In crisis...

It is my firm belief that only in crisis can we know that we truly love someone. Until then, it is merely speculation. Many people may never have their love tested by tragic or truly uncomfortable events, but I find that crisis is a clear winner as a barometer for love for many reasons.

Firstly, many of us are delusional or, to be nicer, unaware about the reasons we love a person. A lot of love is selfish. And I've wondered why for a long time, but came to understand that the only other highly charged emotional relationships in our lives are the relationships with our parents. Most people can be destroyed by a single word or action on the part of their parents. And when we enter relationships, its as if we're looking for that approval our parents either always gave to us, sometimes gave to us, or never gave to us. Depending on the degree to which we felt loved by our parents (either mother or father), we will continue to look for it in our partners. For example, if someone was doted on as a child, they will expect it from a significant other. If someone was neglected by a certain parent, they may stay in bad relationships where their needs are neglected because they have come to expect it.

So in essence, many of us just want approval from someone else, that we are loveable and that our existence is worth being jived about. For others still, if they aren't in a relationship they feel like they're missing their life's blood. Nothing that I've said so far is rocket science, but I guess my point is, IF your relationship with your partner is built on a sense of need for approval, which I would deem to be immature love, then once your partner stopped offering you that sense of approval or you stopped feeling it, the relationship would be over. The reasons for lapses in approval may be reasonable - they're working on their career, they have to deal with a life crisis, they have grown as a person, etc - but the result would be the same, "no more love." I don't call that kind of love real love for another person. Or maybe the better way to put it is that its a shade of love that is too tenuous to count on in the long term. That kind of love is love of built on selfish needs and desires; a love that can only be sustained while the partner is making you feel exactly how you're accustomed to feeling due to your prior experience with your parents.

Crisis then becomes the real test. Could you still love this person if they changed? Could you grow with them? Would you still love this person if they couldn't focus on you as much as you would like them to? If this person came down with a horrible disease, would you still be by their side?

I think a lot of us would like to believe that we would say "yes" to all of the afformentioned questions, but then again I'm not sure that everyone is truthful with themselves.

So if that's immature love, what do other, stronger kinds of love look like? Well, I think there is a type of love that can be based completely on our sense of self and our identity, but is not selfish. Its the "soulmates" kind of love where we see in our opposite gender the person we are. And if we love who we are, we love them just as much. Many people aren't in love with themselves though.. so that's an issue. Then there is the "mature love." The kind of love where you first have to admit to yourself that you are choosing to love this person for reasons that are not superficial - if they are superficial if any of the parameters aren't met you'll just leave. With this choice, you also have to have an overwhelming sense of duty. "I told this person that I loved them, and when I said it I meant it. Given that, even during the times that I am not in love with this person, I will not bail on them." And to be honest, I don't think love must necessarily be tied to marriage. I legally can't marry any of my girlfriends, yet in my true friendships, I'd like to think there is mature love involved.

These are just some of my random thoughts though.. I'm sure there are many a psychiatrist who are better than I am at breaking these thoughts down. They also use fancy words like "ego and shadow."