Why buy the cow when you can get the milk for free?
So it turns out that when it comes to marriage and committed relationships I'm way more traditional than I ever thought I'd be. I think a lot of it comes from observations of other people's relationships -those that worked, those that didn't and realizing, hm, maybe our grandparents had it right.
I had a debate with my roommate yesterday about the idea of cohabitating before marriage. She felt that it made sense to "test" the relationship before marriage to see if it would actually work, and cited personal examples of when it worked.
Fair enough, but I personally do not think cohabitation before marriage is worth it. First of all, there is the cliche - why make the commitment of marriage if you can get everything you want without taking the plunge? The sex, the convenience, someone to pick up after you, etc.. (I'm seriously considering abstinence before marriage.. I'm not kidding). Not to mention that men have the "if it ain't broke why fix it?" mentality more often than women do. You just spend years trying to caddle prod someone into doing something they really don't see the point in doing. Also, living together doesn't make the committment anymore probable. When you're living together before marriage you're still not married. What's the worse that's going to happen if you break it off? A broken lease? Well such is life. More than that, doesn't that take all the excitment out of marriage? When you cohabitate as a "natural progression" towards married, then when the guy pops the question its like "well, so what?" now I have a piece of paper, and a ring. What happened to building the romance, building the bonds of the relationship so that when you do get married, you're more committed to making things work? When you're cohabitating all that romance goes down the tubes. You see that person's stank ass day and night. You come home, they're there, doing something annoying. I feel that its probably better to have a more idealistic image of a person before marriage b/c even when they're annoying after marriage, you'll think, "well, we're in this together for the long haul" rather than, "Ew! He picks his nose hairs and leaves them in the sink, time to get rid of him."
I mean I could talk on and on about this, but how thrilled was I to find actual studies that corroborated my concerns. And not that you can ever absolutely predict the outcome of any one relationship, but just realize that even though you think you're different, and you're situation is different, eh, how many millions of people came before you thinking the same thing before they got divorced? I say that instead of cohabitating, get some pre-marital counseling before taking the plunge. That's probably a much better test than having to wake up next to your partner's stank ass before you're legally required to do it.
B/c I want to prove a point:
For all women, 39% of cohabitation relationships end in 3 years, and of those remaining, 58% turn to marriage. 49% of cohabitation relationships end in 5 years, and of those remaining, 70% turn to marriage. The percentage that turn to marriage within 5 years are 75% for White women, 61% for hispanic women, and 48% for Black women <- You can see why I'm personally against the idea.
Barbara Markey (1999) notes three groups of cohabitors: 1. Linus Blanket Relationship. (Sense of Security)This type of cohabiting relationship is founded on the overwhelming need to be involved with somebody. The desire to be loved is so overwhelming and strong that many will "settle for" rather than choose someone. It can be the male or female, but more often is the female. This person needs the security of being loved and cared for and will accept almost anyone.
2. Emancipation Relationship.This type of cohabiting relationship occurs when the person wants to prove to their peers or parents that they are free to make their own choices and not bound by constraints. This type of relationship is not one which encourages the couple to work through communication skills or conflict resolution. It is not a relationship that encourages the development toward marriage.
3. Convenience Relationship.This type of cohabiting relationship is convenient, it is said, for economic reasons. The intent is to split expenses 50/50. However, studies have found that women support the men. They contribute more than 70% of the income in a cohabiting relationship. It is said to be convenient, but when the going gets rough, it's invariably the woman who drops a class or two in order to keep up with all the duties, not the man. It is said to be convenient for egalitarian-type housekeeping where both are seen as equal. Instead it moves into traditional role patterns: male dominant, female submissive. The woman finds herself cleaning, cooking and doing laundry
4. Testing Relationship. This type of cohabiting relationship tests the water before jumping in. They are committed or think they are committed to getting married. They want to first see if they are compatible by practicing marriage. They have fewer problems than the other three relationships, but statistically they are still no better off in the long run for having successful marriages. Most cohabiting couples are not living together after four years. The people who move in together, who plan to someday marry, who are 'so in love' and are 'so happy', may not be together at all within four years.
Those who live together before marriage are the least likely to marry each other. A Columbia University study cited in New Woman magazine found that "only 26% of women surveyed and a scant 19% of the men married the person with whom they were cohabiting." A more comprehensive National Survey of Families and Households, based on interviews with 13,000 people, concluded, "About 40% of cohabiting unions in the U.S. break up without the couple getting married." One of the reasons may be that those who cohabit drift from one partner to another in search of the 'right' person. The average cohabitant has several partners in a lifetime.
