The workings of a fickle mind

Just Wednesday I was blogging about how I was toying with the idea of coaxing my roommate into a relationship. I believe by Friday afternoon I decided that eh, its best not to date a roommate, I'll start trying to date other people. Lo and behold by Friday evening my roommate and I decided to give it a shot and date. Good idea? Bad idea? The sad part is that I don't really know.. the answer to the question changes depending on my mood and the amount of free time I have to spend thinking of something that gets me nowhere. I'm actually starting to think that I am a fickle person because I mentally get tired of looking at something from the same angle. I need to constantly change my mind to stave off boredom! Or so I tell myself..

So what has changed post Friday's decision? Weirdly enough, not much of anything. I guess that goes to show how much we were in denial about what was going on since the pre-dating and dating periods aren't demarcated by any change in behavior. I mean, now he wants to pay for stuff more.. and has been more considerate than usual.. but yeah, thats about it..

The sad part was after the decision was made I started wondering how long we'd last. A week? A month? A day? Well we made it past a day.. but can we make it a week?? Its just that living with someone you date isn't that exciting.. you're not jittery about whether or not they'll call b/c well, you'll see them when you get home. You're not so anxious about proving anything to them to make them like you more b/c well hey, if you're living together and dating, you damn well like someone a lot to put up w/ the idea of seeing them EVERY SINGLE DAY!

I also realize that I'm more freaked out about the idea of dating someone I live with b/c I SUCK at relationships. It's like someone who is a horrible driver and has a long history of accidents then saying, hey! I want to drive in the Indy 500.. probably not the best idea.. I say I suck b/c my actions in a relationship are not so much based on the preservation of the relationship and creating happiness for both parties (i.e. being successful at relationships) but more preservation of my own happiness (i.e. being bad at relationships). Oh and should I also mention how emotionally closed off I am?

So knowing that in all likelihood this whole thing might not go so well, why have I still decided to do it? Well, I'm starting to really believe in the idea that everyone you meet in your life serves a purpose. There are a bunch of purposes I guess. Some people encourage inner growth, some people help you careerwise, and of course there are some who will ruffle your feathers enough to encourage you to look at your surroundings, and yourself for that matter, in a different light. For instance, Mr. Net and I hardly dated. Apparently I wasn't "into him enough," well, which I wasn't, but he helped bring out another side of me.. a "nicer" more emo me. Mr. Net was so emo I couldn't help but be nice to him and respond to him in kind.. I'm glad I learned that part of me exists.. So I'm hoping to learn more from this experience I guess..

Trial and error my friend... trial and error..