Ambivalence
"Hi everyone." Group: Hi Bang. "I'm addicted to ambivalent men." Group: Welcome to the groupBang.
Ambivalence: The existence of mixed feelings toward someone or something. Difficulty in reaching a decision.
Ambivalent man: 1. One who exhibits or feels ambivalence toward women. 2. One who plays games. He wants a relationship; he wants to break up. He's confused, mixed up, inconsistent, and unpredictable. Yet he's irresistible and easy to fall in love with.. and almost sure to cause a broken heart.
- The Commitment Cure Findling, Rhonda
Ok so there are clearly better things I can do with my time than try to psychoanalyze everything in my life. But sorry, I cant. I have an almost compulsive urge to figure everything and everyone out.. thats if I have a reason to. Who often becomes fodder for my psychoanalysis? Family of course, really annoying friends, and of course ex-boyfriends. After looking at all the objections to my advice from the last post I started thinking to myself that maybe the type of people I choose to date are a little (ok a lot) different than the people other people choose to date. B/c (yes Rob) relationships shouldn't be about games. And wouldnt it be nice to fall in love with a person who truly appreciated you for who you are.
But this somehow is clearly not my experience with guys. Its one thing to date someone who off the bat says they dont want a commitment. Its another thing to date someone who is enthralled with who you are and then out of the blue pulls some shit like "Oh yeah, she's a great girl, but.." What's the but? Hm, well once it was that "I deserved better." Fine, I probably did. Actually I really did. Another but? "I just feel ambivalent about 'these things.' " "These things" = a serious relationship. Oh and lets not forget my future husband (i.e. potential #1) who shamelessly flirts, calls me a few days later, and as soon as I make a first move, I get the "hm, ha" routine. Whats WRONG with ME? Why doesn't anyone LOVE ME?
Ok these are clearly rhetorical questions. B/c quite frankly I don't think there is anything wrong with me (shut it up! i hear some of you snickering). And now with new information about the "Ambivalent Man," next time a guy gives me some bullshit "hm, ha" excuse I can immediatley interject "you know, not to psychoanalyze the situation or anything, but your inability to commit is clearly linked to your relationship with your mother or maybe you're just not over your ex. But thats ok. Have a nice life, and here is the number to a great therapist."
Haha! How freeing that is! I'm clearly not going to get into why I often choose such men. Its not about me its about them. According to Rhonda Findling (ok Brian.. maybe she's a fake.. but I trust her advice anyway) there are six types of ambivalent men:
- The Runner: The runner is an Ambivalent Man who is capable of attachment. He's even able to get into a relationship. The only problem is he can't sustain an ongoing relationship. He always leaves. He's an abandanor. When the going gets good.. he's outta there.
What's this guys problem? His mom was crazy. She loved him but from time to time abandoned him emotionally. And when he meets women he's attracted to, he'll put them on a pedestal like a goddess, as he did his mother. As soon as the woman show's signs that she might not be there for him 100% (b/c clearly she has shit to do) she is dethroned. And then thats it, he runs away.
: Check! I've dated one of those
- The Casual Dater: He is a man who is actually looking for a relationship. He really longs for marriage and feels bad that he can't seem to achieve this goal. He is reliable and usually makes a good first impression. He appears to be capable of a relationship becauase he really is interested in going out to places rather than just having a fling. Ironically, many woman keep dating the Casual Dater even when they're not that crazy about him, b/c he gives the impression that he's serious about a relationship and possibly marriage (OMG! Its like she's been stalking me!)
Whats the deal with this guy? The main problem with the Causal Dater is that he feels entitled to "perfect" women. He either had a mother who was emotionally or physically unavailable, he's not in touch with his anxiety about closeness so blames the woman's flaws for the demise of the potential relationship, or he is unable to look at his own limitations or imperfections.
Usually this kind of guy will eventually find something wrong with the woman he is with, regardless of how close she is to his ideal and then give the "distancing lecture." i.e. "you're a great lady but I just can't seem to fall in love with you"; "I want to get married but I don't want to marry you"... etc.
