my heart skipped a beat when I realized I HAD in fact ordered "The Notebook". Its really weird because I'm not generally a chick-flick kind of person, and when I found out a certain ex-friend saw the movie and loved it, I decided that I would probably hate the movie.

I can't really remember where I saw the movie (DAMN YOU MED SCHOOL! My brain is complete moosh) but I remember I LOVED IT! I think in part its b/c the guy reminds me of my current boyfriend.. which I guess means that it is possible that I may hate this movie later on. Also, the guy is HOT. AND overall they did a great casting job AND the story is so moving. ME? moved by LOVE? Crazy but this movie did it. Even looking at the cover makes my heart melt.. crazzzy.

Much like "Gladiator" I will probably watch this movie a bajillion times until I'm sick of it and name another dog after a character in the movie... or not.

But yeah. Great movie :)

It's hard but I'm trying

2007-02-05T23:33:00.000-08:00

I once heard a saying that didn't make much sense at the time. Something about, "to wait at a street corner for no one is powerful." Or maybe it was a bus stop. But why would you wait at a bus stop of you weren't waiting for anyone?

In any case, the point of the quote was to say that those who truly are happy with themselves and their lives need no one and more importantly don't suffer from jealousy or envy.

My mom has been trying to get me to become this way, and while I've learned theoretically never to be envious of anyone - we've all got our own issues in life - at a basic level its kind of hard to not have a reaction of envy these days.

Here I sit at a desk - my desk, the libraries desk, a classroom desk - caged in by my school obligations and I look out to other people. I have friends who just quit their job and became beach bums, I have friends who are in their 20s having the time of their lives, I have friends who seem to have a lot of things figured out, and I can't help but be envious. I know that this med school thing is for me. I know that I will be greatful when I graduate to finally be able to do what *I* want to do and not feel like someone's bitch for the rest of my life.. and yet, I still wish that for a moment, I can be free from all of these obligations and be the pure and simple, me.

But alas, I slave away learning names of muscles, nerves, drugs, bugs... for the most part I find interest in joy in the endeavor but again, there are the moments where I wonder how long I can handle delaying gratification.

I have this sad feeling that when I finally make it out of this all I'm going to look back on my 20s with some regret. For a long while I felt that I had "lived it up" while in college and during my break from school and all of "that" is out of my system. But when I look over to friends who are spending their 20s doing what they FEEL they want to do and not what they THINK they should be doing, I can't help but wish I could do whatever I FELT like.

I'm going to have to reconcile this all.. and hopefully soon. Maybe I can find a way to take meaningful breaks from all the work so I don't feel that I'm squandering my 20s as I sit at one desk after another learning..all..the..time..living..never.

It reminds me of the sports medicine resident I ran into while I was a junior in college. She was bitter; really bitter. "Medical school is not worth it. I just did it because I had an ego. Am I ever going to remember the drug names from pharmacology? No. So much of it was useless. I'm 3o I don't own my own car, I don't own my own house. I have friends who have all of that and their married. I'd advise you not to do it. Just be a PA. You'll make as much money and you'll get out of school faster."

After getting into medical school I laughed it off as just a bitter person who didn't plan properly. But now I know.. this choice this early in life kinda sucks. And at the end I may feel robbed of my youth.

Then again, I've always felt robbed of my youth. I was made responsible for a lot of things early on, so what's the big deal now?

I don't know.. just tired of always being responsible I guess. I think this means I need a vacation. A vacation where I lay on some beach and think of nothing but how much I love the warm sun... 2 months and counting until that dream can even become a possiblity... :-/

The impossible may be happening

2007-02-03T20:15:00.000-08:00

I'm sure I've bored you all to death with my constant whining about my classmates. But it seems like the impossible is starting to happen. I'm starting to not dislike..all.. of them. The reason for this really goes back to why I disliked them in the first place. I don't like pretending to like people if I don't know them. And before I know a person, I usually find them to be annoying. I guess its because, without knowing a person, I have no context in which to put their personality and behavior in so its just really annoying.

Por ejemplo:

We had a class where a psychiatric patient came in and talked about her depression. One of my classmates which I found to be particularly annoying asked the following, "I come from a family that has dealt with depression a lot and I know that when someone is depressed, a lot of times they are really trying to get better but its really hard for them. Were there anythings that gave you hope to keep trying in your battle with depression?"

After he said that, he stopped annoying me. Why? B/c now I know why he's so obnoxious. If you're young and growing up with a family member with depression, it can often be the case that you try to carry the burden of cheering the person up. You try to make jokes, be happy all the time, or direct attention from their depression in any possible way. Thus, why this guy is such an attention-whore! Knowing a small part of his story has made me dislike him.. less.

Also, we've had to do a couple of projects in small groups that have pretty much forced me to listen to my classmates and get to know some of them better. Now that I know some of their background, I can judge them less harshly I guess.

I'm not saying i'm going to be partying with them any time soon or adding them as facebook friends. But, it kind of reinforces my original belief that I don't just dislike people b/c I like disliking them. But if I only get to know you on a superficial level, just because you're pleasant doesn't mean I should like you. Truly awful people can be pleasant for a few moments in their day. But once I get to know that deep down..deep, deep, down, you're a good person and pretty genuine, then we can talk. But getting to know people is a looong process.

I'm up for it now that I am getting to know another side of people.

(Granted I started out liking 6 people and now like 9.. like I said, slow process ;) )

On Karma

2007-01-29T18:55:00.000-08:00

As a 20-something year old, I often times feel like the 6 month old child that just learns that hitting your head with a spoon HURTS. You know the seen. The baby is bouncing in the chair happy about who knows what, when inevitably the kid hits his head with the spoon, and then what happens? Tears come streaming forth. With lound cries for good measure.

To those older than the infant, its patently obvious that hitting yourself hard with a solid object hurts, but how the hell is the baby supposed to know? That's how I feel about the lesson on karma I've learned recently. Older, more wise, folk know what I'm about the lessons I've learned. But how the hell else was I supposed to know?

Over the past few weeks I've been lamenting about how crappy things have been happening TO me. To me, is important b/c I don't think I had a direct hand in anything that happened recently, they just happened.

The first thing that runs through my mind when shitty things happen is, "why ME??? what did I do??" The answer dawned on me today. Case in point (if you read the other post about the dentist thing, you might want to skip this part)-

When I was in NY my tooth chipped. I have no idea why, i was just biting my thumb/biting my nail, then bam, chipped. Its not a huge chip, hardly noticable - especially given everyone's self absorption. People are too self absorbed to pay that much attention to you. Regardless, I spazzed. It happened on a weekend so when Monday came, I called every dentist possible to schedule an appointment given the type of insurance I had. Before I went on break I enrolled in this "Discount savings plan" for dentistry coverage. The advertisement came through my school website so I figured, better that than nothing.

The plan has a website so I went on in and looked up doctors around the area and found one, made an appointment and vuala! I got to the office and the dentist was over-eager to get to work on my mouth. After she heard that I hadn't been at the dentist in for like ever, she was even happier. "We're going to give you x-rays, clean your teeth, blah blah blah." I told her to slow down. Given that I had a discount plan and not insurance, I only had funds to fix the tooth that chipped. She called in her receptionist who said that she had called the number that I gave her that was on the card and they said they covered pretty much everything and 80% of cosmetic stuff. I was weary but since I had never called the number, I thought the receptionist would know better than I.

For teeth cleaning, x-rays, and bonding my chipped tooth, I was charged $22. What a deal! I thought.. When I got home I realized that the bonding might have been crappy work. When I got back to California I got a call from the receptionist saying that the insurance company said that the claim for the work was improperly filed and that they might have to send me the bill. I thought, "HA! There is no way in hell I'm paying that bill. Especially if the work done wasn't that great." Guess what happened. A week later, the bonding that the dentist put on chipped right off! It was as if karma said, you don't want to pay? Ok. Say goodbye to the work.

Easy come easy go.

Now I'm starting to realize what my mom said once about karma being blind to certain things. She mentioned that karma only knows when you do harm. For example - a government official put on deportation duty. This officer might find a case given to him where a man, who is applying for citizenship. After investigating the man's background, the officer may find that the man has been arrested in the past for gang activities. Under the immigration law, the man is eligible for deportation. The officer decides to use this law to justify deporting the man. All of a sudden tragedy strikes the officer's family.

My mother would argue that the officer will have shitty things happen to them because of the action of deporting the man, even if the man was involved in illegal activities. Why? Because that man also had a grandmother who depended on the money he sent to her as her sole income. Now that the man is deported, the grandmother has no source of income and is left destitute. As my mom tried to explain to me, "all karma knows is that the officer caused great harm to a family. Yes the law says that the man should be deported, but regardless of what laws we construct, their are natural laws at work. Bad energy will beget bad energy."

Hmmm I thought. Does this mean that we should always turn the other cheek when we see something wrong just because we don't want to have shitty things happen to us? "No, thats stupid" my mom said. She mostly said that when things like that happen we just have to be aware that life isn't always black and white. There is a lot of gray area and that there are forces above and beyond human control that balance energy in the world.

So in essence, karma isn't fair. I wonder if it even operates on the idea of what's "right."

Case in point my chipped tooth. Is it fair for me to have to pay for services that were badly performed? I don't think so. But, b/c I don't pay, the dentist who took time and resources to do the work (even if shitty) doesn't get compensate = bad energy hanging around me.

I think karma also has to do with why my skin has been so bad lately. I often talk shit about my classmates. In a way I guess I carry an air (sp?) that I think I'm better than people. This is not my true sentiment, as I think that the people I'm in class with must have incredible talents above and beyond my own (even if I don't see it on a daily basis), BUT I probably do come off as arrogant since I generally just don't care. Being arrogant, or even coming off arrogant = bad. So what happens to me? My face breaks the hell out to bring me down to earth; to make others realize that I'm not as flawless as I may seem to appear.

Fair enough.

So then the question is raised, does karma only work if you know you've wronged a person? I'm not sure about this one. I mean I know its not a good thing to not pay people. I know its not a good thing to talk about people in a bad way. But what about those people who seem to be nice and all but just have shitty things happening to them all the time?

Well I'd venture to guess that either A.) They're not as nice as you think or B.) Karma may work on a macro-level; in the sense that it can be greater than an individuals life such that there will be people in life who have it absolutely shitty and there will be people in life who have an amazing time with everything.

My mother also has this saying "don't let karma use you." Meaning, don't put yourself in a position to do harm to a person b/c you think they clearly deserve it because you will pay for it later. I'm pretty sure I know the person who dented my car over the weekend. There aren't many blue cars in the parking lot and this woman is particularly horrible at parking. At weak moments I just want to walk over to her car and kick it! But, I will not be used by "karma." She has it coming to her, as would I if I was the person to give "it" to her.

Today I also realized that I've been focusing on the negative aspects of karma. It should stand to reason that if I do a lot of good, a lot of good will come my way. I'm convinced this is why I've seen so many doctors with really good skin. I mean they look so good for their age I usually guess they're at least 5-10 years younger than they actually are. Med school is kicking my ass right now, so I don't exactly have time to be saving orphan kids at the moment, but maybe I can work on being a nicer person to people even if I don't know them... or care :)

I'm sure that as I continue to mature I'll refine my thoughts about karma a bit, but these days it makes more sense to me than anything else.

There's Gotta be More to Life

2007-01-27T11:13:00.000-08:00

I think recently life has been trying to send me a big hint, an FYI. I'm pretty sure of it as things just seem to be going crappily. What's the message? Don't sweat the small stuff and take the time to fight for yourself. These messages may be somewhat antithetical, but I guess it makes sense. My mom has constantly been telling me these two things, but I think in life you have to rack up enough experiences and be willing to see the message in order to really learn any lesson that will stick.

My crazy roommate situation (see October, I believe) taught me the latter lesson. If nothing else, she was always fighting for herself and her issues and guess what? I walked away -$800 partly due to her selfishness and she lost no money or time. I don't want to become a more selfish person. Lord knows I've been trying to become less selfish. But there are times when I keep mute because I'd rather not go through the trouble of standing up for myself. I think it also has to do with a control issue. I end up pulling way more weight than another person, not always because they dont want to do something, but because I don't tell them I need them to do something. I realize I do this b/c I don't want to deal with having to depend on another person for whom I have no control over. Case in point - my current roommate's dog keeps attacking my dog. I effin hate my roommate's dog. Not only does she attack him, but then she pees on the carpet as some kind of way of marking territory I guess. It's effin annoying and also teaches me the lesson of never having or living with a female dog again. So I initially saw two solutions - move out, or keep my dog locked in my room. Both of these solutions do not factor in any efforts my roommate can take to make the situation better and reflect the fact that I'm always thinking of what I need to do as opposed to a broader view of what everyone needs to do. I reallly don't have the time nor energy to move and the idea of keeping Max locked in my room everyday just didn't seem appealing. So instead, I finally decided to actually "compromise" with my roommate. We would altnernate the days on which each dog could freely roam the common space while we're gone and she has to be extremely careful of the whereabouts of her dog when Max is around. Problem fixed. Stand up for yourself and what you need Bang and make others accountable for what needs to happen. If I would have done the same thing in my roommate situation, I would have asked her from the get-go to help me select a roommate by putting up ads and interviewing people. If she refused then at that point I would tell her that I will find whoever is willing to move in then and it would have saved me the headache of finding a good "fit." And saved at least $300 lost in rent due to someone moving in the middle of the month.

Don't sweat the small stuff...

