How to get married in 3 years or less.. or at least stop countless heartbreaks

Hey, so you know that episode of Sex in the City where Carrie goes to give advice to women in NYC on dating and then one woman speaks up and asks Carrie if she has a boyfriend, and Carrie says no and then all but 3 people in the audience get up and leave b/c they feel she doesn't have any qualifications? Well this might be another one of those moments. I will start this post off by saying that A.) I am not married B.) I am not engaged C.) I dont even have a boyfriend. BUT! I am a fast learner in this game called life, and sometimes I only need to be wrong once to find out how to be right the next time (ok usually more than once.. maybe 3 times)... its a skill my boss describes as artificial intelligence.. just correct me a few times and I'll have the hang of it.

So for those of you left, I was inspired to write this post after the news of the last post made a few of my friends feel old and/or pathetic for not being engaged/married by 22! LOL! What old hags we are! But seriously, anyone who has got their love life figured out by their early 20's is an overachierver.. but we still love you :)

Anyway, this post isnt for people who like to jump from boyfriend to boyfriend, for those who feel marriage is something you only start to think about in your 30's or for those who like to experience counless heartbreak.. we call these people masochists. All I'm saying is that when you know what you want out of life (or at least know roughly) take advantage of being young in order to set up a lifestyle that will allow you to get what you want when you're finally ready. Much of this advice takes advantage of the fact that we're all young and can do whatever the hell we want until "the man" tells us to hurry up and grow up.

On to advice... So for a lot of young men, a new relationship is akin to buying a new video game (cliche but very true). At first he'll be all excited to unwrap it. Get all excited about playing it. And after a while (this can be a month..a few months) he FINALLY yes FINALLY beats the game! i.e. the girl lets down her guard and lets him in. SORRY! Game over.. time to move on to another game or at least the latest one out.. While the girl is left wondering what in the HELL just happened. He won, that's what happened. On to the next conquest. This news is a little disheartening but it helps shed some light about men.

First off: When a guy breaks up with you. Its not about you. Ok it depends on the reason you guys broke up. If he says its because you're a psycho bitch, then its b/c you're a psycho bitch and there is nothing to be done about that, except get counseling. BUT if its some wishy washy issue about not wanting to settle down, or not thinking you're THE ONE, etc.. then yeah its not about you. It's about him being a tool. That simple. Ok maybe not a tool, but whether a guy will commit or not has to do with what kind of guy he is AND when in his life you meet him. You ever seen one of your friends break up with a guy who couldn't commit and then all of a sudden he's seriously dating a girl that doesnt even hold a candle to your friend? Yeah.. see it wasnt about her it was about him. And then there are some men who don't believe in the merits of commitment (i.e. players). Notice those guys right away and then write them off. No need to waste time in your life you will never get back.. again, unless you're into that type of thing.

And this is the reason it's not you - hm.. well this is a bad example. But imagine being really full at a buffet. And then all of a sudden they bring out the steak. Everyone tells you that the steak is sooo good, the best steak they've ever had. But all you can do is look at the steak and think, crap I'm full. If I try to eat anymore I'm going to puke. And sometimes, you wont even notice the steak b/c you're full and ready to go. Was there anything wrong with the steak? Hell no, everyone else seemed to appreciate it. But you couldnt eat it b/c you werent in the right state - you were full. If you had been been a little bit hungry at least, you would have devoured the steak.

This is SUCH a bad example, but in the same vain, commitment makes some guys want to puke. Its all about state of mind. If a guy is in the whole "YAY! I LOVE BEING SINGLE! Time to live my life" mode.. uh-uh, doesn't matter who you are, the grass will be greener somewhere else. I think this rule is age specific with exceptions. My friends who are getting married now are with guys who in their early 20s knew not to give up a good thing. For the rest of guys.. they might not even know they're giving up a good thing, and a lot might not even care. They figure they'll find another good thing later on, when they're ready. So again, its not about you.

So you meet a guy who is the commitment type.. he's had a girlfriend before and one day wants to get married. Sweet!

Second Rule of Thumb: This does NOT mean he'll commit to you. You've run into the right kind of guy, but he can still be into the whole relationships as video games lifestyle. How do you figure out if this is his MO? Simple.. be friends first.

If you're like me, while relationships can be fun, I would like to spare the tears of dealing with break up after break up and only get involved when I know it can be something good... really good. I don't want to be the next guy's video game. But how do you know if they're even still playing video games? It's not easy, but you can figure it out before you get yourself in too deep.

Ok. ok. I know what the issue is here. "But Bang guys want sex! He wont even waste his time on me if I just want to be friends!" To that I'll say - You're right, you'll run into men whose primary interest in relationships is the regular sex. Trust me, better to let these ones go early than end up being a trophy on his shelf.