Those who live together before marriage have higher separation and divorce rates. Psychology Today reported the findings of Yale University sociologist Neil Bennett that cohabiting women were 80% more likely to separate or divorce than were women who had not lived with their spouses before marriage.
The National Survey of Families and Households indicates that "unions begun by cohabitation are almost twice as likely to dissolve within 10 years compared to all first marriages: 57% to 30%."
Those who live together before marriage have unhappier marriages. A study by the National Council on Family Relations of 309 newlyweds found that those who cohabited first were less happy in marriage. Women complained about the quality of communication after the wedding. A study by researchers Alfred DeMars and Gerald Leslie (1984) found that those who live together prior to marriage scored lower on tests rating satisfaction with their marriages than couples who did not cohabit.
Those who have "trial" marriages do not have better marriages. Trial runs or half steps, to test whether the relationship "works" are not successful, in fact quite the opposite is true. Research indicates that couples who live together before marriage have significantly lower marital satisfaction than those who do not cohabit and they have weaker marriages, not stronger ones. A newly married couple makes a deliberate effort to accommodate each other because they know their relationship will be for life. They want to build compatibility, not test it. (Harley 1996).
Those who live together have no lasting commitments or responsibilities. Cohabitation involves "no public commitment, no pledge for the future, no official pronouncement of love and responsibility. Theirs is essentially a private arrangement based on an emotional bond. The 'commitment' of living together is simply a month-to-month rental agreement. "As long as you behave yourself and keep me happy, I'll stick around."
Marriage, on the other hand, is much more than a love partnership. It is a public event that involves legal and societal responsibilities. It brings together not just two people but also two families and two communities. It is not just for the here and now; it is, most newlyweds hope, 'till death do us part.' Getting married changes what you expect from your mate and yourself.
Those who live together before marriage can kill the romance. A woman most often see living together as romantic, while the man views the arrangement a "practical" solution that will help them iron out differences and strengthen their love (Scott 1994:80). In fact, live-in couples may find it harder to build lasting love precisely because they have lost their starry-eyed, romantic "illusions."
In all honesty, they say the same things about couples who have sex before marriage and there are plenty of couples having sex before marriage that are fine... but you've gotta wonder.
So I say, get the ring before you get the joint keys.
I had a debate with my roommate yesterday about the idea of cohabitating before marriage. She felt that it made sense to "test" the relationship before marriage to see if it would actually work, and cited personal examples of when it worked.
Fair enough, but I personally do not think cohabitation before marriage is worth it. First of all, there is the cliche - why make the commitment of marriage if you can get everything you want without taking the plunge? The sex, the convenience, someone to pick up after you, etc.. (I'm seriously considering abstinence before marriage.. I'm not kidding). Not to mention that men have the "if it ain't broke why fix it?" mentality more often than women do. You just spend years trying to caddle prod someone into doing something they really don't see the point in doing. Also, living together doesn't make the committment anymore probable. When you're living together before marriage you're still not married. What's the worse that's going to happen if you break it off? A broken lease? Well such is life. More than that, doesn't that take all the excitment out of marriage? When you cohabitate as a "natural progression" towards married, then when the guy pops the question its like "well, so what?" now I have a piece of paper, and a ring. What happened to building the romance, building the bonds of the relationship so that when you do get married, you're more committed to making things work? When you're cohabitating all that romance goes down the tubes. You see that person's stank ass day and night. You come home, they're there, doing something annoying. I feel that its probably better to have a more idealistic image of a person before marriage b/c even when they're annoying after marriage, you'll think, "well, we're in this together for the long haul" rather than, "Ew! He picks his nose hairs and leaves them in the sink, time to get rid of him."
I mean I could talk on and on about this, but how thrilled was I to find actual studies that corroborated my concerns. And not that you can ever absolutely predict the outcome of any one relationship, but just realize that even though you think you're different, and you're situation is different, eh, how many millions of people came before you thinking the same thing before they got divorced? I say that instead of cohabitating, get some pre-marital counseling before taking the plunge. That's probably a much better test than having to wake up next to your partner's stank ass before you're legally required to do it.
B/c I want to prove a point:
For all women, 39% of cohabitation relationships end in 3 years, and of those remaining, 58% turn to marriage. 49% of cohabitation relationships end in 5 years, and of those remaining, 70% turn to marriage. The percentage that turn to marriage within 5 years are 75% for White women, 61% for hispanic women, and 48% for Black women <- You can see why I'm personally against the idea.
