Awkward mom talks

Haha! It finally dawned on me what my mom was just trying to tell me. And I quote "If you want someone to be emotionally dependent on you and don't mind being restricted and don't have enough energy to tackle life by yourself, then yeah there's marriage. But if you want to be independent and always be in control of your time, then you can just have a friend. I condone people having friends. I'm not going to lie. Life is rough. Its even worse when you do it alone. Although its not like you're not alone in marriage. Its human nature to get tired of someone after a few years. I think its best to marry someone who travels."

Which is her way of saying, "Bang, marriage sucks and life sucks. Even if you marry the right person, just know that its going to put limits on you. Only do it if you really don't have the energy to do things by yourself. But hey, don't knock FWBs. If you want to be independent then just get a FWB and call it a day."

Ha!

Are you SURE????

I pride myself on being able to ignore the main stream and walk to the beat of my own drum... but two things happened that are making me realize I'm moving further away from who I am, not closer.

The first one is simple: I'm going away for a week and needed someone to watch Max. I, almost reflexively, asked my boyfriend to do it, not realizing that since he works all day the person who would end up doing it was his mom. When I left for 3 weeks for winter break his parents watched my dog for most of the time. So I asked him, and he ended up asking his mother who responded A.) She's going to be gone half of the week so the other half my dog would have to be stuck in the kennel with their two other dogs and B.) She didn't want to spend half of her week watching another dog.

As soon as my boyfriend said this I thought, "Oh no! How careless of me!" One thing that has always stuck with me since I was a kid was my mother's idea that overstaying your welcome is practically a sin. You should never be a burden on other people. I should have realized that the 3 weeks during winter break was enough and should have never asked again...

Second point:

I was talking to a friend about her relationship stories when she turned and asked how things were going w/ my bf. And I said that they were fine blah blah. And she asked the dreaded question as to whether or not we were "serious." Instead of my usual hemming and hawing I responded, "yeah I want to get married.. or maybe just engaged.. I dunno its a weird feeling." To which she responded, "Whoa! Are you 100% sure with him? Didn't you guys just kinda break up?" It was kind of like I was just walking aimlessly in the relationship department, not really conscious of my surroundings, just kind of blurting things out. Then her question was the apple that fell on my head. Ok, not quite as profound as an apple, maybe more like a stray pebble. I thought about it and said, "You know, I don't know." She laughed and said that I SHOULD know something about it if I'm speaking about FOREVER. I agreed and then had to run.

I think somehow, unconsciously, the idea of marriage slipped into my head. Granted he mentioned it in conversation at some point in our 'getting back together' talk, but again, the Bang I know would have just brushed it off as hot air until I had further proof of his qualifications. Then I realized its almost June - marriage season. Which makes May engagement season. Then I thought back to my trip with my sorority sisters and realized that marriage was ALL anyone was really talking about. As people talked about their marriages, their engagements, their future hopes for a wedding, I was just moping around about my recent break up.. but somehow it all seeped in and just became a "given."

So in this sense, I haven't been marching to my own drummer. Not that I can help the subconscious messages I receive from day to day, but if I'd THINK more, I'd realize what it was that was driving me to do and think things I wouldn't normally think or do.

I blame part of this on school. Thinking becomes so tiring that sometimes I don't mind turning my brain off from time to time...


Funny, as soon as I decided to start "thinking" again a weight lifted off of me.. I've had to do a lot of "weight lifting" recently and I'm not quite sure what it could be beyond my environment. Old med students with families and young insecure med students who work my nerve.. not the best place to be, but whatcha gonna do? Go to business school for a year! Thats what! :-)

And for my next trick...

Haha, I know relationships aren't supposed to involve "tricks" or "hurdles" or the like, but I can't help but think of Rex's friend L who stands as my beacon of light as to getting what you want from a relationship. My next big goal is to get the bf to go to school w/ me on a different coast (I know! HUGE)

Anyway, in my procrastination I've been trying to make a short list of b schools I'd like to go to. For a while I was only looking at one year programs, but I've been thinking that it might not be to my benefit to shorten the degree since I have NO business background. I finally decided that I would take the 2 years off needed to get the degree (if necessary) and in doing so, I feel my options are much more abundant since I don't have to consider staying in the local area so I can coordinate a 1.5 year program. ANYWAY I've been considering schools that are on the east coast (GASP!) I know! Its sooo cold!

