Not seeing the trees for the forest
My mother and I came to the same conclusion about something, at about the same time. I am too focused on the future, and have little ability to just live in the present. "Life is about the journey, not about the destination," my mom said. I completely agreed w/ her. My focusing on the future so much gets me in a lot of trouble, and weirdly enough, can make me unrealistic about things.
In an earlier post I wrote about advice a friend gave me about choosing between a fixer upper and a modern home - go with the modern home. In other words, if I find that my bf's traits aren't exactly compatible with my own, I can find someone who fits perfectly.
I still don't know if I agree with the perfect fit, but as I am slowly learning how to see what's here today, instead of fantasizing about the future, I'm starting to wonder if the 5% that my bf doesn't have is the 5% that I NEED to have.
Earlier in the week he asked me what I was going to do w/ my weekend. I told him I was so behind that I was going to spend the whole weekend studying. He said that since he had to take the GRE on Monday that he was going to spend the weekend studying as well.
Well yesterday he called me drunk. I don't usually associate drunkeness with the ability to get much work done the following day, so I assumed right there that his plan to study would be shot to hell, regardless of the impending exam. I couldn't blame him too much since it was his father's birthday and his family did all plan to go out for dinner, so thats ok. I was feeling especially crappy about other things yesterday so I didn't much feel like talking to a drunk bf so I sort of cut him off and hung up on him. He called back asking if I was mad at him and I briefly told him that I wasn't and that I was having issues with other things. He probed further, but again, there is no use talking to a drunk person about something important when you are in fact sober, so I told him that there really was no point in talking about it and that I'd talk to him later. He then asked "are you on the rag?" I told him no, then hung up. I swear if he was in my presence I would have punched him in the face.
Today I was attempting to procrastinate so I called him later in the evening. I knew he was driving from the noise in the background and I thought, hm, I thought you were going to study, but it sounds like you're going to get drunk again.. so again so much for that. I really shouldn't have asked what he was up to since it just pissed me off further. "Yeah we just went to Hooters, it was disappointing, now we're going to some bar. blah blah blah." Again, annoyed and not wanting to really talk about what was annoying me I told him I had to go back to work. He wouldn't let me get off the phone and kept asking me inane questions - probably sensing my annoyance and trying to combat it - and ended up apologizing for his "on the rag" comment. If nothing else, my bf is good at knowing what pisses me off and apologizing for it if he can. But there are other things that would probably make him feel bad for admitting so he doesnt mention them. Like the fact that he scrapped the whole studying plan. He probably knows that I am judging him on this but doesnt want to say anything about it b/c hey, what's the point. It would only make him feel bad for not being able to stick to his plan.
After I got off the phone with him I started thinking w/ a new perspective. In my hopes of building a future together, I kind of ignored/downplayed our potential incompatabilites. My bf's a smart guy; not intelligent but smart. - My mom used to hammer in the difference between smart and intelligent in our discussions when I was younger. To her, smart means that you are able to make decisions quickly based on few facts and little understanding of underlying principles. Basically, you're good at synthesizing data on a superficial level. Intelligence, to her, meant that you were pretty much book smart. An intelligent person can read, understand, and then synthesize data based on this understanding. So there are certain domains that an intelligent person would excel in that a smart person couldn't and vice versa. You can be both smart and intelligent, or one or the other, or neither :) My mom feels that she is smart and that I am intelligent. A superficial example is the fact that I couldn't find my way out of a paper bag b/c I'd probably overthink it and get lost, but my mom would get out in record timing. I think the underlying principle is that smart people rely on instincts that are particularly attuned to their environment and their work, whereas intelligent people rely more on their knowledge base and intellect. I always liked my mom's definition of the two, so regardless of whether its valid I still stick to it when describing a person.
