The Product of Laziness

***DISCLAIMER*** After reading this post you may be inclined to say such things as, "Bang, shut the hell up and count your blessings." or, "I can't believe this bitch is complaining about this." But really I felt like wasting some time at work and this is the only interesting thing I got going besides the Ex-files. And he hasn't done anything interesting of late, except try to open my bathroom door to see if I was naked and get mad at me b/c I thought it was funny that he wanted to leave the television on for his dog.. but anyway I digress. Please forward all evil thoughts, emails, and "fuck you" statements to the trash bin. Grazie :-)



So after I got accepted to med school, I gave a big "SCREW YOU" to all the schools that put me on the waitlist. Some schools automatically enroll you on the waitlist and wait for you to tell them to take you off and others make you send a form saying you accept a spot or not. Well by the time I got in I had already sent schools letters saying to put me on thinking I had no other chances. Well then all of a sudden the other bay area school sent me a letter saying I was put on hold. Well screw that, I don't need you! (Well for now, maybe I will for residency, so really I will need you.. but later) Then a few weeks after that letter I was told I was put on the high-waitlist. Again, kiss my ass. Then yesterday I got a big package from them. CRAP! My absolute laziness in drafting letters, folding them, sticking them in an envelope, putting on a stamp, and addressing them (too many steps clearly), has now made me feel like crap. Now I'm taking up some eager person's spot b/c I was too lazy to inform the school that I no longer wanted to be under consideration.

What is even more odd is that there was no excitement whatsoever when I saw the envelope. I was kind of annoyed actually since it would involve me filing paper work. ANNOYED! TO be admitted to one of the top 5 medical schools in the country. Clearly I'm taking crazy pills. But really its as if you've found the man of your life and then some other guy comes and hits on you. Really that is the exact equivalent. Not to mention having my mother say "Isn't it ranked higher than your school? Why don't you go there? Are you reaaaally going to turn them down? I mean I couldn't turn them down. If it were me..." Damn it! I'm done with this process, no more thinking.

Anyway, in an effort to not be more ridiculous I need to start drafting some letters.. Although with my busy schedule and need to move by this weekend it might not happen for another week or so. Hopefully no other school will get "accept happy" in the meantime and I won't feel like crap again.

CLE 1.3 - Timing is everything

Him: Hey, come sit here.
Me: Um, why?
Him: I want to tell you something.
Me: Dude, I'm seriously hung over. If you do anything gross I'm going to yack.
Him: I'm too tired to do anything gross.
(I tentatively sit on the couch)
Me: You're not going to fart are you?
Him: No, no dutch ovens.
Me: Ok..
Him: I just wanted to say that I think you're beautiful and I love hanging out with you, and I love spending time with you. I hope that what happened between us doesn't taint anything. I just wasn't ready to have a girlfriend. I just can't right now..
Me: I understand.
Him: Its just bad timing. It wasn't meant to be right now. But there is no doubt in my mind that if I was ready I would want to be with you.
Me: Well thanks for being honest. And I understand what you mean. It's what my guy friends have explained to me anyway.
Him: Well yeah, you're gorgeous and.. well.. but.. its not like we could ever get married anyway.
Me: Why not?
Him: We argue all the time.
Me: Not about anything important.
Him: not important?
Me: Oh you mean like arguing over conservative and liberal view points. Well see I don't think we really differ there. Like I know what you think, like we're all equal and have equal opportunities and people should just work hard. People should work to better their condition, but I can't just say that and think nothing else. Like you'll be in an industry where you will work with people who will have the capital and means to do what they want. I won't be working with people like that. I can't just ignore what makes their lives hard. That way nothing will get fixed.
Him: Yeah I guess its better to have differing opinions to some extent. My parents are like that. My dad's really conservative and my mom's liberal.
Me: Yeah I guess my vision of it is different. One of my bestfriend's is engaged to a texas republican and she's a california democrat! Anyway, what else do you think wouldn't make it work?
Him: It really urks me that you don't brush your teeth before you go to bed.
Me: Are you serious???
Him: Yes! You just let all that sugar sit on your teeth all night and then you get cavities. You have to brush your teeth!
Me: Ha! Yeah I have a lot of cavities now I guess. But really, there has to be something more important than not brushing my teeth at night. What else do we not agree about, thats actually important?
Him: Eh, I guess there's nothing else really.
(I smile and take a bite of my sandwich)
Him: I had to listen to Arizona having sex yesterday.
Me: Really?? She's only been on two dates with that guy!
Him: Slut!