But part of the problem in considering schools that are out of state is that its been really hard to get myself to seriously consider applying mostly because of... the bf. Ugh. Its like my worst nightmare. I can hear my mother saying "Don't you ever make decisions based on a man!" blaring in my ear... And then I think... wait a second. He's thinking of going to b school too, maybe we can both go out of state!

Oh lord.. but then I'd have to consider the implications of my proposal to do such a thing. "Hey babe, so I was thinking, how about we both apply to schools in other states!"

Well then um, ehem, that would definitely mean the relationship was getting pretty serious. The only people who usually do the "apply to the same schools around the country" thing are either married, or engaged, or about to do one of those two things really soon...

But I can't help myself..lol.. sad. I've been trying to think of things that might sell a home grown Californian on leaving the state.

1.) It would only be for 2 years
2.) You'd get to meet new people and see new things, and it would only be for 2 years
3.) It broadens your contacts, and its only for 2 years
4.) You wouldn't have to go it alone! (Though we might end up hating each other...)
4.) You'd get to experience a different way of life, and if you don't like it, thats OK b/c its only 2 years!

Uhh.. thats all I can come up with :-/ I figure though that I can bring up this proposal and see what happens. If he doesn't like the idea then, well, seeing that I'd be excited to leave the state with him, I'll have to consider doing it without him as well... cause "You should never make decisions based on a man!" Uh uuuh, shooot. Lol.. ugh

Funny observation - B school vs. Med School

I went on a tour of the hospital today; a tour given by performance executives i.e. people who went to B school and now run the financial ins and outs of the hospital. There were a few things that stuck in my mind, but the most interesting was a particular moment where I was reminded that deep down, even if I'm interested in financial work or policy work, I'll always be a doctor at heart (when I finally get my MD that is.)

We were given a tour of the hospital's $4 mill surgery/ER simulation center. The director of the program talked to us a bit about what it took to bring the technology to Stanford and what the technology can be used for. She mentioned that there is now a push to start having surgeons be certified in areas of expertise and one way they could get this certification would partly be dependent on them working on simulation equipment for X amount of hours. The B school kid standing next to me immediately said, "Wow, so this is becoming a big business market." Meanwhile in my mind I thought, "Wow, this technology could really increase surgeon accuracy and performance, which may lead to better patient outcomes!"

Go fig..

Why do people..

Add their significant others to their "interests" on facebook? Honestly why? The interesting part is the people who do this aren't the girls, but the guys! The times I've seen a guy do this:

Guy 1.) He was clearly too obsessed and the girl ended up breaking up with him. Although he has not learned his lesson and his new girlfriend is listed under his interests once again.
Guy 2.) They are now engaged although she pretty much had to wrangle him down, but she must have been doing something right since he added her as an "interest/activity"
Guy 3.) Not quite sure.. its the one that prompted this post. They've been together for about 5 years so maybe that indicates that he's going to propose sometime soon?

I don't know though.. if my bf added me as an "interest" or "activity" I would slap him and say, "Hey! You clearly don't have enough to do right now. Why don't you take the time to interest yourself in increasing your salary or moving up the corporate ladder. Or better yet, if you've got extra time on your hands, go feed some orphans."

Lol, I'm such a romantic as you can tell :-p

Youth

I went to a party last night, and despite my exam this coming Monday, I'm glad I went. While I was elated to see friends and hang out and chat, what made me more glad to have gone is what the party did for my perspective.

I don't know why, but I go through these phases of feeling like a kept woman and wondering about kids, marriage, and my future home life to the rebellious youth who knows what she knows and wants to do things her way. After spending a night looking around at old, fat, short, and balding men I woke up this morning actually frightened about the idea of marriage. I take this as a good sign actually. I mean its not like marriage is roses and daisies ALL the time. You're going to want to look over at the person and tell them to STFU...now! You're going to be so annoyed at the things you once thought were "cute." "I can't believe you got us lost again! WTF is wrong with you???" vs "Oh its so cute, she can't find her way out of a paper bag." Oy veh! Not fun!

