I don't care- Follow Up

So I asked one of my older male friends why someone you don't know well would give a rats ass who you date, and he gave me the following response:

Perhaps C's a hot, fun-loving partyer looking for either Abercrombie models, WB hunks, or guys who spend way too much time at the gym. She doesn't understand why someone would want a dignified, sincere-looking, non-playerlike gentleman.
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I can believe that. Though I don't quite understand the model hunt after a person reaches the age of 25, unless of course they're not really looking to get married until they're in their 30s.. which makes it fine in my book.

Standing at a corner, waiting for no one

There is this quote that goes something like - There is nothing more powerful than to stand at a corner and wait for no one. I still, till this day, do not understand what it means, but I think the person who was quoting it was trying to express the point that being content with who you are is a powerful thing.. I think..

In any case, after coming out of a ROUGH quarter - crazy academic load, teacher died, troubles with close family members - I have come to the point in my life where I can say I am truly jealous of no one... NO ONE.

This quarter I found out that I am one of very few minorities at my med school that doesn't drive a luxury car - BMW, Mercedes, you name it, apparently they all have them. I on the other hand drive a Mazda Protege that has more dents in it than it should (I should really work on my parking). Jealous much? Nope.

This quarter I found out that no matter how hard I study, there are at least 15-20 people in my class that will do better on an exam than I will. Jealous much? Nope

This quarter I found out that even though people say that everyone has issues to deal with in life, a lot of people don't get the brunt of the burden. I will always have to deal with things that other people can't even fathom. Jealous much? Nope.

This quarter I had friends who quit their jobs or decided to tone down their schedules and relaxed on beaches and/or travelled the world... while I worked like a slave. Jealous much? Nope.

And to what prompted this post - one of my old roommates still can't believe that I'm dating my current boyfriend (she was roommates with him at the time as well) and she goes on and on about how great her boyfriend is and how I could always find someone hotter, more cultured, blah blah. Jealous much? Nope.

To the last point, its quite funny actually, this old roommate of mine. She was a random person from craigslist who I became roommates with and went out with on occasion. And when she found out I was dating our third roommate, she just couldn't believe it. Everytime we would get drunk she'd ask me why I was dating him and site how "beautiful and sophisticated" I was and how I could get anybody, so why him? Her questions were strange and I didn't take much offense to them for three reasons - 1.) My bf thought she was an idiot so he never took much time to talk to her or explain anything to her; 2.) she thought HE was an idiot, who must be a trailer trash republican, who couldn't work out simple problems; 3.) She had just gotten dumped by the "love of her life" and so I just figured she was hurting and taking it out on people..

I found her view of my bf to be absolutely hilarious - for the record his dad is the CEO of a civil engineering firm, he grew up in a house that his dad built, not a trailer, and he was in talented and gifted programs since he was in elementary school. I never explained those things to her, I just kept letting her be puzzled about the whole thing.

Since she's moved to So Cal and seems to be enjoying her life and is "in a relationship" I thought it would be the last I'd here of her bf bashing.. Oh but quite the contrary. Today I got a message from myspace that said that my old roommate had commented twice on some pictures. I looked at them and underneath a picture of my boyfriend and I she posts "WHAAAAAATTT!!!!" twice.

And so now I'm not sure what to take of her recent comments.. which are very public and could be taken as offensive by my bf or any of his friends. I mean, she's not a good friend so I don't take them seriously, and will have to take them down before my bf gets back. Buuuuttt... I can't seem to understand why she cares so God Damn much!!!!!!! We're not friends, why do you caaaaare?

I mean I've been told before that my bf is hot, or cute, or plain, or not "sophisticated." Lol. I always find the last one to be funny. As a matter of fact I now remember another girlfriend who (drunkenly) freely said, "Yeah, when I first met him he seemed like a nice guy. I mean I guess I thought he must be packin since he didn't seem like your type." "What's my type?" I asked. "Oh well I just thought you'd be more into the city slicker type who was smooth and well-dressed." "Oh," I said and moved on. I used to explain to friends at least what i saw in him. But now I'd through doing that. I see no need to justify my choice in a guy. Though as one friend put it, it took me so long to pick someone that they thought I was holding out for someone larger than life. Lol. No.

I'm happy with where my life is and who I share it with.. so what really interests me in this whole thing is why someone (my ex roommate) would care so damn much.