Barbara Markey (1999) notes three groups of cohabitors: 1. Linus Blanket Relationship. (Sense of Security)This type of cohabiting relationship is founded on the overwhelming need to be involved with somebody. The desire to be loved is so overwhelming and strong that many will "settle for" rather than choose someone. It can be the male or female, but more often is the female. This person needs the security of being loved and cared for and will accept almost anyone.
2. Emancipation Relationship.This type of cohabiting relationship occurs when the person wants to prove to their peers or parents that they are free to make their own choices and not bound by constraints. This type of relationship is not one which encourages the couple to work through communication skills or conflict resolution. It is not a relationship that encourages the development toward marriage.
3. Convenience Relationship.This type of cohabiting relationship is convenient, it is said, for economic reasons. The intent is to split expenses 50/50. However, studies have found that women support the men. They contribute more than 70% of the income in a cohabiting relationship. It is said to be convenient, but when the going gets rough, it's invariably the woman who drops a class or two in order to keep up with all the duties, not the man. It is said to be convenient for egalitarian-type housekeeping where both are seen as equal. Instead it moves into traditional role patterns: male dominant, female submissive. The woman finds herself cleaning, cooking and doing laundry
4. Testing Relationship. This type of cohabiting relationship tests the water before jumping in. They are committed or think they are committed to getting married. They want to first see if they are compatible by practicing marriage. They have fewer problems than the other three relationships, but statistically they are still no better off in the long run for having successful marriages. Most cohabiting couples are not living together after four years. The people who move in together, who plan to someday marry, who are 'so in love' and are 'so happy', may not be together at all within four years.
Those who live together before marriage are the least likely to marry each other. A Columbia University study cited in New Woman magazine found that "only 26% of women surveyed and a scant 19% of the men married the person with whom they were cohabiting." A more comprehensive National Survey of Families and Households, based on interviews with 13,000 people, concluded, "About 40% of cohabiting unions in the U.S. break up without the couple getting married." One of the reasons may be that those who cohabit drift from one partner to another in search of the 'right' person. The average cohabitant has several partners in a lifetime.
Those who live together before marriage have higher separation and divorce rates. Psychology Today reported the findings of Yale University sociologist Neil Bennett that cohabiting women were 80% more likely to separate or divorce than were women who had not lived with their spouses before marriage.
The National Survey of Families and Households indicates that "unions begun by cohabitation are almost twice as likely to dissolve within 10 years compared to all first marriages: 57% to 30%."
Those who live together before marriage have unhappier marriages. A study by the National Council on Family Relations of 309 newlyweds found that those who cohabited first were less happy in marriage. Women complained about the quality of communication after the wedding. A study by researchers Alfred DeMars and Gerald Leslie (1984) found that those who live together prior to marriage scored lower on tests rating satisfaction with their marriages than couples who did not cohabit.
Those who have "trial" marriages do not have better marriages. Trial runs or half steps, to test whether the relationship "works" are not successful, in fact quite the opposite is true. Research indicates that couples who live together before marriage have significantly lower marital satisfaction than those who do not cohabit and they have weaker marriages, not stronger ones. A newly married couple makes a deliberate effort to accommodate each other because they know their relationship will be for life. They want to build compatibility, not test it. (Harley 1996).
Those who live together have no lasting commitments or responsibilities. Cohabitation involves "no public commitment, no pledge for the future, no official pronouncement of love and responsibility. Theirs is essentially a private arrangement based on an emotional bond. The 'commitment' of living together is simply a month-to-month rental agreement. "As long as you behave yourself and keep me happy, I'll stick around."
Marriage, on the other hand, is much more than a love partnership. It is a public event that involves legal and societal responsibilities. It brings together not just two people but also two families and two communities. It is not just for the here and now; it is, most newlyweds hope, 'till death do us part.' Getting married changes what you expect from your mate and yourself.
Those who live together before marriage can kill the romance. A woman most often see living together as romantic, while the man views the arrangement a "practical" solution that will help them iron out differences and strengthen their love (Scott 1994:80). In fact, live-in couples may find it harder to build lasting love precisely because they have lost their starry-eyed, romantic "illusions."
In all honesty, they say the same things about couples who have sex before marriage and there are plenty of couples having sex before marriage that are fine... but you've gotta wonder.
So I say, get the ring before you get the joint keys.
posted by GyangBang | 9:46 AM
7 Comments:
What a tour de force! (whatever the hell that means; something French...) I enjoyed reading it. I'm a little worried about you, though. You're really really really missing school, aren't you?
