The Smelly Bum Analogy

So I've been having issues with my current roommate. I shouldn't be surprised seeing that when everyone heard I was living with her I mostly go - "You're living with HER? Good luck" or "Ugh, when you move let me know so I can come live with you."

All that said I desperately needed to get away from my living arrangements w/ my then ex-bf and needed to do it without too much cost.

Well, I should have just bit the bullet and stayed with the ex, as that would have been a lot less torture than living with my current roommate. The problem is of fundamental differences. When I'm at home and not actively socializing I'd say 75% of the time I'd like to be left alone.. Ok maybe thats a like, more like 80%. The rest of the time, if a roommate has to tell me something or wants to chat, I won't feel like my privacy or space is being intruded upon. On the other hand, my roommate is the EXACT opposite. She prefers that MOST of her time be spent with someone, even if it's just watching tv.. or.. using the bathroom. I kid you not, her and her boyfriend shower together EVERY morning. Why you ask? I have no idea. I don't even want to know.

So since they started dating they see each other every day. When the school year was still in full swing he was here throught the day - apparently sophomores aren't being worked hard enough. I told my roommate that it was far to much for me to have to deal w/ his presence so much, after he doesn't live here, and even if he offered to pay rent, I value my privacy much more than a few bucks I'd save on rent. I asked her if this would be the same pattern over the summer and she assured me that they'd both be working and wouldn't have time to be around much. Great I thought..

But then once the summer got into full blast, they'd work, and then come "home" every night. Given that I'm now a student, I'm gone during half the day, spend the other half tying up loose end and STUDY at night. Again, things became much too much. I gave it time to die down but it never did. After being annoyed for the umpteenth time when trying to study and having to here their banal conversations on which reality show was better than the other, or being woken up by them talking in the bathroom for their morning shower I decided that I had to say something.

I told my roommate that I wanted to talk to her about the situation in hopes that it would be resolved (with the side note that if it was not, I'd just move out - I haven't told her that part yet). She wanted to talk about it over the internet but I feel this is a more sit down kind of chat. "Come here hun, take a seat," BITCH SLAP! "Stop being a selfish biatch."

So finally after ignorning some of her communications for the simple fact that - I was busy, and for the more manipulative fact - if I ignore her she eventually has to come home and then we can talk in person as I originally requested, she has finally decided to talk in person.

Well that's good. But then I remembered something. We are looking at the situation from two entirely different perspectives. While I don't care about their relationship, I do care about how them being around all the time hinders my daily habits. To her she's finally living "on her own" and should be able to do most things in her own apt. To some degree I agree. Like I said, I don't care that you're dating and being completely co-dependent, I care about how this will effect my studies in the future.

But it's like the extroverts don't understand introverts phenomenon, so I struggled to come up with an analogy that would make her understand how I felt. Then came, "the smelly bum analogy."

Imagine, if you will, that I was living with you and one day I came back home and introduced you to a smelly bum. I told you that I was doing a case study, and thus needed to hang out with the smelly bum every day. At first you'd think I was crazy, but if you got over that part you might even try to be accomodating.. that is until you realized that everyday the smelly bum and I were going to be hanging out in the apartment. Now you might object. I would listen to your consideration and so during the day the smelly bum and I would find something to do and then I'd have him over at night and leave in the morning. The only problem is you still smell the stench of the smelly bum while he's here, even if you don't see him much. Add to that that the smelly bum uses the one bathroom we have. No he doesnt shower, that's why he's smelly. But he does use the toilet often and occasionaly brushes his teeth. And the smelly bum and I do this everyday. You probably still wouldn't be too keen on this arrangement. So now you're practically living with a smelly bum, you have a high stress job, and a dog that you need to take care of, which takes time out of your already stressful day. You probably wouldn't be such a happy camper.

Now how do we make this situation reasonable?

The only compromise I can really see is for them not to be here more than a certain amount of consecutive days. If you want to play house, play it on your own time, in your own house, not one that you're sharing. But of course, my roomate may not agree with this.. at which point I'll seriously consider moving.

The lesson to be learned here?

My next roommate in life will be my husband. In the meantime I'll be living on my own.

Dating someone having a Quarter Life Crisis

I've talked to my bf on a few occasions about why he is the way he is (i.e. fickle). He once tried to explain to me the concept of the "quarter-life crisis." It made sense at first - he and his friends all graduated from college thinking that by the age of 30 they were going to be millionaires and live perfect lives. Then you get into the working world for a bit and realize, man, life sucks, my job sucks, my significant other sucks or just broke up with me, I have no idea what I want to do with my life. General discontent with your life prompts you to ask yourself a few questions - who am I? what do I want to do in my life? and how do I get there? These questions precipitate seemingly rash actions - quitting ones job to climb the himalayas, moving from city to city, bar hopping almost every night of the week only to get home and still feel shitty about your life.