: BINGO! Dated one of those too.
The Man Who Plays Parlor Games: This guy is all talk but no action. He seems like he's interested in you but can't make it to a first date. Flirtatious bantering never escalates into true romance. He hints and teases but doesn't close the deal. God forbid you make a first move! He'll reject you and make you seem like you were crazy the whole time.. was he really flirting with me? Maybe it was all in my head.
What's wrong with this guy? He's either terrified of closeness, struggling with sexual identity issues, is contemptuous towards women, or he's involved with another woman.
: I'm going to leave this one at that. But yes.. I've run across this type too.
Then there is The Fling Man- NOT going to get into it, but yes, I've seen these types.
There is also the Eternal Bachelor, and the Ambivalent Cyber man. I haven't run into these people... but who knows.
In any case, before you go into criticism about how there might be other things causing a guy to act in certain ways - "He doesnt have to be fucked up in the head."
Well I'd say to you, for one, there is an epidemic of ambivalent men. According to Findling, a psychotherapist, an emotionally healthy man is either in a relationship or out. His feelings about you don't flip flop on a whim. In today's day and age (haha, i love that phrase) men are becoming more and more ambivalent about commitment. For what reasons? I'm not really sure.. but I've heard it enought times to believe that it is the case. If you don't believe me check out: http://www.askmen.com/dating/curtsmith_100/131_dating_advice.html
Also, you might think to yourself, well I didn't have a picture perfect childhood and I'm quite ok. Well good for you. You made it out ok, some dont.
Moreover, and this is going to contradict everything I've said but, I don't think there is anything especially wrong with ambivalence. Not everyone wants to sign on the dotted line right away. Not even I do. I probably wouldn't even date a guy who I thought was marriage potential at this point in my life. Of the guys I dated I think only one of them will never get over his ambivalence and will become an eternal bachelor, every other guy eventually will marry. But again, displacing blame is very therapeutic. You should try it :)
Ambivalence: The existence of mixed feelings toward someone or something. Difficulty in reaching a decision.
Ambivalent man: 1. One who exhibits or feels ambivalence toward women. 2. One who plays games. He wants a relationship; he wants to break up. He's confused, mixed up, inconsistent, and unpredictable. Yet he's irresistible and easy to fall in love with.. and almost sure to cause a broken heart.
- The Commitment Cure Findling, Rhonda
Ok so there are clearly better things I can do with my time than try to psychoanalyze everything in my life. But sorry, I cant. I have an almost compulsive urge to figure everything and everyone out.. thats if I have a reason to. Who often becomes fodder for my psychoanalysis? Family of course, really annoying friends, and of course ex-boyfriends. After looking at all the objections to my advice from the last post I started thinking to myself that maybe the type of people I choose to date are a little (ok a lot) different than the people other people choose to date. B/c (yes Rob) relationships shouldn't be about games. And wouldnt it be nice to fall in love with a person who truly appreciated you for who you are.
But this somehow is clearly not my experience with guys. Its one thing to date someone who off the bat says they dont want a commitment. Its another thing to date someone who is enthralled with who you are and then out of the blue pulls some shit like "Oh yeah, she's a great girl, but.." What's the but? Hm, well once it was that "I deserved better." Fine, I probably did. Actually I really did. Another but? "I just feel ambivalent about 'these things.' " "These things" = a serious relationship. Oh and lets not forget my future husband (i.e. potential #1) who shamelessly flirts, calls me a few days later, and as soon as I make a first move, I get the "hm, ha" routine. Whats WRONG with ME? Why doesn't anyone LOVE ME?
Ok these are clearly rhetorical questions. B/c quite frankly I don't think there is anything wrong with me (shut it up! i hear some of you snickering). And now with new information about the "Ambivalent Man," next time a guy gives me some bullshit "hm, ha" excuse I can immediatley interject "you know, not to psychoanalyze the situation or anything, but your inability to commit is clearly linked to your relationship with your mother or maybe you're just not over your ex. But thats ok. Have a nice life, and here is the number to a great therapist."