Though the alternatives are A.) Doing what more people are doing these days and cohabitating.. um no thanks or B.) Never getting married and being perpetually single... well if I want kids, I also want to give them a stable father figure.. so maybe not so much either...

But for the most part I feel again, that my engines have been "unclogged." That the murkey, muddiness of emotions that colored my past few weeks has dissipated and now I can look at the future with bright youthful eyes and notions of changing the world rather than thoughts of changing diapers.

Seeing that human evolution has deemed me of prime child-bearing age, I'm pretty sure I'm going to waver like this for quite some time. I swear my body is trying to hint certain things to me that I don't want to deal with right now.. i.e. having babies.. but for now I'll fight my biological urges until I hit an age where I'm like, "all right, I'm bored, whats next?" Apparently for a lot of people this age is 27....

I'm Better Because...

Have you ever had that moment in your life where your definition of good, important, or worthwhile differed greatly from someone else's opinion of what was good, important, or worthwhile? There may have even been a hint of jealousy in your assumptions. I call this the "I'm better because" moment.

In college I struggled to keep up w/ people who seemed so much smarter, funnier, richer. By the end of sophomore year though, I found my own niche. I found that I didn't have to work harder, but smarter and that having a "creative" fashion sense and being social was worth more than slaving away in the library week after week just to earn an A+. So for me, I was better because the nerd who got an A+ wasn't as fun to be around, had terrible fashion sense, and a narrow perspective.

Then came medical school. My classmates can be a royal pain mostly because they are the same people I made fun of when I was an undergrad. Their views on many things are so myopic that sometimes I want to puke.

But I realized something today. I just got an email informing me that, surprise surprise, I didn't get the TAship that I really wanted. I was down for a minute but then thought, oh well, less work for me, plus my bf will be going to school with me next year so now I'll have more time to spend with him.

As I thought those thoughts, I signed on to facebook to see that one of my classmates who I can't really stand, but for whatever reason accepted her "friend" invitation announced that she got the TAship that I really wanted. Plus she also got the coveted anatomy TAship that pays like whoa.

Oh it was too easy to have an "I'm better because" moment. I'm better b/c I dont have an annoying screatchy voice, there is more going on in my life than just sitting in the library all day, aand of course, my standard "I have better perspective."

But I had to stop myself. Clearly I'm a tad jealous b/c I also wanted the TAship. Also, I find it obnoxious when people are all surprised when they get something despite walking on coals to get it. Like oh I'm so surprised I got a perfect score even though I spent 60 hours a week in the library, who would have thunk!

But besides that, I am glad that I did realize that my annoyance did stem from some jealousy and that I was able to squelch the jealous "I'm better because" urge by telling myself, hey, she worked harder, she deserves it. In life what's yours is truly yours, so clearly this TAship was not for me. Something else that better suits me will come along and I'll realize that all along it was the path of least resistance.

Then again, EVERYONE does this. Like even the guy who's a bum does this to people who live in fancy houses. "Oh those rich snobs. They have no clue what life is about! But I do!" Haha.. I don't know what the purpose of this "I'm better because" urge is.. but I guess in a way each time we do it it is because we feel that there are standards set that we have not met, and instead of saying we are a failure, we re-define said standards. For example, me not getting the TAship could mean, a.) I didn't work hard enough or b.) I'm an idiot and the person that got it is better than me academically. But instead I justify my failure by saying, a.) I just don't have the discipline to stare at a book that long and b.) I don't think the ability to stare at a book that long is really worth more than the time I spent doing I dont know what.. wasn't like I was out saving the world or anything...

Oh well.. med school has become much more of a personal learning experience than I could have imagined... I guess I shouldn't be too surprised.. even though I'm at the same school, its a different group of people and a higher set of standards in a way...

Ah well, you win some, you lose some....


And oh yes, it IS the girl that was doing the whole "whoa is me" routine when thinking of which TAship to go for. I guess she really did have a reason to be so torn. UGH

What in the HELL was I thinking?

While I know it is important to stop being strategic about dating at some point (ehem marriage) I can't help but wonder why I allowed myself to break one of the cardinal rules of dating. As far as I'm concerned, letting someone know that you will wait for them can be a very big mistake, and yet, I did it. I took the bait hook, line, and sinker. (Is that even how you say that phrase?)