But I digress. So my bf's smart, and sometimes impresses me with his wealth of knowledge on topics he spends no time thinking about in a given day. But smart doesn't always get you where you need to go, just the same as intelligence can actually hinder a person. So in my head, even if you think you're smart enough to do well on a test, maybe you should sit your ass down and study just to make SURE you are not making assumptions about your intelligence level. But more importantly, my bf seems almost allergic to intellectual persuits. He left UCSD, an arguably good school, to go to Cal Poly, an O.K. school, why? B/c he didn't like the social life at UCSD and he didn't like that the curriculum focused on pontificating to no end. He found the exercise of thinking endlessly about something to be useless. Cal Poly offered a different curriculum. Apparently a major part of Cal Poly's focus is to teach its students how to be the best at their trade. And that's what he enjoyed.
That's fine, but I guess I've always felt that the move from UCSD to Cal Poly is a defining part of who he is. He is O.K. with not being the best if it means enjoying the moment for what it is. That's ok I guess. The problem with this view though is that if you're constantly choosing to enjoy the moment rather than exercising some degree of delayed gratification, when do you ever get to where you want to go?
I admit that I'm almost TOO good at delaying gratification, and living from moment-to-moment can be a good thing. But at some point, I feel the latter way of life impairs your upward movement - socially, intellectually, financially, career-wise. More than that, I'm also really coming to terms with the fact that I won't be the same me in 4 years. Med school is a process that breaks you down so it can build you back up. My undergrad experience was the same way and I became a better person for it. But, it makes all the more sense to me now why couples rarely make it through the ordeal. People can change dramatically in the way they think and behave in just 4 years. Yeah, they may be the same people at their core, but the process lends itself to a lot of transformation. Therein lays the problem - instead of growing closer to a partner, you can actually grow farther and farther apart. So instead of becoming 100% for each other you may get down to 75% or 50%.
As I talked to my bf tonight I thought to myself, OMG! can I imagine talking to him after having a full shift in the PICU about how he just got back from Hooters? Ahh heelllz no. And I think that's why I was pushing so hard for him to go to grad school, b/c I know, if he doesn't take the time to emerse himself in deep intellectual pursuits, we are going to be in different universes when I get out of school.
I've decided that I'm no longer going to push him to do anything. I can't force what will or won't happen. If he chooses not to go to grad school that has to do with who he fundamentally is and I've heard enough stories about how trying to "change a man" just does not work. Except for the longest time I didn't think I was changing him. I thought he wanted the same things I wanted. But maybe we don't really want the same things...
Before I got off the phone with him he asked me if I was doing anything tonight. "No, I'm studying." "Isn't there anything going on?" "There is always something going on. I just choose not to participate b/c I need to study. And for that matter, I've lived in this area long enough to know that, ain't nothing special going to happen if I do go out. And I'm in med school and I need to devote time to this." He then went on to say how he and his best friend were just talking about that fact - that I was in med school, and not only med school but a prestigous one, and how it must be insane blah blah blah.
Part of me still wonders if I am judging him prematurely. In a conversation I had with him a while back I learned that he feels strange about turning 30 (he's currently 27) and that he wants to get all of his "saturday nights hangin at the bar" days out now since when he turns 30 he feels that he'll be too old to go out anymore... Plus I'm just so used to people who are constantly achieving amazing things even at a young age that I wonder if my vision of what's acceptable at what age is a bit skewed. But do these doubts even matter? I mean its not like he's going to wake up on his 30th b-day and think, wow I'm 30 now, time to get more serious than I've ever been!
Sigh, I don't know anymore. Having the conversation with my mom was definetly eye opening. I used to think that focusing on the future was for the best. For me, seeing the forest was way more awe inspiring than seeing the trees. But now I'm starting to understand that if all you are looking at is forest, how can you trully understand the individual parts that it is comprised of? I will try to live more for the moment and try to realize that I can't just hope that things will get better. I have to make things feel worth doing everyday.. well at least frequently enough that I don't want to impale myself on something sharp :-/ And with all of this gained perspective, I also know that I can't force people to do things that they don't want to do b/c their lack of desire to do them may reflect who they are rather than just the nature of the thing. If that makes any sense...
