In crisis...

It is my firm belief that only in crisis can we know that we truly love someone. Until then, it is merely speculation. Many people may never have their love tested by tragic or truly uncomfortable events, but I find that crisis is a clear winner as a barometer for love for many reasons.

Firstly, many of us are delusional or, to be nicer, unaware about the reasons we love a person. A lot of love is selfish. And I've wondered why for a long time, but came to understand that the only other highly charged emotional relationships in our lives are the relationships with our parents. Most people can be destroyed by a single word or action on the part of their parents. And when we enter relationships, its as if we're looking for that approval our parents either always gave to us, sometimes gave to us, or never gave to us. Depending on the degree to which we felt loved by our parents (either mother or father), we will continue to look for it in our partners. For example, if someone was doted on as a child, they will expect it from a significant other. If someone was neglected by a certain parent, they may stay in bad relationships where their needs are neglected because they have come to expect it.

So in essence, many of us just want approval from someone else, that we are loveable and that our existence is worth being jived about. For others still, if they aren't in a relationship they feel like they're missing their life's blood. Nothing that I've said so far is rocket science, but I guess my point is, IF your relationship with your partner is built on a sense of need for approval, which I would deem to be immature love, then once your partner stopped offering you that sense of approval or you stopped feeling it, the relationship would be over. The reasons for lapses in approval may be reasonable - they're working on their career, they have to deal with a life crisis, they have grown as a person, etc - but the result would be the same, "no more love." I don't call that kind of love real love for another person. Or maybe the better way to put it is that its a shade of love that is too tenuous to count on in the long term. That kind of love is love of built on selfish needs and desires; a love that can only be sustained while the partner is making you feel exactly how you're accustomed to feeling due to your prior experience with your parents.

Crisis then becomes the real test. Could you still love this person if they changed? Could you grow with them? Would you still love this person if they couldn't focus on you as much as you would like them to? If this person came down with a horrible disease, would you still be by their side?

I think a lot of us would like to believe that we would say "yes" to all of the afformentioned questions, but then again I'm not sure that everyone is truthful with themselves.

So if that's immature love, what do other, stronger kinds of love look like? Well, I think there is a type of love that can be based completely on our sense of self and our identity, but is not selfish. Its the "soulmates" kind of love where we see in our opposite gender the person we are. And if we love who we are, we love them just as much. Many people aren't in love with themselves though.. so that's an issue. Then there is the "mature love." The kind of love where you first have to admit to yourself that you are choosing to love this person for reasons that are not superficial - if they are superficial if any of the parameters aren't met you'll just leave. With this choice, you also have to have an overwhelming sense of duty. "I told this person that I loved them, and when I said it I meant it. Given that, even during the times that I am not in love with this person, I will not bail on them." And to be honest, I don't think love must necessarily be tied to marriage. I legally can't marry any of my girlfriends, yet in my true friendships, I'd like to think there is mature love involved.

These are just some of my random thoughts though.. I'm sure there are many a psychiatrist who are better than I am at breaking these thoughts down. They also use fancy words like "ego and shadow."

I'm only effin 23!

Yes, ok, i'm a little slow. But it just dawned on me, I've been taking life to effin seriously! I'm only 23! WHY am I talking about where I want to live and raise a family, or whether or not I'll get married to my boyfriend, or being in the prime of my life, or where my career is headed.

Geeeeez. I haven't been feeling well, mentally, for the past couple of days and I think I needed a day of doing absolutely nothing, not over thinking, nothing to get the huge corkscrew in my head dislodged. I've been beating myself up for everything, wondering when I'll do cutting edge research, when I'll try for this award, when will I get married blah blah blah.

Sigh. Man. Back to my regularly scheduled program of being effin 23. Making eyes with the cuties, letting my milkshake bring all the boys to the yard - even if I only look, no touching, not cheating! If I get married to my bf great, if not, pshhhh I'm gonna be a doctor.. I will be more than fine in the finding of eligible bachelors. I should start being more personable - even if I hate you. I should come to realize that all life decisions don't have to be made immediatly.. or any time soon for that matter. Time to delve into MY interests, the things that excite me, not what will look good on a resume. Express myself as fully as I desire.. b/c when I'm 45 no matter how much I want to, ppl are going to say "God, she thinks she's 23 but she's 45. How sad!" No more repression b/c as CG Jung said - "Everything in the uncouncious seeks outward manifestation."

Sorry that most of this is incoherent. I just had to get that all off my chest.

