The Ugly Duckling Syndrome

Friend: "We all went through that phase [of being ugly and awkward]. Some of us just never made it out."

I was watching the first episode of the new Real World - Key West on MTV today and one of the characters really brought pain to my heart. Not really.. I actually just felt sorry for her and felt that she was pathetic but then realized that, oh wait, I've been there too.

In one of the scenes Svetlana (admittedly attractive Russian Jew who acts like she's still in high school.. then again she's still 19.. yet there is no mention of college..hmm) says something like "omg i look so sweaty and gross." John (meat-head from the west coast that isnt really attractive but somehow tv makes him look better than he probably really is) chimes in and says "no you look beautiful! Your face is like a Picasso!" Immediatly Paula (bulemic blonde chick from CT) responds to John by saying "Ugh, listening to you makes me sick." John, completely confused, starts a drunken argument with said bulemic girl, which eventually causes her to overract and start hyperventilating. Later they cut to a scene where Paula is talking to one of the roommates and says something like "I dont like guys. They make me nervous. I dont know they just make me nervous."

Ok so one of the roommates did point out that the Paula chick probably went through something traumatic in her life which causes her to want control and thats why she's bulemic... but lets take another look at the situation...

Its obvious to me, and probably to any woman who has gone through the ugly duckling phase - a place where Paula seems to be perpetually stuck even though its all in her head - that Paula's malice towards John is that he wasn't attracted to her. Instead of being attracted to the skinny, blonde girl, he looked at a brunette w/ big boobs and curves and said, "you're beautiful." Paula's immediate reaction was to revile against someone who discredited the value she saw in herself. For so long she has painstakingly attempted to become the image of beauty she and her peers praise. John's praise of someone other than herself was obviously the worst thing he could do to someone who thrives on external validation. I'd also venture a guess that in CT, tall, skinny, blondes go to the highest bidder and Paula can't take not being hit on constantly.

I went through my ugly duckling phase in junior high, like most, and it trailed off into my college freshman days. It wasn't until Spring quarter of freshman year that I started to feel "different" about myself. Since junior high, men also mad me "nervous." Why? B/c they were critical and didnt like "me." Or so I thought. B/c of the mean comments I got here and there I was uncomfortable in a guy's company b/c I couldn't help but think he was looking at me and saying "ick." External validation was all I had and when it didn't come I felt like S-H-I-T. Jealousy runs rampant when you're in that phase of your life.

But then all of a sudden something had changed within me. I decided that I was going to have confidence in myself and my abilities. I reasoned that there are plenty of lame ass people walking the earth that feel damn good about themselves. And in feeling good about themselves they lead happier lives. I decided that only I was making myself feel bad about myself and my life. When its time to turn the lights off and enter eternal reprieve from this life, do I want to look back and think that my life could have been better if only I had better "thoughts?"

I decided to fake it until I made it. I would act confident even if I didn't feel it inside. I would stop feeling nervous about men b/c that gave strangers too much say on how I felt about myself. I actually think confidence building goes in stages. At first you feel at the mercy of others because you take their judgements to heart. But once you decide to become self-confident, you rebel against the status-quo, as to say, "Go ahead, say something, see if I care.. because I don't anymore." Its a rebellion against the external validation you thought you needed. My rebellion was expressed through my wardrobe. Looking back I wore some pretty funky things sophomore year and I loved it!

But eventually you learn a system of internal validation. Others don't matter so much because I am the ultimate arbiter of my worth. And all of a sudden the angst slips away.. It is as if you've shed you're old skin and come into being more.. you.

Its when you've built self-confidence that your sensitivity to external judgement decreases. I'm dark, with dark hair, and dark eyes. If a guy says that he thinks someone who doesnt fit this category is hot.. well so be it.. it means absolutely nothing to me.. well unless he's my bf or husband :) And b/c I went to a prestigious institution I also had to overcome a lack of academic confidence.. Thank goodness I overcame that one too.

Because of my confidence today it pains me when I see people act out of lack of self-confidence. Don't get me wrong, I slip too. You can't always be 100% confident. There are always moments of insecurity. But when insecurity leads a person's life they are just sad. As a matter of fact, its much better to be friends with confident people than people who are not. B/c truly confident people wont try to bring you down or try to build themselves up at your expense.

It's interesting thought because I'm finding out that there are many areas of confidence. There is self-esteem which I mostly feel relates to interpersonal relationsips. There is the confidence in your abilities in your career. Confidence in your ability to navigate life in general.. I'm sure the list goes on but those are what come to mind. And I enumerate them in order to say, just because a person has confidence in one realm doesn't mean they have it in another. How many times have you heard of the business executive who kicks ass in the boardroom but sucks when it comes to dealing with men or women b/c they dont think they're [insert adjective] enough. Truly kick ass people have faced the different arenas in their lives and are self-assured enough to know their strengths and build on them and to know their weaknesses and not feel bad about them.

The last time I suffered from a moment of insecurity was near Thanksgiving. It was when my roommate invited my other roommate and I to his house for Thanksgiving dinner. My roommate's brother kept making comments about how hot he thought my other roommate was and would actually indulge her in her COMPLETE idiocy. You know, come to think of it, at first I thought that maybe I was annoyed b/c he called her hot.. and that might have made me insecure.. But when I think more about it I think I was mostly annoyed that BECAUSE he thought she was hot he excused her stupidity... yeah that was it... What's worse than a dumb chick is a dumb chick with a guy egging her on.. oh the agony.