There is the simple explanation - Jealousy. But I'm not sure it would be that. Its one thing if she was jealous that I had a bf and she didn't, but thats certainly not the case now. Also, if she doesn't think he's the greatest thing since sliced bread, well then, what is there to be jealous about? Another explanation - anger at perceived mismatch of leauges? I'm not really sure about this one either. I mean if I see a super model and I see a guy who I think is ugly and they're dating I may wonder "why him?" to myself but to constantly spew out comments about the topic? Nope.. especially if they have nothing to do with my life. It's one thing if I had an annoying roommate who "ehem" had her bf over all the time and I couldn't stand it and in my bitching I also brought up the fact that he was really unattractive and I couldn't see why they were dating.. but save for that.. nope.. couldn't see myself giving a damn. A third explanation - she told me a couple of times that my bf reminded me of an ex-bf. Although, I feel there was a lot of projection going on there. Apparently her ex-bf was crazy and tore up their apartment - which she had to pay for - and threatened to hurt her cat - crazy - all things my bf wouldn't do so I'm not sure where that comes from...

But they say that when we have a strong emotional reaction to something it has to do with something that bothers us that happened when we were younger... I don't know enough about the girl so who knows.

Then again, maybe all my friends talk shit, but since they're friends they don't say it to my face. Maybe thats it. That makes more sense than anything else I could come up with.

And maybe it'll be one of those situations where I wake up one day and think "OMG what was I thinking?" My mom said she did that with my dad once she left him. Ha.

Either way, this is the face of someone so content with their lives that they just don't care -------> <(^-^)>

Even when I try to like them... I still can't stand them

There's this girl in my class who has the MOST annoying voice ever... actually there are a few, but hers is pretty damn annoying. On top of the pitch just being a really strange sound, she also makes statements in a way that makes them sound like questions.

Today she did two particularly annoying things - After hearing the requirements of doing a TAship in anatomy she whined to one of the current anatomy TAs about how she was SOOO torn between TAing for anatomy or practice of medicine OR neurobiology... she just loooves neurobiology. SHUT UP BITCH! Why are you whining? What a dilemma!

Secondly as I was reading the readings for today.. which I really should have done before class, I realized something else. We were sitting in section and she asked the TA a question. The TA stated her answer and the girl just said "ok" and stared at the TA as if she was an idiot. Something told me that she didn't really believe the TA response, but whatever. As I read tonight though, I discovered that the girls question should have been answered differently. The annoying part is that she KNEW the TA was wrong and decided to give her a dumb look and smirk instead of saying "I thought I remembered reading such and such." Maybe she tried to spare the TA's feelings.. who knows. But DAMN, hearing her voice in general is equivalent to having to hear nails scratch down a blackboard. Yeah.. its that bad.. ugh!

Am I becoming Republican? GASP!

LOL. I knew I should have never started dating a republican... In any case, I'll just chalk it up to that quote by that guy who said to be liberal in your youth makes sense, but if you're not conservative by the time you get older you're just an idiot.. lol.. Yeah I rock.

Anyway, the more and more I think about it, the more that it scares me that many people in the U.S. want a more socialized state. And to be completely honest, I can see what the article below is talking about when I look at the African American community in the U.S. Democrats want to keep giving them welfare b/c they feel its "fare" because of all the history. Republicans would say, "time's up! get your shit together! we've helped you enough!" Well I'm not that extreme. I do feel that there should be some socialist organizations in this country to help people get on their feet. But I think we can take it too far if we let our sympathy rather than our cold-hearted logic get out of hand.

Anyway here is the article:

http://www.washingtontimes.com/op-ed/20070213-095004-8271r.htm

Reshaping America

By Paul BelienPublished February 14, 2007



Those who think that Europe is America's past, think again.Europe matters to America. It matters more than ever before. Nancy Pelosi, Hillary Clinton, Ted Kennedy and the liberal special-interest groups that currently dominate Congress want to reshape America in Europe's image: socialist, secularist and multicultural.

Americans who want to know what their country will be like 20 years from now if it follows the path its politicians want it to take, need only look at Europe. There, one can see what the undermining of Judeo-Christian values, higher taxes, onerous regulations and big, intrusive government will lead to: the collapse of a civilization.

First there was the rise of the welfare state, which led to the steady emergence of highly taxed, slow-moving and maladaptive economies that must support growing and eventually unsupportable demands by the citizens.