After coming back from London where I stayed with my uncle and aunt for a bit, both of whom are dentists, I chipped my tooth. I wasn't doing anything out of the ordinary. I was biting a nail and a small piece chipped. My mom looked at it and said that it was hardly noticible. But for whatever reason I freaked out and immediatly went to a dentist. I called the dentist, told them the kind of insurance I had - its not so much insurance as much as a discount plan for dentistry work - and went in to see someone the same day. The dentist was so eager to clean my teeth and perform x-rays but I was hesitant b/c I knew I had a discount plan, not actual insurance. The receptionist assured me that she had called the number on the card and they told her they covered preventative services and would cover 80% of getting my tooth fixed. So the dentist whisked me away and started performing procedures. At the end of it all I paid 20 bucks. Not bad.

Though when I got home I started to think the work the dentist did was shoddy. I could feel the bonding she put on my tooth and every once in a while, some of the bonding would chip off. When I returned to California, about 2 weeks later, I received a phone call from the same receptionist. She asked me if I gave her the correct number for the Dental plan and said that my insurance company sent them back the claim form and said that the claim was filed incorrectly. She asked me if I had another form of insurance and then said, "I just want to know who to send this in to. I don't want to have to send you the bill." I thought ha! after such shoddy work I'm not paying a dime over what I've already been charged, and I voiced my concern about which dental plan she was talking about. Anyway, I haven't really had time to deal with that issue. And then something funny happened. I was biting on a tortilla chip, granted a particularly hard one, and the bonding that the dentist performed, came off!

So now I'm faced with the possibility of paying a big dental bill for shitty work! I wonder if I would have just waited to have things done in California, or if I would have said, "you know what, it is hardly noticible, not worth worrying about," that things would have turned out better.

Not to mention when I got back I vowed to get my finances in order. And the funny thing is I've been double-billed, lied to by agents, and just generally frustrated with trying to make sure everything is paid off.

And the mother of it all, today I walked out to walk my dog and saw my car. Someone dented it.

The weird thing is that I didn't have a massive anxiety attack. I just looked at it, took some pictures in case, shrugged my shoulders and went on with my day.

I've decided that if I don't want to suffer from a major coronary heart attack, I'm going to have to stop worrying about the inconsequential stuff. My life has been extremely tough at times, but I'm still at a place a lot of people would for. I went to a good school, gained a lot from it intellectually and personally, and I'm in the process of achieving my life long dreams. So really, everything else is small stuff. I don't even have much time to sweat the small stuff since there are things in my life that are the size of boulders that need to be attend to first.

Hopefully things will stop going crappily soon.. but I'm not holding my breath :)

The Root of It

2007-01-24T19:37:00.000-08:00

I was talking to another friend of mine that I hadn't spoken to in a while (notice a patter here? sigh)

Anyway I was cathing up with life and I told her how the bf was going off to training and how I felt bad that I was being mean to him almost everyday until the actual day before and to my surprise she gasped and exclaimed, "I know how you feel!"

My friend is engaged and her and her fiance lived apart for two years while he was still in school. She told me about the ridiculous fights that they would have and how prior to them being long distance, she could count the amount of fights they had over 3 years on one hand. After he moved, they were bickering almost every couple of days.

One great thing I got out of the conversation is that my friend helped me see why I was so annoyed at the bf and being nit picky.

For one, you're already annoyed that you don't get to be with the person. But then you tell yourself you can understand b/c they are supposed to be doing something important. But as soon as they deter from any course of action they originally said they were going to take, tempers flair.

I don't know if this is a girl thing or not. I'm not exactly sure that guys always feel this way. But I guess its a lesson in why its bad to play the blame game on others when YOU are feeling bad. I mean of course people can purposely or inadvertantly cause you harm, but there are always layers to an issue. You may think you've gotten to the last layer until you suddenly realize that there is another issue at hand.

I guess you know when you've gotten to the root of the problem when you try to fix it based on its cause and it actually works. Blaming the bf for slacking didn't make me feel better. But understanding that I was more annoyed with the fact that he wasn't with me AND decided to do something else helped me let go of the reigns a bit.

Now I can dig my heels into this quarters work and hopefully make it through!

I can tell its going to be another few months before I can catch up with people again.

In the meantime, on with life...

Not seeing the trees for the forest

2007-01-20T22:15:00.000-08:00

My mother and I came to the same conclusion about something, at about the same time. I am too focused on the future, and have little ability to just live in the present. "Life is about the journey, not about the destination," my mom said. I completely agreed w/ her. My focusing on the future so much gets me in a lot of trouble, and weirdly enough, can make me unrealistic about things.

In an earlier post I wrote about advice a friend gave me about choosing between a fixer upper and a modern home - go with the modern home. In other words, if I find that my bf's traits aren't exactly compatible with my own, I can find someone who fits perfectly.

I still don't know if I agree with the perfect fit, but as I am slowly learning how to see what's here today, instead of fantasizing about the future, I'm starting to wonder if the 5% that my bf doesn't have is the 5% that I NEED to have.

Earlier in the week he asked me what I was going to do w/ my weekend. I told him I was so behind that I was going to spend the whole weekend studying. He said that since he had to take the GRE on Monday that he was going to spend the weekend studying as well.

Well yesterday he called me drunk. I don't usually associate drunkeness with the ability to get much work done the following day, so I assumed right there that his plan to study would be shot to hell, regardless of the impending exam. I couldn't blame him too much since it was his father's birthday and his family did all plan to go out for dinner, so thats ok. I was feeling especially crappy about other things yesterday so I didn't much feel like talking to a drunk bf so I sort of cut him off and hung up on him. He called back asking if I was mad at him and I briefly told him that I wasn't and that I was having issues with other things. He probed further, but again, there is no use talking to a drunk person about something important when you are in fact sober, so I told him that there really was no point in talking about it and that I'd talk to him later. He then asked "are you on the rag?" I told him no, then hung up. I swear if he was in my presence I would have punched him in the face.

Today I was attempting to procrastinate so I called him later in the evening. I knew he was driving from the noise in the background and I thought, hm, I thought you were going to study, but it sounds like you're going to get drunk again.. so again so much for that. I really shouldn't have asked what he was up to since it just pissed me off further. "Yeah we just went to Hooters, it was disappointing, now we're going to some bar. blah blah blah." Again, annoyed and not wanting to really talk about what was annoying me I told him I had to go back to work. He wouldn't let me get off the phone and kept asking me inane questions - probably sensing my annoyance and trying to combat it - and ended up apologizing for his "on the rag" comment. If nothing else, my bf is good at knowing what pisses me off and apologizing for it if he can. But there are other things that would probably make him feel bad for admitting so he doesnt mention them. Like the fact that he scrapped the whole studying plan. He probably knows that I am judging him on this but doesnt want to say anything about it b/c hey, what's the point. It would only make him feel bad for not being able to stick to his plan.

After I got off the phone with him I started thinking w/ a new perspective. In my hopes of building a future together, I kind of ignored/downplayed our potential incompatabilites. My bf's a smart guy; not intelligent but smart. - My mom used to hammer in the difference between smart and intelligent in our discussions when I was younger. To her, smart means that you are able to make decisions quickly based on few facts and little understanding of underlying principles. Basically, you're good at synthesizing data on a superficial level. Intelligence, to her, meant that you were pretty much book smart. An intelligent person can read, understand, and then synthesize data based on this understanding. So there are certain domains that an intelligent person would excel in that a smart person couldn't and vice versa. You can be both smart and intelligent, or one or the other, or neither :) My mom feels that she is smart and that I am intelligent. A superficial example is the fact that I couldn't find my way out of a paper bag b/c I'd probably overthink it and get lost, but my mom would get out in record timing. I think the underlying principle is that smart people rely on instincts that are particularly attuned to their environment and their work, whereas intelligent people rely more on their knowledge base and intellect. I always liked my mom's definition of the two, so regardless of whether its valid I still stick to it when describing a person.

But I digress. So my bf's smart, and sometimes impresses me with his wealth of knowledge on topics he spends no time thinking about in a given day. But smart doesn't always get you where you need to go, just the same as intelligence can actually hinder a person. So in my head, even if you think you're smart enough to do well on a test, maybe you should sit your ass down and study just to make SURE you are not making assumptions about your intelligence level. But more importantly, my bf seems almost allergic to intellectual persuits. He left UCSD, an arguably good school, to go to Cal Poly, an O.K. school, why? B/c he didn't like the social life at UCSD and he didn't like that the curriculum focused on pontificating to no end. He found the exercise of thinking endlessly about something to be useless. Cal Poly offered a different curriculum. Apparently a major part of Cal Poly's focus is to teach its students how to be the best at their trade. And that's what he enjoyed.

That's fine, but I guess I've always felt that the move from UCSD to Cal Poly is a defining part of who he is. He is O.K. with not being the best if it means enjoying the moment for what it is. That's ok I guess. The problem with this view though is that if you're constantly choosing to enjoy the moment rather than exercising some degree of delayed gratification, when do you ever get to where you want to go?

I admit that I'm almost TOO good at delaying gratification, and living from moment-to-moment can be a good thing. But at some point, I feel the latter way of life impairs your upward movement - socially, intellectually, financially, career-wise. More than that, I'm also really coming to terms with the fact that I won't be the same me in 4 years. Med school is a process that breaks you down so it can build you back up. My undergrad experience was the same way and I became a better person for it. But, it makes all the more sense to me now why couples rarely make it through the ordeal. People can change dramatically in the way they think and behave in just 4 years. Yeah, they may be the same people at their core, but the process lends itself to a lot of transformation. Therein lays the problem - instead of growing closer to a partner, you can actually grow farther and farther apart. So instead of becoming 100% for each other you may get down to 75% or 50%.

As I talked to my bf tonight I thought to myself, OMG! can I imagine talking to him after having a full shift in the PICU about how he just got back from Hooters? Ahh heelllz no. And I think that's why I was pushing so hard for him to go to grad school, b/c I know, if he doesn't take the time to emerse himself in deep intellectual pursuits, we are going to be in different universes when I get out of school.

I've decided that I'm no longer going to push him to do anything. I can't force what will or won't happen. If he chooses not to go to grad school that has to do with who he fundamentally is and I've heard enough stories about how trying to "change a man" just does not work. Except for the longest time I didn't think I was changing him. I thought he wanted the same things I wanted. But maybe we don't really want the same things...

Before I got off the phone with him he asked me if I was doing anything tonight. "No, I'm studying." "Isn't there anything going on?" "There is always something going on. I just choose not to participate b/c I need to study. And for that matter, I've lived in this area long enough to know that, ain't nothing special going to happen if I do go out. And I'm in med school and I need to devote time to this." He then went on to say how he and his best friend were just talking about that fact - that I was in med school, and not only med school but a prestigous one, and how it must be insane blah blah blah.

Part of me still wonders if I am judging him prematurely. In a conversation I had with him a while back I learned that he feels strange about turning 30 (he's currently 27) and that he wants to get all of his "saturday nights hangin at the bar" days out now since when he turns 30 he feels that he'll be too old to go out anymore... Plus I'm just so used to people who are constantly achieving amazing things even at a young age that I wonder if my vision of what's acceptable at what age is a bit skewed. But do these doubts even matter? I mean its not like he's going to wake up on his 30th b-day and think, wow I'm 30 now, time to get more serious than I've ever been!

Sigh, I don't know anymore. Having the conversation with my mom was definetly eye opening. I used to think that focusing on the future was for the best. For me, seeing the forest was way more awe inspiring than seeing the trees. But now I'm starting to understand that if all you are looking at is forest, how can you trully understand the individual parts that it is comprised of? I will try to live more for the moment and try to realize that I can't just hope that things will get better. I have to make things feel worth doing everyday.. well at least frequently enough that I don't want to impale myself on something sharp :-/ And with all of this gained perspective, I also know that I can't force people to do things that they don't want to do b/c their lack of desire to do them may reflect who they are rather than just the nature of the thing. If that makes any sense...

Rambling terminated :)

The Womb

2007-01-20T14:45:00.000-08:00

On more and more days, the thought of my leaving my room seems so damn unappealing. I dont even enjoy venturing out to the rest of the apartment. I just like my room. This may sound awfully weird for someone who loves her friends and loves to be entertained by them, but I just had a thought.

I once read somewhere that the theory of introvert vs. extrovert is that introverts had a rough childhood and thus, learned how to keep to themselves and handle their own problems. I've always known that I am an introvert, but this room business is making me believe the aformentioned theory more and more.

Maybe, introverts had it so rough that we try to recreate the one time when things were great - being in the womb. My room is nice and warm b/c I have my space heater blasting. My bed is nice and big and comfy. And my bed pretty much doubles as my desk so I can reach everything I need.

Ok, I know I'm sounding like a 35 year old obese woman who can't leave her house but really. Med school is getting tougher and tougher, and its getting harder to handle the little bumps in life with all the stress that is already accumulated. So I think now I just long for the days where all I had to do was float around and sleep. Everything else was taken care of....

Sigh

The Wrong Reasons to Dump a Person

2007-01-14T18:56:00.000-08:00

There are a few quotes that come to mind when I read the title:

"If you have someone with a good soul and they care about you, you should hold onto them like the grip of death. You know what happens to women who dump good men? They end up with endless subscriptions to Match.com and Eharmony gripping happy pills."

"If you look back on the time when you first met, first started to get to know each other, and still smile, there is a reason to continue loving."

I'm bad at remembering details, so those quotes weren't verbatim, but they convey a basic point. Summed up well in a Pussy Cat Dolls song, "No body's gonna love me better, I'mastickwitchu forever."

LOL. Ok I'll stop w/ the bad song lyrics, random quotes, and strange title and get to the point.