Don't get me wrong, at vital times in the relationship (e.g. contemplating marriage) their are times when a partner should talk the other one off a ledge, so to speak, and address the other partners fears. But then there are other times when assuring a partner of your loyalty will just get you into a big mess. They may start to relax and think, well, they're not going to leave, so I'll just relax for a bit. Problem is, I'm not quite sure which side of the line we stand on... which means I should have just stayed vague.

For future reference, instead of allaying each of his fears by saying we'll find a way to work it out, I should have said something more like, "that's a legitimate fear, and we don't know what the future may bring, but that doesn't mean we should give up on the hear and now." For instance when he told me that him being my first love made him worry that my love for him would run its course, instead of saying, "yeah but i'm not a 16 year old teenager who wants to love for the sake of loving, and thus your fear is illegitimate," I should have said, "Well maybe that'll happen, who knows.." lol.

Oh well I made my bed and I must sleep in it for better or for worse. I still don't regret the conversation though. But now I feel as if I have to put a time limit on things. If nothing more serious develops within a year, we'll have to seriously re-evaluate things... cuz hey, my clock is ticking. Lol. Not really, but I kinda always did want to have kids before I was 30.. and at 23 with a long stretch of lots more school and little time to socialize, I gotta get a move on it while I'm still young and firm. Lol.. yes I often compare myself to produce.. That's not too much to ask for right?

:)

Trying to have your cake and eat it too..

can make you one sad individual. I don't think that this is a necessarily intuitive point. For example, a guy who has a girlfriend but flirts or sleeps with other women on the side is trying to have his cake and eat it too. He might be having the time of his life, where is the downside? Well.. lets not get into that. Lets assume that if the gf never finds out, then for a long while, for him there is no downside.

Today I'm having one of my very apathetic moods towards school. I'm bored with the material and keep trying to distract myself with miscellaneous ideas. It just dawned on me that the source of this unhappiness with school probably has something to do with my idea that school should not be my life; that I should be able to do what I want, when I want, and still get a degree.

I'm not quite sure why I believe this. Its not like I wasn't warned that med school would be tough, and it would require extreme diligence and work ethic. But somewhere along the way, someone lied to me. I'd like to blame it on my school. This whole, "we're pass/fail, which allows you to pursue your interests" thing is complete crap. Now that we took the bait, we've been told that the curriculum is designed to have us studying all the time.. Ugh.

I think the only way I'm going to feel better about my life for the next 4-5 years is to shut out all those who say that I should have time to do 100 other things, and that med school is fun (yes I've heard people say that), and realize that I can only do so much. My priority is school and everything else I get to do beyond that is a perk... and this is coming from a person who really is just aiming to pass...

:-/

Cravings

You ever have a sandwich or [insert food] and it was really good. Then you ate it like everyday for a really long time. But of course you got sick of it and took a break. Then at some point you started craving said sandwich or [insert food] again. Yeah its like a relationship. The kind of thing that sustains two people over the long term I guess is being so used to each other that even when they tire of being in each others presence, they just get this craving every now and again..

P.S. this really was about sandwiches.. I'm craving the noon time sandwiches at my journal club class.. even though they're the same damn sandwiches every week and I was sick of them last week! mmmm... can't wait!

Grinning from ear to ear.. for now

So short story - I broke up w/ the bf last Friday b/c I thought he handled an important situation really poorly. Felt like shit the whole weekend even though I was in Santa Barbara with wonderful friends. Felt like I needed to talk to him today to "fix" the situation and was quite surprised about what came out of it.. turns out, I was right.. but not for the reason's I originally thought.

I originally thought that the bf was trying to let the relationship go b/c he was really insecure about himself and his place in the world and was projecting his fears on me. Turns out while he was projecting his fears onto me, it wasn't out of insecurity as much as out of paternalism.

I'm actually surprised that he was so honest with me. He started out by saying that he had this horrible feeling in the pit of his stomach with the thought of not being able to talk to me ever again (I told him on Friday that we could not be friends, b/c I don't stay friends with exes) According to him, he originally agreed to breaking up b/c he felt that I would break up with him down the line anyway since we wouldn't get to see each other much this summer. And he's seen long distance relationships break down so much that he just figured it would be better to end it now. And maybe the best thing would be to let me be free to find "Mr. Hot Shot." He also mentioned that he is afraid that he is my first love. And that to him first loves are never genuine and it takes a few tries before you figure out what love is and my love for him may be based on factors that don't relate directly to him.

