With a grain of salt
While friends can be great pillars of advice for things you may be clueless about, I'd like to offer a caveat on taking dating advice from friends. DON'T DO IT!
Though it was probably fine to take dating advice from friends in junior high and high school, after college, its time you stand up on your own two feet and figure shit out for yourself. In junior high and high school people were pretty much the same, fit into very similar molds, most people weren't individuals. So what applied in one situation, probably applied across the board. During and after college, though, everything becomes a lot more complex. The only people you should really be taking dating advice from at this point are family and/or good friends of the person you're dating, good guy friends (who aren't trying to get into your pants), and maybe, maybe even your parents.. maybe..
While I love my girlfriends I've found that sometimes taking their advice or listening to their views on what relationships should look like can actually exacerbate any anxiety I might have about a situation. A friend has never made a dating situation that was good, worse, but when I'm unsure of things, girlfriends can definetly throw even bigger doubt into the mix. A recent study described by Psychology Today found that people in longterm relationships were the worst at detecting whether another couple who recently began dating were actually in love. Why? B/c people in longterm relationships already have their own ideas of what "love" should look like. So if your relationship doesn't fit into their mold, they're more likely to believe that something is amiss.
The same goes for girlfriends who aren't interested in the same kinds of guys you're into. If they date the emo type, and you date the uber alpha male type, chances are they're going to give you shitty advice. Not because they want to purposely sabotage your relationship, but b/c they see relationships through their own experiences - experiences which will differ greatly from your own. How many times have I been told that guys I like are assholes? A lot of the time I chuckle in my head and think, "yup, he is an asshole, and I love it." Why? B/c if I tried to date a guy who was boring and safe and called every day and did the things I asked him to do I'd be bored out of my mind and become completely disinterested. As fact - my friend just broke up with a guy that was nice and treated her "well." Why? B/c he had no pazazz! no cajones! In short, he wasn't an "asshole."
And I'd like to also straighten something out. There are two types of assholes, as well as two types of bitches. A "good" bitch is a woman who is confident, has high self esteem, won't let others walk all over her, doesn't overcompensate, and stays true to herself through and through. A "bad" bitch is someone who's just catty, bitter, probably has self esteem problems, and gets on everyone's goddamn nerves. Just like a "good" asshole is a guy who refuses to be overly feminized. Yeah he knows what you want, but a lot of the times, its now what he wants, so he's not going to cave and change who he is for other people. A "bad" asshole is a guy with poor values and moral character, lies, cheats, and should really have his ass kicked.
With that said, I actually prefer the "good" asshole. Makes life much more interesting.. less predictable, he's a guys guy, and a guy a lot of girlfriends might not like as much.. just like guy friends don't exactly love when their friend is dating a "bitch."
But in any case, I don't want to discount girlfriends as a source of dating advice. Sometimes you need to hear things from a different perspective to make a sound decision. Also, you may just be too close to something to see it for what it is.
So here are some questions you should ask yourself before you ask/take advice from a friend:
1.) Are they in a long term relationship?
This is important b/c if they are, chances are, they might be more critical of the behaviors of a person in a budding relationship than if you yourself were in a long term relationship. For instance I was talking to a friend about a guy I was dating that I hadn't talked to for a few days. Her reaction: "He hasn't called you yet? Fucker." My reaction: Well we're not in a committed relationship of any kind, I feel he doesn't need to make check up calls.. and for that matter, if he did I'd think it was creeeepy. And how many times have I heard a friend say "I wouldn't put up with that!" At which point I realize they have "conveniently" forgotten what they have put up with in the name of "love."
2.) Would you touch their current partner or past partners with a 10 foot pole?
If the answer is no, maybe you shouldn't be asking them for advice. If they have a history of dating guys who are too [insert adjective], which would make your skin crawl, chances are they're only going to be able to give you advice on how to handle such a guy. Run! B/c the advice they are likely to give you will most likely ruin your current situation. But if you think they've had great boyfriends in the past and are dating a great guy, ask away! You'll learn a thing or two.