I empathized with my bf and his friends at first, but recently I'm starting to change my mind.

I think that the "quarter-life crisis is precipitated by having things be *too* good in your life. In other words, your parents did such a great job providing for you that you got to grow up with fantastic images in your head about what your life would be like, floating on cloud nine. You were going to be an artist, a musician, a multimillionare - that is until your parents stopped paying the bills, dropped you on your ass, and left it up to you to create your own life for yourself. I'm not saying that having traumatic, or life-changing events in your life early on is better than not having them, but there will come a point in life where many people will have to stop coasting and take a deep look within. In my opinion having to do this at 25 is MUCH better than having to do it at 45. And for some of us, we've had to do it all our lives.

With that in mind, the quarter life crisis boils down to a few things:

1.) Not knowing who you are b/c you never had a life experience that really pressed you to examine your essential self, your deepest motives, or your "purpose" very much. Now at 25 you're forced to figure out what all those things are and what they mean in terms of your future.

2.) I think a lot of 20-somethings know what they ultimately want. My bf wants to own a yacht and only have to work 6 months out of the year as the head of some construction project and then use the next 6 months to do whatever the hell he wants. His friend that just quit his 6-figure paying job to roam the world wants to get an MBA from a top 3 business school and make more money than he knows what to do with.

3.) The quarter life crisis, to me at least, is more a period where people know what they want, but are a bit insecure that they might not achieve it. My bf could take the straightforward route - take the GRE's, apply for top engineering and construction programs, graduate, find a better job than he has now (which he is quitting soon anyway), and be on his way to achieving what he really wants. His friend, although he didn't get into the top business schools the first time around, could just as easily work on his application and apply again. Simple! The actual plan to getting there isn't hard, its the work involved that sucks. And some people don't want to deal with the actual execution of the plan. What about the English major who complains about having no employable skills? Easy. Get some! Get a job, any job that is vaguely relevant. You have to start somewhere, even if your first job isn't paying your "dream" salary.

So in my head, all the "quarter life crisis" amounts to is a long period of doubt and restlessness, that could easily be overcome if people just said, you know what, I vaguley know what I want my life to look like in 10 years, I'm not sure if any one path is better than the other, but I'm going to decide to take this one, no matter how hard, and if it doesn't feel right, I will have put in enough work to be able to tranisition to something else. But no, because most wealthy americans have the luxury to hem and hah for a few years they capitalize on the idle time and give it a name. More importantly people should realize that having a job you are truly passionate about doesn't come along just because you got a degree from college. It takes putting in a lot of work in order to get that job that you feel passionate about. E.g - I want to be a doctor and a researcher, those are the things that would make my life truly fufilling. Just because I got a bachelors from a top school doesn't mean I got that job upon graduation. Now I have to go back to school and work my ass off for years to come to get where I really want to be. To do something you enjoy, you must pay your dues.

What I do admire about my bf and his friend is that they at least have the courage to get out of the things they know they do not want to do. Yeah I think it's crazy that my bf is quitting his job to go build a house with his own hands, and quite possibly it could result in us breaking up (again), but at least he's doing something most men of his education level and age wouldn't have the guts or means to do. And his friend saved up so much money from his job that he has the luxury to take a year off, recuperate from the rat race, finally figure out who he is, and hit the ground running when he gets back.

So in conclusions, it's not that I don't believe that there is a such thing called the "quarter life crisis," I just think that people need to shut it, pick a direction and GO! Because if you really do have the resolve and determination to reach your goals, you'll get there, even if it's at 35 and not 25.

Good relationship models

"Do you know anyone who has a relationship model that you like?"

A friend asked me this question the other day and it suddenly dawned on me that, no! I didn't. It came up b/c since getting back with the ex I've been a lot less anxious about him calling or about the amout of time spent together. I also don't feel the need to talk to him everyday and find myself realizing that when I need space, he needs space, we take it, and we come back together. But when we first dated (and lived together *shudder*) the dynamic was so different. I needed space sometimes, probably not as much as he did, and I expected him to want to talk to me every night until the wee hours (who cares if people have to go to work in the morning!) and give me a kiss good night every day. When he didn't do these things I got annoyed. What a crock of BS. Thankfully since then, I've escaped the opium den of dellusion.

The problem was not him as much as the fact that I was operating under relationship models that I had seen that worked (i.e. lead to meaningful relationships and marriage). My friends in college who got married saw their bf/gf everyday, talked on the phone with each other everyday, and were practically inseperable. So in my head I thought, aha, if a relationship is to be successful you should be inseperable from day one.

Wrong, wrong, and more wrong.