----------------------------

Mind you, this conversation was unprovoked. Even when we broke up I didn't ask him any "why's." I respected his decision and continued to do my own thing. I'm thinking that he had to hear himself say these things to feel better. Although, I'm glad he did. One thing, of many, that I've learned in this situation is that it's better to let someone go with love, rather than anger and resentment. Its a hard thing to do, but if acted angry or hostile towards my ex he never would have come out and said anything. And even worse, my hostility might have reinforced that I wasn't as great as he thought.

In other news, I really can't believe that my roommate slept w/ the guy though. This is the same guy she didn't think was that attractive and was very luke warm about. Then again, she did the same thing with Brian's friend... and her best friend is dating a married guy. NOT good times.

Fight or Flight

It wasn't until yesterday that I actually realized something about myself. When I was really shy being around certain people would cause me to have a physiological reaction. There would be a surge of something in my body that would make my heart race, my palms would get sweaty, and I would generally get anxious. I had this same reaction about a month ago when I asked a question in a big lecture hall. I also have this reaction to my ex now when I hear him coming up the stairs when I'm home. Its interesting that I've read enough about the human fight or flight response system but never applied that to my own situation. As a shy person, people evoked my fight or flight response. Asking a question to a prominent faculty member in the presence of hundreds of people did the same thing. And now that my ex and I are broken up, dealing with his presence evokes the same response. But just as I overcame my shyness I'm slowly learning how to not run away from emotional situations.

CLE 1.2 - Bitch!

Him: (high pitched voice) Come here Max. Max, come here. Come here.
Max: (Gives him the "Ah hell na" look)
Him: Son of a bitch.
Me: Did you just call Max a son of a bitch?
Him: Yeah.
Me: That's sad.
Him: Well his mom is a bitch isn't she?
Me: That's not how you meant it. Getting mad at animals is not the answer. Max doesn't hate you you know. He's terrified of you. There is a difference.
Him: Max isn't terrified of me. (Walks over to Max and starts rubbing his belly)
Max: (Starts growling)
Me: He knows you're not being genuine. He can tell. Hey you want these light up die? Lets play, if you win you can have them.
Him: What happens if I lose?
Me: You can have em anyway, I don't need them.

20 minutes later after I walk into my room and start getting ready for bed.

Him: (opens door again without knocking!) Hey, you know when I called Max's mom a bitch, I wasn't talking about you.
Me: HAHAHA! Obviously not. You meant..
Him: Well I meant his biological mother. In dogs, the female is called the bitch.
Me: Yes. I know this. Thanks.
Him: Oh ok. I got scared there for a minute.

????

Part of me wonders why he thinks I would have engaged him in further conversation if he thought I thought he was calling me a bitch.

CLE 1.1 - Blue Cheese?

I think my roommate/ex gets a rise out of watching me eat things that are truly disgusting. I came back home yesterday and was trying to wash my face in peace when I heard my roommate yelling my name numerous times. Since I hadn't seen him at all and left Max home, I thought Max had done something truly heinous and he was mad about it. After walking out of the bathroom I go to see what all the commotion is about.

Him: Hey you have t try this!
Me: What the hell is that?
Him: Blue cheese. (smile)
Me: Um.. no thanks.
Him: No really. This is what makes Britain a great country.
Me: Yeah except all the rest of their food sucks.
Him: Yeah.. But try this.
Me: Ugh, give me a small amount.
Him: (Slabs on a huge chunck of cheese)
Me: I said small!
Him: But you won't be able to get the full flavor.
Me: Ugh. Ok. (Shoves stupid cheese and cracker in mouth)
Him: Good huh?
Me: UM. This tastes like what cleaning fluid smells like.
Other roommate: Yeah a lot of people don't like it.
Me: (Steals a cracker w/o cheese and walks away) I know you're trying to poison me. But I have a stomach of steal. So give up now.
Him: (Laughs)

Chronicles of Living with an Ex - 1.0

I've got a week and a half to go! Then I'm moving to... drum roll please.... Los Altos? Yes, Los Altos. I was aiming for Palo Alto or Menlo Park and somehow the best place I found was in a neighborhood thats even more wealthy and senile than the last Peninsula suburb I lived in. Ah well, whatcha gonna do?