I recently caught up with a friend I hadn't talked to in quite a while. As is what happens with girlfriends, we got on the topic of relationships. She told me about her current situation, I told her about mine. One thing about my situation made her concerned. I expressed to her my concern about my bf's path to his destination. He wants to run his own business, he wants to give back to his country and all that jazz, but he never seems to have a solid plan as to how he's going to accomplish these things. Or better, he has a plan, but he doesn't think it all the way through which causes him to scrap plans time and time again. For example, giving back to his country. My bf for a while wanted to join the Marines. Well that was a fun 6 months of arguing back and forth about the value of doing such a thing, especially at a time of WAR; and not just any war, a badly run war. Finally his dad talked him out of it using practicality - If you want to be around to do the things you want to do in life, joining the Marines may not be your best option. My bf never wanted a career out of the military, just some experience doing something "difficult." But for some reason it took him 6 months to realize the extremity of joining the Marines. But he still wants to give back so he's joining the Army National Guard. The one reason why I don't argue with him over this is that he is going through the officer program, which takes 2 years, and he's going into the engineering sector. So as one of his friends told him, he'll probably help build a fence in on the US-Mexico border. I don't know where the war is going, but hopefully in 2 years they won't be misusing the National Guard as much as they are now.

So he's got that goal planned out finally, leaving the whole running his own business goal to be accomplished. The problem with the business goal is that here too, he does not have a solid plan, just a destination. One week he wants to go to business school, the next week its law school, the next its, "Screw grad school! I can do it on my own." For whatever reason, his indecision makes me nervous. Especially since I love having plans. Sure I scrap them every now and again, but having a solid plan on how I'm going to get somewhere puts me at ease.

My friend picked up on this and gave me the following advice: "Do you want an old beat up Victorian that you can remodel or do you want a new modern home? The right package is out there, you don't have to work on a guy and hope it'll all work out in the end. You especially don't want to spend all of your 20's on one guy and regret it. You're at a school with a lot of options, you should date around."

I appreciated my friend's advice. She is older than me and has more experience in the dating world.. so for a day or two I thought about her advice. And I've ultimately decided that, for me at least, it doesn't make much sense.

We all have our faults. I may be going to med school but I'm not the "warmest" person of them all. I can be condescending and/or negative. I don't know a lot of things about life and in many respects I'm still really naive. I can be really judgemental or narrow minded. I can't cook, and I get sick a lot. There are probably a lot of things about me that someone would have to see as a trade-off. E.g. I wanted a stay at home mom who cooks brilliantly but instead I got a workaholic doctor who can't boil water.

The point being that, my bf isn't perfect and neither am I. And for the most part, I don't believe there are perfect packages out there that contain EVERYTHING you want. Maybe I could find a guy with such a great plan he started running his own business at 25 instead of 35. But maybe that guy wouldn't love me as much or wouldn't put up with my dog, or wouldn't be genuine or generous, or wouldn't have a backbone, or wouldn't want to make me happy.. The list goes on. To me, it seems that to gain some things, you may have to lose something else.

So I've concluded that, instead of doubting my bf so much, I should just be supportive for the most part and point out weaknesses in a plan, not to get him to scrap them, but to get him to think hard about how he wants to achieve a goal. And if we ultimately end up together great, and if not, there is something to be said about just living for the moment and enjoying what you have today.

And back to the title of the post, I can't dump someone because they are not my perfect vision. My bf's got 90% of what I want and to dump him now in hopes of finding 95%, or 100% just seems retarded since most men probably are at 25% i.e. "well, he's male." I've heard too many stories of women dumping or being dumped by guys only to spend most of their time looking for that same type of guy again. No thanks. People break up all the time for one reason or another, but I'd rather it be an extremely legitimate one - e.g. he doesn't want to marry me - rather than a minor one.

Also, if we grow old together, maybe we'll both reach the 100% level for each other.

Ugly people need accessories and London is slightly Overrated

2007-01-03T03:56:00.000-08:00

As I sat in the Bluewater Mall in the U.K, apparently the biggest mall in the country, I looked in awe at all of the teenagers and pre-teens who were dressed so impecably! I turned and asked my mom, "WOW! These people dress so well! Better than NYC! Why?" My mom replied, "Because they're ugly. Ugly people always have to try harder. We don't need to try this hard in the U.S."

Aha. Whatever the case may be, its hard to deny that pre-teens in London are way more fashionable than a grown, Jimy Choo shoe wearing, middle-aged woman in New York City, and leagues ahead of anyone in California. As I browsed through the H&M in NYC, the difference between London and the states became even more apparent. Since I had only been back in the states for a few days, I still had an eye for London fashion. With such an eye, the clothes, at what I used to think was one of the more fashionable stores in the city, looked drab and plain. There is no doubt that the U.K. H&M has clothes that were way more stylized, fit much better, and made you feel like a rockstar when you put them on. In the NYC store, I mostly saw women trying on sweaters and sweatshirts. Not much style in that.. but such is life.

The U.K. fashion sense is one of very few things that I enjoyed about London, making it "slightly" overrated, rather than wholely overated. Truthfully I kept forgeting that I was even in another country when I was in London. I kept thinking I was in NYC, even with traffic going in the wrong (haha) direction.

But here is why I love the United States of America, above and beyond the U.K., there is a sense in the states that you can be whatever you want to be, whereas in the U.K. there is a stifling atmosphere around a person. Everyone seems so conformist in the U.K., despite their fashonista ways. I can't truly pinpoint the feeling but everything just seemed so blah. Men hardly glared at the one or two beautiful women in the entire city. I mean if everyone is so blah, I would think that the men would oggle the ones that were above and beyond.. but no. Men kept to themselves, and so did the women; making me wonder how they ever got together in the first place. Also, the druggies apparently only come out at night. In NYC it is common to see some cracked out individual claiming to talking to the President of the United States, or the King Rat of the NY sewers. But in all my time in London, I don't think I saw one outspoken crazy person.

One might ask oneself, why in the hell are outspoken crack heads a good thing? Well they're not, but I realize how distinctly American it is to truly feel that you can express yourself. Some of the crazy people talking on the streets of American cities aren't clinically crazy, or high on drugs. They just have something to say and they say it. When I first moved to California, I realized the lack of cat calling from the men, made sense for the suburbs, but there was not much of it in the cities as well. Again, why am I measuring anything good by cat calling? Well I think cat calling is a good pulse on the "realness" or expressiveness of a culture. Walk outside in a trashbag in NYC and someone will comment. You might get a whistle, or a, "girl its too cold to be wearing a trashbag." Whatever the hell it is, you'll get SOMETHING. People in NY are all too happy to just EXPRESS themselves. And for California.. its nice, but its rare to meet a "real" person who expresses their "real" ideas.

The other thing I hated about London was that I realized it was way more racist than America. In the U.S. not every racist wears it on their forehead, but if I see a person with a white sheet over his head and a hand gun, I at least know to stay away. But in London, there is just this subtle air of racism. People will hate you because you are not European but they won't say it, or act it, but you can tell. That's almost the worst kind of racism there is. Having a face of racism is much better. You can fight a face, you can fight something that people admit. But in the U.K. ha! If no one admits it, how are you to know who, or what to fight?

All in all I had a great time in the U.K.; ot because the U.K. is great but because I got to see family that I had never seen before and had only talked to over the phone. I was even there when my uncle's wife gave birth to their first child, a beautiful baby girl. Babies are soooo cuuuute! :)

But yeah, I'll go back to London to see family, and maybe for the shopping. It didn't feel so great everytime I spent my dollars, knowing that I was paying twice the price for something. Though, that does make me more sensible about my shopping. How much do I REALLY need this?

If I learned nothing else, I surely learned how much I appreciate being a citizen of the United States. Every country has their problems, but I'd much rather work through the problems here, than the ones over there.

3-year FREE TRIAL OFFER!

2006-12-16T19:01:00.000-08:00

I was just thinking... a lot about society has changed in the last 50 years. In terms of relationships, there is the age old saying, "Why buy the cow if you can get the milk for free?" Sayings like this seriously made me wonder about what would motivate a man to want to marry a woman if they were already being intimate in their relationship. But it dawned on me recently that you know, for better or worse, social norms continue to evolve. Whereas decades ago many people were restrained by social norms and religious views on the issue of sex before marriage, these days more and more people are saying "You wouldn't buy a car without kicking the tires would you?" Increasingly, it seems like more and more people are realizing that hey, marriage is hard. You don't want to make it harder by being sexually incompatible or even incompatible roommates. So it is in one's best interest to give the relationship a test drive before sealing the deal.

So I thought of another metaphor for relationships before marriage. You know how you get those magazine offers - 30 Day free trial! Well relationships are kind of like that these days. Except the free trial period is more like 3 years.. well for me anyway. There is a 3 year free trial offer. After that if you're satisfied with the product you can choose to buy it - marriage. If you're not satisfied, while you won't get your money back for all the dates and gifts, you won't be made to pay for anything else if you decide not to marry. So maybe it isnt a completely *free* trial. Maybe I should say, 3-year discounted rate. lol. Maybe I should just stop with the metaphors :)

I REALLY need to stop procrastinating

2006-12-09T03:53:00.000-08:00

But I cant... I don't agree with all of her points, but I agree a lot with her points at the end about 30 year olds thinking, "but I'm so young!" I especially like the part where she mentioned the "crinkled" eyes. LOL! I was raised by a full blown feminist and while I embrace most of my mother's ideas and ideals, I do understand one thing - human nature is human nature, and you can only fight it for so long. I think my mother realizes this too. When I was young she would say, "don't get married its a waste of time." Now that I'm getting older she knows its inevitable, maybe even necessary for me, and gives me advice on what to look for in a husband. Its no offense to those who are 30+ who still don't have the family and the house and feel that they don't need it by that age, but what I take away from the article, and what I believe most is that the "feminist movement" gave women the right to CHOOSE what they want out of life. To accomplish this, the pendulum had to swing far to the left. But with this new found freedom, its time to be more balanced. Have your career, have your family, don't settle for less in the meantime, but also, don't deny yourself your natural inclinations. No matter what us youngins think now, there will be a time when your ovaries creep into dreams and turn them into nightmares! BABIES! BABIES! BABIES!

:-P

This is a looong article:

http://www.cnn.com/books/beginnings/9902/why.happiness/

Brits & Marriage

2006-12-09T03:00:00.000-08:00

Its funny how easy it is to find a million and one ways to procrastinate when you REALLY don't want to do something liiike.. study a really boring subject. I found this quote from a British guy and it really stood out to me:

"the last thing on a man's mind is to get married, until he meets a woman who makes it foremost in his mind" Marriage mostly isn't a big deal to men and normally assigned to the "would like to do one day" list of things in our lives. It's when we meet the right woman that looks after us, cares for us, makes our lives and makes life before her seem somehow less, that we think about spending more than the immediate future with her and start to think long term. So many women think they do such a great job with their man, but don't thats why they have to pressure their man into marrying them. I would tell any woman if she has to pressure her man that its a mistake to marry him, but if shes willing to apply pressure chances are she wouldn't listen anyway. If you are the right woman a man will get there on his own and there will be no doubt as he will hint at it long before the proposal comes.

Why Nice Guys Finish Last

2006-12-03T20:28:00.000-08:00

While I love my boyfriend, I am starting to realize a lot of things about relationships that I never understood before since I was never in one long enough to call it "real." While it took a hell of a lot of patience and manuevering (i.e. manipulation.. sorta) to get my boyfriend into a relationship, now that we've been together for a combined 8 months, he's practically putty in my hands. Yesterday he so succinctly verbalized it, "If thats what my girl wants, thats what my girl gets." It was cute, but I later thought, hm.. I'm bored. I started realizing that this comfortable/bored feeling may be the cause of people cheating. No, no, I don't want to cheat on him. The thought of having someone else touch me isn't appealing, but I can see a possible reason for why others cheat. Also, it reminded me of this article about passion in relationships. Since I was always starting and ending relationships pretty quickly, or just casually dating, the only side to relationships I knew was passion. The article was mostly speaking to women, but I think it applies to both sexes. As soon as someone in the relationship lets the other person know that they can have them in any way they please, the passion dies. Sad times, now I'm one of those idiots wishing the spark could last forever, even though I know such things don't have that kind of shelf life. But it does speak to the old saying, "Nice guys (girls)finish last." I don't know why early love is built on the tension of not knowing how someone feels, but it IS. And once you know how that person feels, for a while its great. But then after a while for people like me who are always looking for a challenge, a new challenge must be found - either by breaking up or getting a new hobby outside of the relationship thats challenging.. I think med school fits the bill :-/

I started to internally freak out after I realized that this relationship has become comfortable. "Does that mean this is the end?" "Is he not the right guy?" Then I remembered a passage I read in "The Female Brain." I skimmed through my bookcase, found the book, and reread the chapter. It almost verbatim quoted my current thoughst - words that I had read before but never understood their meaning or what they felt like. The chapter explains that a young woman had gone to the psychiatrist (who wrote the book) after a year into her relationship with a guy named "Rob." When they first met the woman couldn't stand to be apart from him. She cherished every minute they spent together, hearing his voice, being next to him, everything for the first five months. But then after a year, she didn't feel that spark anymore. She liked seeing Rob, but her heart didn't flutter the way it used to. (Hm, ok, sounds like my situation) She too was probably getting comfortable and a bit bored. Thats when she went to the psychiatrist looking for answers. Why didn't her relationship feel the same way it did during those first 5 months? Well apparently what happens is, in the initial "falling in love" phase, there are huge surges of dopamine when you interact w/ the person you are attracted to. Dopamine works on your "reward" centers and you're on cloud 9. After some time, which varies from person to person, dopamine levels start to fall off, and women get an increase in oxcytocin, and men receive increases in vasopressin. Respectively, these chemicals are in charge of pair bonding for each sex. So the couple moves from the fast and furious stage to the long-term commitment phase. The psychiatrist explains that this is evolutionarily to the advantage of the couple, since it would be hard to raise kids if you were obsessed with each other. So the bonding stage is supposed to prepare you to stay committed to each other, but at the same time attend to other things in your life, such as raising kids. Ok, this makes sense. The story went on, and Rob had forgotten to call his girlfriend one day and she FLIPPED OUT. Ok, I don't know why once would make a person flip out. (Actually I start to get nervous if I don't hear back from my bf by a certain time when I feel he should call.. ok I guess I'm not above this behavior either.) The girlfriend ended up explaining how freaked out she got to Rob and shortly after they realized how much them meant to each other and got engaged. Um ok, the story could be made up, but the point is that its what happens to a lot of couples. You go from fast and furious to cruise control.

