Dating is like applying to medical school

I talked to a friend today that I hadn't spoken to in forever. He asked me how my med school application process eventually turned out and with excitement I told him that I had gotten into my alma mater! He asked, "is that the only one?" And then it dawned on me that YES! it was the ONLY school I got into straight off the bat. Of 8 schools I applied to, 6 granted me interviews. Of the 6 that I interviewed at I received 1 rejection (bastards, didn't like you no way!), 4 waitlist spots, and 1 acceptance. The ridiculous thing? ALL of the schools I did not get into had much higher acceptance rates than the school I DID get into, not to mention the odds were stacked against me since the school I got into really doesn't like taking its own kind.. go figure.

While I was having this conversation with my long lost acquantaince another friend was asking me if I had actually broken up with my bf yet. I was explaining to him that I was all ready to do it until my bf did something nice which totally haulted the "dump him train." Earlier, this friend was consoling me when I had planned out exactly what I was going to say to my bf but felt so sad about saying the words. I can't remember his exact words but his thoughts were that dating is a process where you have to put yourself out there a lot. You'll date plenty of people for varying lengths of time until you meet that one person you can't let go of. I thought this was much more insighful than the usually trite belief that you will find someone who will be your everything. My friend was pointing out the fact that you might not necessarily know "the one" when you meet them, but you'll know for certain when shit hits the fan that you still can't imagine letting go and that you will actually want to stick around and fix things.. both of you will want to, that is. I thanked him for his comments but then just got all depressive again and said that even though I want to blame the guys I date, at some point I start to wonder if its ME that is the problem and if I'm somehow unlovable. Again, my friend chimed in and told me that I am an awesome catch and no one should ever tell me otherwise and that when I meet that great person, it will work out.

It was only when I had both conversations with my friend and acquaintance that the similarities of applying to med school and dating became so evident. After getting on waitlist after waitlist I started to question my application. Was I really not as strong of a candidate as I thought I was? Was I being delusional? Should I really have aimed lower? I was on the verge of giving up. When I talked to my mother about it she tried to console me by saying that by being on the waitlist at really great schools I had actually accomplished something since I wasn't outright rejected and that I WILL be going to med school in the fall. I kept being hesitant until that fateful night when I recieved the call that I had been accepted to med school. It didn't even make sense until I look back at my interview day - it was just perfect!

Firstly I forgot to set an alarm to wake up so I overslept and I woke up when I heard my bf rustling around the apartment getting ready for work. I was running late and freaking out. My dog had to pee but I needed to get to campus at 7:15. I ran to my bf and asked him if he could let my dog out in the back so he could potty. He did one better and offered to take him for a walk before he left for work. Sweet! I was out the door. Lo and behold I don't know how I made it but I arrived at the med school office building at 7:15 on the dot. My interviewers were two pediatricians, a field that I am currently interested in. And in talking to both of them, I was so much more myself with them than I was at any of my other interviews. My last interviewer even said that after reading my application he looked forward to meeting me and after the interview he said that I made him proud to be an American! I was truly myself with the students and faculty I talked to and they loved it! And I loved it! I F-I-T. Even though it was supposed to take 3 weeks for the committee to reach a decision on my application, I received the call a week later.

Now that brings me back to dating. I know that my current bf and I will break up. And even though I'm not in love with him it does make me extremely sad. You get to know someone, their desires, their vision of the world, their hopes for the future, and all of a sudden you're supposed to take a step back because the role of friend ends up being a lot less involved than the role of girlfriend. For me, that sucks. It sucks even more b/c I know that the lack of passion on my end to continue this relationship is felt on his end as well, making me feel like I'm doing something wrong if I can't get a guy to care about me more than just keeping him company when its convenient! But then I realize, hey. For ME, someone who had a "real" boyfriend at 21 when most kids are dating in junior high, having 2 boyfriends who treated me well is an accomplishment. More than that, the second bf ended up being 100 times better than the first in terms of having more of the qualities I look for in a guy. And when things don't work out in a relationship it's not tha I'm not a great candidate (or catch) it's just that it doesnt.. f..i..t.. And if both the med school and my dating situation are TRULY the same, well then I'm going to be one happily married woman to a man that is so awesome that it could only be a dream come true...

