Good relationship models
"Do you know anyone who has a relationship model that you like?"
A friend asked me this question the other day and it suddenly dawned on me that, no! I didn't. It came up b/c since getting back with the ex I've been a lot less anxious about him calling or about the amout of time spent together. I also don't feel the need to talk to him everyday and find myself realizing that when I need space, he needs space, we take it, and we come back together. But when we first dated (and lived together *shudder*) the dynamic was so different. I needed space sometimes, probably not as much as he did, and I expected him to want to talk to me every night until the wee hours (who cares if people have to go to work in the morning!) and give me a kiss good night every day. When he didn't do these things I got annoyed. What a crock of BS. Thankfully since then, I've escaped the opium den of dellusion.
The problem was not him as much as the fact that I was operating under relationship models that I had seen that worked (i.e. lead to meaningful relationships and marriage). My friends in college who got married saw their bf/gf everyday, talked on the phone with each other everyday, and were practically inseperable. So in my head I thought, aha, if a relationship is to be successful you should be inseperable from day one.
Wrong, wrong, and more wrong.
Erroneously, I was looking at relationships started by people who were relatively young. For younger people, identity development is still in the works. You hardly know who the hell you are and may have some idea of what you want out of life but its all still hazy. When you start dating someone else who is at the same point in their lives, there is a tendency to mesh, to come so close to each other yet not even realize you're infringing on each others identity. And that works. Its like two ameobas coming together.
But what happens when you get older or when your identity is more hardened? It must be that older people/people with more concrete identities operate under a different relationship model. There is less meshing and the more someone tries to mesh with you the more you feel your life is being intruded upon. You'd feel suffocated and need more space. This relationship more resembles two magnetical balls. At a certain closeness the two magnets attract, try to get any closer and they'll fly apart.
The magnetical balls model of relationships is one I've never seen. Where are the couples who don't see each other every day of the week, or who talk on the phone more like every other day instead of every day and love each other just as much as the ameoba couple?
Well I don't know. I'm assuming the older my friends get, the more I will see them enter the "magnetical balls" type of relationship. The good thing is that since realizing that not all "successful" relationships look alike, I no longer hold mine to the standards of the ameoba relationship. Come to think of it, I'm not sure my current relationship fits the "magnetical balls" model perfectly either. Maybe we're more like huge bouncing rubber balls. We get really close sometimes then bounce off into our own lives, then bounce back together.. Hm, good enough analogy for me :-)
Right now I'll just have to go with what feels right. And that's all I can go on.
A friend asked me this question the other day and it suddenly dawned on me that, no! I didn't. It came up b/c since getting back with the ex I've been a lot less anxious about him calling or about the amout of time spent together. I also don't feel the need to talk to him everyday and find myself realizing that when I need space, he needs space, we take it, and we come back together. But when we first dated (and lived together *shudder*) the dynamic was so different. I needed space sometimes, probably not as much as he did, and I expected him to want to talk to me every night until the wee hours (who cares if people have to go to work in the morning!) and give me a kiss good night every day. When he didn't do these things I got annoyed. What a crock of BS. Thankfully since then, I've escaped the opium den of dellusion.
The problem was not him as much as the fact that I was operating under relationship models that I had seen that worked (i.e. lead to meaningful relationships and marriage). My friends in college who got married saw their bf/gf everyday, talked on the phone with each other everyday, and were practically inseperable. So in my head I thought, aha, if a relationship is to be successful you should be inseperable from day one.
Wrong, wrong, and more wrong.
Erroneously, I was looking at relationships started by people who were relatively young. For younger people, identity development is still in the works. You hardly know who the hell you are and may have some idea of what you want out of life but its all still hazy. When you start dating someone else who is at the same point in their lives, there is a tendency to mesh, to come so close to each other yet not even realize you're infringing on each others identity. And that works. Its like two ameobas coming together.
But what happens when you get older or when your identity is more hardened? It must be that older people/people with more concrete identities operate under a different relationship model. There is less meshing and the more someone tries to mesh with you the more you feel your life is being intruded upon. You'd feel suffocated and need more space. This relationship more resembles two magnetical balls. At a certain closeness the two magnets attract, try to get any closer and they'll fly apart.
The magnetical balls model of relationships is one I've never seen. Where are the couples who don't see each other every day of the week, or who talk on the phone more like every other day instead of every day and love each other just as much as the ameoba couple?
Well I don't know. I'm assuming the older my friends get, the more I will see them enter the "magnetical balls" type of relationship. The good thing is that since realizing that not all "successful" relationships look alike, I no longer hold mine to the standards of the ameoba relationship. Come to think of it, I'm not sure my current relationship fits the "magnetical balls" model perfectly either. Maybe we're more like huge bouncing rubber balls. We get really close sometimes then bounce off into our own lives, then bounce back together.. Hm, good enough analogy for me :-)
Right now I'll just have to go with what feels right. And that's all I can go on.
posted by GyangBang | 12:43 PM
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