I'm not used to cruise control though, but since I am mature on some levels, I understand that it doesn't mean the love is gone. Another thing that makes way more sense to me now is what I've heard older adults say time and time again, "Love is not enough." The feeling of being in love with someone isn't going to sustain a relationship, b/c eventually those feelings aren't present 24/7 and they kind of fade to the background. If there aren't other things that draw you to a person such as mutual respect, mutual admiration, mutual appreciation, well then, you're probably just going to break up. I understand this now.

I started thinking more about why I feel so "bored." And I realized that A - the dopamine surges have dampened the "spark" and that's natural, and B - I'm so stressed with med school right now, my libido is practically gone. Its the equivalent of a man not being able to get it up.. really, its sad. I read in the same book that cortisol blocks oxytocin receptors in women so stress reduces libido.

So in conclusion, the relationship has hit cruise control, which is all too new for me. Being stressed + lack of dopamine = an unexcite-able and boring chick. None of these things are my boyfriend's fault. Plus, I'm reminded of all the stuff he's done that he didn't have to do but did because he is who he is. It's almost instinct for him to be a good person. Not to mention the fact that he freely offered to watch my dog (a dog he H-A-T-E-S) for the 3 weeks I'll be on vacation without me having to bring it up or ask. Maybe these are things that boyfriends are just supposed to do anyway but seeing how lazy I am in the realtionship, I appreciate it anyway. So I just need to get through finals and finally get my mojo back :-/

Heard on NPR

2006-11-30T01:42:00.000-08:00

Next Caller is Bob from San Antonio, Texas. Bob, you're on.

Bob: "Hi. I understand what you're trying to say about the teachings of Muhammed. But the fact of the matter is that people practicing Muhammedism don't practice a very inclusive religion. Theory is nice, but practice is more important."

Too classic! YEEHAW!

Stop me if I'm being crazy.. no really

2006-11-29T22:36:00.000-08:00

Bitch for no reason

Most of the time I sit in the back of class. Not only does it reduce the amount of interaction I have to have with people, but if a lecture is truly atrocious, I can up and leave without feeling too bad. I thought sitting in the back also had the added benefit of not drawing too much attention to myself (I realize that this is not the case after a 2nd year approached me and said, "So Bang, word on the street is that your low-rise jeans have been making it a little difficult to concentrate." I explained to him that A. I sit in the back of most classes, so who in the hell is looking at my ass from there? and B. Sadly they're not low-rise jeans. A lot of my jeans are too big for me after random weight loss.) But I digress. So in a particular class I like sitting in the back two seats b/c people usually don't come back there AND there is usually a cart in front of the 2nd seat, which obscures most people's view. That hasn't stopped people from sitting back there next to me in the past. So this time around, since the cart, my defense mechanism, was missing, I put my bag in the second seat AND put a book on the desk to make it appear that someone else was sitting there. Ok, some may think wow, "you're an antisocial bitch." And I'd respond, "yeah i know. I dont know why though." This fake student thing worked for a couple of days until the class was packed b/c there was a review session. One student walked in and looked at the seat for a second as if to signal me to move my stuff. But I didn't. So instead she had to sit in a free wheeling seat and write on her lap. I didn't care at first. But halfway through the class I felt bad. Why was I being so obnoxious? Why didn't I just move my stuff? Its not like she was going to give me ebola. But by that time it was too late to move my stuff and ask if the girl wanted to sit, b/c then I'd be acknowledging my immaturity. So at the end of class I slyly grabbed my stuff and booked it. Not that she didn't notice that it was my stuff that kept her from sitting comfortably all along. But I really wanted to avoid any awkward staring contests.

Stop spending money on me

So in another blog post I'll go more into this, but for now suffice it to say that my bf doesn't have much in the way of funds these days. He quit his job to build a house. He then planned to sell it and make a profit that would allow him to pay himself a salary more than he was making at his last job, with the added bonus of being able to work for himself. Great plan I guess.. until he realized he needed to put in a lot more ground work to get this house building thing started. Moreover, in the middle of this he has decided that he might want to go to grad school, but since he's not sure which one, he's going to take 3 tests and apply to 3 different types of programs. Um ok, whatever, his choice. The point is, he's not going to see a profit on his venture for a while and in the meantime has to live off his savings. This is fine, except, since I know he's not making big bucks, I've tried to chip in for stuff here and there. If we go out to eat, I try to pay. If we go out to get a drink, I try to pay. Pretty much, any activity that costs money, I've tried to pay my half so that he wouldn't shoulder more burden than he needs. But the thing is, he won't let me pay! Ok, I know, I know, some might wonder, "and you're complaining?" Yes, I know that in the past I've argued as to why men should pay for a lot of stuff. But at the same time I just feel bad. Like I almost feel like a freeloader. And most importantly, I don't want him to resent me for paying for all this stuff when he's not the most financially stable. I mean if he had a regular job and was making good money, I wouldn't mind. But this is just making me feel (kinda) bad. The only way I've come up with to not feel so bad is to get him a really good gift. Problem is I don't know what he wants besides a new car (that he doesn't need) and some kind of graduate degree. I can give neither of these things to him. But lord knows I suck at gift giving. (Track record: Valentine's Day - I gave him a microwaved breakfast, he gave me an ipod. His birthday - I gave him a t-shirt, which I almost kept. My birthday - he gave me a stereo - ok the birthday's aren't really fair b/c we were broken up during his).

But yeah, maybe a rock will hit my head tomorrow (actually I really hope not) and I'll wake up from my insanity. Forecast looks cloudy...

Pulling at straws here!

2006-11-26T23:05:00.000-08:00

You know, its weird. For a good 3+ years a particular interest of mine was relationships. Mostly romantic relationships - the psychology of it all, but in general interpersonal relationships of different sorts. And for the time that my blog has been up here, that's what I've mostly talked about - meeting people, casual dating and its turmoil and the fun parts.

But now that I'm in a stable relationship, I've got nothin. I mean I could post about the random times I go to bars and the funny stories. Like the time I went to bar review and this one student said, "Meeting a girl that's in medical school is like finding out about an IPO. You don't want to make too much noise, because then everyone else will be all over it, but it gets you really excited. You put on the moves, make that investment, and in ten years, BAM! You've hit the jackpot." I thought his comments were funny in and of itself but then I learned what an IPO was and then it was REALLY funny.

But even that stuff I don't have the motivation to publish. And since all I'm doing is studying all the time or doing something else pretty boring, I'm left with.. well, not much. I could keep talking about my relationship ad naseum but I can't stand girls who do that. I could talk about what I learn in med school, but then you guys would just fall asleep at the keyboard.

So in the end, I haven't figured out what I'll write about anymore. But you've been warned, it may not be as interesting as the stuff from a while back. And if you never liked the stuff from a while back, glad to know I'll be disappointing you in the future as well :)

If he doesn't buy you jewelry, he'll never marry you

2006-11-25T15:55:00.000-08:00

I was recently reminded about something I read in a "questionable" source. A while back I was doing what I usually do when I'm so completely bored my mind actually goes blank - I went to Borders and flipped through random books. On this particular day I had stumbled upon "The Rules" by that Feinstein lady. I had heard so much about it I thought I should at least skim through it. One of the "Rules" that I found particularly interesting was the author's theory that if a man doesn't buy you jewelry on a particularly significant occasion, he will never ask you to marry him. Hm.. I thought.. interesting I will read on. I don't remember the exact details. I just remember the author describing an "anecdote" where one of her "close girlfriends" was dating a "nice young man" who bought her a track suit for some occasion. The girlfriend was happy with the gift and thought it was very thoughtful of her boyfriend since she had needed one for a while. The author and others told the girlfriend that the guy would never marry her since he didn't choose to buy her jewelry. The girlfriend thought that was complete nonsense until she got dumped.. or something.

I'm not quite sure where this theory comes from. But I figured it might be a good gauge of where things are in a relationship. The reason I was reminded of this strange "Rule" was because of the gift my bf gave me for my birthday. First he tried to have flowers delivered to my apartment the day of, but the flowers I had once told him were my favorite - purple tulips.. actually I don't know if those are really a favorite, I just like flowers that are colors other than red, pink, or yellow - were out of season so that plan didnt work. He called and apologized about not getting me the flowers. I was surprised he even tried and thanked him for the effort and told him he didn't have to get me anything anyway since I didn't think turning 23 was a big deal anyway.

So when I went to his family's house for thanksgiving I sat as his computer checking email, turned around and saw some sort of stereo looking thing. I asked him what it was and he said "Oh its your birthday present, happy birthday." Wow, that was really nice of him. A while ago I told him how I was looking for a new stereo since the one I had was old and too big and clunky. He advised me to just get one that I could dock my ipod on and I told him about how I looked around but most of the ones I liked were expensive.

Given that we had that conversation in passing, it was a very thoughtful gift. But later I remembered the "Rule" and thought, hmm maybe this is a red flag? But how could it be? I don't really know. But if we break up, looking back at a time in my life where I dated someone I loved and got good gifts to boot doesn't sound so bad to me, rule or no rule. Moreover, who buys someone a track suit anyway?? I mean back in the day when there wasn't much to give a person besides chocolate, jewelry, or apparently track suits, I could see how that rule may work.. but then again, maybe I'm missing the point. All my friends who are married or currently engaged did get some kind of jewelry besides the ring as a gift for some occassion. Then again I know girls who have gotten jewelry AND dumped..later on of course. Go fig.

Are you guys serious???

2006-11-21T21:25:00.000-08:00

Oh, no, sorry, I wasn't asking you.

As the holidays or as I call them "Guilt Free No Study Days" approach, people want to know what you'll be doing and where you plan to be. Well seeing that people know that I'm from NY and I'm yet to get my ass on the plane a few friends and acquaintances have asked, "What are you hanging around here for?" Then I respond, "Oh I'm going to Sac-town for Thanksgiving." Then comes the puzzled face, "What's in Sacramento?" My response - "The boyfriend's family" Then the - "Oooh, you guys are that serious?" I usually want to laugh at this point, but instead I wonder how quickly I can sum up the fact that going to his parents' house doesn't make the relationship "serious." Whatever that means anyway. I went to his parents' house last year as his roommate - no we weren't dating then - and so I'm going this year again.. "As what?" I don't know.. maybe the gf.. no I haven't asked him if he's told them. I assume he has seeing that he drops his dog off there all the time to head down here.. but who knows. I'll just pretend I'm the ex-roommate, and hope for the best. "Why pretend?" I'm asked. Weeell.. it all goes back to the first time I met his family and his brother made the comment "Yeah, our dad hates the girls we bring home. We don't say anything. But then he eventually figures out we're dating them and then hates them." My old roommate, drunk, blurted out, "Well your dad looves us!" And I (more soberly) pointed out, "well yeah, probably because we're most definetly roommates, and not girlfriends."

Um yeah. His dad loved me and the old roommate.. as "roommates" and so now I fear looking across the table and having the bf's dad stare at me as he's cutting turkey, size me up, and wonder how he can destroy me. I'm not too intimidated by most people, but his dad is a pretty intimidating figure. The kind that doesn't have to say a word before making you feel somewhat inadequate.

And what does "serious" mean anyway? Like marriage track? That's a negative. At 22, whoops excuse me, TWENTY-THREE, I'm still in La-La land when it comes to thinking seriously. As for the bf.. for all I know he's still on his "get married at 40" track.. again I don't ask. Although having him around makes day dreaming about my wedding day a lot easier. It's not something I spend much time thinking about, but for some reason I've been thinking about it more lately. Maybe I've been around a lot more friends who are married or on their way to becoming hitched. So now, instead of having a myopic view of just myself in my BEAUTIFUL VW dress, I can zoom out and mix and match shirt, tie, and tux colors for the groom. Or should [insert name here] not wear a tie? Thats the extent to my thoughts on marriage. So clearly, its not serious.

I've had this conversation at least 5 times, 2 of which were in large groups, which made the convo even more awkward.. I guess I could have just taken the easy way out - "Oh are you guys serious?" Me - "Yes." The end. The added bonus would be if/when we broke up people would feel especially bad for me, and maybe even bake me cookies... maybe.