:-)

External Personae Part II

I was just reading a post that Rex wrote called "External Personae" and it reminded me about a theory that I've been developing from observation, namely that when people talk about themselves, they are often describing the person they want to be and not so much who they really are. Some character traits are quite objective - height, weight, eye color, etc. Those you can't make up without someone looking at you as if you had two heads. But then there are other character traits which cannot be readily observed on a superficial level - intelligence, strength of character, morality, etc. Though intelligence can be argued to be a quite objective trait, since it can be measured, well A.) No one's going to make a person who says "i'm intelligent" take an IQ test right then and there and B.) there are many forms of intelligence that cannot be captured by a simple paper & pencil test anyway.

While I think most people, if not all, talk about who they *wish* they were, there are also people who are excellent self-realizers and those who are not. Those who are strong enough to develop the character traits they claim to have already when describing themselves will often speak of their true self. Those who do not have the true resolve to develop the traits they speak of will always present a facade of who they wish they were to others. But once you get to know the latter person further and see how they react to the stimulus in their environment, you will realize that they are actually full of shit.

For example, after 'dabbling' in the 'real world' for 2 years I've come across quite a number of people who describe themselves as "smart." At first I want to believe them b/c, well you know, truth bias. But the more I get to know them the more I realize what they meant to say was "I wish I were smart." Because it isn't a simple case of the person thinking they are smart because they are the sharpest tool in their respective tool box (i.e. social group), but somehow, someway, the person eventually admits how incompetent they think they are. They want to believe they're smart, but because they lack the true motivation to be such a person (like picking up a book), life experiences prove over and over again that the person is not actually smart at all. It's the same with people who say they are a "strong" person. If I had a dollar for everytime I heard someone say this, only to see them crumble at the smallest infraction, man I wouldn't have to torture myself in grad school to make anymore money.

But even with the ability to project facades, there are traits within a person that are known to be true by the person and by those who know him or her because of environmental feedback. For example, a person may think they're not a bitch. But if enough people have told, said person, that they think the person is being "bitchy" or mean, eventually the person must concede that they are in fact a bitch. A person who gets straight A's in college is smart and has the right to say so, etc.

The interesting thing about facades is that most people know that they are actively creating them, which is why I eventually find out what the person TRULY thinks about themselves. The longer you know someone, the harder it is for them to keep up the charade. Then again, there are always those people who are not only poor self-realizers but are also delusional! Oh man those people really get to me.. (see previous post)

The pitfalls of PMS

Although I like to believe that I do not suffer from PMS, I realize it's because I'm so naturally moody that I usually don't notice any difference between the fluxuation of moods I experience on a daily basis and the fluxuations in emotion that occur when most women are "suffering" from PMS. BUT there are the times when the peaks and troughs of my emotions are so vastly distant that I have to acknowledge that I am in fact PMSing. The last example of my PMS episode was a few days ago. I had decided that my boyfriend was ignoring me and that our break up was eminent. I felt ridiculously bummed for 2 days. It was the kind of bummed that you can feel physically, that makes you not want to get out of bed, and that keeps you on the verge of tears. Then the following day, poof! Just like that my feelings had disappeared. I did not care at all if we broke up or if I'd ever see him again in life, etc. I finally stabilized yesterday. I knew I was stable because I was no longer indifferent, nor was I extremely sad. For the most part I was back to my "take it or leave it" attitude.

It was only after stabilizing that I could look back at my actions and evaluate what the hell is/was going on between us. The day I was indifferent I asked him - "Do you think you've been weird?" Him: "No. To you you mean?" Me: "Yes" Him: "No" And that was that. At first I thought, what a crock of BS he just doesn't want to talk about it. But since I lacked general affect anyway I was OK with him not addressing my perception of his behavior change.

Now that I'm back on Planet Earth I realize that in fact, he has been no different to me this week than he was last week or the week before. But if this is the case, why did I feel that he was actively distancing himself from me?