Anyway so I figured if I can't get enjoyment from the random interactions I have with my ex, well maybe others can. Its also a good way for me to vent since I can't exactly call up a friend right there and then and talk about him in front of his face. I mean I could... but I won't.

:)

Ambivalence - The Silent Killer (of Relationships)

So I usually have no trouble talking about faults in men, whether in general, or the specific faults of the men I interact with. One key problem that I addressed a while back (See: Friday, March 25, 2005) is the sheer ambivalence men have for relationships and marriage today. It wasn't until recently that I realized I TOO am so extremely ambivalent about relationships that eventually they just fall apart.

I discovered my ambivalence when I had a drunken conversation with my ex's best friend. He was confused about the dynamics of relationships and particularly why one woman he knows always puts up with her husband's crap. I told him that the husband knew what he was doing when he married her. Most people aren't apt to changing their ways. Instead they find people who validate them or put up with their crapola and then they befriend them or marry them (e.g. this guy and his wife). We started talking about breaking up and/or walking away from marriages. I (hazily) remember telling him that in relationships, a lot of the time, one person has to be more invested in it than the other person. The person who is more invested is then in charge of keeping the other person involved. I gave him the example of my ex and I. When we broke up it was more of us both agreeing that it was for the best. If he were more invested in the relationship than I was, he wouldn't have agreed so easily, and vice versa.

Since I have to see my ex practically every day, its hard for me to ignore the dynamics of our relationship. There are sometimes I look at him or he does something and I think "wow, he's awesome." And there are other times I want to smack him across the face. But overall my feelings are still positive towards him. Even so, I couldn't see myself attempting to initiate getting back together. Why? Well, it's because I am extremely ambivalent. I want to be with him, but then I don't want to be with him. He's a good guy, but is he good enough? etc, etc, etc.

I don't know if my ambivalence comes from my attachment issues, which is what is attributed to male ambivalence. But I do know that it definetly comes from what my mother raised me to believe. For most of my life my mother told me it was a bad idea to get married. "Don't depend on any man" was her motto and for the longest time I believed it - and still do. I finally decided during my college years that I did in fact want to get married. I saw how hard my mother struggled to raise kids on her own and if I'm going to have kids, I don't want to go it alone. With that said, would I know a good prospect for marriage if I met him? I'm starting to wonder because in objectively evaluating my ex, he'd be a good candidate - respects his parents, loves pets, wants to get married and have kids some day, good earning potential, etc. Yet, I'm not willing to hold on to that. Why? On the surface level there is the idea that "I can always do better!" There are more attractive guys out there, there are guys who make more money, etc. But truthfully, I'm starting to think that deep down I don't value marriage that much in the first place, and because I'm unsure of what the outcome will be, I'm also weary about getting involved with someone who I could eventually marry. I can totally see myself moving on to someone else who would be a good candidate for marriage but then finding something wrong in the person, becoming ambivalent, and having the relationship fall apart again.

But what's the alternative really? The alternative would be spending my 20's repeating the same pattern until my biological clock ticked so loud I clawed into any man I could find and finally settled down with him. That would be sad, sad times.

So what to do now? Well, I'm not entirely sure of the whole "you know the one when you meet them" thing. Because if I am truly ambivalent, even if I felt it, I'd probably dismiss it. But I do realize that I'm still 22. So my current plan of action is to give myself until the age of 24 and see what happens. By 24 if I still havent "met the one" (whatever) or if I find myself constantly ending relationships over stupid reasons, I will start seriously working on my dating habits.

Until then, I'll do what everyone else does, claim - he wasnt for me, over and over and over and over again until I not only confront, but actually CHANGE my self-defeating behaviors.

Bad Boy vs. Good Boy, does it matter?