A dork amongst dorks

2006-11-17T22:08:00.000-08:00

Stacey stumbled in disheveld and confused. Had she just walked into a bar? Why were there so many people here on a Thursday night? Apparently this is the night to study and drink coffee and eat donuts. As she looked around, Stacey did not spot Javier. She assumed he was taking his sweet time as always. She did spot the lone open table and headed towards it. It was a small circular table but maybe it would be big enough for her and Javier. As she got closer she realized that there was a strange kid sitting in the table immediatly adjacent to the empty one. Maybe she didn't want to sit near the strange kid. Also, the table seemed a lot smaller when she was closer to it. Hm.. would she and Javier be able to share this table seeing that they both had jimungous laptops? As she pondered the possibilities two highschoolers swept in and sat at the table. Damn kids! Stacey thought.. I'm getting old. Stacey tried to play it off as if two younger kids hadn't stolen the only table left at the donut shop. She walked over to the counter to purchase a small coffee. As she waited for the cashier to shuffle over to the register she looked around to see if she had missed another table. OH! There was Javier, as apparent as day. She wonderd how she could have missed him he first time - a 6'5 guy who was P-rican and loud. He was talking to an older med student and looked settled in. He had gotten there much earlier than she did. I guess I'm the one who took my sweet time she thought.

Stacey filled her small coffee cup with her favorite, Hazelnut Blend. Javier had spotted her and joined her at the register. "Oh my goood can you believe all these high school kids?' Javier whispered (or tried to whisper.. Javier was never good at being quiet). "I know!" Stacey whispered, or exclaimed, she wasn't good at being quiet either. Maybe this is why she and Javier were friends. "They should really be home studying with their parents" Javier continued. "Yeah man what the hell is this? They look so hardcore. Well I guess thats how they get into Stanford. Although I got in and I wasn't this hardcore." Javier gave Stacey a "yeah right" look. Stacey tried to remember if she was ever that hardcore. She did study somewhat in high school but never in groups, and never on any surface other than her bed. Clearly she was not hardcore. Javier interrupted her thought process, "I'm going to go ask that girl if she can move over so we can sit together." "Ok!" Stacey replied as she finished adding a quarter cup of half-&-half to her coffee and 4 packets of Equal. "This can't be healthy" she whispered to herself.

Stacey walked over to the table. The girl had agreed to move. Javier introduced Stacey to the med student he was talking to earlier. "This is John," Javier announced, "he's a third year MSTP student. And this is his girlfriend [blank], she is a pre-med student at San Jose State." Stacey cringed when she heard "pre-med" student. Maybe that's why she didn't catch the girl's name. She wanted to yell "Don't do it! Save your life and time, go into something else!" But after further inspection of John's girlfriend, Stacey decided that the girlfriend looked enough like a pre-med student that she might actually enjoy the sacrifice. Instead, Stacey smiled and blurted out "fuuuun!" and sat down. Stacey was impressed that John and his girlfriend, two Native Americans interested in medicine, had found each other and fallen in love. Cute, heart warming, maybe they should cast Brad Pitt in their future made for TV movie. He was in last of the Moheekans right?

Stacey emptied the contents of her bag. Tonight she was studying dev bio, "fuuuun" she thought. She reached for her computer bag. "Uuh, did you bring the mouse I bought you?" Javier asked with a concerned facial expression. "No," Stacey replied. "Well then you're not allowed to use your loud ass computer. I got you the mouse for a reason." Stacey smiled as she recalled Javier and Dan making fun of her computer's keyboard mouse.

Dan: "Wait, who am I? Who am I? CLICK! CLICK! CLICK!"
Javier: "Oh hi Stacey!"
Dan: "Yeah!"

"Fine. I didn't need my laptop anyway. I just brought it in case."

As Stacey began to read, she realized something, she could actually focus! Usually Stacey stayed away from shops - coffee shops, donut shops, soy latte shops. She needed absolute quiet to study.. usually. But tonight she was able to filter out all of the noise. She figured she must be on her way to becoming a good doctor - filter out all that is not important - including the patient's bitching and whining.

After 20 minutes of reading Stacey sighed and looked up. In the corner to her left were four high school students arguing over a calculus problem set. Ick. To the right of them were 3 other students working on what seemed to be the same problem set since there was considerable amounts of talk going back and forth. Stacey noticed the asian girl at the table. She stuck out like a sore thumb for two reasons - 1 she was really pretty, too pretty to be studying calculus with this dorks, Stacey thought. And 2 - she was drinking chocolate milk - I thought Asians were as lactose intolerant as Nigerians. Maybe not. Stacey went back to reading.

"UNLIKE IN MALES, IN FEMALES FUNCTIONAL OVA ARE NECESSARY TO MAINTAIN THE DEVELOPMENT OF THE GONADS"

Fascinating, Stacey thought. She looked up again, now one of the math dorks was reading his text book,
listening to an ipod that must have been playing classical music since he was playing the air piano. OMG it doesnt get any dorkier than that! "Was I really that much of a dork in high school???" Well it really didn't matter now Stacey concluded. All the possible witnesses of her dorkiness were on another coast. Furthermore, even if she was a dork, she was amongst hundreds of them now at med school and she definetly wasn't the dorkiest.

She looked up with a smile and in the process caught John's gaze. His head movement stuttered as he looked down at the papers he was grading, then back up at Stacey, then back down. Stacey remembered why she didn't smile so much, especially at men. A female smile, to the wrong target, sends the wrong message. Stacey sighed again and began reading where she had left off...

Did that just happen?

2006-11-05T19:52:00.000-08:00

This is the question a friend and I had to ask ourselves last night after he almost got into a fight over something ridiculously petty. My boyfriend swears he'll never go to a doctor educated at my med school "all you guys do is party and fight, you're like a high school football team from texas." After last night, I'm not sure that I'd blame him for his thoughts.

Last night the student medical association decided to throw a New Years party. That's right, a new years party in... November. After my little sis pointed out that the party did offer free champagne, I figured, what the hey, I'll go.

Everything was fine for most of the night. I got to hang w/ my little sis from college and one of the few people I actually like in my class came since he lives so close to where the party was being held. Everyone was passing around cheap Andres champagne (o.k. maybe if I had known it was going to be Andres I wouldnt have gone.. they couldn't even pitch in for Korbels??)

Before long, the party seemed to be getting a little lame. Though the theme was supposed to get people to make out during the "New Years countdown" held every 30 minutes (yea obnoxious) A.) There is no one in my class or in the entire med school for that matter that I want to put my lips on and B.) I have a bf, and thats just sketch. Given this boredom my friend and I and his friend were making fun of all the socially awkward people who were passing an innertube balloon around (oh yes, they only bought 1 zero balloon so instead of 2007 there was just "0") and danced w/ it around their hips. At first we just thought it was lame, but after people kept putting it on and bumping into me I felt the balloon had to die. I asked someone for the balloon and between the three of us, some how the balloon died... oh well.. whatever. Now we can stop acting like children and stop being awkward... or so I thought.

A good 2 hours after the balloon incident one of the party planners walked up to my friend and I and said, "I heard one of you guys destroyed my innertube balloon." My friend and I looked extremely puzzled b/c the event had happened hours ago and... um.. who cares that much about a balloon? I was sober enough to see that the party planner was pissed. My friend on the other hand was wasted and thought it was a complete joke. All of a sudden the party planner started yelling and pointing at my friend "You came to a FREE party, something you didn't pay money for, and DESTROYED property. What gives you the right?" Then the party planner started poking my friend to which my friend told him "You don't know me, don't touch me." To which the party planner responded with, "Do you know who I am? Do you KNOW who I am?" By that point my friend was pissed and told the guy that if he really had qualms over his stupid balloon they could take it outside. Of course women jumped in and tried to calm everyone down. I don't know why I jumped in between the two since if a punch was thrown I would have been done!

After some friends escorted crazy balloon guy out, my friend and I were left puzzled. Firstly my friend was a division I A collegiate wrestler for 5 years. Secondly, we did pay for the party, the dues for the student medical association are payed by, guess who? us med students. Thirdly, a balloon??? A friggin balloon? Yes it was probably immature to even pop the stupid thing, we should have just taken it outside and accidently let go of it, or better yet, we should have just left the party, but honestly, to start a fight over a BALLOON? This guy folks will be operating one people one day... sheesh.

I guess it all goes back to the phenomenon of shows like Grey's Anatomy. A part of the appeal of these shows is that you get to see the more "interesting" parts of a Dr's life. And while many get wrapped into the drama, I'm sure most would at least not want to know about the personal lives of their own doctors. I mean many people can separate profession from personal life, but I'm sorry, I don't want someone operating on me who might bust out in tears if the attending she has a crush on walks into the operating room.

But seriously, whoever called med school middle school, was right.

The bigger person

2006-10-26T18:50:00.000-07:00

My mom, rightfully so, is trying to make me a better person. Responses to my old roommate's email, like the one below in her mind is a big no-no. I sent the email without talking to her about it so she could filter out all the bad stuff and then my old roommate threatened to sue me. So I thought, maybe I should consult my mother to help keep me from smacking-a-bitch.

My whole debate with my mother centered on my idea that some people need to be told that they're being ridiculous and her idea that I have no right to tell anyone anything. "Are you her mother?," my mom would ask.

And here's the thing. I know the whole "who are you?" argument. One person, supposedly, is no better than another. Therefore, what right do I have to tell someone "like it is."

I get that part to a large extent. And as a matter of fact I felt like sending my old roommate the email I did the day before after having her ignore my request to help find someone. But then I realized, that such an email would solve nothing. So I didn't send it, only to have my inbox littered with her nonsense for the umpteenth time. The funny thing is all of her complaints were addressed in an earlier email that she neglected to read.

Sigh...

I guess in all of this I can only blame myself. Before I moved in all of my friends heard that I was moving in with her and said "You're moving in with WHO?" Point 2 - The reason she had to move was b/c her landlord was being "crazy" and wanted her out. I'M the biggest idiot in the world to not have taken that as a warning that no, the landlord isn't crazy, but the roommate is. Point 3 - If it took her 6 years to graduate from undergrad, she clearly isn't going to be on top of things... like finding an apartment. There were signs from the beginning that made me weary (e.g. when she didnt show up for an appointment I set up) but I kept thinking for the best.. silly, silly, me. Also, if she wasn't motivated to graduate, what motivation would she have to find a roommate?

I think a new motto should be started - Friends don't let friends live with potential crazy biatches.

Thanks to those who warned me :-/ I guess I had it coming.

For your reading pleasure...

2006-10-26T18:36:00.000-07:00

Ex-Roommate:

Email #20

Bang,

Part of fulfilling your obligation in the situation you have created is to keep me informed. It has been exceedingly difficult throughout this process to find out anything from you. It also leaves a very negative impression that when I send you messages about bills or rent that I get no response whatsoever.I noticed that the lease application was no longer on the kitchen counter. Does this mean you showed the apartment to someone on Tuesday? Are they planning on moving in? Also, where is the key to the mailbox? I don't see it anywhere and I do not want to have to deal with late fees simply because I couldn't get to the bills. Please take the 2 minutes necessary to respond to this e-mail.

Bang:

Dear Ex-Roommate,

I think that you are mistaken on your idea of "the situation I created." I am not leaving out of any convenience to myself, but out of GREAT inconvenience. The reason for my moving is because even after discussing the issue of your boyfriend being at the apartment entirely too much given the living situation - i.e. a living arrangement primarily for 2 people as was designated by the lease - on multiple occasions, you could not comply to being reasonable about how often he was at the apartment. Furthermore, if you are so concerned about the rules of the lease, you should know that you have violated the guest policy on multiple occassions, specifically July, 2006 and September 2006. Since having guests longer than the 15 day total amount allowed for a month is in breach of the lease, my moving is as a result of direct breach of the lease, which I could have brought to the attention of management, but why would I do that to a "friend"? Nope, instead I tried to part amicably. If we can't agree, then we agree to disagree. I have MEDICAL SCHOOL to take care of right now S. I dont know if you understand this or not but I've worked my ASS off to get here. And if my living situation is not conducive to me succeeding then I must change that. And like I said before, I could have brought it up to management, but then you'd be screwed too if they decided to do something about that. So I wanted to compromise and just move out and let someone else deal with living with you - or even better, they wouldn't have a problem with your boyfriend being over all the time. Moreover, I have written managment about leaving the lease and having someone take my spot. So please understand who is doing who the favor here.

With that said, when I initially informed you that I was moving out, I had not yet thought or planned of how to handle the whole moving out process. You continually badgered me to give you information that I did not have. Understand S, that I have not been difficult. Your idea of difficulty is shaded by the fact that you didn't get information (which i did not have) immediatly after requesting it. Did I not send you an email giving you 30 days notice? I did, just not when you asked for it. I also sent you an email on October 22nd A.) Asking you about what you meant about owing you utilities for last month (which I take to mean September) since on September 29th you sent me an email telling me how much utilities were and I wrote you a check for $818.28. If I am confused about the billing dates fine, you can let me know, but I DID get back to you on the matter. B.) I asked you to help me in my search for a roommate since I was not so sure about the results I was getting on craigslist. I did not get a reply from you. Again, you breached the terms of the lease and that is why I am choosing to leave. I honestly shouldn't have had to bear the brunt of the responsibility of finding a roommate, but I felt bad for leaving. I emailed you about setting up a time to talk about what you wanted in a roommate, after my finals were over, again you didnt reply to this. So again, you left finding a new roommate up to me. When I was going to show the apartment, I asked you if you were going to be around. The person that came the day you could not be there eventually wanted to apply, so I gave her the app. With craigslist, interest never definitevely predicts action. So seeing that this whole roommate search is taking up WAY too much of my time and I'm not receiving any help from you, I don't feel it necessary to waste time explaining things that may or may not pan out.