Haha! How freeing that is! I'm clearly not going to get into why I often choose such men. Its not about me its about them. According to Rhonda Findling (ok Brian.. maybe she's a fake.. but I trust her advice anyway) there are six types of ambivalent men:
- The Runner: The runner is an Ambivalent Man who is capable of attachment. He's even able to get into a relationship. The only problem is he can't sustain an ongoing relationship. He always leaves. He's an abandanor. When the going gets good.. he's outta there.
What's this guys problem? His mom was crazy. She loved him but from time to time abandoned him emotionally. And when he meets women he's attracted to, he'll put them on a pedestal like a goddess, as he did his mother. As soon as the woman show's signs that she might not be there for him 100% (b/c clearly she has shit to do) she is dethroned. And then thats it, he runs away.
: Check! I've dated one of those
- The Casual Dater: He is a man who is actually looking for a relationship. He really longs for marriage and feels bad that he can't seem to achieve this goal. He is reliable and usually makes a good first impression. He appears to be capable of a relationship becauase he really is interested in going out to places rather than just having a fling. Ironically, many woman keep dating the Casual Dater even when they're not that crazy about him, b/c he gives the impression that he's serious about a relationship and possibly marriage (OMG! Its like she's been stalking me!)
Whats the deal with this guy? The main problem with the Causal Dater is that he feels entitled to "perfect" women. He either had a mother who was emotionally or physically unavailable, he's not in touch with his anxiety about closeness so blames the woman's flaws for the demise of the potential relationship, or he is unable to look at his own limitations or imperfections.
Usually this kind of guy will eventually find something wrong with the woman he is with, regardless of how close she is to his ideal and then give the "distancing lecture." i.e. "you're a great lady but I just can't seem to fall in love with you"; "I want to get married but I don't want to marry you"... etc.
: BINGO! Dated one of those too.
The Man Who Plays Parlor Games: This guy is all talk but no action. He seems like he's interested in you but can't make it to a first date. Flirtatious bantering never escalates into true romance. He hints and teases but doesn't close the deal. God forbid you make a first move! He'll reject you and make you seem like you were crazy the whole time.. was he really flirting with me? Maybe it was all in my head.
What's wrong with this guy? He's either terrified of closeness, struggling with sexual identity issues, is contemptuous towards women, or he's involved with another woman.
: I'm going to leave this one at that. But yes.. I've run across this type too.
Then there is The Fling Man- NOT going to get into it, but yes, I've seen these types.
There is also the Eternal Bachelor, and the Ambivalent Cyber man. I haven't run into these people... but who knows.
In any case, before you go into criticism about how there might be other things causing a guy to act in certain ways - "He doesnt have to be fucked up in the head."
Well I'd say to you, for one, there is an epidemic of ambivalent men. According to Findling, a psychotherapist, an emotionally healthy man is either in a relationship or out. His feelings about you don't flip flop on a whim. In today's day and age (haha, i love that phrase) men are becoming more and more ambivalent about commitment. For what reasons? I'm not really sure.. but I've heard it enought times to believe that it is the case. If you don't believe me check out: http://www.askmen.com/dating/curtsmith_100/131_dating_advice.html
Also, you might think to yourself, well I didn't have a picture perfect childhood and I'm quite ok. Well good for you. You made it out ok, some dont.
Moreover, and this is going to contradict everything I've said but, I don't think there is anything especially wrong with ambivalence. Not everyone wants to sign on the dotted line right away. Not even I do. I probably wouldn't even date a guy who I thought was marriage potential at this point in my life. Of the guys I dated I think only one of them will never get over his ambivalence and will become an eternal bachelor, every other guy eventually will marry. But again, displacing blame is very therapeutic. You should try it :)
posted by GyangBang | 1:28 PM
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