Love? or Money?
I was watching a Dr. Phil episode about gold diggers today. One woman reasoned, if you can fall in love with anyone, why not fall in love with someone who's rich and not someone who is poor? Uum.. yeah.. It reminds me about my mother's take on marriage though.
Since I can remember.. ok maybe since I've been a teen.. my mom has implanted the notion into me that men are useless to have as life companions and should only be used for specific reasons. To give you a little background, my mother met the love of her life when she was in college. It's a cute story. She was standing outside a college building with some friends and a student who she had never met before came up to her and took her picture. He told her that he just had to have a record of seeing someone so beautiful. She sucked her teeth, waved her hand shooing him away, and he left. Weeks later he had somehow tracked her down, knocked on her dorm room door and presented her with the picture. The rest is history.. sor of. After some turmoil in her life, my mom decided that the love of her life was holding her back. She broke up with him and moved on to do other things a.k.a a better life. She met my dad one day when she was walking back home. She was living with her mother and taking care of practically 15+ people in her family. My dad drove up to her and asked if he could give her a ride. She accepted, got in the car, and noticed that he was wearing his pilot uniform. My mom was smitten, or at least she had found someone who would give her a better life than she had. They got to her house and my dad, in his non-romantic, comatose manner simply asked her, "can I call you?" and she gave him her number. For months my mom had my dad chasing her around, she loved it. She found out he was very intelligent and made a lot of money, thats all she needed. My mom and my dad eventually divorced after having my brother. His family hated her and her family hated him.. such is life. My mom has no regrets though. According to her she found good genes (except that whole sickle cell bit) and their breakup helped her realize that she needed to get the hell out of Africa and give her children a better life in the states.. Thanks mom :)
My mom's advice about men can be encapsulated in the following quotes:
"Women are stupid. They marry someone who they swoon over and then they get stuck. You should marry someone you can be friends with. If it doesnt work, you just pick up your bags and go."
"There is nothing like forever. Love isn't forever."
"All men are good for is to provide you with kids. Find someone who has brains and good genes so you can have good kids."
"See, people think I'm crazy b/c I tell them, when you meet a man ask him all the questions you have upfront. I mean, do you want to find out years down the line that he's crazy? or that he steals? I would ask as soon as I meet someone, 'are you a thief? is anyone in your family a theif? do you have any mental disorders? do you have any std's?' See some people think that's crazy but it just makes sense."
Now since I am my mother's daughter, there is a lot of stuff she believes that I believe, but then since I am an individual, there are things I won't go along with. Like, I'm not going to give someone 21 questions on a first date.. nor do I think having kids should be like a business agreement between a man and a woman.. nothing wrong with it.. just not my cup of tea.
I do believe in being discriminate about love. Some people discriminate between race, religion, political view.. etc. I discriminate between men who won't be successful and men who will. If I met a guy now that wasn't well off and he's in his 20's it wouldnt matter much to me. You just have to have earning potential. IF I met someone when I was 26, he'd better damn be well on his way in a successful career. I refuse to be the financial breadwinner in any marriage.. why am I married then? And since I plan on being well off, it sets the bar for a potential mate.. I don't think I'm a gold digger or anything, I just believe in being comfortable. As a kid I learned what it meant to struggle. I'd never want that for my kids, especially since there is no reason I'd have to live that lifestyle..
Unlike my mother though, I wouldn't marry someone JUST for their money. As callus as I seem.. I'd rather be in love, otherwise its too easy to walk away, and divorce is not ok in my book.
Well who knows what the future will hold.. maybe i'll just be an old maid with a bunch of cats.. or dogs.. spinster.. thats the word for old hagged women right? lame...
Since I can remember.. ok maybe since I've been a teen.. my mom has implanted the notion into me that men are useless to have as life companions and should only be used for specific reasons. To give you a little background, my mother met the love of her life when she was in college. It's a cute story. She was standing outside a college building with some friends and a student who she had never met before came up to her and took her picture. He told her that he just had to have a record of seeing someone so beautiful. She sucked her teeth, waved her hand shooing him away, and he left. Weeks later he had somehow tracked her down, knocked on her dorm room door and presented her with the picture. The rest is history.. sor of. After some turmoil in her life, my mom decided that the love of her life was holding her back. She broke up with him and moved on to do other things a.k.a a better life. She met my dad one day when she was walking back home. She was living with her mother and taking care of practically 15+ people in her family. My dad drove up to her and asked if he could give her a ride. She accepted, got in the car, and noticed that he was wearing his pilot uniform. My mom was smitten, or at least she had found someone who would give her a better life than she had. They got to her house and my dad, in his non-romantic, comatose manner simply asked her, "can I call you?" and she gave him her number. For months my mom had my dad chasing her around, she loved it. She found out he was very intelligent and made a lot of money, thats all she needed. My mom and my dad eventually divorced after having my brother. His family hated her and her family hated him.. such is life. My mom has no regrets though. According to her she found good genes (except that whole sickle cell bit) and their breakup helped her realize that she needed to get the hell out of Africa and give her children a better life in the states.. Thanks mom :)
My mom's advice about men can be encapsulated in the following quotes:
"Women are stupid. They marry someone who they swoon over and then they get stuck. You should marry someone you can be friends with. If it doesnt work, you just pick up your bags and go."
"There is nothing like forever. Love isn't forever."
"All men are good for is to provide you with kids. Find someone who has brains and good genes so you can have good kids."
"See, people think I'm crazy b/c I tell them, when you meet a man ask him all the questions you have upfront. I mean, do you want to find out years down the line that he's crazy? or that he steals? I would ask as soon as I meet someone, 'are you a thief? is anyone in your family a theif? do you have any mental disorders? do you have any std's?' See some people think that's crazy but it just makes sense."