Furthermore, I feel that I have been extremely accomodating in this situation - A.) inconveniencing myself by moving out despite the fact that the cause is directly from your actions and B.) Taking the brunt of the responsibility for finding a roommate despite asking you for what you wanted and then receiving no help after asking for it. And all I get in response is you badgering me to do this or that. So S, I'm done being "nice" or accomodating. I tried to be a friend first, but clearly that isn't worth anything. As I said before I sent in my 30 days notice to management which ends on November 16th. I will give you rent up until this date. If the potential roommate chooses to take the room, you will get the whole month.

I have expended way too much energy on all of this and as a result my studies have suffered. I will not dedicate so much time from here on out.

I will be out of town this weekend so I will drop the check off sometime today.

Ex-Roommate:

All of your feelings of my breach of the lease aside, you still are the holder of the lease. If you do not provide a full payment of November's rent by Monday I will file paper with Small Claims Court on Monday requesting payment of the remainder of the lease, which continues to the beginning of June. Once a summons is sent to you, you will be required to attend. In the summons I will also be requesting payment for all time lost from work in order to resolve the matter. Furthermore, I invite you to attempt to argue your point that he was over more than 15 days and that this allows you to break your lease agreement. You are wrong in your assumption that he was over that frequently, as I have created a calendar documenting his location on each day during the months in question and can verify that he was not over that frequently. Sincerely,

Why? I don't know

2006-10-18T00:07:00.000-07:00

I don't know why med school is forcing me to undergo a constant autopsy of my emotions these days, but it is. I was talking to a friend about much of nothing today when he asked how my day went. I had nothing much to say so I asked him a random question - Do you think guys and girls face different consequences of mean or antisocial behavior? He said yes, and asked what prompted the question. I told him the story of how today, one of my few friends at school, though he is just as antisocial as me, or maybe even more so since he chooses not to come to class b/c of how annoying he finds the class as a whole to be (and b/c its easier to just watch the lectures online), anyway, yesterday was his birthday. When someone asked why he didn't tell anyone he simply answered, "I don't care" and walked away. And all of a sudden, today a group of people bought him a cake, sang for him, talked about how much they loved him.. and I was just simply confused. How is it that both of us can exhibit the same behavior, yet he gets a cake!

My friend brought up a good point. "Is he single?" my friend asked. I responded, "Yeah, but he's gay." "Even better," my friend said. Now I was puzzled. My friend continued to say, "Bang, even though your hot (whatever), in their eyes you're an angry, black female who is antisocial and mean. Your friend on the other hand is just simply viewed as an attractive, non-threatening, male."

Interesting.. Can't say this is the first time I've gotten the "mean black girl thing." A few people told me that no one in my sophomore dorm attempted to be friends with me because A.) They thought I only talked to black people (don't know where in the hell this assumption came from since the majority of the people in the sorority I was apart of were not black) and B.) They thought I was a bitch and that I would be mean to them.

At the time, although I was taken aback by those assumptions - I was pretty nice back then - I didn't see the point in changing anything. I'm most comfortable being ME; the me that doesn't fake it, but if you need help I'll try my best.

But I'm starting to think I do need to soften the blow these days. While I still don't believe in pretending to like anyone if I don't, it might be a good thing to stop making comments about people, whether out-loud (accidently) or privately with friends. Because people talk. And I'm sure someone has told someone else, that I said something, about whomever.

None of my attempts to change will be in hopes of getting a cake on my birthday though. A.) I refused to send an email to the "birthday master" as to when it is and B.) I'm planning on being absent. Its my birthday. I don't want to have to endure irritations of biblical porportions like I do everyday on my birthday.

Now I just have to plan what to do that weekend... a trip out of state sounds nice :)

Becoming a social recluse

2006-10-17T19:30:00.000-07:00

I'm starting to remind myself of an old me; the me from high school. I'm quite shocked actually. I was a raving bitch in high school because I hated everything and everyone and couldn't wait to get the hell up out of there. I also thought that I was so annoyed b/c I was so much more "mature" than everyone else and that once I entered the non-high school world, things would be a whole lot better. Things were better for a while; while I was in college that is. And now that I'm in grad school, its starting to feel a whole heck of a lot like high school again. I was warned a couple of times that med school would feel like high school. But thats not the type of news that would deter a person. But these days I start feeling an overwhelming urge to tell people to "shut the hell up" no matter if they're talking about something amongst themselves that I feel is completely trite and is causing "noise pollution" or if they're talking directly to me. Though I don't frequently talk to people that I do want to tell to "shut the hell up." I mostly only talk to people I made friends with this summer, and that has suited me just fine. It would be even better if I could "close my ears" the same way I could close my eyes, though.

After a particularlly annoying episode today I wondered, WHY am I SOO annoyed? Today one of the class representatives took time from the beginning of class to give a "reminder" for the 10th damn time in 2 weeks about an event coming up. His jokes were a parody of Letterman's "Top Ten List." Not only did I find none of the jokes funny, not even remotely so, around #5 he used the opportunity to publicly ask out someone he had asked out already. While the class "awwed" and "cooed" and laughed, I was getting more annoyed by the minute. First of all you're preaching to the choir, we're first years, you don't need to beg us 20 times to go to the event. Secondly, stop wasting my time with crappy jokes and using class time to re-ask a girl out. Yup, sir. We got it the first time. All of it.

But then I started to think, why am I the only one not laughing? Why am I the only one annoyed? I think a friend hit the nail on the head when she made the comment, "You're like a senior amongst a sea of freshman." So true! These people remind me of freshman and are every damn bit as annoying as freshman. Everything is new and exciting to them and its all about forming tight bonds w/ the new classmates you've just met. For me, I went to this school as an undergrad, and thanks but no thanks I've already got awesome friends. I don't need any strange, and not funny acquaintances.

My goal now is to be truly apathetic about people; to have the kind of apathy where I'm not annoyed or disgusted, I just stop paying attention. My ipod may help me in this endeavor :) And maybe, just maybe, these freshman will calm the hell down eventually and I can interact w/ them in a civil way - you know, without wanting to tell them to shut the hell up.

I know now though that I will have to do my residency at a different institution. Maybe I'll be the "freshman" and will think other people are cool, b/c I'm trying to make new friends, and people are 100 times more cool when you're in a new environment and don't want to be lonely.

But for now I'll keep reminding myself "you're not the crazy one" and hope for the best :-/

It's not about me

2006-10-15T20:32:00.000-07:00

As I was sitting in an afternoon lecture hall one day, one of my professors came in to apologize for something he had done earlier in the day. It was 3 minutes before the class would start, yet there were only 5 of us sitting around. The professor asked us if we had gone to see the presentation of the Nobel prize to one of the medical school's faculty. I had quickly shouted out that I was disappointed that I missed it and that I hoped another faculty received one so I could go. The professor then said, "It's not about you." I laughed at the time and tried to explain myself, "No, no, I would like another faculty member to win one, first and foremost. And it would be nice to go to that one, since I had to miss this one because of a class."

Those words played over and over again in my head for some reason. "It's not about you." As I've grown older I have tried to constantly be aware of my thoughts, my actions, and what my motivations are. Personally, for a long while I was proud of myself for being less of a selfish person than I used to be. But the funny thing is, it only takes a comment or two from someone else to become fully aware of where you really are in your self development.

Its the small things that I started to examine that made me realized, I still have a long way to go in decreasing my selfish thoughts, attitudes, and actions. One such issue is the issue of my bf wanting to join the marines. He mentioned the idea to me about a month after we got back together and it made me really upset. I first thought - why the hell would someone give up a comfortable life to go pursue some battle being led by an idiot president? I then thought that maybe it was an issue of how much he valued me. If he truly thought I was awesome, then why would he go and do that?

So for a while I would make snipping comments about his idea of joining the marines. I would send articles about people dying in Iraq, etc. Then one day I thought, if I'm going to argue a point, I should know what I'm arguing against. I looked up the officer program that my bf wants to join. It was then that I realized why he might want to join - officer training is a distinct program of the marines; they train you but you don't have to accept a commission. The marines only want officers who want to be there. Fair enough - he could go, decide he hates it and then come back. At least those were my thoughts on why he might want to go.

But I still wasn't getting it. After having a long conversation w/ him about why he would want to do such a thing, I realized that the motivating factor wasn't the fact that he could choose to leave if he didn't want to do it. It meant a lot more to him. My bf doesn't pretend he lead a hard life, nor does he think the world owes him anything. Instead, he's so grateful of the ease and comfort of his life, that he almost feels guilty. It took me a while to understand this concept since I lead a completely different life than he did as a kid. But for him, joining the marines serves three purposes - 1.) to give him more direction in his life since he will have to experience hardship he would never experience on his own 2.) to try to give back to a country that gave him so much and 3.) if he wants to hold some kind of office one day, having spent some time in the military is the equivalent of having "street cred."

While I still believe that the things he wants to accomplish in his lifetime do not have to be filtered through joining the marines, as I watched him talk about his reasoning, my professors words rung loud and clear. Bang, its not about you. I realized that the status of our relationship has nothing to do w/ his motivation to join the military. I mean, if someone is going to give up almost 3 decades of living a pretty cushy life, an awesome girlfriend of 6 months isn't going to be all that persuasive anyway.

I still think he's crazy, but now I have no desire to persuade him not to join, b/c its not about me. If he does join, we'll probably still break up, b/c lord knows I was not meant to be the wife of a military man. But in the meantime I can be at peace w/ whatever he decides to do. Plus he doesn't have to wake up to annoying emails from me about the latest awful thing the President did that adversely affect people in the military.

By the way, another faculty member DID win the nobel prize in the same week and I WAS able to go. It was awe-inspiring. Simply...amazing.

Apparently You've Gotta Threaten People

2006-10-10T18:16:00.000-07:00

I found it funny today, as I was walking up to my apartment after taking Max for a walk, my roommate's boyfriend pulled into the back parking lot of our apartment but didn't park. To my astonishment he just sat in the car and as I was walking into the apartment I noticed my roommate getting ready to leave. My guess is that he was just coming to pick her up.

Flashback to a few weeks ago I was studying for an important exam which was going to be given the following day. My roommate knew this since she asked, and despite this her and her boyfriend come in making noise like they own the place. It was quite obnoxious seeing that even though there were two doors closed between us I could still hear them. I thought "fuck this" and drove to the campus library to study. On my way my roommate sent me a text message apologizing for being loud and saying that I should have "just told her" since she doesn't want to add to my stress. How laughable! If you dont want to add to my stress how about you do what you said you were going to do - A.) Be reasonable as to how much time your boyfriend spends at the apartment. I.e. he shouldnt be sleeping here every night. B.) If you ask me when I have a test so you can make yourself "scarce" don't turn around and be obnoxious when I need peace and quiet as much as Michael Jackson needs pigment.. and sanity.

So after being frustrated about my roommate's lack of respect for my space and privacy for the third time, I emailed her after my test and told her I was moving out. She tried to use retarded tactics to attempt to make me "seriously think about" whether or not I wanted to deal with the consequences of moving out.. My response? "Bitch please."

Since telling my roommate that I want to move out she has made herself ridiculously scarce. I dont think I've even seen here boyfriend inside the apartment since that time. Why did it have to come to this? Furthermore, why doesn't she just get it. What is so hard to understand about "I feel like there are 3 people living here, not 2. Please coordinate with your boyfriend on how you can ensure that he will not be here the majority of the week and that you guys could maybe not be so obnoxious?" Instead everytime we've had this conversation she chooses to disappear completely. Which means she doesnt get it. And if someone doesn't get it three times, its time to move on b/c they never will... or maybe they will but by the third time I'm done trying.

And now that my roommate desides to disappear its a matter of too little too late. Hopefully in a month or so I can find something more conducive to my needs for privacy and sanity... hopefully

:)

Cover blown

2006-09-19T23:15:00.000-07:00

So I haven't made it any big secret to friends that I dislike most of my classmates. Well dislike is kind of harsh and implying that I even know anything about them, so how about we say I'm apathetic towards their presence. I'm tired of hearing the really inane conversations about things that will never matter in life and all the random chatter that just proves that most people, well at least my classmates, just like to hear their voices.

While my close personal friends know all of this, I don't make it my business to actively convey my distaste for my classmates. I figure, I'm going to need help someday so best not to burn any bridges. But of course, my mouth would get the best of me.

Today we had "elections" for class representatives. I wasn't particularly excited b/c like I said, I don't even like these people. Well today I was sitting near someone I did like. As two of my classmates rushed towards the stage to "run" for whatever the hell spot was up for grabs, I groaned. Then I realized, if there are two spots and only two people running, what the hell is the "point" of this "election." So I raised my hand to ask, "excuse me, what's the point of all of this?" But before I got my hand high enough to be noticed, one of the candidates started to speak. With my hand raised I said (apparently out loud) "You know he's almost attractive until he opens his mouth." All of a sudden the whole corner of the room I was sitting around turned around and stared at me... WHOOPS! My friend laughed his ass off as he later relayed "You know I was thinking that same thing, but I can't believe you actually said it out loud." Hm, thanks. Either way I still asked my "whats the point" question and at first the second year mediating the "election" tried to make it sound like the process was important but then finally gave up and said, "ok, lets welcome your new class representatives."

Mmm yeah. So at least a quarter of my class know I'm a bitch.. or at least a little bitchy.

I hope this means I'm not banned from study groups :-/ I think I was properly punished when I splashed small specks of formaldahyde - not a good thing - onto my face and some splashed on to my wrist as I was trying to cut through a cadaver. I still feel some twiching of nerves that never twitched before and I'm sufficiently freaked out. Serves me right I guess.. Hopefully tomorrow I wake up with all my body and functions in tact and hoping that everyone conveniently forgot my comment yesterday.. I mean today..