The Irony

I was having a debate with a friend about whether destiny or fate are real. Neither of us particularly believe in god so in a way we have to make up our own life meanings. My friend more believes in path dependency. Given a certain set of traits and conditions to begin with, each move you make will in turn affect your later movements until you get to the end of your life. So in short, she really doesn't believe in destiny.

Well I guess I've been struggling with this whole idea for a while now. If there is destiny or fate, doesn't that mean there has to be a higher order to all things? And does that mean that this higher order is in fact a god? Hm, well Christian religion really hasn't convinced me so far. So in my inability to understand anything, I've chosen one thing to believe in and that is Karma. Seeing that some people are just born unlucky, it makes me also wonder if karma can follow one through different lives. Anyway, that's another story.

In the end though, there really is no proof for karma or any "higher force." Or is there...?

Then I looked at a gossip column (yes I do this when I procrastinate) and learned that now everyone thinks Howard K. Stern may have had a hand in Anna Nicole Smith's death and refuses to let Anna's daughter be tested just so he can get some loot out of it. HA! Crazy! Because if everyone remembers Anna had been fighting a long battle to get the money from some old guy she conned into marrying her so she could get HIS loot!

DAMN! Life's a BITCH! Be good to others my friends.. be good to others...

I guess some might say "God" had something to do with this. But I'm going to stick with my karma idea. I quite like it.

I met a guy...

I met a guy in the parking lot of a safeway in SF. He was hot and funny so I stayed and talked to him for a bit. He got my phone number, said he'd call me to meet up before he headed off to Hawaii.

He called today just to chit-chat.

Too bad that I met him A YEAR AGO when i was living in SF and had recently broken up w/ my current bf.

He didnt think it was weird at all to be calling me A YEAR later and before I spoke to him sent me creepy text messages saying I should 'call him.' The only reason I finally did call him was b/c my paranoia (sp?) go the best of me and I wanted to make sure I knew the person and that they weren't a random stalker.

He even recounted how he had in fact called me last year and how I said I couldnt meet up w/ him b/c I had other things to do. And when I asked what I owed this call to, he said something about catching up with his favorite med student. Um right. Did I also mention that he is currently in HAWAII??? As if!



What a WEIRDO!

3 Types of Guys

I sort of hate giving advice. Because if it doesnt work for someone then I feel like a screw up. And there are so many different situations in the world, how can you use wide sweeping generalizations for a specific situation? Well my mom would say that all men are the same on some basic level so generalizations are ok in that sense.

Recently a friend I haven't talked to in like forever! got back in contact with me and its been great catching up with her. She's currently going crazy over a particular guy and she asked me about it today. "Should I text him or should I wait?" I told her to wait even though they hadn't seen each other in about a week + a couple of days. He sent her a short note on v-day and that was it. And now she's flipping out!

Understandable.. God it gave me flashbacks of my whole experience w/ my current boyfriend and those were some stressful ass times. So I was giving her advice from what I had learned in my own experiences.

She then mentioned that her friends had met guys around the same time she did and those guys were all over them. And then it dawned on me, I know about 3 types of guys in particular b/c I had to deal with them in succession. So I figured if I put down my thoughts I could better help her sort out her situation. I can't do it all at once, b/c I have a lot of other things that need to get done, but I thought I'd at least start.

The 1st guy - Adam AKA Mr. Protege - Total sleaze ball
1.) Called sometimes.. mostly on the weekends when he was out partying. Also called while sitting in traffic
- texted a lot
- probably had a girlfriend who he called a "friend"
- his pursuit increased greatly when he figured out I wasn't an easy catch
- went on 2 dates in 8 months
- saw him on impromptu occasions twice
- end result: told him I was moving out of state.. that didnt work, and finally after a year and a half of him trying to get laid, I told him I was changing my number. Problem solved!

The 2nd guy - Jason AKA Mr. Net - Clingy basket case
1.) After 1st date, texted me 1 minute after I left to say something like "Had fun! Hope I can see you again"
- emailed consistently
- talked about marriage on 2nd date
- came on way too strong
- invited me to meet his family after a couple of months of knowing him
- got really offended by my apathy towards him
- ended up sending me an email about how he wanted to "break it off" (Lol! break WHAT off?)
- months later invited me out to dinner after hearing that I was thinking of breaking up w/ current boyfriend and gave a speech about how he wanted to date me again
- end result: fuck off weirdo! ok not really, still sorta keep in contact w/ him when he sends random emails or calls randomly and tries to make himself feel better about his current gfs... whatever

3rd guy - Brian AKA The boyfriend - Guy's guy
- ugh, where do I begin!

More to come...

Eureka!