Moving on.. how do you establish this friendship? Hm this is a little trickier, b/c you want to work with the power of having something he wants (sex) but not giving it to him in a way that lets him know that he may one day win the prize. But at the same time you dont want to lead him on to thinking he's going to get the prize anytime soon. So my advice, especially if you've just met the person and you dont know each other well - go on a few dates with the guy and then at least by the fifth date, but sometime after the second date, casually bring up your MO - being friends. Now a lot of men have learned if a girl says she wants to be friends that she is not really interested, so you're going to need a really good excuse for just wanting to be friends and taking things slowly - snail pace folks. Some good excuses: "My [insert some believable significant presence in your life, i.e. a pet, friend, some made up cousin] died and I'm really emotionally torn up about it. I just need a friend right now." or "I think you're a really great guy and I dont want to ruin that, so how about we just take things slow."

Again, some guys will peace out after this. And again, the better. I look at it this way.. finding a really good relationship isnt about how many guys you keep around but more about finding that one that is truly worth your attention.

So now you've decided to be friends - friends who date. Now its time for you to find things you can do together that are platonic - i.e. sports games, bar hopping with friends (don't get wasted and ruin the whole plan!), hiking (if you're into that nature crap), etc.. You might have to be the one that maintains the friendship for a little while since with no immediate prospects of getting ass a guy might get lazy.

But here is the great thing about being friends. You'll find out if you actually like him as a person and he'll find out the same about you. And that's truly the right step in the right direction. What's the point in dating someone only to find out that they're a strong Bush supporter and want to raise their kids republican if you're a California democrat? Yikes..

What comes next.. after he's found out how awesome of a person you are he'll definetly want to stick around.. even if it is as just friends. The key to being friends is not having sex... period. Later on in the relationship (this varies on how often you might see each other) you might do more things than hold hands... but sex? A BIG no no. Video gamers love this point and once they've gotten it, its only a matter of time before they've beat the game enough times to get bored. At this point you really still dont know if he's a gamer or not, you just know you really like/dislike him.

Now if you've been friends for long enough but still don't know if he is a good choice ( I hate saying the one.. there are plenty of ones) then you'll have to brace yourself for the inevitable.. he might start dating someone else. Oye Veh! Thats going to sting. But its OK (Well only if you guys havent been fooling around below the belt) He's got to get his sexual frustration out somewhere. So really, the other girl doesnt mean as much to him. Plus, you guys are friends right? This is not the time to blow your top and demand he stop seeing the other person, or people. The reason? He'll think you're CRAZY! Why the hell did you keep it at a friendship if you really wanted him all along? So please dont do it. His relationship with the girl will pass (it might take a while but its worth the wait). And this is the PERFECT time to step up and claim your prize, especially if he's heartbroken.

Sigh ok. So I know what you're thinking. This advice is absolutely ridiculous. What if he gets involved with another girl and they get married? Well I'd say break up the marriage. That ho bag hasnt put in half as much effort as you have!

But on a serious note, I'd say you waited to long and the frienship got into that weird zone where he actually doesn't want to lose the friendship by getting into a romantic relationship. Yikes..

Well thats why I think this whole friend thing shouldn't last extremely long in the first place. I seriously feel you can feel a guy out within 6 mos to a year - again depending on how often you see the guy.

The whole point of being friends is to be friends past the "honeymoon" phase which is usually in the first months of a relationship. This is when videogamers thrive. Everything is new and exciting and worthwhile. But once all that wears off, the girl is usually the one who gets dumped. The other point of being friends is to not feel like you're playing hard to get.

There are problems with playing hard to get vs. being hard to get. Playing hard to get may be fun, but if you dont like the person for who they are after you stop playing hard to get, the relationship is going to fizzle anyway. Being hard to get (like moi) is different and also has problems. Avid video gamers LOVE someone who is hard to get. They're up for being treated like shit as long as in the end they win the game. (Life lesson learned..trust me on this one).

So the key in the end I guess is to build a good friendship with the right kind of guy before you get romantically involved. Seeing as most relationships fizzle in the first 6 mos, maybe you should wait out those 6 mos to feel each other out.

Now I'm no prude. I'm not suggesting waiting around for this kind of guy. There is nothing wrong with doing a little dating around until he finally comes along. But when he does, time to play it smart.

P.S. All complaints can be sent to any of my many email addresses - as I'm sure I've rubbed someone the wrong way ;)


P.P.S. I realized that my two friends from college who are now married/engaged met their husband/fiancee in Toyon. Ehem.. may I remind everyone that the only reason we got into Toyon was because of me? Man, maybe I should become jewish. B/c if someone else gets married off my advice, shit, I'm into heaven for good! Sweeeet!