Sigh.

First of: Fixing the problem

2006-09-10T11:13:00.000-07:00

Ok so since my last post I have calmed down a considerable amount.. mostly b/c I can't stay mad at people I actually care about for too long. Its my Achillees heal :-) Actually I was over it the day after the post. And for the first time, instead of plotting away at how I was going to excecute "The Break-up Speech" I had an overwhelming urge to fix the problem and actually talk about what was bothering me. That was a strange first. When I thought about it some more I realized that this "strange" urge was a product of me thinking differently about the relationship. Instead of thinking "this isn't going to last long anyway," which would have kept me from confronting the problem since there is no point putting energy into a short-lived relationship, I thought "hm, this may last a while, I should fix this."

And luckily enough, I didn't have to do much talking to get things fixed b/c he knew what he had done wrong and apologized before I could fully say what I was planning to say.

Hopefully all problems can be resolved in this manner..hopefully.

In other news, I had a really weird dream about the bf and how he was talking to me about something that I can't recall, but as he was talking his body started aging. And in my mind I was thinking, oh no! He's getting old! Break up w/ him now! LOL! Goes to show.. my break up gene is still turned on but manifests itself in other ways..

Trigger Happy

2006-09-08T19:56:00.000-07:00

I'm so amazingly pissed right now I figure I should channel the energy somehow. Let me add that I don't even have TIME to be pissed. Why? Because its only been a week and a half of med school and I'm already behind on my work, which piles up by the nanosecond.

Why am I so pissed? Because for the 3rd time the bf has flaked on something he said. The first? Last weekend when he talked me out of coming up to the city b/c he was "too drunk" and was going to pass out.. yet called me at 2 am from a cab going home. The second? The next day, while sober, he said he'd come down on Tuesday b/c he had to take a test for the national guard. Then he calls on Tuesday to say his dad convinced him not to enlist so he wasn't coming down, but he'd come down Friday. Oh the third? Ah this is what's got me pissed. He calls around 5 pm and says he wants to come down but has to figure out which weekend day works best. He calls back later and all of a sudden he has to do all of this work and turn in something on Monday so Monday or Tuesday would be better.

How do I respond at this point. "FUCK YOU! I got better things to do than being flaked on." Actually I didn't say that, although I really should have. Instead I laughed out of anger and told him that he should figure his life out and call me when he actually knows what he's doing.

Now lets note something, I'm not a really needy person. So if you've pissed me off, you've gone too far. Secondly, I wouldnt be HALF as mad if he never even said he was coming. If he just said, yeah I've got lots of work to do, but I'll figure it out and let you know.. maybe I'd be annoyed, but I wouldnt be angry. When you give me a day and then keep flaking? Oh you've got me pissed; so pissed I consider breaking up w/ you.

In my anger though, I'm trying to figure out if this is an offense worthy of a break-up. I realize that once *anything* goes wrong I'm inclined to call it quits. Maybe I'm a little too trigger happy. But seeing that the bf now lives 3 hours away and I started med school, such offenses get blown up. I don't have the room in my schedule to keep shifting around and there isn't much time to see each other in the first place.

I'm still annoyed, and as a friend has said, I should never make decisions when I'm upset. But I've made this one decision - this relationship has officially been SHELVED. I've honestly got better things to do than be pissed or annoyed and if thats going to be a product of all of this, well then, the best thing to do is move on with my life. I'm not putting effort in to make anything work. I just don't have the time...So if shit starts falling apart its going to snowball out of control pretty quickly.

Seeing my past record though, don't be surprised if there is yet another break-up thread.

Behind The Music: Nick Lachey

2006-09-04T11:56:00.000-07:00

I don't normally watch behind the music specials, but I was glued to this one. Firstly, Jessica Simpson is an idiot. But before I get to that, I think what got me hooked was that I caught the story about Nick Lachey's life before stardom. He was broke as a joke! AND from the midwest. Mix those two together and I already have more respect for him than before.

While I wasn't the biggest fan of boy bands when 98 degrees and Backstreet boys were at their peak, again VH1 was somehow able to make 98 degrees seem like the more respectable band, the band that actually had talent. But that's all in the past, and even though I didn't like the sappiness of Nick's new album, I must say, he seems like a genuinely stand-up guy, and that's saying a lot in the Hollywood game.

I almost cried during his special. Cried! When in life has a man ever made me want to cry? Well I mean a man that I had no connection with.

The sad thing? Even though Jessica is an idiot for dropping a guy who would have stood by her side forever and would have been a good father, his love for her will be slow to die. So I'm predicting they get back together sometime in the future, especially after Jessica gets her act together after getting used and tossed aside by sleazy guy after sleazy guy.

And that Vanessa character (the current gf) better savor every moment they have together, b/c the rebound girl is not the girl you want to be after a relationship like Nick & Jess'.

*Tear* G'luck Nick!

:-)

My First I Love You

2006-09-03T22:18:00.000-07:00

It was more than a year ago that I wrote about my first "date" post-college. Hm.. maybe 2 years ago. While my first date was more normal than unusual, the first time a guy said the words "I love you" to me was a little weird.

The bf's last day at work and last day at his apartment was Friday. He calls drunk as a skunk at 8pm leaving a message asking why Long Island Iced Teas are named after Long Island since its such a "weak" place.. mind you he's never been to Long Island. I call him back to tease him about not inviting me out to his Alcoholics Anonymous Extravaganza - I say teasing b/c I already know the answer - "You're with your mom! I didn't think you'd come." Fair point. I let him ramble on b/c somehow I sense what's coming:

"I'm really really drunk. Bang, I love you..."

Tada! Now was that hard? But uh oh, he had to go and mess it up:

"...but I don't know what's going to happen when I move... but I just wanted to say that I really loved the time I spent with you."

Um is this just me or did it just sound like he gave me the "thanks for the good times, peace out" line? I went to a guy friend to check, and of course he had a different take on it.

"Well he was obviously uninhibited and was just expressing his doubts about how things are going to turn out. He's probably more afraid of you breaking up with him."

Hm, ok, I didn't hear that at all. But I recently found out that not only is there a 3% difference between chimp male DNA and human human male DNA, but also, there is a 3% difference between human male and female DNA.

Go figure! No wonder they don't make sense..

Either way, I'll be sure to have fun starting up the conversation - "Hey remember the other night when you were really drunk and said x,y, and z? Did you mean it?"

Gotta love it.

In other news, moms are AWESOME. Its been a long time since I felt so supported even in my daily activities - fed well, given good advice, and having belly aching laughs. Not to mention, it's also been a while since Max and my apartment have been so clean!

Some more motherly advice

2006-08-23T17:26:00.000-07:00

My mom has been dropping advice bombs on me lately, so I thought I'd share, and also write them down somewhere so I wouldn't forget.

1.) Me: "Yeah I have friends who talk to their boyfriend's everyday, and it makes me wonder, what the hell are they talking about?" Mom: "Tell your girlfriend's to stop that nonsense. Talking on the phone everyday and wonder why you get dumped. When you blab your mouth so often you start revealing your secrets. You're just saying things, meanwhile he's recording the details he doesnt like, which he will use later when he leaves. Most people probably talk about their mothers or fathers. WHO CARES? Keep it light! Talk about current events, books, something you did that day, then say good night! But no, instead you're talking about your family members and how this one did that, and he's thinking "oh, her family is more f*ed up than mine." Oh and the lovey dovey stuff.. as if you're married. Don't do that either."

2.) Mom: "See this is a mistake a lot of women make. They go into the kitchen and cook up these full course meals for their husbands and present it, 'here you go honey,' not knowing that you're just giving that man the strength to cheat. He eats that food you just prepared then calls his 'friend' to meet up later. But if you don't cook, then he gets back home and you say 'where do you want to go to eat?' It takes at least a couple of hourse to drive to the place, order, eat, chat. By the time he gets home he's too tired to go looking for someone else. He just has sex w/ you and goes to bed."

3.) Me: "You know, I'm just not the type to go seek out a person for marriage just because of their race. I'm going to be working crazy hours, probably won't get out much, might be introduced to people through friends, and hey, if it's not a black guy, so be it."
Mom: "Honey, it doesn't matter if you stay locked up in your house, your soul mate will come knocking. It doesn't matter if you are in a plane and it crashes in your soul mate's living room and you and he are the only survivors. You'll meet him and just know. When soul mates meet each other they just keep going together, even if the rest of the world is like, what in the world?? Why are they together? Haven't you ever seen people fall in love who don't even speak the same language?"
Me: "Yeah! When I was shadowing at the hospital there was this couple with a kid and the husband didn't even speak English!"
Mom: "Ooh, ok. See what I mean?"
Me: "First of all, I never knew you believed in soul mates, secondly, can soul mates get divorced? I mean I'm just thinking of all the people who get married and are like, 'oh you are my soul mate.' Then 10 years later they're like 'fuck you! I want a divorce.'"
Mom: "Firstly, a lot of people don't marry their soul mates. They marry for superficial reasons like, oh he makes this amount of money, has this status, yup! I'll marry him. But secondly, when ego is involved, yes soul mates can divorce. When neither party has ego, then nothing is stoping them, they'll be together forever."

More to be added...

The "Men Don't Think" Theory

2006-08-22T00:43:00.000-07:00

This isn't really a bash on men.. ok maybe kinda, who am I fooling. Anyway I was talking to my mom the other day when she presented me with the "oh please, men don't think" theory. We were talking about a co-worker of hers who has been with her boyfriend for 8 years. My mom commented "Sometimes I just want to tell her that she's wasting her time if she thinks he'll marry her." I commented that I was under the impression that a woman should leave a guy who isnt making leaps and bounds towards marriage in 3 years max... if marriage is what the woman is looking for. My mom said the following:

"Please, men know what they want. It's not something they may even be consciously thinking of all the time. But as soon as they see it, whoop, they're not letting it go. They don't need years to know this. But that doesn't mean they won't take convenient sex and keep telling the woman what she wants to hear to keep her around. 'Oh yeah you know, I just got to get my finances straight before we can get married.' The list goes on."

The lesson here? If marriage is what you want, instead of seeing yourself as being "pushy" b/c after a year or two you start talking about marriage, you're actually just being smart. While there are *always* exceptions, 3 years max is what I say.

(I hope someone reminds me of this one day when I'm being stupid and still waiting at year 6 :-/ )

Will I get dumped?

2006-08-14T22:23:00.000-07:00

Admittedly I'm musing over this question b/c I am in a severe state of procrastination. Turns out its not too easy to get back on the study horse after 2 weeks of laying around - even if the laying around was for a good reason.

Anyway, the bf called tonight for no reason I could really discern besides just saying hi and to see how my day went. Although he has the habit of forgetting what he really called about only to have it come up later. Anyway we got on the topic of a political argument we had last weekend. To preface the particulars of the argument, the bf is a staunch republican, and I'm a democrat, not your San Franciscan liberal democrat, but a dem nonetheless.

So my argument was that in 10 years people will look back at the actions of the current president and claim him to be a complete idiot for not engaging in talks with Iran. Why? B/c it is important to engage crazy people. You let them loose, running their mouth, attempting to acquire weapons of MASS DESTRUCTION, and guess what? Shit's going to hit the fan so hard, it won't be funny. The bf argues that it makes no sense to try to "appease" a crazy person and that Hitler should have taught everyone that this is the case. I tried to argue from a psychological point of view - yes the President of Iran hates the western world and hates Israel like no other, but really, he just wants to be acknowledge. Why can't Bush stop being so damn arrogant and "engage" in talks with the Iranian president? "What purpose would that serve?" the bf asks. Well 1st of all it will make the Iranian president feel like he is a presence to be reckoned with, which he probably wants more than all this other crap he's spouting (i.e. to blow up Israel). Secondly, if we at least attempt to be on friendly terms with Iran, then we can engender a better image of the U.S. to the Iranian people and more importantly to the Iatolas who have some power over what happens in that country. I mean the point isn't to keep the whacko in power, but by giving him something he wants, we can buy time so that we can set up ways to bring him down internally. My argument went on, but by using phrases like "make him feel important" and "bettering our image" there was no way I was going to win the argument on pure logic, which according to the bf is the only way you can win an argument.

So I let the argument go and I talked to my mother today. My mother, besides knowing volumes of human nature in general, also has awe inspiring knowledge on world politics b/c her job requires that she knows what's going on around the world. After talking to her I got the low-down on the cultural/politcal reasons why the U.S. would greatly benefit from talking to Iran. Some of the reasons my mother believed to be purely psychological as well - crazy people who are *also* short make a lot of noise - Lil' Kim from Korea and the Iranian president are present day examples. They are making noise b/c they want their country to be recognized as a world power AND b/c they just have a psychological complex. Bush wouldn't engage North Korea much either, but he didn't leave them totally hanging. He had China go talk to Kim and calm his ass down. But Iran? Well supposedly the UN is supposed to take care of that. But the UN in this case isn't enough. Why? B/c Iran is mostly pissed off that the U.S. does have relations with countries like Israel and Saudi Arabia, and because of this, these countries prosper while Iran and others struggle economically to compete internationally. Moreover, the Iranian president is a Shiite and as it is now Saudi Arabia which holds power in the middle east is mostly Sunni and Israel, well is Israel.

So while this all sounds like high school drama, as the bf points out, it is ALL important. I mean, was I the only one that heard and learned that the "real world" is just like high school, its just that the people are older in the real world and you'd think they'd know better.. but they dont.

In any case, how does any of this relate to me getting dumped?