Today I had a conversation with a friend who was trying to make herself like a "good guy" more than she liked a "bad guy" and both guys want her bad. She let me know all the reasons why she should go with the good guy and all the reasons she shouldn't go for the bad guy and kept calling herself stupid for even thinking of dating the "bad guy." In the conversation with her I was finally able to express and idea of mine that I've been throwing around in my head. For as much as people tell me that I'm "mature for my age" I've always thought that if I matured early, everything in life I'm "supposed" to attain would come much sooner. I started college at 16, graduated at 20, thus I should have a career started earlier than most.. right? Not so much. Instead of going straight through to med school I took 2 years off to live in the "real world" for a bit. So in effect, I'll be the same age as someone coming straight from college. Will I have more life experience than people who go straight through? Most likely. Will that mean I'll do better on exams? Probably not. Does it mean I'll be a better clinician in a couple of years? Maybe. Did the person who went straight through college to grad school make a bad choice? Probably not.

The point here is that we're all individuals here to learn our own lessons, for one reason or the other. When my friend kept going on and on, I finally just told her "listen. you're going to keep trying to talk yourself out of dating the bad guy, but you know what, you're probably going to do it anyway. will you get hurt? most likely." She interrupted and said "well i just don't think that i should keep making choices that i KNOW have bad endings." I responded by saying, "one thing i believe is that there are lessons we're going to learn not by thinking it through, not by someone telling us what's right or wrong, but by actually EXPERIENCING the lesson first hand." She retorted, "But I KNOW he is bad for me. I shouldn't have to light myself on fire to know that its going to hurt." I responded, "Well, there's a difference. What pleasure would you anticipate gaining if you lighted yourself on fire versus what pleasure do you anticipate gaining through your benefit of the doubt that the bad guy may end up being a nice guy? As long as the doubt exists in your head, you'll be inclined to do it. And only in dating him, and maybe a few more like him, will you erase that doubt and know next time to say upfront, 'hey, don't pass go, this isn't going to work out. sorry.'" "Fair enough" was her last response.

And I'm learning slowly but surely that you can't really speed up your life. I do think I'm more mature than a lot of 22-year-olds. That comes from the things I've seen and experienced as a kid, upbringing, observation of other 22-year-olds, and constant affirmations by older individuals when they think that I am much older than 22. Does that mean I'll get married by 23, be a doctor by 24, have life figured out by 30? Probably not. I still have a lot of growing pains in the relationship department, but my last relationship has shown me that I am willing to stretch and grow from the experience. I can't be a doctor by 24 because it'll take 4 or 5 years of required training (the only certainty that I have in my life thus far), and by 30, I'll be older and wiser but that doesn't mean I'll be closer to the purpose of my life or anyone else's.

So in the end, I've decided that sadly, I will not be able to figure everything out on a time frame that I find convenient. And also, many aspects of life cannot be figured out just by 'thinking it through.' I'll have to learn about life as I experience it. Though most things are uncertain, if I'm at least ready to grow, the time for great things will come.

I'm not ashamed...

That's right. I'm an introvert and thanks to this article I'm not afraid to admit it! Actually I've never been afraid to admit being introverted, but I am taken aback by how accuratley the author describes the "plight" of the introvert :) I also liked that he used the word "haughty" as a possible adjective used to describe women introverts. It's funny b/c I've never gotten called "haughty" - a cold bitch? Yes.

http://www.theatlantic.com/doc/200303/rauch

God Bless the Cabbies

There are those rare nights where an $11.50 cab ride turns into a $20 affair. If I remember to tip a cabbie I give him a buck or two at most. But tonight, the cabbie I rode with deserved the $8.50 tip, even if he didnt think so.