Second, there was secularism. People who have the state taking care of them from the cradle to the grave no longer need God. The welfare state also intentionally undermined religion to crush the spirit of freedom among its subjects. And it undermined demographics, because people who do not believe in God do not believe in the future and see children as a burden.

Third, a wholly new danger emerged, namely that of welfare immigration -- the immigration of people, increasingly from cultures which have not been shaped by the basic forces of European civilization, who come purely for the purpose of claiming benefits.

Take Holland, for example, Europe's equivalent of San Francisco. This is Pelosi Land. The Dutch are pampered by an extensive welfare system. They were the first in Europe to legalize abortion, euthanasia and homosexual "marriage." Today, Islam is filling the void that was left when the Dutch created a religious vacuum in the heart of their culture. There are already 1 million Muslims in the Netherlands out of a total population of 16 million. Their number is rising fast because the Muslims are fecund while the secularist Dutch have hardly any offspring.

The native Dutch are moving out. Since 2004, more indigenous Dutchmen have emigrated each year than immigrants have moved in. People who have lost faith in God do not fight. They run. Since they do not believe in life after death, this life is the only thing they have to lose. One emigrant Dutchman, a homosexual author who lives in Brussels, writes: "I am not a warrior. I do not fight for freedom. I am only good at enjoying it." This mentality has affected the whole of Western Europe. A young German woman recently said that it is "better to let yourself be raped than risk injuries while resisting, better to avoid fighting than risk death." Europe has chosen the path of submission. Islamization is not the cause but the consequence of the collapse of Europe. The very word Islam means "submission." Many Europeans have submitted already. In that sense, they have already become Muslims. At the root of the collapse of Western Europe's civilization is the self-inflicted disease of welfarism. It saps people of the strength to take care of themselves, to stand up for their rights, to fight for their freedoms. And yet, while the European example is there for all to see, Mrs. Pelosi's Congress wants to introduce the same in America.

Today, the Europeans are creating a supranational welfare system, the European Union (EU). After having sacrificed their liberties for cradle-to-grave security, they are now sacrificing their centuries-old nation-states. Some Americans think that the EU is a kind of United States of Europe. They are wrong. While the U.S. Constitution protects the liberties of the people, the EU constitution abolishes them. While the U.S. Constitution recognizes that there is an authority higher than the state -- God -- the EU constitution deliberately refrains from mentioning God.

On Jan. 16, Europe's Nancy Pelosi -- the newly elected speaker of the European Parliament, a German Christian-Democrat called Hans-Gert Poettering -- announced that he will not press for a reference to God in the EU constitution because he wants to be a "fair and objective" speaker.

Europe's contemporary culture is one of "repudiation," a culture based on negatives for every aspect of the traditional European heritage (Christianity, monogamous marriage, national loyalty, monocultural identity and so on). This is the culture that Mrs. Pelosi wants to introduce in America. But look at what Europe has become. Its refusal to uphold the old forms of moral and civil order make it impossible to curb the welfare state, to control immigration, to maintain order in the cities. If America follows Mrs. Pelosi's lead, this is what it will get. Welcome to the future, look at Europe. Paul Belien is editor of the Brussels Journal and an adjunct fellow of the Hudson Institute.

OK, I'm over it

So in chatting with a friend today, and even in just blogging about the issue, I have gained more clarity on why I have such a strong gut reaction to someone I don't know. And I realized its more than just "not feeling special." I mean there are only 4 black people in my entire med school class, how much more "special" do I want to feel? So it more has to do with my sense of fairness. Is it fair that I have to deal with X and this person only deals with Y and we get to the same place?

Well this is going to sound creepy, but I'm going to go ahead and say it. In an effort to confront my feelings and try to fix them, or at least find out their source, I used face book. She didn't have much about herself listed but I looked at her friend comments. And friend after friend wrote, "Congrats. I know you wanted to go there really badly!"

It reminded me of a conversation I had with her a while back where she asked me if I knew S; S as in my former biatch roommate. When I told her what S was up to she practically did a dance. She told me how S thought she was SO much better than her because S skipped a grade and went to Stanford and now S is workin' retail.