He didn't change, but I did; and therein lays the problem. For a while I was annoyed at the distance I felt within the realationship in general. The bf isn't very affectionate and consequently I have no idea where I stand with him. But I was willing to tolerate the distance because it made sense given that I had no idea where I was going to grad school and was actually planning on heading east. The idea of getting too invested in a relationship with a clear expiration date made no sense. But recently I found out that I won't be headed east after all and that I'll actually be staying in the same relative area. Now that the time constraint I was operating under has been blurred I can no longer tolerate the distance. More than that, I automatically expected him to change how he interacted with me as well, and in a sense become more "invested." When his behavior did not immediatly change I began to wonder if he was in fact ignoring/avoiding me on purpose. The end result? When I was around him I'd be so caught up in my convoluted thought process that I wouldn't say a word to him. So in effect, he was being the same and I was ignoring him. Good job eh?

So now that I have identified the problem I have two options. If I want to continue the relationship I'll have to give him good reason to want to continue it as well - i.e. I'll have to be good company. If I do not want to continue the relationship, given that we'll still be living together for another month and a half at least, to lessen the awkwardness in the meantime I'll have to enjoy the time we have left together and... tada! be good company. So really I guess in order to enjoy these next few months I'll have to let go of my hangups about any kind of "future," stop reading into his behaviors, and make the most of it.

It all sounds so simple, but will I be able to do it???

...I'll keep you posted.

Secret Wishes

A strange phenomenon dawned on me today - When you break up with someone you secretly (or not even secretly) want them to feel some PAIN. It doesnt even matter if you didnt like the person much at all. Think about it. If for a while you were dating some Johnny Lame Ass and kept telling yourself you were going to dump him, then finally did it. If you talked to him the following week and he was like "Oh yeah, it was great that you dumped me. I met this lovely girl right after and we're engaged!," face it you'd be upset, not for losing him but for the simple fact that he was HAPPY and not groveling and sad... Why this is "strange" to me is that it transcends the meaning of the relationship. Surely if you were with someone for a significant amount of time you DEFINITELY want them to be sad if you break up with them. But if you dated someone for say a few months or a few weeks, why should you care about their post-break up happiness?

I guess in the end it comes down to value judgement. If I value myself very highly, I expect others to do the same. And if I decide that I no longer want someone else to be able to partake in my awesomeness I must assume that in ending things, I am taking away something I feel they should value highly. If they turn around and jump for joy then it's the same as saying "Eh, you're not all that valuable to me." When someone challenges preconceived notions of oneself it will always sting a litte.

Ok.. back to being bored to tears at work :-/

Something to remember

So one of my guy friends decided to contact me after coming in from a night of lots of drinking. I wasn't expecting him to say what he did, but now that he has (even if under the influence) I appreciate his words and want to put them in a place where I can look back and remind myself of my worth; especially during those times when my thoughts stray from reality.

----------

Friend: Things looking a little better?
Brian better treat you right.

Me: sorta
ha

Friend: Because you are wonderful

Me: aww thanks :)

Friend: And every guy would kill to have you
Don't laugh - you know it's true

Me: :-)

Friend: Don't get on a high horse and expect too much
But you're quality, and he should treat you with respect and give you all he's got to offer

----------

Now if only Brian knew this... Ah well. I figure if he doesn't, someone else will...

How delusional is TOO delusional?

So I learned a lesson early on in my college career - Life is what you make of it. Specifically, I had learned from observation of a friend that you can color the world with the lens of your eyes alone, almost any color you want. Even more specifically, I had a friend, well acquaintance at the time, who believed that she had great friends who loved her or at least cared about her. Did it matter that these same "friends" of hers would make fun of her behind her back? At first I thought, Yes! it does! The truth ALWAYS matters. But then I observed how happy this friend/acquaintance was to live in her delusion. Why did it matter if her "friends" talked behind her back if in her presence they were perfect friends? My friend's delusion about the world around her served her well.

The same thing happens in dating. If a person believes they are hot stuff, though semi-objective measures (do these really exist), might indicate NO, people with self-confidence and high self esteem, no matter how unnattractive or unworthy of love can CONVINCE other people to love/like them purely based on their delusional beliefs in themselves.