C: Where ya goin?
B: B & S please (i kid you not, those are the initials of my streets)
(2 minutes into the ride)
C: You don't mind if I eat in here do you?
B: Oh no go ahead.
C: Ok, just wanted to make sure.
(1 minute later)
C: Oh is it too cold? Should I close the window?
B: Oh no I'm ok. Thanks.
(30 seconds later)
C: You have a good energy you know? I just thought I'd say that.
B: Me? Oh thank you. I never knew that.
C: Yeah, I just thought I'd tell you. It has nothing to do with your looks; just your energy
B: Thanks.
(1 minute later)
C: I mean I'm not saying your bad on the eyes. If I were younger I'd hit on you. But I'm too old for you. But.. your energy, is just, so positive.
B: Haha! Really. No thats ok. Thanks. I appreciate hearing that.
C: I mean I don't mean to be forward or creepy.
B: No. I just broke up with a boyfriend 2 weeks ago, so its nice to hear those things. It reminds me of things.
C: Oooh. You're a rare find you know? You've got the looks but you've still got good energy. You know there are a lot of beautiful women in this city that are just..
B: Oh I know what you mean.
C: Yeah. I mean its like "No, thanks!"
B: Haha, yeah I know some people like that.
C: Yeah! You probably work with them.
B: Yeah. I understand what you mean.
C: But never forget your energy.
B: I'll try not to. I guess I'm just confused these days. Like I feel that love no longer matters.
C: Love matters, some. But today you need more than love. You need love, deep respect, commitment, the whole bag, its not just about love anymore. Love is all around. People fall in love all the time. But its fleeting. You have to have the other components to make it work. If you lose love, you'll still have the respect, or the commitment. So if youre hubby does something he shouldn't, you'll always have one of the three elements that will make you want to work it out.
B: Ahh. I see what you're saying. I guess today its just harder to rely on love.
C: It is. But you know, dont ever compromise.
B: Oh man! My mom tells me that all the time!
C: Its true. If you see a guy and all you want is one night with him. Let him know in the morning. Don't be afraid to tell him the truth and say goodbye.
B: Yeah, I know. It's just that I want more than that. I want the love, the commitment, the respect, you know?
C: That's old fashioned.
B: Thats so funny because I never considered myself old fashioned. I don't know who to wait for anymore.
C: You'll have to find someone old fashioned like you. Don't worry it'll happen. Remember, you have to find a man who respects his mother, loves pets, and is willing to love you.
B: Wow. haha.
C: No I'm serious. You tell it to him straight. "I dont want to do this unless its solid. If it's not we shouldnt proceed. But if you want something solid, we should give it a shot."
B: Wow.. thats good to know. I WILL stop compromising. Here you go. Have a good night.
C: Wait! You have some change coming to you.
B: Oh no. Its rare that I take a ride with someone with such wisdom.
C: No, no. Take the change.
B: Don't worry. I'm going to be a doctor some day. It's ok.
C: Oh wow. That's great. We need doctors like you. And I'm serious. If I were younger, I'd be out here waiting by the door, asking if you wanted a ride somewhere. But I'm too old for you. But remember, don't compromise. He will come. Trust me.
B: (Huge smile) Well thank you sir. I appreciate your words immensly. I will wait. I will stop compromising. You have a good night!
C: Well, just remember when you need to get somewhere call YC. And one of these nights, it'll be me, sitting here, in my hat, and I'll say "How's it goin?"
B: I'd like that a lot. Again, thank you. Have a good night.
C: Good luck!
B: You too...

AARGH

I was reminded this morning of a conversation I had with my mom a long time ago. She was telling me about the men in her office that constantly make attempts to date her. She told me how ridiculous it would be to date any of them for many reasons, one of which being that they were mostly interested because she was such a bitch. And that men remember her name long after they've met her because they could never have her, but that if she had dated any of them, if someone brought up her name, they'd be like "who?"

Why am I reminded of this? B/c my ex/roommate came in this morning and mixed up my name w/ my roommates name. Did he do this while we were dating? Not ONCE.

Bitch shield 100% activated.

Screw this.

I can't believe I SAID THAT!

Grooaaannn. As I woke up this morning I had flashbacks to the night before where I had one, maybe two, glass(es) of wine too many. I was drinking with my female roommate. My ex, was doing lord knows what, but by the time he got back I was druunk. My female roommate, who will be called, Arizona, drunk dialed her ex and ran into her room and my ex and I had an argument as to whether you can be at the top of your field and be a good parent at the same time. I said no. There involves some sacrifice. Either you're at the top of your field and your husband or wife tends to the kids or you wait for them to be grown up enough to not need your guidance as much and then do as you please. My roommate/ex predictably wanted to win the argument by saying "look at me!" that didnt happen to me! I raised the point that he grew up on a farm and that was the one exception. Children raised in the woods, today at least, I'd argue have a better chance of growing up normal than children raised in the mainstream, with all your MTV and celebrity gossip, etc.

