Are you SURE????

I pride myself on being able to ignore the main stream and walk to the beat of my own drum... but two things happened that are making me realize I'm moving further away from who I am, not closer.

The first one is simple: I'm going away for a week and needed someone to watch Max. I, almost reflexively, asked my boyfriend to do it, not realizing that since he works all day the person who would end up doing it was his mom. When I left for 3 weeks for winter break his parents watched my dog for most of the time. So I asked him, and he ended up asking his mother who responded A.) She's going to be gone half of the week so the other half my dog would have to be stuck in the kennel with their two other dogs and B.) She didn't want to spend half of her week watching another dog.

As soon as my boyfriend said this I thought, "Oh no! How careless of me!" One thing that has always stuck with me since I was a kid was my mother's idea that overstaying your welcome is practically a sin. You should never be a burden on other people. I should have realized that the 3 weeks during winter break was enough and should have never asked again...

Second point:

I was talking to a friend about her relationship stories when she turned and asked how things were going w/ my bf. And I said that they were fine blah blah. And she asked the dreaded question as to whether or not we were "serious." Instead of my usual hemming and hawing I responded, "yeah I want to get married.. or maybe just engaged.. I dunno its a weird feeling." To which she responded, "Whoa! Are you 100% sure with him? Didn't you guys just kinda break up?" It was kind of like I was just walking aimlessly in the relationship department, not really conscious of my surroundings, just kind of blurting things out. Then her question was the apple that fell on my head. Ok, not quite as profound as an apple, maybe more like a stray pebble. I thought about it and said, "You know, I don't know." She laughed and said that I SHOULD know something about it if I'm speaking about FOREVER. I agreed and then had to run.

I think somehow, unconsciously, the idea of marriage slipped into my head. Granted he mentioned it in conversation at some point in our 'getting back together' talk, but again, the Bang I know would have just brushed it off as hot air until I had further proof of his qualifications. Then I realized its almost June - marriage season. Which makes May engagement season. Then I thought back to my trip with my sorority sisters and realized that marriage was ALL anyone was really talking about. As people talked about their marriages, their engagements, their future hopes for a wedding, I was just moping around about my recent break up.. but somehow it all seeped in and just became a "given."

So in this sense, I haven't been marching to my own drummer. Not that I can help the subconscious messages I receive from day to day, but if I'd THINK more, I'd realize what it was that was driving me to do and think things I wouldn't normally think or do.

I blame part of this on school. Thinking becomes so tiring that sometimes I don't mind turning my brain off from time to time...


Funny, as soon as I decided to start "thinking" again a weight lifted off of me.. I've had to do a lot of "weight lifting" recently and I'm not quite sure what it could be beyond my environment. Old med students with families and young insecure med students who work my nerve.. not the best place to be, but whatcha gonna do? Go to business school for a year! Thats what! :-)