(I should also note, that not all posts are going on my myspace account since more personal posts, or posts about certain people and things, can be read by people that I don't want reading them. This blog is more personal.. so grab a pillow, snuggle up, and enjoy the mellow vibes of the smooth jazz whafting out of the speakers :) )

Ok to the point. I think I've finally figured out why I have felt strange about my love for my boyfriend. Usually when people are in love you can see it. They're head over heels and never want to be separated from their loved one for a second! Ok, maybe this is a bit extreme. But the point is after the "honeymoon" stage wore off I felt distant. I know I love him.. well I think I do.. but I just don't "feel" it. I've been wondering why that is, and if its just a "me" thing. But I think I've finally figured it out.

I don't "feel" in love with him b/c I still view him as an enemy to be wary of. There are parts of my life that I have purposely neglected to share with him b/c I felt that he would judge me. But in thinking of whether or not to finally share certain things with him, I started to feel less apprehensive, less like he is an enemy of sorts that can judge me and destroy me. I mean I have no idea how he will react to any of it, but if it is positive, or at least supportive, I guess then I know the love really exists. And then maybe I can let my hair down and allow myself to feel... to REALLY feel..

This could all end badly with me dumping him and throwing a brick at his truck.. buuut.. lets go with the warm feelings until proven otherwise ;-)

Piss Off!

(PS the contents of this post are also on my myspace account. I haven't put my settings on private yet, so even if you don't have an account you can view it, so I probably won't double post much these days. But in the event that I do turn my account private, I'll double post so you don't have to get a myspace account just to read up on my current retardedness... not that anyone cares.. but just in case :) www.myspace.com/gyangster)

I can't wait until I buy my own house! Today, for the second time, a neighbor accosted me about the poop on the lawn within the apartment complex. The first time she tried to talk to me about it she repeated ad nauseum the fact that she had to pick up poop that day and that it wasn't HER dog, and the dog in some other apartment ran away, and so it had to be either my dog or my roommate's dog. Firstly, ew. Secondly, there are more than 3 dogs in the whole apartment complex. But since this particular neighbor isn't aware of that fact that there are mroe dogs, she refuses to believe me. Apparently I'm just making sh** up.

So whatever. I told her that I took my dog for long walks so it wasn't him. If she finds that there is dog poop on the lawn she can buy a lawn chair, sit out there, and discover the perpetrator. (Ok, I kind of didn't say that last part.)To make matters worse, today, as I was leaving to study, she yells my name as she is actually picking up dog poop. EW! (she did have gloves on) Then she tries to accuse me of doing it. "Listen bitch, it aint me." Ok I didnt say that part either. But I did say that it wasn't me, she still didnt believe that there are other dogs in the complex, AND she thinks its my roommate. Then she goes on about how "it" (it what?) is against the law in Palo Alto. I assure her that it wasn't me or my roommate. But she doesn't believe me. She still thinks its my roommate.

ARGH! What is wrong w/ people? I have better things to think about then "who's dog poop is on a friggen lawn!" This is punishment for my bad saving habits. Seriously, I was making enough money during my time off from school to not only pay off my credit cards, but also enough to put a down payment on a house, albeit a modest house. Did I do any of these things? NO! And here is my punishment - an old lady holding poop in her hand trying to make me look at it while also accusing me of letting my dog do it.When I buy a house, I will be sure to buy a gigantic sign that says "FUCK OFF" and stick it on my lawn.

Humph!

Kind of Embarassed

Today we had a ophthalmologist come in to give us an introductory lecture to the field. I was about 10 minutes early and decided to go sit in the lecture hall anyway. As I walked in the ophthalmologist asked me what year we were. I told him and also added that we were trying to use ophthalmascopes the previous week and in the process almost made one of our fellow students go blind (she was really nice to have incompetent people stare in her eye with a bright ass light). He asked what parts of the eye we had gone over already and I told him.

Later on a couple of students trickled in and a friend came to sit next to me. She was discussing how behind she was and I empathized. I then got so worked up in my empathy that I cursed! In front of the ophthalmologist! It went something like "I love it when I'm watching lectures and the professor will say, oh you should learn this chart for the test. Then another professor will say that about another chart in another class. Then another professor will be like, oh you should learn this for the test. I'm just like fuck you! I'm not learning any of this!"

Ok first of all. I didnt mean to say "fuck you" as much as I meant to say "fuck that." In saying "fuck you" it seems as if I am putting down professors who take so much time to teach us, and that I am ungrateful. Not the case. Secondly, I really didnt mean to say "fuck" as much as I meant to say "screw" as in "screw that." Thirdly, I didn't mean to say it so loud. Fourthly, the doctor kept tinkering with his computer so maybe he was so absorbed in that, that he didnt hear me. Fifthly, it really doesn't matter if he heard me or not does it? Like is he going to report me to someone? Oh no! I hope he doesnt report me! And by the way, he has no bearing on my grades. Sixthly, I think everything came out the way it did b/c I'm just stressed out.