Anyway none of this is really the point. After Arizona finished drunk dialing her ex she came back out to chat. My other roommate had already gone to bed. As I was chatting with Arizona, and finishing my last glass of wine I decided it would be hilarious if I went into my roommates room and threw water in his face. Why did I think it would be funny? Lord knows why, but I was drunk and I was sure hilarity was to ensue. During a lull in the conversation I told Arizona my plan and she tried to convince me not to do it. Too late! I ran in the kitchen rinsed out my wine glass, ran to my other roommate's room, woke him up in a panic, threw water in his face, laughed my head off and ran away.

He then came out of his room drenched, me still laughing, Arizona laughing as well. As soon as Arizona went back into her room my other roommate yelled over for me to look at him and then pulled his boxers down and said "hey laugh at this." Ugh! Whatever. I kept laughing and before I knew it he was naked and trying to pull me onto his bed. At some point I yelled "You look Grecian! You know, when they're naked and playing the olympics!" And then I ran off.

I finally decided the fun needed to come to an end before my ex/roommate got the wrong idea (whoops, too late). I went to my room and was preparing for bed when he walked in, I apologized for throwing water on him and he grabbed a pillow from my bed since his were both wet. Fair enough. He left, I turned off my lights and tried to fall into drunken la-la land. That is until my roommate came BACK into my room and tried to make out with me.. ok well did. I pulled myself away from him and that is when I said my famous last words - "I miss you as a boyfriend but I'm ok with being friends with you." His response? I don't remember but the conversation to follow was disjointed and sounded like - him: but you threw water on me! me: if your best friend threw water on you, you wouldnt be in his room trying to make out with him! him: true. well we can't make out? me: ew, no! don't worry i'll be gone in a month. it wont be awkward.

Ugh, ok, so why the HELL did I say I missed him as a boyfriend? How much more of myself do I need to share with someone who doesn't care before I feel like jumping off a bridge? I'm at least glad it happened after I made the decision in my head to forgive myself in the relationship department. Yeah I'm young, I'm going to do stupid stuff and say stupid things, whatcha gonna do?

In any case, I'm quite proud of myself for not hooking up w/ him even while under the influence. At least I know for sure I'm D-O-N-E.

Plus I made my ex/roommate go pick up boxes for me this morning as payback for trying to take advantage of a drunk ex.. thats just... low.. and consequently all my romantic feelings for him have been shut OFF. Good times..

How long should I be a bitch for?

Ok, so for the "nothing ventured, nothing gained" crowd, this post isn't going to be very convincing, but I am going to attempt to rework my dating life for the better anyway.

So you know how life sends you those little messages over and over again. The first time you might have ignored it (for me when my mom said it). The second time you might have acknowledged it but didnt take it to heart (when I read it in a dating advice column). But the third time, you finally got it (when I heard it again on a radio show). What is this message that I'm currently taking to heart? "Be a hard as nails bitch up until the day you're married."

A week and a half after my second break up, I must say, while I haven't done much soul searching (we weren't together for THAT long), I have started re-evaluating my approach to dating. I know that the girl that plays hard to get eventually gets the guy she wants. But I always thought that it was at the point that two people started dating that each person should let down their walls and get to know the other person better and from time to time wear their hearts on their sleeves.

WRONG! WRONG! WRONG!

I was talking to my mom once, a while back, and she relayed this story from a coworker of hers. Apparently the coworker's daughter was dating a particular guy who after several months of dating, decided to cheat on the daughter. The daughter took revenge by sleeping w/ her boyfriend's best friend. My mom's coworker and my mom both agreed, "why the hell did you think he was going to stay interested? You sold yourself so cheap! If he wants you so bad, tell him to go buy you a ring and then maybe you'll consider giving a crap."

