Why Nice Guys Finish Last
While I love my boyfriend, I am starting to realize a lot of things about relationships that I never understood before since I was never in one long enough to call it "real." While it took a hell of a lot of patience and manuevering (i.e. manipulation.. sorta) to get my boyfriend into a relationship, now that we've been together for a combined 8 months, he's practically putty in my hands. Yesterday he so succinctly verbalized it, "If thats what my girl wants, thats what my girl gets." It was cute, but I later thought, hm.. I'm bored. I started realizing that this comfortable/bored feeling may be the cause of people cheating. No, no, I don't want to cheat on him. The thought of having someone else touch me isn't appealing, but I can see a possible reason for why others cheat. Also, it reminded me of this article about passion in relationships. Since I was always starting and ending relationships pretty quickly, or just casually dating, the only side to relationships I knew was passion. The article was mostly speaking to women, but I think it applies to both sexes. As soon as someone in the relationship lets the other person know that they can have them in any way they please, the passion dies. Sad times, now I'm one of those idiots wishing the spark could last forever, even though I know such things don't have that kind of shelf life. But it does speak to the old saying, "Nice guys (girls)finish last." I don't know why early love is built on the tension of not knowing how someone feels, but it IS. And once you know how that person feels, for a while its great. But then after a while for people like me who are always looking for a challenge, a new challenge must be found - either by breaking up or getting a new hobby outside of the relationship thats challenging.. I think med school fits the bill :-/
I started to internally freak out after I realized that this relationship has become comfortable. "Does that mean this is the end?" "Is he not the right guy?" Then I remembered a passage I read in "The Female Brain." I skimmed through my bookcase, found the book, and reread the chapter. It almost verbatim quoted my current thoughst - words that I had read before but never understood their meaning or what they felt like. The chapter explains that a young woman had gone to the psychiatrist (who wrote the book) after a year into her relationship with a guy named "Rob." When they first met the woman couldn't stand to be apart from him. She cherished every minute they spent together, hearing his voice, being next to him, everything for the first five months. But then after a year, she didn't feel that spark anymore. She liked seeing Rob, but her heart didn't flutter the way it used to. (Hm, ok, sounds like my situation) She too was probably getting comfortable and a bit bored. Thats when she went to the psychiatrist looking for answers. Why didn't her relationship feel the same way it did during those first 5 months? Well apparently what happens is, in the initial "falling in love" phase, there are huge surges of dopamine when you interact w/ the person you are attracted to. Dopamine works on your "reward" centers and you're on cloud 9. After some time, which varies from person to person, dopamine levels start to fall off, and women get an increase in oxcytocin, and men receive increases in vasopressin. Respectively, these chemicals are in charge of pair bonding for each sex. So the couple moves from the fast and furious stage to the long-term commitment phase. The psychiatrist explains that this is evolutionarily to the advantage of the couple, since it would be hard to raise kids if you were obsessed with each other. So the bonding stage is supposed to prepare you to stay committed to each other, but at the same time attend to other things in your life, such as raising kids. Ok, this makes sense. The story went on, and Rob had forgotten to call his girlfriend one day and she FLIPPED OUT. Ok, I don't know why once would make a person flip out. (Actually I start to get nervous if I don't hear back from my bf by a certain time when I feel he should call.. ok I guess I'm not above this behavior either.) The girlfriend ended up explaining how freaked out she got to Rob and shortly after they realized how much them meant to each other and got engaged. Um ok, the story could be made up, but the point is that its what happens to a lot of couples. You go from fast and furious to cruise control.
I'm not used to cruise control though, but since I am mature on some levels, I understand that it doesn't mean the love is gone. Another thing that makes way more sense to me now is what I've heard older adults say time and time again, "Love is not enough." The feeling of being in love with someone isn't going to sustain a relationship, b/c eventually those feelings aren't present 24/7 and they kind of fade to the background. If there aren't other things that draw you to a person such as mutual respect, mutual admiration, mutual appreciation, well then, you're probably just going to break up. I understand this now.
I started thinking more about why I feel so "bored." And I realized that A - the dopamine surges have dampened the "spark" and that's natural, and B - I'm so stressed with med school right now, my libido is practically gone. Its the equivalent of a man not being able to get it up.. really, its sad. I read in the same book that cortisol blocks oxytocin receptors in women so stress reduces libido.