3.) Do you guys share the same dating MO's?
If you're just dating to have fun and they're usually in relationships or vice versa, again you're setting yourself up for bad advice. You don't want a boyfriend, so why give a shit about how much or how often he shows he "cares." I once told a friend asking for advice that she should not answer this particular guy's phone calls for a week. Then either answer or call him back the following week. Her response: "Psshhh.. I'm just looking for some ass. If I don't answer his calls how am I going to get any this weekend?" Me: Oh! Well in that case by all means, go ahead. If you wanted someone drooling over you at just the sound of your name, then take my advice. Just want a piece of ass? Definetly dont.
4.) Has their dating advice helped you in the past?
If the answer is no, then don't keep asking. Your friend is well intentioned but in the end a lot of us have different emotional needs, different relationship goals, and different tastes.
So in conclusion, take a girlfriend's dating advice with a grain of salt unless they're dating the same exact way you want to be dating. This advice goes for guys too. How many times have I heard a guy say "well my girl friend told me that girls like this and that I should share my feelings blah blah blah." Yeah if you want to be a sap that she walks all over, then yes, listen to advice from a woman. Otherwise ask a guy who's a babe magnet and he'll tell you whats up.
Though it was probably fine to take dating advice from friends in junior high and high school, after college, its time you stand up on your own two feet and figure shit out for yourself. In junior high and high school people were pretty much the same, fit into very similar molds, most people weren't individuals. So what applied in one situation, probably applied across the board. During and after college, though, everything becomes a lot more complex. The only people you should really be taking dating advice from at this point are family and/or good friends of the person you're dating, good guy friends (who aren't trying to get into your pants), and maybe, maybe even your parents.. maybe..
While I love my girlfriends I've found that sometimes taking their advice or listening to their views on what relationships should look like can actually exacerbate any anxiety I might have about a situation. A friend has never made a dating situation that was good, worse, but when I'm unsure of things, girlfriends can definetly throw even bigger doubt into the mix. A recent study described by Psychology Today found that people in longterm relationships were the worst at detecting whether another couple who recently began dating were actually in love. Why? B/c people in longterm relationships already have their own ideas of what "love" should look like. So if your relationship doesn't fit into their mold, they're more likely to believe that something is amiss.
The same goes for girlfriends who aren't interested in the same kinds of guys you're into. If they date the emo type, and you date the uber alpha male type, chances are they're going to give you shitty advice. Not because they want to purposely sabotage your relationship, but b/c they see relationships through their own experiences - experiences which will differ greatly from your own. How many times have I been told that guys I like are assholes? A lot of the time I chuckle in my head and think, "yup, he is an asshole, and I love it." Why? B/c if I tried to date a guy who was boring and safe and called every day and did the things I asked him to do I'd be bored out of my mind and become completely disinterested. As fact - my friend just broke up with a guy that was nice and treated her "well." Why? B/c he had no pazazz! no cajones! In short, he wasn't an "asshole."
And I'd like to also straighten something out. There are two types of assholes, as well as two types of bitches. A "good" bitch is a woman who is confident, has high self esteem, won't let others walk all over her, doesn't overcompensate, and stays true to herself through and through. A "bad" bitch is someone who's just catty, bitter, probably has self esteem problems, and gets on everyone's goddamn nerves. Just like a "good" asshole is a guy who refuses to be overly feminized. Yeah he knows what you want, but a lot of the times, its now what he wants, so he's not going to cave and change who he is for other people. A "bad" asshole is a guy with poor values and moral character, lies, cheats, and should really have his ass kicked.
With that said, I actually prefer the "good" asshole. Makes life much more interesting.. less predictable, he's a guys guy, and a guy a lot of girlfriends might not like as much.. just like guy friends don't exactly love when their friend is dating a "bitch."
But in any case, I don't want to discount girlfriends as a source of dating advice. Sometimes you need to hear things from a different perspective to make a sound decision. Also, you may just be too close to something to see it for what it is.