The issue is I get into these political arguments w/ the bf and based on knowledge alone (as long as it doesnt deal w/ psychology, biology, or anything else I've put a lot of time into learning) he wins hands down. I'm not going to pretend I know much about what goes on in the "free world" since I live in such a bubble. But I'm also not content with surrendering. Instead, if I temporarily lose a debate based purely on the fact that I just "know" and b/c I can't exactly think of concrete examples, I google it, and at my best, I just ask my mother. So then, unfairly I do admit, I come back to the debate more equipped than the last time. Eventually, instead of admitting defeat, the bf just quits arguing altogether and changes topics. And in some cases he just realizes I won't change my mind so he gives up trying to convince me.

People in general don't like to be proven wrong. This situation is even worse b/c its a guy losing an argument to a girl, and even worse, the guy prides himself on his knowledge and debate skills. Now if books like "The Rules" are accurate, going toe-to-toe w/ a guy on something he feels he knows a lot about and proving him wrong is just going to get me dumped. And soon he'll be on his way to find someone who doesn't challenge him as much.

Although all of this stuff is going on in the back of my head (the "I might get dumped" bit), I refuse not to argue. I love arguing w/ the bf not really b/c I want to win, but b/c I think its funny how riled up he gets about things. Our arguments mostly sound like - Him: " IIIII IIIII oh my GOD I can't believe you think that." Me: *giggle* "HAHAHAHAH" *giggle* "Fine don't believe me." It's clear though, that he takes these arguments more seriously than I do. I remember a convo where the bf said we could never get married b/c we argued all the time. Ah well, que sera sera.

I really don't understand why he gets so worked up about theoretical arguments anyhow, as if me arguing that the president should talk to Iran means anything. Maybe the president shouldn't acknowledge crazy people, my inkling is that he should. At the end of the day, the world stays a crazy, mixed up place. I mean I'd much rather be arguing over politics and other miscellaneous intellectual topics than argue over something stupid like "you just don't show that you care enough" or "I saw you eyeing that skank!"

Great Joke

2006-08-12T20:51:00.000-07:00

I happened to catch a stand-up act on an old finale of "Last Comic Standing." Though I heard the joke earlier today, when I keep repeating it I still chuckle.

"I live in the suburbs now. Man I need to settle down. I need a woman, and I mean a WOMAN. I don't want a little girl. These young girls are trouble. Why? Because they still have hope! You know - 'Oh we'll have a wedding, we'll get married, we'll have children.' No we won't! I'm just passing through baby, passing through."

I guess I think its funny b/c I actually picture men being more honest w/ the women they're dating. When their girlfriend mentions something resembling long term commitment and he looks and says "baby, I'm just passing through. Can you pass me the remote?" Maybe its also funny b/c for the first time in a relationship I'm not so concerned with an end goal (i.e. marriage)... just passing through.

Evil I know

:)

The Smelly Bum Analogy

2006-07-25T18:12:00.000-07:00

So I've been having issues with my current roommate. I shouldn't be surprised seeing that when everyone heard I was living with her I mostly go - "You're living with HER? Good luck" or "Ugh, when you move let me know so I can come live with you."

All that said I desperately needed to get away from my living arrangements w/ my then ex-bf and needed to do it without too much cost.

Well, I should have just bit the bullet and stayed with the ex, as that would have been a lot less torture than living with my current roommate. The problem is of fundamental differences. When I'm at home and not actively socializing I'd say 75% of the time I'd like to be left alone.. Ok maybe thats a like, more like 80%. The rest of the time, if a roommate has to tell me something or wants to chat, I won't feel like my privacy or space is being intruded upon. On the other hand, my roommate is the EXACT opposite. She prefers that MOST of her time be spent with someone, even if it's just watching tv.. or.. using the bathroom. I kid you not, her and her boyfriend shower together EVERY morning. Why you ask? I have no idea. I don't even want to know.

So since they started dating they see each other every day. When the school year was still in full swing he was here throught the day - apparently sophomores aren't being worked hard enough. I told my roommate that it was far to much for me to have to deal w/ his presence so much, after he doesn't live here, and even if he offered to pay rent, I value my privacy much more than a few bucks I'd save on rent. I asked her if this would be the same pattern over the summer and she assured me that they'd both be working and wouldn't have time to be around much. Great I thought..

But then once the summer got into full blast, they'd work, and then come "home" every night. Given that I'm now a student, I'm gone during half the day, spend the other half tying up loose end and STUDY at night. Again, things became much too much. I gave it time to die down but it never did. After being annoyed for the umpteenth time when trying to study and having to here their banal conversations on which reality show was better than the other, or being woken up by them talking in the bathroom for their morning shower I decided that I had to say something.

I told my roommate that I wanted to talk to her about the situation in hopes that it would be resolved (with the side note that if it was not, I'd just move out - I haven't told her that part yet). She wanted to talk about it over the internet but I feel this is a more sit down kind of chat. "Come here hun, take a seat," BITCH SLAP! "Stop being a selfish biatch."

So finally after ignorning some of her communications for the simple fact that - I was busy, and for the more manipulative fact - if I ignore her she eventually has to come home and then we can talk in person as I originally requested, she has finally decided to talk in person.

Well that's good. But then I remembered something. We are looking at the situation from two entirely different perspectives. While I don't care about their relationship, I do care about how them being around all the time hinders my daily habits. To her she's finally living "on her own" and should be able to do most things in her own apt. To some degree I agree. Like I said, I don't care that you're dating and being completely co-dependent, I care about how this will effect my studies in the future.

But it's like the extroverts don't understand introverts phenomenon, so I struggled to come up with an analogy that would make her understand how I felt. Then came, "the smelly bum analogy."

Imagine, if you will, that I was living with you and one day I came back home and introduced you to a smelly bum. I told you that I was doing a case study, and thus needed to hang out with the smelly bum every day. At first you'd think I was crazy, but if you got over that part you might even try to be accomodating.. that is until you realized that everyday the smelly bum and I were going to be hanging out in the apartment. Now you might object. I would listen to your consideration and so during the day the smelly bum and I would find something to do and then I'd have him over at night and leave in the morning. The only problem is you still smell the stench of the smelly bum while he's here, even if you don't see him much. Add to that that the smelly bum uses the one bathroom we have. No he doesnt shower, that's why he's smelly. But he does use the toilet often and occasionaly brushes his teeth. And the smelly bum and I do this everyday. You probably still wouldn't be too keen on this arrangement. So now you're practically living with a smelly bum, you have a high stress job, and a dog that you need to take care of, which takes time out of your already stressful day. You probably wouldn't be such a happy camper.

Now how do we make this situation reasonable?

The only compromise I can really see is for them not to be here more than a certain amount of consecutive days. If you want to play house, play it on your own time, in your own house, not one that you're sharing. But of course, my roomate may not agree with this.. at which point I'll seriously consider moving.

The lesson to be learned here?

My next roommate in life will be my husband. In the meantime I'll be living on my own.

Dating someone having a Quarter Life Crisis

2006-07-22T15:07:00.000-07:00

I've talked to my bf on a few occasions about why he is the way he is (i.e. fickle). He once tried to explain to me the concept of the "quarter-life crisis." It made sense at first - he and his friends all graduated from college thinking that by the age of 30 they were going to be millionaires and live perfect lives. Then you get into the working world for a bit and realize, man, life sucks, my job sucks, my significant other sucks or just broke up with me, I have no idea what I want to do with my life. General discontent with your life prompts you to ask yourself a few questions - who am I? what do I want to do in my life? and how do I get there? These questions precipitate seemingly rash actions - quitting ones job to climb the himalayas, moving from city to city, bar hopping almost every night of the week only to get home and still feel shitty about your life.

I empathized with my bf and his friends at first, but recently I'm starting to change my mind.

I think that the "quarter-life crisis is precipitated by having things be *too* good in your life. In other words, your parents did such a great job providing for you that you got to grow up with fantastic images in your head about what your life would be like, floating on cloud nine. You were going to be an artist, a musician, a multimillionare - that is until your parents stopped paying the bills, dropped you on your ass, and left it up to you to create your own life for yourself. I'm not saying that having traumatic, or life-changing events in your life early on is better than not having them, but there will come a point in life where many people will have to stop coasting and take a deep look within. In my opinion having to do this at 25 is MUCH better than having to do it at 45. And for some of us, we've had to do it all our lives.

With that in mind, the quarter life crisis boils down to a few things:

1.) Not knowing who you are b/c you never had a life experience that really pressed you to examine your essential self, your deepest motives, or your "purpose" very much. Now at 25 you're forced to figure out what all those things are and what they mean in terms of your future.

2.) I think a lot of 20-somethings know what they ultimately want. My bf wants to own a yacht and only have to work 6 months out of the year as the head of some construction project and then use the next 6 months to do whatever the hell he wants. His friend that just quit his 6-figure paying job to roam the world wants to get an MBA from a top 3 business school and make more money than he knows what to do with.

3.) The quarter life crisis, to me at least, is more a period where people know what they want, but are a bit insecure that they might not achieve it. My bf could take the straightforward route - take the GRE's, apply for top engineering and construction programs, graduate, find a better job than he has now (which he is quitting soon anyway), and be on his way to achieving what he really wants. His friend, although he didn't get into the top business schools the first time around, could just as easily work on his application and apply again. Simple! The actual plan to getting there isn't hard, its the work involved that sucks. And some people don't want to deal with the actual execution of the plan. What about the English major who complains about having no employable skills? Easy. Get some! Get a job, any job that is vaguely relevant. You have to start somewhere, even if your first job isn't paying your "dream" salary.

So in my head, all the "quarter life crisis" amounts to is a long period of doubt and restlessness, that could easily be overcome if people just said, you know what, I vaguley know what I want my life to look like in 10 years, I'm not sure if any one path is better than the other, but I'm going to decide to take this one, no matter how hard, and if it doesn't feel right, I will have put in enough work to be able to tranisition to something else. But no, because most wealthy americans have the luxury to hem and hah for a few years they capitalize on the idle time and give it a name. More importantly people should realize that having a job you are truly passionate about doesn't come along just because you got a degree from college. It takes putting in a lot of work in order to get that job that you feel passionate about. E.g - I want to be a doctor and a researcher, those are the things that would make my life truly fufilling. Just because I got a bachelors from a top school doesn't mean I got that job upon graduation. Now I have to go back to school and work my ass off for years to come to get where I really want to be. To do something you enjoy, you must pay your dues.

What I do admire about my bf and his friend is that they at least have the courage to get out of the things they know they do not want to do. Yeah I think it's crazy that my bf is quitting his job to go build a house with his own hands, and quite possibly it could result in us breaking up (again), but at least he's doing something most men of his education level and age wouldn't have the guts or means to do. And his friend saved up so much money from his job that he has the luxury to take a year off, recuperate from the rat race, finally figure out who he is, and hit the ground running when he gets back.

So in conclusions, it's not that I don't believe that there is a such thing called the "quarter life crisis," I just think that people need to shut it, pick a direction and GO! Because if you really do have the resolve and determination to reach your goals, you'll get there, even if it's at 35 and not 25.

Good relationship models

2006-07-09T12:43:00.000-07:00

"Do you know anyone who has a relationship model that you like?"

A friend asked me this question the other day and it suddenly dawned on me that, no! I didn't. It came up b/c since getting back with the ex I've been a lot less anxious about him calling or about the amout of time spent together. I also don't feel the need to talk to him everyday and find myself realizing that when I need space, he needs space, we take it, and we come back together. But when we first dated (and lived together *shudder*) the dynamic was so different. I needed space sometimes, probably not as much as he did, and I expected him to want to talk to me every night until the wee hours (who cares if people have to go to work in the morning!) and give me a kiss good night every day. When he didn't do these things I got annoyed. What a crock of BS. Thankfully since then, I've escaped the opium den of dellusion.

The problem was not him as much as the fact that I was operating under relationship models that I had seen that worked (i.e. lead to meaningful relationships and marriage). My friends in college who got married saw their bf/gf everyday, talked on the phone with each other everyday, and were practically inseperable. So in my head I thought, aha, if a relationship is to be successful you should be inseperable from day one.

Wrong, wrong, and more wrong.

Erroneously, I was looking at relationships started by people who were relatively young. For younger people, identity development is still in the works. You hardly know who the hell you are and may have some idea of what you want out of life but its all still hazy. When you start dating someone else who is at the same point in their lives, there is a tendency to mesh, to come so close to each other yet not even realize you're infringing on each others identity. And that works. Its like two ameobas coming together.

But what happens when you get older or when your identity is more hardened? It must be that older people/people with more concrete identities operate under a different relationship model. There is less meshing and the more someone tries to mesh with you the more you feel your life is being intruded upon. You'd feel suffocated and need more space. This relationship more resembles two magnetical balls. At a certain closeness the two magnets attract, try to get any closer and they'll fly apart.

The magnetical balls model of relationships is one I've never seen. Where are the couples who don't see each other every day of the week, or who talk on the phone more like every other day instead of every day and love each other just as much as the ameoba couple?

Well I don't know. I'm assuming the older my friends get, the more I will see them enter the "magnetical balls" type of relationship. The good thing is that since realizing that not all "successful" relationships look alike, I no longer hold mine to the standards of the ameoba relationship. Come to think of it, I'm not sure my current relationship fits the "magnetical balls" model perfectly either. Maybe we're more like huge bouncing rubber balls. We get really close sometimes then bounce off into our own lives, then bounce back together.. Hm, good enough analogy for me :-)

Right now I'll just have to go with what feels right. And that's all I can go on.