Erroneously, I was looking at relationships started by people who were relatively young. For younger people, identity development is still in the works. You hardly know who the hell you are and may have some idea of what you want out of life but its all still hazy. When you start dating someone else who is at the same point in their lives, there is a tendency to mesh, to come so close to each other yet not even realize you're infringing on each others identity. And that works. Its like two ameobas coming together.

But what happens when you get older or when your identity is more hardened? It must be that older people/people with more concrete identities operate under a different relationship model. There is less meshing and the more someone tries to mesh with you the more you feel your life is being intruded upon. You'd feel suffocated and need more space. This relationship more resembles two magnetical balls. At a certain closeness the two magnets attract, try to get any closer and they'll fly apart.

The magnetical balls model of relationships is one I've never seen. Where are the couples who don't see each other every day of the week, or who talk on the phone more like every other day instead of every day and love each other just as much as the ameoba couple?

Well I don't know. I'm assuming the older my friends get, the more I will see them enter the "magnetical balls" type of relationship. The good thing is that since realizing that not all "successful" relationships look alike, I no longer hold mine to the standards of the ameoba relationship. Come to think of it, I'm not sure my current relationship fits the "magnetical balls" model perfectly either. Maybe we're more like huge bouncing rubber balls. We get really close sometimes then bounce off into our own lives, then bounce back together.. Hm, good enough analogy for me :-)

Right now I'll just have to go with what feels right. And that's all I can go on.

Unsolicited Comments

On the car ride to my July 4th trip with the bf we had a random conversation -

Me: Well if you ever have 3 children you ideally want to have girl, boy, girl. That way each child has a role - eldest, youngest - and the boy doesn't get middle child syndrome b/c he's the only boy and will get his fair share of attention.
Him: Well I don't want girls period. Is there a way people can pick and choose the sex of their baby?
Me: Uh.. not that I know of, but I'm sure one day you and your wife will be able to go to a doctor and say you only want this sex and you'll never have to have a girl.
Him: Hm, that sounds unnatural. I'll just take my chances the natural way and if I have a girl I'll just put her in a river.
Me: [laughing at the retardedness] - he's not being serious...
Me: Well if I had kids, I'd much prefer to have a boy first and then a girl.
Him: Yeah b/c then the boy could take care of his little sister.. I still think two boys is the best way to go.
Me: Ha. Good luck with that. Just dont go beheading your wife because she can't produce boys, because that would be your fault.
Him: Right.

Fast forward to heading back home from the trip. Driving back to the city we had to cross the bay bridge. The toll-booth guy, who was African, felt like opening his big mouth.

Toll Guy: Hello my brother-in-law.
BF: Um, hi, how are you?
TG: I'm good. Are you married to that beautiful lady?
BF: Uh, no.
TG: Oh my god! What are you waiting for? Can't you see how beautiful she is? I tell you what, if you marry her come back and tell me and I'll give you a gift.
BF: Really? That's awesome!
TG: And her first child for you will be a boy.
BF: Wow, thanks!
TG: Have a good night.
BF: You too.

Um? W-T-F? Eh, I guess it could have been worse. The guy could have made some stranger comments, so I'll just be amused by the randomness.

AWK-ward

Um so it dawned on me that my bf has seen me at my WORST. And I've started to wonder if I should be alarmed by this. This thought came after recalling the events of July 4th. I went rafting with him and some of his friends and instead of buying beer as he suggested, I told him I didn't want to drink any stinkin beer and that I was going to drink vodka cranberries instead. Truth is, I would have gotten beer IF it were not for the fact that I was in the car when his ex-gf called to wish him a happy 4th of July. I don't know why I was so annoyed, but hey, at least I didn't turn psycho on him. Instead I inflicted the pain on myself.

Despite his warnings I drank half a huge gatorade bottle of vodka - we weren't allowed to bring in glass bottles so we had to be resourceful - while the bf's friend drank the other half. During the last leg of the trip down the river I was so drunk I kept falling out of my boat.. well ok just twice. And also decided that I wanted to puke - which I accomplished by sticking my finger down my throat and yacking into the river... hot!

Then I fell asleep w/ my mouth open. I knew I fell asleep w/ my mouth open b/c when I woke up I turned around without closing my mouth and puked once again.. into the river. Once we hit shore.. more puking ensued. Somehow, either b/c he saw me as pathetic or b/c he just wanted to help, the bf hugged me and made me chug water and told me not to feel so bad that I can't handle my alcohol since he's older and still can't handle his either...

So lets see if I'm keeping the correct tally, in the time I've known him I've
- Puked in his bathroom toilet while he watched
- Puked on him in a cab
- Puked into a river in front of him multiple times

I also realize that he's probably seen me at my best as well. While I was living with him I had to get dolled up for promotional stuff on many occassions.

So maybe it all balances out - the good, the bad, the ugly. Maybe...