For the first time though I had a very adult conversation in a relationship and we decided not to break up with the caveat that its going to be a rough summer given the demands on his time. As I told him though, most women get mad at men when they choose something over them because to the woman it says that the man doesn't care for her at all. But since my bf has made it clear what he thinks, feels, and envisions, I don't have to worry about him doing something because he doesn't care. And I'm a trooper, I don't need him to decide what's right or wrong for me, whether I genuinely love him, or whether I'll leave him for a "hot shot." I have my own decisions to make in life, as does he, and we can't predict the future. But we've had an awesome time together so far, so why give that up?

Taking a step back

Its no news that I'm trigger happy, but I think my decisions this time around are less based on fear, and more based on reality and maturity.

Today I decided that next time I talk to the bf that I'll ask him if we could take a step back in the relationship. I don't want to break up per se, but the last 2 weekends have kind of opened my eyes to the fact that I'm not investing my time wisely.

This past weekend the bf came down and we went out with some med school people. It was lots of fun and well I guess I thought I felt closer to him than before. But he came down Friday and I can't remember which day he said it (either friday or saturday) that he was going to leave sometime saturday. At first I was ok with it b/c I had group meetings on Sunday starting at 9 AM and I didn't want to leave him waiting around until I got back. But Saturday roles around, we hang out most of the day and then he abruptly starts packing his stuff and is like "whelp I'm gonna go" and I just start crying. I know that I've been especially sensitive to some relationship issues; damn near most women have "abandonment" issues stemming from childhood. But more than that he does this so frequently. When he comes to visit me he takes off at the blink of an eye, and as far as I'm concerned its unprovoked. But when I go and visit him he doesn't kick me out or hint at me leaving. Quite the contrary he offers to have me stay longer.. which got me in trouble the last time.

At first site of my tears I don't think he quite understood what was going on and he had a nervous laughter. But then when he realized I didn't have something in my eye he asked what was wrong and I eventually just told him that his abrupt leaving bothered me. The reason he gave for leaving was that his dad was out of town and his mom was going to be home alone. Which, at the time, for whatever reason made me even feel guilty for keeping him any longer.

In any case, he tried and failed to make me feel better about anything and I wished him well on his trip back.

The weekend before this last weekend I went up to visit him and was going to leave sometime Sunday but he convinced me to stay until Monday morning. I A.) didn't study as much as I should have for a test I had that week and B.) Ended up being ridiculously late for a class for which I had a group presentation.

So today, as I watched lectures and my eyes glazed over I started to doubt a lot of stuff. Firstly, who the hell cares if his dad is out of town? I'm sure this isn't the first time and I'm sure his mom would have been fine with or without him in the same zip code. Secondly, was that really the reason he took off? He left sometime before 10, it only takes about an hour and a half for him to make it back home, yet he didnt call to check up on me or anything.. makes me wonder if he was just rushing home to go out w/ some friends.. I can neither confirm or deny this since I think its silly to grill a bf about such things.. if they lie to you, you'll eventually figure it out. He also hasn't called for a few days, which the "nice me" would chalk up to being freaked out by emotionality, but the "more realistic me" feels put on notice that the relationship is not at a point where I can openly express feelings beyond happy or angry.

Moreover, because I went and visited him the weekend before (which again he tried to convince me to do and I stupidly said yes) I had to study in 3 days for a test I should have spent 3 weeks studying for. I thought I failed it. Thank goodness I didn't but was all of that worth it? No.

So in conclusion, while I love my bf very much, I need a break for my own sanity sake. I would think after a year I wouldn't have to put a sensor on feelings of sadness or extreme emotions.. but apparently thats the case... and if this is the case then, well, it shouldn't be something I spend to much time with...

I'm afraid to have the conversation because I don't want to break up as much as just step back.. but any type of rejection may trigger someone to blow things out of proportion and ask for a full on break up.. but hey, I need to take care of myself...

:-/