Rambling terminated :)
In an earlier post I wrote about advice a friend gave me about choosing between a fixer upper and a modern home - go with the modern home. In other words, if I find that my bf's traits aren't exactly compatible with my own, I can find someone who fits perfectly.
I still don't know if I agree with the perfect fit, but as I am slowly learning how to see what's here today, instead of fantasizing about the future, I'm starting to wonder if the 5% that my bf doesn't have is the 5% that I NEED to have.
Earlier in the week he asked me what I was going to do w/ my weekend. I told him I was so behind that I was going to spend the whole weekend studying. He said that since he had to take the GRE on Monday that he was going to spend the weekend studying as well.
Well yesterday he called me drunk. I don't usually associate drunkeness with the ability to get much work done the following day, so I assumed right there that his plan to study would be shot to hell, regardless of the impending exam. I couldn't blame him too much since it was his father's birthday and his family did all plan to go out for dinner, so thats ok. I was feeling especially crappy about other things yesterday so I didn't much feel like talking to a drunk bf so I sort of cut him off and hung up on him. He called back asking if I was mad at him and I briefly told him that I wasn't and that I was having issues with other things. He probed further, but again, there is no use talking to a drunk person about something important when you are in fact sober, so I told him that there really was no point in talking about it and that I'd talk to him later. He then asked "are you on the rag?" I told him no, then hung up. I swear if he was in my presence I would have punched him in the face.
Today I was attempting to procrastinate so I called him later in the evening. I knew he was driving from the noise in the background and I thought, hm, I thought you were going to study, but it sounds like you're going to get drunk again.. so again so much for that. I really shouldn't have asked what he was up to since it just pissed me off further. "Yeah we just went to Hooters, it was disappointing, now we're going to some bar. blah blah blah." Again, annoyed and not wanting to really talk about what was annoying me I told him I had to go back to work. He wouldn't let me get off the phone and kept asking me inane questions - probably sensing my annoyance and trying to combat it - and ended up apologizing for his "on the rag" comment. If nothing else, my bf is good at knowing what pisses me off and apologizing for it if he can. But there are other things that would probably make him feel bad for admitting so he doesnt mention them. Like the fact that he scrapped the whole studying plan. He probably knows that I am judging him on this but doesnt want to say anything about it b/c hey, what's the point. It would only make him feel bad for not being able to stick to his plan.
After I got off the phone with him I started thinking w/ a new perspective. In my hopes of building a future together, I kind of ignored/downplayed our potential incompatabilites. My bf's a smart guy; not intelligent but smart. - My mom used to hammer in the difference between smart and intelligent in our discussions when I was younger. To her, smart means that you are able to make decisions quickly based on few facts and little understanding of underlying principles. Basically, you're good at synthesizing data on a superficial level. Intelligence, to her, meant that you were pretty much book smart. An intelligent person can read, understand, and then synthesize data based on this understanding. So there are certain domains that an intelligent person would excel in that a smart person couldn't and vice versa. You can be both smart and intelligent, or one or the other, or neither :) My mom feels that she is smart and that I am intelligent. A superficial example is the fact that I couldn't find my way out of a paper bag b/c I'd probably overthink it and get lost, but my mom would get out in record timing. I think the underlying principle is that smart people rely on instincts that are particularly attuned to their environment and their work, whereas intelligent people rely more on their knowledge base and intellect. I always liked my mom's definition of the two, so regardless of whether its valid I still stick to it when describing a person.