So in conclusion, I need to keep my mouth shut about what I think about the curriculumn in front of important people. Apparently I get so worked up that I do embarassing things like curse in front of people that I might offend.

Sigh..

Put up and Shut up!

I've decided to quit my bitchin'... well sorta. No one MADE me decide to go into medicine. And it wasn't like I didn't know it was going to be hard. So its time for me to stop complaining about how so and so gets to do this and that.

I made this decision after talking to a doctor at a dinner party. I complained to her about how I felt like I was in the prime of my life and was spending all this time holed up in libraries and lecture halls. She simply laughed at me and said, "You are NOT in the prime of your life. Wait until you get older."

I guess she's right. I'm just a naive 23 year old. What do I know about life? And even if it takes me until 30 to start practicing (you know the kind of practicing where I'm not crying over an attendant yelling at me and calling me incompetent) at least THEN I'll be in the prime of my life and will have more autonomy over my life than I could ever imagine.

She also told me that she had a "Faaabulous time" in medical school. I looked at her as if she had two heads. Then she explained, "Yes, the first two years were very rigorous, but I still found ways to have fun. And clinics, oh those are wonderful!"

Ok, fine. Sigh.. back to work.

We Really Aren't that Special

This is a lesson that I've been trying to teach myself for a while now. Why in the world would I want to do that? Well because.. feeling special can be a good thing, but it can also make you think that the world revolves around you and your issues. Its much more freeing to look at a situation and say "Eh, it happens. Even to me! I'm not that special. I am no less subject to the ups and downs of life than the bum I met on the street. Ok, maybe I've been luckier, but really life does not revolve around me."

This lesson seems even more salient after my perusal of craigslist. My living situation is much better than it was before, but I would like to live in a nicer apartment complex overall and would like to relocate to Menlo Park, which ends up being closer to the med school campus. I'm in no rush so from time to time I'll look on craigslist to see if this is even a viable option - i.e. can a find a better place thats not more expensive and nicer in a different neighborhood?

Then I came across a post. It was a guy who had just rented a 3 bedroom house and was looking to fill it with housemates. He works at Stanford and has a dog. He included a picture of himself and the dog. He's cute and his dog at least looks friendly. Then something dawned on me. He's charging the same amount that my current bf was charging when I moved in with him (before we started dating). Also, he's about the same height and build except he has blonde hair. He has the dog that my bf would have gotten if he didn't get a Doberman. He's 26 (the same age my bf was when I met him) AND his name is Brian.

Haha. Its a funny coincidence I guess. I decided to definetly NOT respond to the ad. But it made me think. If I can find one person on craigslist who is strikingly similar to my bf, even on a superficial level, well geez, we're not all that special afterall are we? I mean I guess it makes sense. There are billions of people in the world. And our genes don't mutate like crazy. Not to mention there are a lot of cultural similarities (especially if you grow up in the US), so there are bound to be people out there who sorta look like you, sorta talk like you, and sorta think the way you think.

I personally don't know how many times I've been told, "I met this girl today. She looks just like you!" Usually though, I find that the person looks nothing like me, but I'm sure there are plenty of people who actually do look like me.

Funny, its such a strange concept. I'm not special. None of us are! Go fig!

The Notebook!

So after tracking down Columbia House's REAL customer service number my issue with them was resolved and supposedly they are refunding the amount + extra that I was double billed with.

Anyway, thats not important. What is important is that they made me fill out a card for movies I wanted and gave a list. But the list wasn't that long and I did it quickly.

I looked again at the list they said they sent me and my heart skipped a beat when I realized I HAD in fact ordered "The Notebook". Its really weird because I'm not generally a chick-flick kind of person, and when I found out a certain ex-friend saw the movie and loved it, I decided that I would probably hate the movie.

I can't really remember where I saw the movie (DAMN YOU MED SCHOOL! My brain is complete moosh) but I remember I LOVED IT! I think in part its b/c the guy reminds me of my current boyfriend.. which I guess means that it is possible that I may hate this movie later on. Also, the guy is HOT. AND overall they did a great casting job AND the story is so moving. ME? moved by LOVE? Crazy but this movie did it. Even looking at the cover makes my heart melt.. crazzzy.

Much like "Gladiator" I will probably watch this movie a bajillion times until I'm sick of it and name another dog after a character in the movie... or not.