So in conclusion, the relationship has hit cruise control, which is all too new for me. Being stressed + lack of dopamine = an unexcite-able and boring chick. None of these things are my boyfriend's fault. Plus, I'm reminded of all the stuff he's done that he didn't have to do but did because he is who he is. It's almost instinct for him to be a good person. Not to mention the fact that he freely offered to watch my dog (a dog he H-A-T-E-S) for the 3 weeks I'll be on vacation without me having to bring it up or ask. Maybe these are things that boyfriends are just supposed to do anyway but seeing how lazy I am in the realtionship, I appreciate it anyway. So I just need to get through finals and finally get my mojo back :-/
I started to internally freak out after I realized that this relationship has become comfortable. "Does that mean this is the end?" "Is he not the right guy?" Then I remembered a passage I read in "The Female Brain." I skimmed through my bookcase, found the book, and reread the chapter. It almost verbatim quoted my current thoughst - words that I had read before but never understood their meaning or what they felt like. The chapter explains that a young woman had gone to the psychiatrist (who wrote the book) after a year into her relationship with a guy named "Rob." When they first met the woman couldn't stand to be apart from him. She cherished every minute they spent together, hearing his voice, being next to him, everything for the first five months. But then after a year, she didn't feel that spark anymore. She liked seeing Rob, but her heart didn't flutter the way it used to. (Hm, ok, sounds like my situation) She too was probably getting comfortable and a bit bored. Thats when she went to the psychiatrist looking for answers. Why didn't her relationship feel the same way it did during those first 5 months? Well apparently what happens is, in the initial "falling in love" phase, there are huge surges of dopamine when you interact w/ the person you are attracted to. Dopamine works on your "reward" centers and you're on cloud 9. After some time, which varies from person to person, dopamine levels start to fall off, and women get an increase in oxcytocin, and men receive increases in vasopressin. Respectively, these chemicals are in charge of pair bonding for each sex. So the couple moves from the fast and furious stage to the long-term commitment phase. The psychiatrist explains that this is evolutionarily to the advantage of the couple, since it would be hard to raise kids if you were obsessed with each other. So the bonding stage is supposed to prepare you to stay committed to each other, but at the same time attend to other things in your life, such as raising kids. Ok, this makes sense. The story went on, and Rob had forgotten to call his girlfriend one day and she FLIPPED OUT. Ok, I don't know why once would make a person flip out. (Actually I start to get nervous if I don't hear back from my bf by a certain time when I feel he should call.. ok I guess I'm not above this behavior either.) The girlfriend ended up explaining how freaked out she got to Rob and shortly after they realized how much them meant to each other and got engaged. Um ok, the story could be made up, but the point is that its what happens to a lot of couples. You go from fast and furious to cruise control.
I'm not used to cruise control though, but since I am mature on some levels, I understand that it doesn't mean the love is gone. Another thing that makes way more sense to me now is what I've heard older adults say time and time again, "Love is not enough." The feeling of being in love with someone isn't going to sustain a relationship, b/c eventually those feelings aren't present 24/7 and they kind of fade to the background. If there aren't other things that draw you to a person such as mutual respect, mutual admiration, mutual appreciation, well then, you're probably just going to break up. I understand this now.
I started thinking more about why I feel so "bored." And I realized that A - the dopamine surges have dampened the "spark" and that's natural, and B - I'm so stressed with med school right now, my libido is practically gone. Its the equivalent of a man not being able to get it up.. really, its sad. I read in the same book that cortisol blocks oxytocin receptors in women so stress reduces libido.
So in conclusion, the relationship has hit cruise control, which is all too new for me. Being stressed + lack of dopamine = an unexcite-able and boring chick. None of these things are my boyfriend's fault. Plus, I'm reminded of all the stuff he's done that he didn't have to do but did because he is who he is. It's almost instinct for him to be a good person. Not to mention the fact that he freely offered to watch my dog (a dog he H-A-T-E-S) for the 3 weeks I'll be on vacation without me having to bring it up or ask. Maybe these are things that boyfriends are just supposed to do anyway but seeing how lazy I am in the realtionship, I appreciate it anyway. So I just need to get through finals and finally get my mojo back :-/
Labels: Love, Mojo, relationships, The Female Brain
posted by GyangBang | 8:28 PM
3 Comments:
OK, interesting points you bring up. No more hunt = no more spice. Maybe. The question is, "What is the cure?" If we exclude bouncing around from person to person in order to maintain passion, the only other option is (as the title indicates) to be with a not-nice guy. I guess I'm thinking, nice guys may be too easy, but are cold selfish guys preferable? That's just my two cents (that doesn't really shed much light on anything) worth of "it could be worse!"
As for your pooch, awww...who would hate Max? :-)
Yeah, a cold, heartless guy would not be a good alternative. I don't even like being on emotional rollercoasters, so I don't really know what my point is, except to say, I now understand a lot of talking points about relationships that I never gave the time of day before. Like, "In relationships, you have to work to keep the passion alive." Ok I guess that makes sense, but to actually experience what that means is different. I mean I definetly don't want the opposite of what I have, and I think it takes women a long time to get there sometimes - the bad guy isn't all that he's cracked up to be. And after the "new love" phase wears off w/ a person, you realize that no, he's not going to ride in on a new motorcycle and take you away, or no he's not going to leave you hanging for a week at a time only to wonder if he's dead somewhere. Its a GOOD thing, just not as exciting as a rollercoaster ride :) And while I love Max, he isn't the worlds best trained dog.. I'll admit I've spoiled him a bit.. so more my fault than his :)
Sure, I understand your point. One "silver lining" if you will is that there is much to be said for a faithful, long term relationship - even one of only moderate passion. Now this is idealistic and inexperienced me talking, but I think fidelity in and of itself is a kind of passion, something arousing. If there was truly passion at the beginning, then I'd know that was the girl for me. Even when the sexual excitement wore off, I'd know that I'm giving myself to perhaps the one person in the world who could care about me that much, to that depth. I'd know I have a friend who will always be there and a lover who will always welcome my touch. Now, this is of course only how I *imagine* it will feel; you (being in a relationship) are much more of an authority on this subject than I. But I hope that silver lining does exist and can be seen as something truly great - despite the passion it may slightly displace. :-)
Something tells me your spoiling of Max won't get any better now that Christmas is coming. :-D Are you going to buy him tennis shoes and a nice sweater? :-)
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