So in a sense, delusion serves us well in subjective aspects of our lives, i.e. interpersonal relationships. Delusions are not, however, adventagous in more objective facets, i.e. careers or academia - SOMETHING has to be judged here and the product of the judgement is useful for the employer or the teacher. If you're doing a shitty job, you get fired. If you write a shitty paper, you get a D. But in relationships, if you think you're hot shit, you can always find someone to convince.

This is all well and good but, honestly, when is being delusional, even in subjective areas of your life, a bad idea? I'll tell you when. When being delusional is more a detriment to your growth and well-being it is then just hampering you and does not serve a good purpose. For example, if you think that rocking 80's hair and wearing cut-off jean shorts are hot and you can be as bad as you want to be, well take notice to your dating life. Have you attracted losers you wouldn't touch with a 10-foot pole? Well then I'd say you needed a smack back to reality. Another common example, that is just so utterly sad - women who believe the men they date DO actually love them when time, and time, and time, and time, AND time, again this guy has proven that his motives are not due to love but something else - convenience, obligation etc. Because for the umpteempth time, people who love you don't do X, Y, and Z. This is a clear case of delusion that does way more harm than any good - i.e. delusional person talks to friends ad naseum about boy or girl that no one cares about anymore; delusional persong goes into therapy thinking they are going to solve the problem but the delusion has clouded their vision for so long they don't even realize their delusion; delusional person stagnates for years on end in terms of personal growth and development b/c they're still hanging on to a person who has moved on.

So what is the solution to detrimental delusion? I'm not quite sure. But when I figure it out maybe I'll stop ignoring a current "delusional" friend and bitch slap her into reality..

Every day..

Everyday I wake up thinking, "Today I need to start living." I've always suffered from the problem of putting off today what I "think" I'll do tomorrow. Whether it's being friendlier to people today or working hard today, I save it until tomorrow. Tomorrow comes and I still do not accomplish any of the above. This has been worrying me for a while. First I had to figure out why I think/act the way I do.

When I was young my mother taught me about delayed gratification. It made perfect sense at the time and is a legit thing to teach your kids. You can't do or have everything you want right now because in this country, depending on who you are at least, you have to put in hard work before you can see the fruits of your labor grow. So I delayed a lot of things - partying, dating, lounging around with no real purpose etc.. And for the longest that worked well.

But then I got to the point where I wondered if it was time to stop delaying my gratification and make a complete attempt to carpe diem! But then oddly enough I saw a special on MTV "True Life I'm Obese." One of the characters on the show refused to stop eating so much because to him "you only live once!" I felt like yelling at him though that because of his habits he wasn't going to be seizing many more days. So I looked at the bigger picture and thought "the candle that burns twice as bright, burns the fastest." In other words, those who live up every day are more likely to die earlier. It always seemed to me that those who lived the most, lived the most every day of their lives or contributed the most to society, died at a young age - e.g. Biggie, Tupac, Kurt Cobain, Marylin Monroe, John Lennon, Mozart, Vincent Van Gogh, Elsie from Cabaret... The list goes on.

The end result is that over a period of time I learned how to delay acting upon my desires. I'm realizing now that it not only makes for a very boring day to day lifestyle, but also, when I look back at my life when I'm much older, will I see a string of opportunites that slipped away? a passionless life? That's pretty sad.

What I need to do now is learn how to live in the moment. Not everything in life is gained by working hard now or sensoring your desires. I anticipate going through an awkward stage of life. In trying to break my habits I'll probably let go of a thought, but then fight myself to actually engage it and see it through.. Like today I hardly acknowledged my boyfriend telling me he was going to bed because I was too busy being focused on work. So instead of hopping on him and "violently ravaging him" (HAHA thanks Rex ;-)) I muttered good night.. Next time I'll catch myself being lame.. probably hours later and then do something out of the blue.. maybe.. in an attempt to "experience" the more enjoyable things in life. Will my boyfriend think I'm crazy for waking him up at 3 am? Probably. Though I prefer crazy to awkward anyway..

I'll let you know the results...