I'm Better Because...

Have you ever had that moment in your life where your definition of good, important, or worthwhile differed greatly from someone else's opinion of what was good, important, or worthwhile? There may have even been a hint of jealousy in your assumptions. I call this the "I'm better because" moment.

In college I struggled to keep up w/ people who seemed so much smarter, funnier, richer. By the end of sophomore year though, I found my own niche. I found that I didn't have to work harder, but smarter and that having a "creative" fashion sense and being social was worth more than slaving away in the library week after week just to earn an A+. So for me, I was better because the nerd who got an A+ wasn't as fun to be around, had terrible fashion sense, and a narrow perspective.

Then came medical school. My classmates can be a royal pain mostly because they are the same people I made fun of when I was an undergrad. Their views on many things are so myopic that sometimes I want to puke.

But I realized something today. I just got an email informing me that, surprise surprise, I didn't get the TAship that I really wanted. I was down for a minute but then thought, oh well, less work for me, plus my bf will be going to school with me next year so now I'll have more time to spend with him.

As I thought those thoughts, I signed on to facebook to see that one of my classmates who I can't really stand, but for whatever reason accepted her "friend" invitation announced that she got the TAship that I really wanted. Plus she also got the coveted anatomy TAship that pays like whoa.

Oh it was too easy to have an "I'm better because" moment. I'm better b/c I dont have an annoying screatchy voice, there is more going on in my life than just sitting in the library all day, aand of course, my standard "I have better perspective."

But I had to stop myself. Clearly I'm a tad jealous b/c I also wanted the TAship. Also, I find it obnoxious when people are all surprised when they get something despite walking on coals to get it. Like oh I'm so surprised I got a perfect score even though I spent 60 hours a week in the library, who would have thunk!

But besides that, I am glad that I did realize that my annoyance did stem from some jealousy and that I was able to squelch the jealous "I'm better because" urge by telling myself, hey, she worked harder, she deserves it. In life what's yours is truly yours, so clearly this TAship was not for me. Something else that better suits me will come along and I'll realize that all along it was the path of least resistance.

Then again, EVERYONE does this. Like even the guy who's a bum does this to people who live in fancy houses. "Oh those rich snobs. They have no clue what life is about! But I do!" Haha.. I don't know what the purpose of this "I'm better because" urge is.. but I guess in a way each time we do it it is because we feel that there are standards set that we have not met, and instead of saying we are a failure, we re-define said standards. For example, me not getting the TAship could mean, a.) I didn't work hard enough or b.) I'm an idiot and the person that got it is better than me academically. But instead I justify my failure by saying, a.) I just don't have the discipline to stare at a book that long and b.) I don't think the ability to stare at a book that long is really worth more than the time I spent doing I dont know what.. wasn't like I was out saving the world or anything...

Oh well.. med school has become much more of a personal learning experience than I could have imagined... I guess I shouldn't be too surprised.. even though I'm at the same school, its a different group of people and a higher set of standards in a way...

Ah well, you win some, you lose some....


And oh yes, it IS the girl that was doing the whole "whoa is me" routine when thinking of which TAship to go for. I guess she really did have a reason to be so torn. UGH