So here is a girl who didn't get into her top school for undergrad and had a burning passion to return for grad school and prove to the S biatch and everyone else that she is worthy to grace the halls of her top choice school. Apparently she did a bunch of lab research on lord knows what, but damn. I gotta respect someone who works that hard to get somewhere.. meanwhile I spent my college days partying way too much, writing papers about stuff I don't even remember now, and applied to my alma mater on a whim and here I am... so I guess.. different paths for different people.

I am settled now and am at peace with myself... for now I think this summer I'm going to take some meditation class.. I think it can do wonders for someone like me who is constantly all over the place!

Sigh

Self growth is H-A-R-D

I'm always an advocate for self-growth. There are many times in ones life when it is best to take stock of who one is, what faults one has, and how to improve on those faults. Though I have many faults, I have found that I usually like concentrating on the easy ones to fix. For example, not being nice to people. That's an easy one to fix. I'll just smile more and not say anything rude or obnoxious, and filter anything that might hurt someone's feelings. See! Easy. But there is this problem that I have that I've been trying to fix for years, and it is extremely hard to overcome it. I hate to even admit it, but I'm not a humble person.

Don't get me wrong, I'm obstensibly humble. I won't go bragging on about anything just for the sake of it, but the fact that I am ultimately not humble comes up in a strange situation. When I look over at people and find fault with them, something in me wants me to feel better than them for some reason. "Oh its ok they're smarter, they're ugly." Or "Oh its ok they're not ugly, they're dumb." But then there are times when I can't find anything to justify being better than a person and I internally go nuts.

Case in point, there are 4 black people in my medical school class, myself included. One is a guy and he's gay, so I never really compare myself to him. The other is a 30 year old woman who is engaged, so I don't compare myself to her either. But then there is another girl. My same age. And so she is the person that I look to when I want to give myself standards. It's usually simple like, oh, I'm better b/c I dress better. Oh I'm better because I have a better understanding of the material, I got a better grade on this test, blah blah blah. But how long can I do this until I run out of ways of feeling better and WHY must I feel better?

It made me think. Feeling better than others has always been my identity. When I was a little kid my moms friends would love to listen to me talk about what I learned in school that day and would even be nice enough to entertain my bajillion questions. As I got older, I always got put in a different track of people, "The more ABLE learners." And within this track I had the most ambition. I got to college and all of that came-a-tumbling down. I was no more able to learn than others, and as a matter of fact, I was seriously lagging behind most students. That was easy to fix. I'd just dress better and not work harder, but work smarter.

So here I am in med school, not any med school either. I'm at the kind where they take people who have done completely amazing things and stuff 'em in a class of 86 people. I should say that not all of us have done any tangibley amazing things.. myself included. But even amongst all 84 other people I was able to finally say to myself that I gained admission because I've been through a lot of personal tragedy and I'm still standing.

But then that just leaves the other one person that gets me to really look long and hard at myself. Am I jealous of her? Am I envious? What IS it? And the thing is, I don't want to be her, at all. But I guess what she stands for is this - through all the tragedy I've endured, I've been told that it's a good thing, that it makes me stronger, that it will get me to better places. But then I get faced with someone who, from what I can tell, didn't have to go through the same things, and I get angry. It gets back to the why me question. Have I been lied to? Does life really have no compensation for having to deal with stuff no one would ever sign themselves up for? So in essence its not her, but its what she represents to me.

A lot of my questions are still unanswered and will never be answered. But I have to find some way to feel better about the whole thing. Maybe one day I'll be mature enough to truly never envy anyone, and I will stop believing that life owes me more simply because I've been through "more." I mean, there is always someone who has it worse right?

Moreover, the one good side effect of having a living, breathing representation of my frustration in life is that my anger gets channeled into working harder. I say, Damn you life, you may not give me more but I will make more of you because that is the only way I will feel better about the circumstances under which I have had to live.

So there I have it. I'm still not mature enough, yet, to get over any hang ups I may have... but I'm fine in having this "vice" since it ultimately motivates me to strive for not just the top, but the tippy, tippy, top. ... for better or worse I guess..

The Study of Neuroscience

In studying neuroscience I often feel like we're all one step closer to "figuring it all out." As if each new piece of evidence we find moves us closer to the day when we will find the hiding place of the master regulator, who will be sitting behind a huge green curtain. Someone in a lab coat will pull the curtain back and the "master regulator" will be a bumbling 50 year old guy who's a bit startled. And thats where my vision ends. Although.. if he's the master regulator, why would he be startled? Wouldn't he KNOW that people had found him?...