I thought the story was humorous and left it at that. I also thought my mom and her coworker were a tad harsh given that most people today who enter relationships have sexual relationships. Its pretty much a given after the age of 21, I'd say.

A few weeks ago I was reading a dating advice column where the columnist wondered why it was that her ex-boyfriends came back to her. In telling her story she mentioned that upon first meeting her, men would quickly become infatuted and go to extremes to prove that they are THE man for her. She would be bitchy at first and keep them at bay, but eventually she would acquiesce to the guys advances and almost immediatly the guy would do a complete 180 and walk away. Then sometime in the future when the guy came back she would ask him why he left in the first place, and time and time again the response would be "you were too clingy back then." We're not talking about insane clingy here, from her description, the mere desire to have a committed relationship that could eventually lead to marriage was deemed "too clingy" by the men she dated. ??? Here final advice was that her experience has taught her that a woman should remain aloof and slightly bitchy forever.

THEN today, out of extreme boredom and lack of motivation to do anything productive, I started listening to radio shows broadcast from the internet (how extremely lame, i know, don't rub it in). One of the radio shows featured "Tom McKnight" the infamous creator of "Love tactics," a book of lessons on how to apply psychological principles to make someone fall in love with you.. um yeah.. Most of the stuff he said seemed mostly normal I guess.. to me anyway since I love psychology and manipulation.. go fig. But to get to the point, one of the hosts asked Mr. McKnight, "when can you stop being aloof and when can you finally drop down your walls?" His response was, "when you get married."

WOW! After hearing this advice for the third time, and coming out of yet another short lived relationship, I had to sit up and take notice. Personally, I'm not looking to get married today, or tomorrow, so I don't have the desperation to find Mr. Right, RIGHT NOW! But, it is starting to feel ridiculously silly for me to share my intimate self with someone only to have to renig on everything I did and said once the inevitable breakup occurs. The strangeness of "taking back everything you said" is even more heightened since I LIVE with the person I broke up with. While before we'd share our day, laugh about random things, and do things together.. now we behave as if we're strangers who couldn't give a crap if the other person lived or died (or at least thats how I act and feel). SO UTTERLY RIDICULOUS!

So for me, I think the "be a bitch until you're married" advice should be heeded. Why not just be friends with a guy when I know that the possiblity of a breakup is HIGHLY likely either b/c I'll give it up too fast and he'll lose interest or I'll stop being a bitch and he'll lose interest, or there will be some new skank at his job aaaand.. he'll lose interest.. the list goes on.

I know I've said this before, "BE FRIENDS FIRST." I even followed the advice this time seeing that I was friends with my roommate first. Which is a good thing I guess. But now an addendum to that advice is, hey be a bitch for as long as you can - men love it and you won't feel stupid for telling him that you love him only for him to turn around, kick up his heels, and high tail it out of the relationship so fast you won't even remember what he was wearing the day you said those three little words...

And here is where I try to convince others to heed the same advice - there is this new theory out there that we are all under a new social experiment. While our parents had to get married for financial reasons blah blah blah.. You know what I'm talking about - people have less incentive to get married these days. So you know what I'm starting to think? In order to be a woman who a great guy wants to be with for the rest of his life, you're going to have to work harder than before. And I don't mean working over time to make him like you, bake him cookies, etc. I mean, you're going to have to out bitch the competition. You're going to have to love your life to the fullest and include him in it - platonically. It'll be hard, given all the temptations to sleep w/ him and try to rock his world w/ new tricks from Cosmo! Not to mention women DO have needs.. But hey, that's what the guy you don't like that much is for :-X But for the guy you truly want, remember! Out-bitch the competition.

An Eye for an Eye

So maybe I'm being a little self-absorbed to believe that another person's behavior is based on my actions, but hey, who cares? I'm going to make the assumption anyway. Why? Because the best predictor of future behavior is past behavior. So before I started dating my roommate, he'd get really annoyed if I mentioned other guys, went out bar hopping w/ friend's, etc. It was kind of like a jealousy issue of sorts. A very PREDICTABLE response at that. If I talked about some guy hitting on me, he'd talk about hitting on some girl. If I ignored him or rejected him, he'd go on and on about how hot some girl was. BARF!

