Male Pattern Baldness*

*Note: this post has nothing to do with baldness, but I do address males and patterns..

There's an expression, "everyone wants what they can't have." This is especially true in the dating world. That's why most of the time, men are clamoring to get that one girl that doesn't give them the time of day. And women are trying to pin down that elusive guy who "doesn't like to be tied down."

I've found in my experience, and I'm sure other people have also shared the same experience, that the "I want what I can't have" for a guy turns from a rousing game of sorts into pure frustration in 4 distinct stages.

Stage 1: I'm too cool for school
This is the very beginning. When the guy doesn't know how much of a bitch you are, or how disinterested you would be at the prospect of dating him. So in his head he just assumes you'll be like all the other chicks he gets to jock him.

Stage 2: The Sweetness
After testing a girl a few times, a guy realizes, Oh! she's a biatch! Maybe if I act super nice to her I'll get her to cave and start jocking me. Guys can be soo ridiculously nice at this point, they almost have you fooled!

Stage 3: The Bitterness
A guy can only pretend for so long. How long it takes him to get to the bitterness stage is variable. But eventually there will be an outburst caused by frustration. This may take many forms - outright yelling, a strange speech, or completely erratic behavior.

Stage 4: The Crackpot Excuse
Much like what alcohol is to the average college student, so is the bitch to the average guy. He tells himself, never again will he deal with her. But then, given time, he wants to experience the ups and downs and the excitement that the bitch puts him through. After some time (also variable) a guy will calm down, get his wits about him, feel like a dumbass for exploding, and calls to explain how his behavior was "out of character." "I've never done that before. I don't know what came over me." Whatever buddy. Sometimes a guy won't even acknowledge his behavior and act like nothing ever happened. At this point the cycle begins again, but starting from stage 2.

By the time I've reached stage 4 with a guy, I'm often disinterested to the point that I couldn't care less whether he lives or dies (in my world - not in real life. i'm not that heartless!). So I'll answer a call or two as not to be completely rude and then I just stop picking up the phone until he just gives up. I mean, if you're frustrated with someone, you don't have to make yourself look like a dumbass and tell them. It's not going to get you any closer to what you want. Geez you'd think a guy would reason that to himself. Then again.. he's not thinking.. with the right brain at least.

Mr. Protege and I are in stage 3. After leaving a message telling me that not only does my voicemail suck, but I ssssuck as well... yeah I'd count that as an act of frustration. And just like with the guys before him, I'm completely disinterested.

Such is life..