OK, I'm over it

So in chatting with a friend today, and even in just blogging about the issue, I have gained more clarity on why I have such a strong gut reaction to someone I don't know. And I realized its more than just "not feeling special." I mean there are only 4 black people in my entire med school class, how much more "special" do I want to feel? So it more has to do with my sense of fairness. Is it fair that I have to deal with X and this person only deals with Y and we get to the same place?

Well this is going to sound creepy, but I'm going to go ahead and say it. In an effort to confront my feelings and try to fix them, or at least find out their source, I used face book. She didn't have much about herself listed but I looked at her friend comments. And friend after friend wrote, "Congrats. I know you wanted to go there really badly!"

It reminded me of a conversation I had with her a while back where she asked me if I knew S; S as in my former biatch roommate. When I told her what S was up to she practically did a dance. She told me how S thought she was SO much better than her because S skipped a grade and went to Stanford and now S is workin' retail.

So here is a girl who didn't get into her top school for undergrad and had a burning passion to return for grad school and prove to the S biatch and everyone else that she is worthy to grace the halls of her top choice school. Apparently she did a bunch of lab research on lord knows what, but damn. I gotta respect someone who works that hard to get somewhere.. meanwhile I spent my college days partying way too much, writing papers about stuff I don't even remember now, and applied to my alma mater on a whim and here I am... so I guess.. different paths for different people.

I am settled now and am at peace with myself... for now I think this summer I'm going to take some meditation class.. I think it can do wonders for someone like me who is constantly all over the place!

Sigh