The Allegory of the Immature American Male

If I were even smarter, I might have tried to create a more eloquent allegory.. I won't push my luck :) Anyway, remember my really bad "steak analogy" from my previous post How to get married in 3 years or less... Well I knew I was using a shitty analogy at the time, but I finally came up with something better! Its so good, I almost jumped out of the shower to make sure I got the thought down right.

Anyway so the steak analogy was trying to explain why when a guy lets a great girl go, its not something she did, its completely the guy that has the issues. So a better analogy would be this one:

Here is a story about Jamie. A typical American male.

Jamie's parents are millionaires. He's just graduated from college and hasn't really thought about getting a job. He moves back home and mooches off his parents who seem extremely willing to give him a stipend. So a few months pass and Jamie gets a little restless. Either Jamie's other lazy ass friends are getting jobs and leaving him all by his lonesome, or his parents are complaining that he needs to stop being a lazy ass, or he just wants to prove to himself that he's not a lazy ass and that he can be an independent person. Either way, he's now on the look out for a job. His family members set him up with some interviews, he finds some jobs on his own, and then finally! He finds the perfect job! At first he's really excited. Now he can prove to the world that he's a worthy member of society. He starts preparing for the interview.. or he doesnt.. depending on how delusional he is about his skills. Then interview day comes and he is sitting before you, the interviewer. The interview starts out cordially. Jamie is so excited he almost knocks you out of the chair. As the interview goes on, Jamie starts thinking in his head, "wow this sure sounds like a great job. I'd really like to take it. I can't believe I landed this interview. I am so awesome!" Then all of a sudden further into the interview he starts to panic as he starts thinking of what having this job would entail. He thinks, "Man, I'd really like to make some major money and get some bling! If they offer me this job I'm soo going to take it.... but.. well.. hm, my parents are rich, so if I dont get the job I can live off of them almost indefinetly.. I'd have to wake up every day to come to this job.. I don't think I want to wear a suit everyday.. I couldn't party hard every night, b/c I'd have to get my lazy ass up in the morning. What if I get the job and I really can't handle it.. maybe I'm not smart enough.. what if I fail? OH NO! I don't want this job!" Uh oh..

Now to anyone who had access to Jamie's thought process, you'd realize that you are dealing with a completely ambivalent person - he wants to make money but when it comes down to it, he's too much of a lazy ass to put in the real effort to get the job. Jamie becomes ambivalent about the job b/c he finally realizes that he can't be a lazy ass anymore. His employers will expect a lot from him since it is such a prestigious job. Jamie's not ambivalent b/c the job wasn't great in the first place.

(And here is where I am going to digress.. now does the interviewer change the job description b/c one lame ass is having a shitty interview? NO! As a matter of fact, the job sounds and is so good that the interviewer has tons of applicant letters piling up on her desk. The job should not cut its hair, lose 10 lbs, or feel bad b/c of one shitty applicant Anyway.. back to the story..)

And the lame excuses Jamie is making about why the job could potentially be a bad idea are just a way for him to justify not taking the job and returning to his lazy lifestyle.

So the interview is finally over. Jamie wasn't really hungry for the job (i.e. commitment) in the first place. His ambivalence shined through and he didn't do that well at the interview. While he initially seemed confident, he started bumbling, and stuttering, almost purposely ensuring that he wouldn't get the job. So lo and behold, you the interviewer realize this person just isnt going to cut it. You reject him from the job. NEXT Applicant!

Now the lazy ass is thinking.. oh well I didn't want it anyway. Jamie might even start to displace blame for why he didnt get the job - "If it was the right job for me, I would have worked harder to get it. But they wanted me to do all this stuff that has nothing to do with my major. I'll find something thats closer to what I want to do." Again, as an observer to this thought process you have to say WHATEVER! Right my ass! It was a GREAT job, you wanted it at first. Now you're just making excuses b/c in the end you didn't even get the job. You did a shitty job of selling yourself and the interviewer saw that, and rejected your ass.. Or maybe overall you just weren't even good enough for the job. Don't blame it on the job, blame it on your A.) Actual lack of motivation to get the job and/or B.) your immaturity - you're clearly not ready for a great job and/or C.) You're simply not qualified.

So what happens next? Well Jamie might still be bummed that he didn't get the job and his friends are still all working, and his parents are still breathing down his neck. So he tells himself he'll just take the next available job. Unfortunately its working at KMART. Oh well, at least its a job. Suddenly working at Kmart starts bugging the shit out of Jamie. The customers are cheap bastards, the pay is shitty, and everyone thinks he's a loser. Some people start asking him about that great job he had an interview for months earlier. He responds "Oh yeah.. that.. it didnt really work out. I didnt like all the stuff they wanted me to do." Uh-huh.

While Jamie is putting in his time at Kmart he starts to realize that he really needs to find a job that is more prestigous, one that makes him think, one that pays well. So what to do next? Well, Jamie may decide to start looking for a job while he's still working at Kmart, or maybe Kmart bugs him soo much, he'd rather quit and move back with his parents until something better turns up.

So as far as I'm concerned the scenario can work out one of the following ways. The first way is that Jamie looks and looks, and he can't find anything as good as that first job. He starts thinking to himself how stuupid he was to let it slip away. Jamie can either let his pride get the best of him and refuse to go back to the company to see if they're still hiring for the job. Or he may say, "fuck pride! thats the best job I'm ever going to get!" and go back and see if he can get another interview. But then he may find out that the position has been filled or that the company isnt in the habit of giving second interviews.. tough shit. So Jamie just keeps looking for another job, just as good as the one he was rejected from, or one that is better. Now, Jamie may be lucky enough to find something as good or better. This time he realizes the opportunity in front of him and seizes the day! Or maybe Jamie continues to look and look and look and never finds a job as good. Eventually on his quest for the perfect job Jamie receives so much pressure to finally grow up and be independent that he'll take anything that's decent. Eh, the hours are long and it doesnt really allow me to use my best skills, but whatever, at least its a job I can deal with. So he marries the shitty job and has a shitty marriage, and wants to kill himself. But too bad Jamie. He never seized a good opportunity when he had the chance. Que sera.

OK, so maybe its not the best to compare a woman to a job, but I guess we kind of are in a way :) But in any case some girls will be the Kmart job and others will be the best job in the world. If you're reading this blog, and you're a good friend, I can assure you that you are not the Kmart job. AT ALL. Kmart refers to people with no education/personality/psychos/nothing really going for them. You are THE best job. Some people will see this right away and make a valiant attempt to get hired. The problem is you're such a good job that you get a lot of applicants. Your task is to screen each applicant. Weed out the ones that don't really deserve the job, the ones that aren't ready for it, the ones that have bad work ethic, etc, and only hire THE best applicant. The others can go work at Kmart for all you care :)