It's hard but I'm trying

I once heard a saying that didn't make much sense at the time. Something about, "to wait at a street corner for no one is powerful." Or maybe it was a bus stop. But why would you wait at a bus stop of you weren't waiting for anyone?

In any case, the point of the quote was to say that those who truly are happy with themselves and their lives need no one and more importantly don't suffer from jealousy or envy.

My mom has been trying to get me to become this way, and while I've learned theoretically never to be envious of anyone - we've all got our own issues in life - at a basic level its kind of hard to not have a reaction of envy these days.

Here I sit at a desk - my desk, the libraries desk, a classroom desk - caged in by my school obligations and I look out to other people. I have friends who just quit their job and became beach bums, I have friends who are in their 20s having the time of their lives, I have friends who seem to have a lot of things figured out, and I can't help but be envious. I know that this med school thing is for me. I know that I will be greatful when I graduate to finally be able to do what *I* want to do and not feel like someone's bitch for the rest of my life.. and yet, I still wish that for a moment, I can be free from all of these obligations and be the pure and simple, me.

But alas, I slave away learning names of muscles, nerves, drugs, bugs... for the most part I find interest in joy in the endeavor but again, there are the moments where I wonder how long I can handle delaying gratification.

I have this sad feeling that when I finally make it out of this all I'm going to look back on my 20s with some regret. For a long while I felt that I had "lived it up" while in college and during my break from school and all of "that" is out of my system. But when I look over to friends who are spending their 20s doing what they FEEL they want to do and not what they THINK they should be doing, I can't help but wish I could do whatever I FELT like.

I'm going to have to reconcile this all.. and hopefully soon. Maybe I can find a way to take meaningful breaks from all the work so I don't feel that I'm squandering my 20s as I sit at one desk after another learning..all..the..time..living..never.

It reminds me of the sports medicine resident I ran into while I was a junior in college. She was bitter; really bitter. "Medical school is not worth it. I just did it because I had an ego. Am I ever going to remember the drug names from pharmacology? No. So much of it was useless. I'm 3o I don't own my own car, I don't own my own house. I have friends who have all of that and their married. I'd advise you not to do it. Just be a PA. You'll make as much money and you'll get out of school faster."

After getting into medical school I laughed it off as just a bitter person who didn't plan properly. But now I know.. this choice this early in life kinda sucks. And at the end I may feel robbed of my youth.

Then again, I've always felt robbed of my youth. I was made responsible for a lot of things early on, so what's the big deal now?

I don't know.. just tired of always being responsible I guess. I think this means I need a vacation. A vacation where I lay on some beach and think of nothing but how much I love the warm sun... 2 months and counting until that dream can even become a possiblity... :-/