Who Am I?

Leave it to a boyfriend (ah shit, did I let that word slip?) to elicit thoughts of self identity. Last night my roommate/bf/dating partner? (man i'm so confused) did something that annoyed me greatly; the kind of annoyance where your blood goes from normal to boiling in nanoseconds. What did he do? It seems that the usual ritual these days is for one of us to visit the other before we go to bed and just decompress. Yesterday he comes into my room to say "ok i'm tired i'm going to bed." All of a sudden I was angry and just gave him the uber-bitch look. Why was I angry? I guess it was a reaction out of fear, fear that he didnt want to "do this anymore." Did he say it? No. But I thought it, and that was enough for me to react off of. After dismissing anything that came out of his mouth at that point as useless drivel I turned my cheek and continued to read.

For a minute I thought of the idea of storming into his room and yelling at him. I gave it 10 minutes and by the end of that time I was no longer mad. Not to mention, he wouldn't even understand what the hell I'd be yelling about b/c I was projecting my thoughts onto him in the first place. I realized that I was having one of my "bratty" reactions. I want things when I want them and when I dont get them I get ANGRY! Its a reaction at a primitive level really, since I feel I have absolutely no control over it. In my hay (hey? who knows) day I wouldn't have waited the full 10 minutes. I would have just stormed into his room and complained, pouted, etc..

Do I think I'm a better person now for letting the little things slide? Hm, the real answer? Not really. As a matter of fact I'm so afraid of morphing back into the ultra-outspoken bitch on wheels I was in highschool, which by the way alienated me from my friends, that I let too many things slide. Big or small I let things go with little discretion, overcompensating for fear of ruffling too many feathers and again alienating myself from friends.

I guess part of the reason I'm so gung-ho about heading back east is b/c I know I'll more "me." Because, lets face it, people on the east coast are more real, honest, and bitter. Bitterness is not always a bad thing.. a huge burst of cold air on a snowy day can be a huge reality check. I kind of miss that side of me. I think now though, the difference is that I'm no longer in highschool. I've had the time to see the flip side of the coin (i.e. being happy and optimistic) and can now integrate all the parts of me I like and become a better me. B/c frankly, I'm too nice these days and I don't like it!

I also realize that I may not end up moving east any time soon. So maybe I should start implementing little steps to get me to a more "cohesive" place personality-wise... My end goal is to stop sensoring myself for fear of what others might think but also be more positive about the world around me. Doable? I think so...