The pitfalls of PMS

Although I like to believe that I do not suffer from PMS, I realize it's because I'm so naturally moody that I usually don't notice any difference between the fluxuation of moods I experience on a daily basis and the fluxuations in emotion that occur when most women are "suffering" from PMS. BUT there are the times when the peaks and troughs of my emotions are so vastly distant that I have to acknowledge that I am in fact PMSing. The last example of my PMS episode was a few days ago. I had decided that my boyfriend was ignoring me and that our break up was eminent. I felt ridiculously bummed for 2 days. It was the kind of bummed that you can feel physically, that makes you not want to get out of bed, and that keeps you on the verge of tears. Then the following day, poof! Just like that my feelings had disappeared. I did not care at all if we broke up or if I'd ever see him again in life, etc. I finally stabilized yesterday. I knew I was stable because I was no longer indifferent, nor was I extremely sad. For the most part I was back to my "take it or leave it" attitude.

It was only after stabilizing that I could look back at my actions and evaluate what the hell is/was going on between us. The day I was indifferent I asked him - "Do you think you've been weird?" Him: "No. To you you mean?" Me: "Yes" Him: "No" And that was that. At first I thought, what a crock of BS he just doesn't want to talk about it. But since I lacked general affect anyway I was OK with him not addressing my perception of his behavior change.

Now that I'm back on Planet Earth I realize that in fact, he has been no different to me this week than he was last week or the week before. But if this is the case, why did I feel that he was actively distancing himself from me?

He didn't change, but I did; and therein lays the problem. For a while I was annoyed at the distance I felt within the realationship in general. The bf isn't very affectionate and consequently I have no idea where I stand with him. But I was willing to tolerate the distance because it made sense given that I had no idea where I was going to grad school and was actually planning on heading east. The idea of getting too invested in a relationship with a clear expiration date made no sense. But recently I found out that I won't be headed east after all and that I'll actually be staying in the same relative area. Now that the time constraint I was operating under has been blurred I can no longer tolerate the distance. More than that, I automatically expected him to change how he interacted with me as well, and in a sense become more "invested." When his behavior did not immediatly change I began to wonder if he was in fact ignoring/avoiding me on purpose. The end result? When I was around him I'd be so caught up in my convoluted thought process that I wouldn't say a word to him. So in effect, he was being the same and I was ignoring him. Good job eh?

So now that I have identified the problem I have two options. If I want to continue the relationship I'll have to give him good reason to want to continue it as well - i.e. I'll have to be good company. If I do not want to continue the relationship, given that we'll still be living together for another month and a half at least, to lessen the awkwardness in the meantime I'll have to enjoy the time we have left together and... tada! be good company. So really I guess in order to enjoy these next few months I'll have to let go of my hangups about any kind of "future," stop reading into his behaviors, and make the most of it.

It all sounds so simple, but will I be able to do it???

...I'll keep you posted.