So here are some questions you should ask yourself before you ask/take advice from a friend:
1.) Are they in a long term relationship?
This is important b/c if they are, chances are, they might be more critical of the behaviors of a person in a budding relationship than if you yourself were in a long term relationship. For instance I was talking to a friend about a guy I was dating that I hadn't talked to for a few days. Her reaction: "He hasn't called you yet? Fucker." My reaction: Well we're not in a committed relationship of any kind, I feel he doesn't need to make check up calls.. and for that matter, if he did I'd think it was creeeepy. And how many times have I heard a friend say "I wouldn't put up with that!" At which point I realize they have "conveniently" forgotten what they have put up with in the name of "love."
2.) Would you touch their current partner or past partners with a 10 foot pole?
If the answer is no, maybe you shouldn't be asking them for advice. If they have a history of dating guys who are too [insert adjective], which would make your skin crawl, chances are they're only going to be able to give you advice on how to handle such a guy. Run! B/c the advice they are likely to give you will most likely ruin your current situation. But if you think they've had great boyfriends in the past and are dating a great guy, ask away! You'll learn a thing or two.
3.) Do you guys share the same dating MO's?
If you're just dating to have fun and they're usually in relationships or vice versa, again you're setting yourself up for bad advice. You don't want a boyfriend, so why give a shit about how much or how often he shows he "cares." I once told a friend asking for advice that she should not answer this particular guy's phone calls for a week. Then either answer or call him back the following week. Her response: "Psshhh.. I'm just looking for some ass. If I don't answer his calls how am I going to get any this weekend?" Me: Oh! Well in that case by all means, go ahead. If you wanted someone drooling over you at just the sound of your name, then take my advice. Just want a piece of ass? Definetly dont.
4.) Has their dating advice helped you in the past?
If the answer is no, then don't keep asking. Your friend is well intentioned but in the end a lot of us have different emotional needs, different relationship goals, and different tastes.
So in conclusion, take a girlfriend's dating advice with a grain of salt unless they're dating the same exact way you want to be dating. This advice goes for guys too. How many times have I heard a guy say "well my girl friend told me that girls like this and that I should share my feelings blah blah blah." Yeah if you want to be a sap that she walks all over, then yes, listen to advice from a woman. Otherwise ask a guy who's a babe magnet and he'll tell you whats up.
posted by GyangBang | 12:55 PM
3 Comments:
While I agree with you that you shouldn't take advice on how to handle a RELATIONSHIP, I do think that friend can offer better perspective on the PERSON, especially in the early stages. In the past, I've found that I'm often blinded by romance, and my judgment goes to shit, and afterwards I wake up and think, "What was I thinking?"
There is one condition on which you should always take a girlfriend's advice, and that's when she says, "Honey! You can do SO much better that that!" Nine times out of ten this means that the dude is a douche or a loser (generally, not assholes) who somehow fooled you into thinking he was in your league.
God...am I evil?
Wow, I agree with you! You should seriously write one of those "he's just not that into you" books. It's kinda common sense, but you could be a freaking millionaire! You made such good points, but they are subtleties that not everybody thinks about when asking for advice. I just stumbled across your blog and read this entry b/c it looked interesting. There's this girl at Stanford trying to run a website called "stanfordsingle" and she's trying to revolutionize the dating scene at Stanford. The blog is at www.xanga.com/stanfordsingle. Her advice is pretty freaking condescending...so your advice is like a million times better. She's getting a column in the Daily next year...you could shut her out of business! But seriously...you should do something with this advice. Freaking sell it to Cosmo magazine for one 'sensible' article...but they'd probably never publish it b/c it is too logical! Aaanyway. Awesome advice. Rock on.
[snap] I agree - if you wouldn't date the guys your friend dates, her advice is probably mostly useless to you, unless you are changing your type or (as Rex suggested) want an evaluation of his character (is he a good asshole or a bad asshole? I'm so moony-eyed I think he's Jesus).
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