Why very attractive women are often very annoyed
OMG! I Heart Dr. John Gray!
Ok so I know a few posts back I said that reading advice books were bad and often made things worse, but there is ONE book that isn't like this at all. It's probably b/c the author has a PhD and isnt just some babbling idiot who may or may not even have an associates degree in ceramic healing or some such ish. ANYWAY.
"Mars and Venus on a Date" or something like that is SUCH an enlightening book on the differences between men and women and how these differences are misinterpreted and how it can lead to many disastrous ends. According to Dr. Gray (Whom I love :) ) there are 5 stages of dating: Attraction, Uncertainty, Exclusivity, Intimacy, Marriage. When a relationship moves through these five stages in the correct order, things end up well. When people try to skip steps is when shit ends up hitting the fan.
Attraction: You meet someone and think they're hot. The goal of this stage is to interact with a person enough so they can have the chance to be fully attracted and get to know you better.
Uncertainty: So you spent some time with this person (a couple days, couple months, etc) and all of a sudden you start wondering, is this the right person for me? Oh no! This isn't going to work! Maybe it will! Oooh lord! This uncertainty is perfectly normal, especially in the face of finding someone that can make you really happy. The problem with this stage is some people don't understand it and assume it means that the person isn't right for them.
Exclusivity: So you get through the first few stages and finally figure out that you want to explore a relationship together, without any side relationships.
Intimacy: This is when you can let it all hang out and really get to know everything about the other person- good and bad.
Marriage: I didn't read this ish.. I figured I wouldn't need it for a while :)
So anyway trouble happens when people try to skip shit or the two people in the relationship are at different levels. Like if a woman meets a man and he's in attraction and she's in Marriage, shit aint gonna work. If you're really in the uncertainty phase and you both jump to intimacy, shit aint gonna work. etc. etc.
So the picture should look something like this: A guy thinks you're hot stuff and asks you out, you feel flattered and accept. You start dating and then one or both of you start becoming uncertain. When guys feel uncertain they "pull away." This includes not calling you much, not calling you at all, etc. And then, we all know that "distance makes the heart grow fonder." So if he likes you enough he'll bounce back. This may be in a couple days, a week, a month. Apparently guys can forget about a girl and then it dawns on them one day, hey I really liked such and such, or I miss such and such.. and then they call back. If this is a month or so later, a woman usually wants to be all bitter. But this is no good, b/c then the guy's like geez, guess she hates me, I should stop pursuing. But say he does bounce back in reasonable time or whatever, and you're not bitter, then you can keep going etc. The important part of a guy pulling away is to not start nagging him about where the relationship is going and what not. It's not a good thing to ask when everyone's uncertain. When the uncertainty period is over you can go on to being exclusive.. Then the rest is history.. kind of.
Why I Heart Dr. Gray is b/c he helped explain something that had been plauging me through all of college. I dated guys who were kind of shitty for one reason or the other.. maybe if i expanded my playing field beyond athletes and frat boys things could have been better, but then again, I didnt want to. But I would still wonder why guys would come on so strong at first to the point where they make you think you're the love of their lives and then just go cold. According to Dr. Gray, a man is first motivated by attraction. Attraction will make him do anything to get closer to a girl, touch her more, smell her more etc.. He might think to himself, wow this is the most beautiful girl. She is perfect! I want her and only her! He might find another girl that does the same thing to him the day after meeting you! The real test is if he gets to know you and still likes you. Some guys dont even want to put in that much effort. So the initial attraction is gone and they're out of the picture. Thats just how guys are wired. As Dr. Gray explains, this is why there are so many attractive women in relationships where they're husband isn't attracted to them anymore and why there are so many attractive single women who think guys suck. It's because women take the initial attraction to mean that that man wants something more with them, like a long lasting relationship, when actually he just wants to be near a hot woman. Often times a women will let the relationship focus purely on the physical and not develop any other emotional, intellectual connections. So when the attraction wears off.. shit sucks.
So the best thing is to get to know the guy in the attraction stage instead of moving straight to intimacy. Another important point is that women often date the wrong men for them. Especially if a man is motivated by attraction to a hot woman and then things go cold, most men that approach her, who she also finds instantly attractive are probably going to be bad. Dr. Gray's advice is as follows: If you walk into a room of 30 men and there is one that turns you one immediatly STAY CLEAR!! It's not that a man you find instantly sexually attractive isn't going to be the guy for you, its just that he will most likely not be; mostly b/c you wont develop the deeper connection you need to be in any sort of meaningful relationship :) So maybe you should give that guy a chance that you can get to know and maybe down the line he'll be the one to light your fire. This is not to say that you should date that ugly dork that keeps pestering you, but maybe try dating someone who isnt necessarily your "type."
Funny how now it all makes sense to me. The guy I'm currently dating was certainly not my type at first. Not an athlete, wasnt in a frat, didn't go to Stanford or a top school, etc.. The best part of dating him though is that I don't feel I have to impress him or prove anything to him. This is exactly the attitude a woman is supposed to have. It's his job to do all the impressing and all the winning over. It's not a woman's job to make him like/love her. A woman's job is just to "recieve." It's awesome! I think everyone should try to date someone who isn't their type. It's such a freeing experience.
So in the end, all those gender roles that we're trying to bunk b/c women are more powerful now, yeah they're useful and are there for a reason. An overly aggressive woman probably has men running away from her after a while. Some things are hardwired. Reading the book made me feel so free and relaxed. As a woman all I gotta do is look pretty and chuckle at a good joke and just recieve. A guys job is to give me what I Waaant. Awesome!
Don't get me wrong, women are more powerful and yada yada.. But if you keep insisting on taking on the role of a man, you might be left to do everything yourself.. not so much fun eh?
