Ambivalence - The Silent Killer (of Relationships)

So I usually have no trouble talking about faults in men, whether in general, or the specific faults of the men I interact with. One key problem that I addressed a while back (See: Friday, March 25, 2005) is the sheer ambivalence men have for relationships and marriage today. It wasn't until recently that I realized I TOO am so extremely ambivalent about relationships that eventually they just fall apart.

I discovered my ambivalence when I had a drunken conversation with my ex's best friend. He was confused about the dynamics of relationships and particularly why one woman he knows always puts up with her husband's crap. I told him that the husband knew what he was doing when he married her. Most people aren't apt to changing their ways. Instead they find people who validate them or put up with their crapola and then they befriend them or marry them (e.g. this guy and his wife). We started talking about breaking up and/or walking away from marriages. I (hazily) remember telling him that in relationships, a lot of the time, one person has to be more invested in it than the other person. The person who is more invested is then in charge of keeping the other person involved. I gave him the example of my ex and I. When we broke up it was more of us both agreeing that it was for the best. If he were more invested in the relationship than I was, he wouldn't have agreed so easily, and vice versa.

Since I have to see my ex practically every day, its hard for me to ignore the dynamics of our relationship. There are sometimes I look at him or he does something and I think "wow, he's awesome." And there are other times I want to smack him across the face. But overall my feelings are still positive towards him. Even so, I couldn't see myself attempting to initiate getting back together. Why? Well, it's because I am extremely ambivalent. I want to be with him, but then I don't want to be with him. He's a good guy, but is he good enough? etc, etc, etc.

I don't know if my ambivalence comes from my attachment issues, which is what is attributed to male ambivalence. But I do know that it definetly comes from what my mother raised me to believe. For most of my life my mother told me it was a bad idea to get married. "Don't depend on any man" was her motto and for the longest time I believed it - and still do. I finally decided during my college years that I did in fact want to get married. I saw how hard my mother struggled to raise kids on her own and if I'm going to have kids, I don't want to go it alone. With that said, would I know a good prospect for marriage if I met him? I'm starting to wonder because in objectively evaluating my ex, he'd be a good candidate - respects his parents, loves pets, wants to get married and have kids some day, good earning potential, etc. Yet, I'm not willing to hold on to that. Why? On the surface level there is the idea that "I can always do better!" There are more attractive guys out there, there are guys who make more money, etc. But truthfully, I'm starting to think that deep down I don't value marriage that much in the first place, and because I'm unsure of what the outcome will be, I'm also weary about getting involved with someone who I could eventually marry. I can totally see myself moving on to someone else who would be a good candidate for marriage but then finding something wrong in the person, becoming ambivalent, and having the relationship fall apart again.

But what's the alternative really? The alternative would be spending my 20's repeating the same pattern until my biological clock ticked so loud I clawed into any man I could find and finally settled down with him. That would be sad, sad times.

So what to do now? Well, I'm not entirely sure of the whole "you know the one when you meet them" thing. Because if I am truly ambivalent, even if I felt it, I'd probably dismiss it. But I do realize that I'm still 22. So my current plan of action is to give myself until the age of 24 and see what happens. By 24 if I still havent "met the one" (whatever) or if I find myself constantly ending relationships over stupid reasons, I will start seriously working on my dating habits.

Until then, I'll do what everyone else does, claim - he wasnt for me, over and over and over and over again until I not only confront, but actually CHANGE my self-defeating behaviors.