Anyhoo, I miss you. Last weekend was fun.
LOL! B/c I pretty much wrote a term paper on an insignificant topic? Well its not all my writing, there's some good copying, pasting and editing. My next post will be about ant hills..
I do miss school though.. Actually, I miss having a life! Sitting at home working/studying all day eating fish sticks and listening to NPR is NOT a life! OMG I can't believe I just admitted how pathetic I am. (Don't tell anyone :( )
Ahh I miss you too. I will def find time to visit Mich. They don't know what they've gotten themselves into ;)
If you went shoe shopping, you could try on the shoes in the store. You put them on and say, hey, this is a pretty good fit. You pay and take them home. After wearing them for a week, you decide they are uncomfortable, but you've already worn them on the street and now you're stuck with them.
You can also try them on at the store. buy them, and wear them around your house for a couple of days. You wear them while you cook, vaccuum, talk on the phone, write emails and drink coffee. After 3 or 4 days of this, you decide they don't feel right. You can take them back because you tried them out in your home first and they aren't dirty. No harm, no foul, full refund.
I see moving in together as a circa engagement type deal. You only move in with someone if you are pretty - very sure you're going to marry them, and equally importantly, you're pretty - very sure they're going to marry you. If they lied and said they did want to get married but when push comes to shove, they don't... well that sounds like poor communication to me. Probably something you should have investigated further before letting them bring all their shit to your place.
I wouldn't know, but my guess is that marriage is exciting for about ... a month? A year? Five years? You have to face the fact that "all that romance goes down the tubes" eventually. You will "see that person's stank ass day and night." They will annoy you to no ends. Better to have a realistic view - if you find yourself saying "Ew! He picks his nose hairs and leaves them in the sink" and it bothers you on the level that you actually would dump him, then it's a good thing you didn't get married! I don't think a ring and a piece of paper is really going to change your mindset to "well, we're in this together for the long haul" if you're the kind of person that really would get rid of a guy for the nose picking.
My point is, romance dies. If you kill it before you're married, all the better. You go into the marriage saying, "I know everything about this person. I know every annoying habit, every stupid mispronunciation, every snickers wrapper they have left in the couch cusions. I am marrying them anyway because even though I have dealt with all their bullshit, I love them and want to spend my life with them. I don't care that she can't leave the house without applying 45 minutes of make up or that he thinks that cleaning the bathroom is wiping off the counter with toilet paper. This is the one for me - I accept and love them for everything that they are. I believe that all their wonderful qualities outweight all the less attractive qualities."
And isn't that the most romantic thing of all?
No its not :) And for that matter, I don't think the shoe analogy is fitting either. Funny one site i found said how people always make that shoe analogy. If you return shoes no one gets hurt.. The company might lose a profit? Big deal.. If you break an engagement on the other hand shit hits the fan. There is plenty of harm and foul. Also, its more than a piece of paper and a ring. Which is why more and more people are divorcing after 2 years of marriage these days while they could have probably gone on "dating" towards marriage for a long time. B/c having that piece of paper is different. Hence the statistics I included.
In any case this is another topic where most people will have to agree to disagree. It's a very personal issue that involves your personal beliefs of what marriage should look like (killing the romance is personally depressing to me), the kind of people you date, the kind of person you want to marry, etc.
Which leads me to my next topic on why you shouldn't take dating advice from friends...
Oh another analogy people use to justify having sex before marriage: "I wouldn't buy a car without kicking the tires."
I think this is hilarious. Contrary to R. Kelly's song, I really hope I don't remind someone of a jeep. But if sex is important to you (editorial you), hey keep kicking the tires. It's just one of those things where when you're young you might think sex is very important but as you get older, you don't even have time for it. On top of that, women reach another sexual peak when there in their 50s. By that time, your husband is likely to start having erectile dysfunction anyway... one of life's great jokes..
Anyway, returning to my personally nunery..
You better not be shitting me about visiting! Or, more reasonably, maybe we can meet up in NY on vacations...hot damn! that sounds fun.
One more comment on this topic:
A problem is that cohabiting is confounded by the type of people who cohabit. For example, psychology has found that people who are religious often are happier individuals with happier marriages. These are the same kinds of people who don't cohabit before they marry. Is it the cohabiting, or is it the lifestyle of a religious person? What does this mean for people who aren't religious?
I guess that it's just a multi-faceted issue with no easy solutions. Gotta pick what's right for you.
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