What I can't do myself, my body does for me
I used to complain about always dating emotionally unavailable guys until lo and behold I found that I too am emotionally unavailable. Not that this was entirely and epiphany since I have been called a selfish bitch with no heart before, but all the same when you realize you're the cat calling the kettle black, its kind of awkward.
In any case, my lack of ability to fully or even kind of express my emotions to other people can get in the way of many things. Family bonding, friendships, relationships, etc. Well sometimes when I can't come out and say things, my body will do the talking for me. Sometimes it involves a "breakdown/meltdown" where I spontaneously bust into tears at the smallest provocation. Sometimes, as it did the other night it involves my body completely shutting down and not wanting anyone to come near me.
As strange as this may seem to some, my freak out sessions are quite effective. For instance, I once worked 5 jobs at one time.. or was at least on 5 different payrolls, when finally I just could not deal anymore. A sane person would put in two weeks notice and call it a day. But for some reason I couldn't even accomplish that much. Quite frankly now that I think of it my inability to face management and put in two weeks notice probably has to do with being the oldest child, never wanting to dissapoint an authority figure.. geezus, I took too many psych classes. Anywho, so yeah instead of quitting I just let it get to the point where my body took over and shut my brain down. When a manager asked me a simple question I bust into tears and was allowed to go home. I never went back to that job.. good times.
Well the same thing happened, kind of, after a date. I've been dating a guy for two months and finally decided to stop being callus and actually accept the fact that I liked him; and all of a sudden shit hit the fan. After a few beers I decided I didn't want him to touch me at all. And when asked to reveal what was on my mind I sat in silence. I finally said what was on my mind, head buried underneath a pillow.. but at least said it... I said what needed to be said, something that preteen girls say to their boyfriends after dating for 2 minutes... I couldn't do it with a straight face after 2 months.. good times.
So in the end I've decided that I need to work on my emotional unavailability. No one wants to be friends with an emotional recluse.. or date one for very long. I don't really know how to go about doing this though.. I mean I guess I can hang out with a bunch of people who wear their hearts on their sleeves.. but I wouldn't even know where to find them.. Or I could read self-help books.. lord knows how I feel about those things.. hm, maybe I'll just practice by saying whats on my mind more often even when it feels like I'd have to drink until I was in a comma to somewhat mention it.
"Oh thats a nice coat." "Oh you are so funny." "Wow. You did that? That's awesome. I've always wanted to cook rice well." "Hi mom, I love you." .. hm ok maybe not so fast.
Baby steps..
In any case, my lack of ability to fully or even kind of express my emotions to other people can get in the way of many things. Family bonding, friendships, relationships, etc. Well sometimes when I can't come out and say things, my body will do the talking for me. Sometimes it involves a "breakdown/meltdown" where I spontaneously bust into tears at the smallest provocation. Sometimes, as it did the other night it involves my body completely shutting down and not wanting anyone to come near me.
As strange as this may seem to some, my freak out sessions are quite effective. For instance, I once worked 5 jobs at one time.. or was at least on 5 different payrolls, when finally I just could not deal anymore. A sane person would put in two weeks notice and call it a day. But for some reason I couldn't even accomplish that much. Quite frankly now that I think of it my inability to face management and put in two weeks notice probably has to do with being the oldest child, never wanting to dissapoint an authority figure.. geezus, I took too many psych classes. Anywho, so yeah instead of quitting I just let it get to the point where my body took over and shut my brain down. When a manager asked me a simple question I bust into tears and was allowed to go home. I never went back to that job.. good times.
Well the same thing happened, kind of, after a date. I've been dating a guy for two months and finally decided to stop being callus and actually accept the fact that I liked him; and all of a sudden shit hit the fan. After a few beers I decided I didn't want him to touch me at all. And when asked to reveal what was on my mind I sat in silence. I finally said what was on my mind, head buried underneath a pillow.. but at least said it... I said what needed to be said, something that preteen girls say to their boyfriends after dating for 2 minutes... I couldn't do it with a straight face after 2 months.. good times.
So in the end I've decided that I need to work on my emotional unavailability. No one wants to be friends with an emotional recluse.. or date one for very long. I don't really know how to go about doing this though.. I mean I guess I can hang out with a bunch of people who wear their hearts on their sleeves.. but I wouldn't even know where to find them.. Or I could read self-help books.. lord knows how I feel about those things.. hm, maybe I'll just practice by saying whats on my mind more often even when it feels like I'd have to drink until I was in a comma to somewhat mention it.
"Oh thats a nice coat." "Oh you are so funny." "Wow. You did that? That's awesome. I've always wanted to cook rice well." "Hi mom, I love you." .. hm ok maybe not so fast.
Baby steps..
posted by GyangBang | 9:38 PM
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