Now since I am my mother's daughter, there is a lot of stuff she believes that I believe, but then since I am an individual, there are things I won't go along with. Like, I'm not going to give someone 21 questions on a first date.. nor do I think having kids should be like a business agreement between a man and a woman.. nothing wrong with it.. just not my cup of tea.
I do believe in being discriminate about love. Some people discriminate between race, religion, political view.. etc. I discriminate between men who won't be successful and men who will. If I met a guy now that wasn't well off and he's in his 20's it wouldnt matter much to me. You just have to have earning potential. IF I met someone when I was 26, he'd better damn be well on his way in a successful career. I refuse to be the financial breadwinner in any marriage.. why am I married then? And since I plan on being well off, it sets the bar for a potential mate.. I don't think I'm a gold digger or anything, I just believe in being comfortable. As a kid I learned what it meant to struggle. I'd never want that for my kids, especially since there is no reason I'd have to live that lifestyle..
Unlike my mother though, I wouldn't marry someone JUST for their money. As callus as I seem.. I'd rather be in love, otherwise its too easy to walk away, and divorce is not ok in my book.
Well who knows what the future will hold.. maybe i'll just be an old maid with a bunch of cats.. or dogs.. spinster.. thats the word for old hagged women right? lame...
posted by GyangBang | 3:02 PM
2 Comments:
OK, let's not even get into the whole "What if everyone looked at love this way, then humanity would be nothing more than a bunch of amoebas engaging in business all day long" thing. Let's not bring up larger issues than personal preferences, because that is too large an issue even for blogging. So...
From a practicality point of view, I don't know that you can choose your mate like the aforementioned business venture. See, my father *did* seem like a keeper. Captain in the Army Rangers, a tour in Vietnam, chief of human resources for Intel at one point - we could have been rolling in more money than freakin' God by now! But one day he decided the drugs were more important to him, and the rest is my disgusting family history. The point being, is twenty questions even a sure thing to begin with? I don't think so. Now, maybe if my parents *hadn't* been in love, my mother would have had the sense to get out while things were still moderately OK. But this brings up another question...
Can marriages last if the girl is only after money? I think this is a changing norm. Back in the day, guys were OK with breadwinning and women (like my mother) expected to clean the house in exchange. I think it's increasingly dangerous for women to look at things through the lens of 1955. Guys are wisening up. Women want to be educated and have a say in finances and be independent...cool. But what guy with any self-respect would want to pay for his girl's every wish while she kicks back for the ride? Chances are, if you find a guy in today's world for whom sex is that important to him (what else would a self-involved girl have to offer?), then he's probably one of the thousands of dichotomous stereotypes you hear about - you know, the successful lawyers and doctors who are married but still go out and screw hookers on the side...
Now, in support of some points your mom made, I will agree to a limit. Yes, one should try to not get stuck with a loser (I generally summarize my feelings about relationships I've known about on campus with that song, "Is She Really Going Out With Him?") Yes, you should be friends with whomever you plan to marry - but that goes without saying for me. I want a soul mate, not a sex toy. Yes, asking questions - communication - is very important up front and all along the way. I'd be interested in my girl's sexual history if I were really considering her as "the one." But I still disagree with the fundamental logic in your mother's argument, esp that guys are only good for making children...
If all my wife wants is my sperm, she can forget it. Given my SAT score, athletic ability, height, weight, good family health history, pure blood, undergrad major, and alma mater - I can sell my freakin' sperm for a *mint*!!! And then I could buy lots of bitches to screw anyway. See my point about how shallow the world can be if we turn love into business? My take is you split bills for utilities, rent, food, and stuff you share and then keep separate checking accounts for yourselves otherwise. You wait until you're both financially secure before you start thinking about kids. Then you don't both have to be millionaires in order to be happy. As long as you're fairly well off and *enjoy* each other's company - your conversations, your plans, your laughs, and of course your sex, then I think that qualifies as the proverbial "good life." But that's all just my opinion. I'm still single as hell, and I don't see anyone on the horizon right now. And when one comes into sight, it won't be her place to decide if I make enough money for her - *she* needs to be good enough for *me*!
Good night.
~ Jon
I remember the harsh reality of ideas about love and marriage hitting me in the face in AP English. The teacher pointed out that in Pride and Prejudice, the father married the mother for sex. When we started discussing the other marriages in the book, she acted as if finances were the biggest consideration - not just in nineteenth century England, but yesterday, today, and tomorrow. I was horrified.
Maybe I watch too much TV, but I have a hard time believing that marrying someone for money could ever turn out well. These rich people on TV are narcissistic brand whores who would use a homeless man's dead body to keep their suede italian leather shoes clean. Somehow, I can't see myself in a relationship with someone like that.
I just can't see prioritizing money to such a degree. Money comes and goes - a strong relatinship with a wonderful person lasts much longer. My parents had me when they were 25, mostly uneducated, and working pretty unrewarding jobs. 22 years later, things have really turned around - I'd say they have doubled their income (way to go, Mom) and are living a different lifestyle now (golf, PF Changs).
I wouldn't trade my life the way it is for anything in the world. I am so grateful I grew up considering money a valuable resource, which is why in just a few days my debt will be back to zero. I also grew up among a wide range of people, which has forever changed the way I think about education and social obligations.
Honestly, I'd rather marry someone from humble beginnings. Someone who grew up understanding the value of money and with a concept of using advantage to help those that really need it.
Now, if such a man somehow turned out to be rich, I wouldn't be automatically against marrying him. Unless that in the course of becoming rich he lost sight of his values, and his fancy feet are looking just a little too clean.
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