Now that we've broken up its more of the same. I disappear for a while? He disappears for a while. I go out with friends? He makes a BIG production about a friend calling and going out. I'm wondering what I have to do to incite him bringing a girl home. I definetly won't bring a guy home so my tactics will have to be sneakier. Why do I want him to bring a girl home? B/c it would just prove my point about how insecure he is in general. While I don't need the validation of bringing someone home to make a point, he does! And that is when I will bow and exit stage left...

Viva Cinco de Mayo!

The world has gone MAD

So I thought I was really sleepy tonight. But after laying in bed for 30 minutes I realized that I was just "pretend" tired.. or something. Anyway I was looking to peek into the drama of other people's lives (yes to make me feel better about mine) and came across this post on Answerology.com. This post struck me as UTTERLY ridiculous. I mean just read it for yourself:
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This is new for me. I've been talking to this girl, she's a friend of a friend. We've met in person a few times and get along great, we really enjoy each others' company. We talk online all the time too, and we're finally going to hang out tomorrow night. The thing is... she's too cool. She's fun, sarcastic, and sweet. She's the kind of girl that I want to be best friends with. I know she's interested in me romantically, she's actually the one who has been eager to hang out alone without our friends. I feel the same way, but part of me feels like our friendship could be better than anything more serious. I'm attracted to her personality, but she's cute as hell too. What will she think if I try to remain friends? I don't even know if I want that or something more serious. I feel like either way I go, I'm going to wish I went the other way. I don't meet a lot of girls like her. I'm not sure what answers I'm looking for here. I'm just venting. Any thoughts will be appreciated. +2 for any.

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Ok so let's get this straight, the guy thinks the girl is SO awesome; SO awesome in fact he doesn't want to date her. The only thing that would save his reasoning is if he KNOWS he's a douche bag in relationships and doesn't want to ruin a girl over it. My guess? He has no clue what the hell is going on and as soon as his "wee-wee" rises he'll think "jigga who?" when she asks him about being "friends." It really goes to show how culture has changed since our parent's were young. The guy lists himself as being between the age of 22-25. Back in the day this is the girl you MARRIED at that age, not stayed FRIENDS with!

Its all topsy turvy my friends!

I'm rich biatch!

http://msn.careerbuilder.com/custom/msn/careeradvice/viewarticle.aspx?articleid=741&SiteId=cbmsnhp4741&sc_extcmp=JS_741_home1

Ok, now raise your hand if you knew astronomers made that much? Anyone? Anyone? Yeah news to me too..

Men are hella annoying

As I'm sitting here attempting to do work in Palo Alto after meeting with my undergrad advisor, my thoughts drift away to other things. This happens frequently given the mundane nature of the work I have recently been assigned. I feel a rumbling in my stomach and it reminds me of last night. I was sitting in my room with my door closed talking to my mother. All of a sudden, my roommate/ex boyfriend, OPENS my door KNOWING that I'm talking to my mother (he was the one who gave me the phone) and tells me I should try these roasted oysters he just bought. I was mostly trying to listen to what my mother was saying and after looking at the can of oysters thought he must be joking and that he was actually attempting to feed me cat food. He kept being pushy so I grabbed the fork and shoved the oyster in my mouth. How ABSOLUTELY DISGUSTING it was. He then trotted off and offered some to the other roommate. Lord knows if she fell for it. After I got off the phone with my mother I had to rinse my mouth out with vodka to ensure the taste would be completely gone from my mouth. I cursed my roommate for giving me such disgusting food and went back to my room. As I had this thought, one of his best friends called, who I now claim as my own bff (Best Friend 4 Life - or just temporarily who knows), and I told him the story and his response is, "Why the hell was he eating oysters?" I had no idea really. After getting off the phone I remembered when the roommate/ex boyfriend was into eating pineapple because he said it makes semen taste less bad (I would say better, but saying "makes semen taste better" doesn't quite jive with me, cuz yeah, gross all around). Then it dawned on me that oysters are considered to be an aphrodisiac! OMG! He bought them to get more horny? For WHOM? Eh, none of my business anymore right? Either way, boys are hella annoying...