But yeah. Great movie :)

It's hard but I'm trying

I once heard a saying that didn't make much sense at the time. Something about, "to wait at a street corner for no one is powerful." Or maybe it was a bus stop. But why would you wait at a bus stop of you weren't waiting for anyone?

In any case, the point of the quote was to say that those who truly are happy with themselves and their lives need no one and more importantly don't suffer from jealousy or envy.

My mom has been trying to get me to become this way, and while I've learned theoretically never to be envious of anyone - we've all got our own issues in life - at a basic level its kind of hard to not have a reaction of envy these days.

Here I sit at a desk - my desk, the libraries desk, a classroom desk - caged in by my school obligations and I look out to other people. I have friends who just quit their job and became beach bums, I have friends who are in their 20s having the time of their lives, I have friends who seem to have a lot of things figured out, and I can't help but be envious. I know that this med school thing is for me. I know that I will be greatful when I graduate to finally be able to do what *I* want to do and not feel like someone's bitch for the rest of my life.. and yet, I still wish that for a moment, I can be free from all of these obligations and be the pure and simple, me.

But alas, I slave away learning names of muscles, nerves, drugs, bugs... for the most part I find interest in joy in the endeavor but again, there are the moments where I wonder how long I can handle delaying gratification.

I have this sad feeling that when I finally make it out of this all I'm going to look back on my 20s with some regret. For a long while I felt that I had "lived it up" while in college and during my break from school and all of "that" is out of my system. But when I look over to friends who are spending their 20s doing what they FEEL they want to do and not what they THINK they should be doing, I can't help but wish I could do whatever I FELT like.

I'm going to have to reconcile this all.. and hopefully soon. Maybe I can find a way to take meaningful breaks from all the work so I don't feel that I'm squandering my 20s as I sit at one desk after another learning..all..the..time..living..never.

It reminds me of the sports medicine resident I ran into while I was a junior in college. She was bitter; really bitter. "Medical school is not worth it. I just did it because I had an ego. Am I ever going to remember the drug names from pharmacology? No. So much of it was useless. I'm 3o I don't own my own car, I don't own my own house. I have friends who have all of that and their married. I'd advise you not to do it. Just be a PA. You'll make as much money and you'll get out of school faster."

After getting into medical school I laughed it off as just a bitter person who didn't plan properly. But now I know.. this choice this early in life kinda sucks. And at the end I may feel robbed of my youth.

Then again, I've always felt robbed of my youth. I was made responsible for a lot of things early on, so what's the big deal now?

I don't know.. just tired of always being responsible I guess. I think this means I need a vacation. A vacation where I lay on some beach and think of nothing but how much I love the warm sun... 2 months and counting until that dream can even become a possiblity... :-/

The impossible may be happening

I'm sure I've bored you all to death with my constant whining about my classmates. But it seems like the impossible is starting to happen. I'm starting to not dislike..all.. of them. The reason for this really goes back to why I disliked them in the first place. I don't like pretending to like people if I don't know them. And before I know a person, I usually find them to be annoying. I guess its because, without knowing a person, I have no context in which to put their personality and behavior in so its just really annoying.

Por ejemplo:

We had a class where a psychiatric patient came in and talked about her depression. One of my classmates which I found to be particularly annoying asked the following, "I come from a family that has dealt with depression a lot and I know that when someone is depressed, a lot of times they are really trying to get better but its really hard for them. Were there anythings that gave you hope to keep trying in your battle with depression?"

After he said that, he stopped annoying me. Why? B/c now I know why he's so obnoxious. If you're young and growing up with a family member with depression, it can often be the case that you try to carry the burden of cheering the person up. You try to make jokes, be happy all the time, or direct attention from their depression in any possible way. Thus, why this guy is such an attention-whore! Knowing a small part of his story has made me dislike him.. less.

Also, we've had to do a couple of projects in small groups that have pretty much forced me to listen to my classmates and get to know some of them better. Now that I know some of their background, I can judge them less harshly I guess.

I'm not saying i'm going to be partying with them any time soon or adding them as facebook friends. But, it kind of reinforces my original belief that I don't just dislike people b/c I like disliking them. But if I only get to know you on a superficial level, just because you're pleasant doesn't mean I should like you. Truly awful people can be pleasant for a few moments in their day. But once I get to know that deep down..deep, deep, down, you're a good person and pretty genuine, then we can talk. But getting to know people is a looong process.

I'm up for it now that I am getting to know another side of people.

(Granted I started out liking 6 people and now like 9.. like I said, slow process ;) )