Ok so I know a few posts back I said that reading advice books were bad and often made things worse, but there is ONE book that isn't like this at all. It's probably b/c the author has a PhD and isnt just some babbling idiot who may or may not even have an associates degree in ceramic healing or some such ish. ANYWAY.
"Mars and Venus on a Date" or something like that is SUCH an enlightening book on the differences between men and women and how these differences are misinterpreted and how it can lead to many disastrous ends. According to Dr. Gray (Whom I love :) ) there are 5 stages of dating: Attraction, Uncertainty, Exclusivity, Intimacy, Marriage. When a relationship moves through these five stages in the correct order, things end up well. When people try to skip steps is when shit ends up hitting the fan.
Attraction: You meet someone and think they're hot. The goal of this stage is to interact with a person enough so they can have the chance to be fully attracted and get to know you better.
Uncertainty: So you spent some time with this person (a couple days, couple months, etc) and all of a sudden you start wondering, is this the right person for me? Oh no! This isn't going to work! Maybe it will! Oooh lord! This uncertainty is perfectly normal, especially in the face of finding someone that can make you really happy. The problem with this stage is some people don't understand it and assume it means that the person isn't right for them.
Exclusivity: So you get through the first few stages and finally figure out that you want to explore a relationship together, without any side relationships.
Intimacy: This is when you can let it all hang out and really get to know everything about the other person- good and bad.
Marriage: I didn't read this ish.. I figured I wouldn't need it for a while :)
So anyway trouble happens when people try to skip shit or the two people in the relationship are at different levels. Like if a woman meets a man and he's in attraction and she's in Marriage, shit aint gonna work. If you're really in the uncertainty phase and you both jump to intimacy, shit aint gonna work. etc. etc.
So the picture should look something like this: A guy thinks you're hot stuff and asks you out, you feel flattered and accept. You start dating and then one or both of you start becoming uncertain. When guys feel uncertain they "pull away." This includes not calling you much, not calling you at all, etc. And then, we all know that "distance makes the heart grow fonder." So if he likes you enough he'll bounce back. This may be in a couple days, a week, a month. Apparently guys can forget about a girl and then it dawns on them one day, hey I really liked such and such, or I miss such and such.. and then they call back. If this is a month or so later, a woman usually wants to be all bitter. But this is no good, b/c then the guy's like geez, guess she hates me, I should stop pursuing. But say he does bounce back in reasonable time or whatever, and you're not bitter, then you can keep going etc. The important part of a guy pulling away is to not start nagging him about where the relationship is going and what not. It's not a good thing to ask when everyone's uncertain. When the uncertainty period is over you can go on to being exclusive.. Then the rest is history.. kind of.
Why I Heart Dr. Gray is b/c he helped explain something that had been plauging me through all of college. I dated guys who were kind of shitty for one reason or the other.. maybe if i expanded my playing field beyond athletes and frat boys things could have been better, but then again, I didnt want to. But I would still wonder why guys would come on so strong at first to the point where they make you think you're the love of their lives and then just go cold. According to Dr. Gray, a man is first motivated by attraction. Attraction will make him do anything to get closer to a girl, touch her more, smell her more etc.. He might think to himself, wow this is the most beautiful girl. She is perfect! I want her and only her! He might find another girl that does the same thing to him the day after meeting you! The real test is if he gets to know you and still likes you. Some guys dont even want to put in that much effort. So the initial attraction is gone and they're out of the picture. Thats just how guys are wired. As Dr. Gray explains, this is why there are so many attractive women in relationships where they're husband isn't attracted to them anymore and why there are so many attractive single women who think guys suck. It's because women take the initial attraction to mean that that man wants something more with them, like a long lasting relationship, when actually he just wants to be near a hot woman. Often times a women will let the relationship focus purely on the physical and not develop any other emotional, intellectual connections. So when the attraction wears off.. shit sucks.
So the best thing is to get to know the guy in the attraction stage instead of moving straight to intimacy. Another important point is that women often date the wrong men for them. Especially if a man is motivated by attraction to a hot woman and then things go cold, most men that approach her, who she also finds instantly attractive are probably going to be bad. Dr. Gray's advice is as follows: If you walk into a room of 30 men and there is one that turns you one immediatly STAY CLEAR!! It's not that a man you find instantly sexually attractive isn't going to be the guy for you, its just that he will most likely not be; mostly b/c you wont develop the deeper connection you need to be in any sort of meaningful relationship :) So maybe you should give that guy a chance that you can get to know and maybe down the line he'll be the one to light your fire. This is not to say that you should date that ugly dork that keeps pestering you, but maybe try dating someone who isnt necessarily your "type."
Funny how now it all makes sense to me. The guy I'm currently dating was certainly not my type at first. Not an athlete, wasnt in a frat, didn't go to Stanford or a top school, etc.. The best part of dating him though is that I don't feel I have to impress him or prove anything to him. This is exactly the attitude a woman is supposed to have. It's his job to do all the impressing and all the winning over. It's not a woman's job to make him like/love her. A woman's job is just to "recieve." It's awesome! I think everyone should try to date someone who isn't their type. It's such a freeing experience.
So in the end, all those gender roles that we're trying to bunk b/c women are more powerful now, yeah they're useful and are there for a reason. An overly aggressive woman probably has men running away from her after a while. Some things are hardwired. Reading the book made me feel so free and relaxed. As a woman all I gotta do is look pretty and chuckle at a good joke and just recieve. A guys job is to give me what I Waaant. Awesome!
Don't get me wrong, women are more powerful and yada yada.. But if you keep insisting on taking on the role of a man, you might be left to do everything yourself.. not so much fun eh?
posted by GyangBang | 11:06 PM
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