I finally get it

When my bf got his panties all in a bunch after I got into medical school I couldn't really understand his reaction. I noticed that he just kept distancing himself after I got in and it didn't make sense to me, even if I could reason through why he might have been taken aback. I could understand the whole "oh you'll be in a land of eligible bachelors and I may not measure up" thing. But I always felt like things like that shouldn't have mattered to him since I thought he was so awesome and usually hated the types of guys that went to my school.

But alas, I found out recently that I may have understood some of his thoughts on a certain level but it is only now that I can truly relate. After getting back from his basic training "finals" he called over the weekend and told me about his future plans. He got in to the school of his dreams, which I already knew and was more than happy for him about, and also got into law school. I thought this was awesome too... Until he said, "Yeah and if I get straight A's I can retake the LSAT again and maybe get into the law school."

I wanted to be happy for him, but I found myself expressing a weak, "Yeah!" instead of a confident, wholehearted one. After I got off the phone with him I found myself feeling bummed! Lol. I know its silly but all that ran through my head is "Oh no! I might get knocked off my pedastal! Now that he knows he can achieve these things, he might not feel the same way about me."

This is completely ridiculous given that I was a huge cheerleader for him in this whole process. I tried my best to help him as much as I can, even meeting with people in the engineering department and asking about the admissions process. But now that he may go above and beyond that, which is GREAT, I just feel that I hold no real "power" in the relationship anymore. Which means he could start to feel differently and meet someone else :-/

I talked to a friend about it and she asked, "Why do you need to hold on to any power in the relationship?" Um, I don't know, I replied. But I guess it makes me feel safe. She finally warned me that I should watch myself carefully and try not to "project" things onto him in an effort to sabotage the relationship due to my issues with power in a relationship.

Fair enough. I guess I know how it feels now. When roles change in and out of a relationship it can feel kind of strange. I guess this will be a lesson in "maturity." Can I really love and feel comfortable without feeling like I need to hold something over my partner?

This all remains to be seen... he gets back in a week!!!!