The Politics of Dating: Why black is never the first choice
I write this post at the risk of sounding like I'm complaining, but that is not my aim. I'll preface all of this by saying I love who I am and where I come from and would have it no other way. Onward we go!
I had an acquaintance in college (she was black) who would say, "You know Bang, if we had the same looks on a 10 point scale as we did now, but we were white or Asian, we'd have sooo many more dating options!" I sort of saw her point at the time, but didn't pay it much mind. I was still getting my fair share of attention from the opposite sex and having fun in college so, to me, her point didn't matter much. But after a few years of post-graduate dating and reflecting on my experiences, she was dead-on.
Why though?
It dawned on me that a lot of what was said about dating within the African-American community was right. I often heard the argument that black men chased after white women because they wanted these women as a status symbol. After years of being oppressed, to a black man, having a white woman was a sign that he meant something in society. I guess I dismissed this argument because it just made me sad - I, as a black woman, wasn't good enough for men of my own race? Hm.
Instead of believing in this race/class/political view of love, I believed that at least beauty could conquer anything; that is, no matter what race you are, if you're beautiful, anyone will want to date you. But I'm starting to realize something. For as much as my friends think I'm easy on the eyes, for all the compliments I get from men and women, what do I have to show for it? Not much. My non-black friends who are as attractive or less attractive than I have lots to show - gifts, vacations, cards, flowers. You name it, they've gotten it from their admirers.
Before seeing this as a race/class/political issue, I just wanted to believe that I just didn't have the qualities that my friends possessed that engendered so much admiration from the opposite sex. But I'm starting to think that, yes beauty will get you somewhere in the dating game, but it is not the whole story.
Quite frankly, I don't think I'm anyone's first pick when it comes to dating. Yeah they might find me attractive, funny, fun to hang out with. But somehow, someway, they pick someone else to date. The funny thing is that the other person has never been black - if that were the case then I'd feel we were on equal ground except she was prettier, funnier, etc. I used to think part of it was intimidation. But come to think about it, how many guys do I know that spent all of their time in college dating various women, and when it came time to graduate - Oh by the way Bang, you're hot! Bye! Maybe it wasn't intimidation after all. Maybe its because racially/socially/politically black ain't at the top of too many people's list.
I think part of the selection is conscious and part of it is not. White people in this country, for the most part, have most of the power and minorities have the least. People want to associate themselves with powerful people. This notion can subconsciously slip into the dating game. Hence, if a man is presented with pictures of 2 beautiful women, one being black and the other being white, I'm inclined to believe that a majority of men in the U.S. would go with the white woman.
I have to say that people of mixed race are often in a class of their own. Their beauty and exoticism, plus claim to a majority race makes them pretty perfect.
The thing about my claims are that they're just that, claims. They come from my experience and quite often, people who don't experience the same things don't see the world the same way.
Am I bitter? No. Not yet. Maybe if I'm 30 and have spent a decade being passed over by men I would love to date but who don't put me as their first choice the bitterness will set in.
We'll see.
I had an acquaintance in college (she was black) who would say, "You know Bang, if we had the same looks on a 10 point scale as we did now, but we were white or Asian, we'd have sooo many more dating options!" I sort of saw her point at the time, but didn't pay it much mind. I was still getting my fair share of attention from the opposite sex and having fun in college so, to me, her point didn't matter much. But after a few years of post-graduate dating and reflecting on my experiences, she was dead-on.
Why though?
It dawned on me that a lot of what was said about dating within the African-American community was right. I often heard the argument that black men chased after white women because they wanted these women as a status symbol. After years of being oppressed, to a black man, having a white woman was a sign that he meant something in society. I guess I dismissed this argument because it just made me sad - I, as a black woman, wasn't good enough for men of my own race? Hm.
Instead of believing in this race/class/political view of love, I believed that at least beauty could conquer anything; that is, no matter what race you are, if you're beautiful, anyone will want to date you. But I'm starting to realize something. For as much as my friends think I'm easy on the eyes, for all the compliments I get from men and women, what do I have to show for it? Not much. My non-black friends who are as attractive or less attractive than I have lots to show - gifts, vacations, cards, flowers. You name it, they've gotten it from their admirers.
Before seeing this as a race/class/political issue, I just wanted to believe that I just didn't have the qualities that my friends possessed that engendered so much admiration from the opposite sex. But I'm starting to think that, yes beauty will get you somewhere in the dating game, but it is not the whole story.
Quite frankly, I don't think I'm anyone's first pick when it comes to dating. Yeah they might find me attractive, funny, fun to hang out with. But somehow, someway, they pick someone else to date. The funny thing is that the other person has never been black - if that were the case then I'd feel we were on equal ground except she was prettier, funnier, etc. I used to think part of it was intimidation. But come to think about it, how many guys do I know that spent all of their time in college dating various women, and when it came time to graduate - Oh by the way Bang, you're hot! Bye! Maybe it wasn't intimidation after all. Maybe its because racially/socially/politically black ain't at the top of too many people's list.
I think part of the selection is conscious and part of it is not. White people in this country, for the most part, have most of the power and minorities have the least. People want to associate themselves with powerful people. This notion can subconsciously slip into the dating game. Hence, if a man is presented with pictures of 2 beautiful women, one being black and the other being white, I'm inclined to believe that a majority of men in the U.S. would go with the white woman.
I have to say that people of mixed race are often in a class of their own. Their beauty and exoticism, plus claim to a majority race makes them pretty perfect.
The thing about my claims are that they're just that, claims. They come from my experience and quite often, people who don't experience the same things don't see the world the same way.
Am I bitter? No. Not yet. Maybe if I'm 30 and have spent a decade being passed over by men I would love to date but who don't put me as their first choice the bitterness will set in.
We'll see.
posted by GyangBang | 1:10 AM
1 Comments:
I wrote a comment, but it's LONG. E-mailing instead. :-)
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