But I digress. So my bf's smart, and sometimes impresses me with his wealth of knowledge on topics he spends no time thinking about in a given day. But smart doesn't always get you where you need to go, just the same as intelligence can actually hinder a person. So in my head, even if you think you're smart enough to do well on a test, maybe you should sit your ass down and study just to make SURE you are not making assumptions about your intelligence level. But more importantly, my bf seems almost allergic to intellectual persuits. He left UCSD, an arguably good school, to go to Cal Poly, an O.K. school, why? B/c he didn't like the social life at UCSD and he didn't like that the curriculum focused on pontificating to no end. He found the exercise of thinking endlessly about something to be useless. Cal Poly offered a different curriculum. Apparently a major part of Cal Poly's focus is to teach its students how to be the best at their trade. And that's what he enjoyed.
That's fine, but I guess I've always felt that the move from UCSD to Cal Poly is a defining part of who he is. He is O.K. with not being the best if it means enjoying the moment for what it is. That's ok I guess. The problem with this view though is that if you're constantly choosing to enjoy the moment rather than exercising some degree of delayed gratification, when do you ever get to where you want to go?
I admit that I'm almost TOO good at delaying gratification, and living from moment-to-moment can be a good thing. But at some point, I feel the latter way of life impairs your upward movement - socially, intellectually, financially, career-wise. More than that, I'm also really coming to terms with the fact that I won't be the same me in 4 years. Med school is a process that breaks you down so it can build you back up. My undergrad experience was the same way and I became a better person for it. But, it makes all the more sense to me now why couples rarely make it through the ordeal. People can change dramatically in the way they think and behave in just 4 years. Yeah, they may be the same people at their core, but the process lends itself to a lot of transformation. Therein lays the problem - instead of growing closer to a partner, you can actually grow farther and farther apart. So instead of becoming 100% for each other you may get down to 75% or 50%.
As I talked to my bf tonight I thought to myself, OMG! can I imagine talking to him after having a full shift in the PICU about how he just got back from Hooters? Ahh heelllz no. And I think that's why I was pushing so hard for him to go to grad school, b/c I know, if he doesn't take the time to emerse himself in deep intellectual pursuits, we are going to be in different universes when I get out of school.
I've decided that I'm no longer going to push him to do anything. I can't force what will or won't happen. If he chooses not to go to grad school that has to do with who he fundamentally is and I've heard enough stories about how trying to "change a man" just does not work. Except for the longest time I didn't think I was changing him. I thought he wanted the same things I wanted. But maybe we don't really want the same things...
Before I got off the phone with him he asked me if I was doing anything tonight. "No, I'm studying." "Isn't there anything going on?" "There is always something going on. I just choose not to participate b/c I need to study. And for that matter, I've lived in this area long enough to know that, ain't nothing special going to happen if I do go out. And I'm in med school and I need to devote time to this." He then went on to say how he and his best friend were just talking about that fact - that I was in med school, and not only med school but a prestigous one, and how it must be insane blah blah blah.
Part of me still wonders if I am judging him prematurely. In a conversation I had with him a while back I learned that he feels strange about turning 30 (he's currently 27) and that he wants to get all of his "saturday nights hangin at the bar" days out now since when he turns 30 he feels that he'll be too old to go out anymore... Plus I'm just so used to people who are constantly achieving amazing things even at a young age that I wonder if my vision of what's acceptable at what age is a bit skewed. But do these doubts even matter? I mean its not like he's going to wake up on his 30th b-day and think, wow I'm 30 now, time to get more serious than I've ever been!
Sigh, I don't know anymore. Having the conversation with my mom was definetly eye opening. I used to think that focusing on the future was for the best. For me, seeing the forest was way more awe inspiring than seeing the trees. But now I'm starting to understand that if all you are looking at is forest, how can you trully understand the individual parts that it is comprised of? I will try to live more for the moment and try to realize that I can't just hope that things will get better. I have to make things feel worth doing everyday.. well at least frequently enough that I don't want to impale myself on something sharp :-/ And with all of this gained perspective, I also know that I can't force people to do things that they don't want to do b/c their lack of desire to do them may reflect who they are rather than just the nature of the thing. If that makes any sense...
Rambling terminated :)
Labels: aggrevation, compatibility, future, present, Things
posted by GyangBang | 10:15 PM
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