Experiments in Life

Hello boys. I've been waiting for you. It seems as if your little club is about to crumble! For a little birdie has told me something about guys that you probably wish I didn't know ;-). Ok enough of the James Bond antics.

Time and time again I've seen girlfriends ask for commitment from a guy and his response is always something of the following: "No."; "Do we have to put a label on it?"; "I'm not ready for commitment."; "I'm not ready for a relationship."... the list goes on. The funny thing about this though is that this not only happens to girls that spring the question after the 2nd date with a self proclaimed "playa", but also happens to girls who ask a guy who isnt dating anyone else, who doesn't want to date anyone else, and who probably thinks the girl is the best thing that ever happened to him. Yet when the question pops up, "What are we?," as if it were an automatic reflex, a guy will thwart a girl's initial attempts to enter a committed relationship. Ridiculous!

I was talking to a guy friend about how guys view commitment. His response to my belief that acting commitmentphobic was a natural reflex for men was, "yeah. I'd be suprised if I saw a guy accept being committed after the first attempt. It's best to break them down over the course of two months." Ha! Wow. Thanks..

As a scientist at heart, my initial reaction is to conduct an experiment about men and commitment. Like any other valid investigation, there has to be a question, a hypothesis, a procedure including controls, and a conclusion validated by statistical analysis. Now I don't know if my experiment would be HIPAA approved since it does run the risk of screwing up boys heads, but their boys right? They'll get over it.

Question: Do most men (> 50%) reject initial suggestions of entering a committed relationship?

Hypothesis: Most men will thwart a woman's initial suggestion to enter a committed relationship (b/c they're retards)

Procedure:


Thwarting a woman's attempt to enter a committed relationship may be dependent on timing of initial request, how much of a catch the man view's the woman to be, and/or a man's preconcieved notions of commitment. Therefore there will be different conditions set up to determine which, if any factor may influence a male's decision to balk at an initial request for commitment.

To control for timing a woman will date a subject (man) for 1 week, in another condition for a month, and a different subject for 3 months before asking for commitment.

To control for how much of a catch the man thinks the woman is, an attractive woman will date three different types of men: a man considered to be "hopeless" (i.e. unattractive with no social skills), average, and an attractive male.

To control for a male's preconcieved notions about commitment, through a questionnare men will be placed in three categories: "Looking for marriage"; "Looking for a companion"; "Looking for a bunch of hos."

Each of these test conditions will be tested against each other and a regression analysis will be performed to find underlying correlations.

This test will have to be conducted on the level of thousands of subjects to yield any significance in statistical testing.

Thanks for listening HIPAA, do you approve?

How will subjects be compensated? Hm at the end of the testing period men will be compensated by free gift certificates to local strip clubs.

I conclude (without real data) that even men considered hopeless, looking for marriage, and dating a woman for 3 months would STILL reject a woman's initial request to be monogamous if she is the first one to bring it up. Why do I believe this? B/c men are hilarious. And that there is a hilarious situation to me. :-)

Clearly there are a lot of holes in the experiment, but hey, its just a draft.

What's love got to do with it Tina?

You ever think how weird it is that people can confess undying love for someone they've only been dating for a few months, yet loving a friend can take years to realize? When you love a friend its usually after you've been through a lot and you realize that this person is going to be on your side through thick and thin. Thats some good stuff. And then some lover-boy/girl strolls along and what? makes googly eyes at you for a few minutes and you're in love. I thought to myself thats weird, do people really love someone when they say "I love you" after a couple of months of dating someone? or do people just say this because it sounds good? b/c society says its a good thing to say when you're in a relationship? b/c they've diluded themselves into believing they love a person they might not even know that well? And then I was reading some article about how to "manipulate" someone into loving you.. which by the way is retarded, but whatever. One of the suggestions was to stare into someone's eyes for a long time. Apparently couples in love look at each other in the eyes longer than usual and this causes some neurotransmitter called PEA to be realeased and this induces feelings of love. I thought the article was retarded BUT it answered my question about love. So maybe people aren't just saying "I love you" b/c it sounds good, or they're supposed to b/c they're dating someone of the opposite sex (or same sex). A lot of it has to do with the chemistry of the brain once you're in a relationship with someone. You're brain make you think you're in love with that person. How weird! And its not like its romantic to be like, "I love you. Well I mean the neurotransmitters in my brain cause me to love you." Ooh sexy. And then I thought, what a strange thing for the brain to do! Like why is this necessary? Aha.. humans couple up in order to raise children. Their must be some reason people want to stay together long enough to make sure their offspring are fully provided for.. hence the need for feelings of euphoria from that drug called L-O-V-E... interesting, vewy intewesting..

I fuckin hate flyin, I fuckin hate the holidays, and don't fuckin look at me!

Plane trips are a funny thing. You sit squished together with all these people you don't know, wearing god awful clothing, and coughing god knows what kind of bacteria on the side of their face because they don't know how to use a goddamn napkin!

Since flying out to Stanford, I can say I haven't been home that much. I dont go home for Thanksgiving; mostly because we don't celebrate it but also b/c there is no way in hell i'm enduring a 6 hour flight only a couple days apart. I do go home for winter break though, mostly b/c its a long break, and also b/c they kick people out of the dorms. I went home over the summer once after freshman year.. after that I decided never to do it again. And thats about it. So i've been back home what 5 times since I've graduated college? As you can see, I'm not the homesick type.

In anycase, this was the first holiday season that I didn't technically have to come home. But its so automatic for me to do so that I felt I should. I mean my mom has long since told me that Santa doesn't exist and if I want that video game (a much younger elsie requested such things) it didnt matter if it was june, it counted as my christmas present. Now my mother refuses to even feign interest in the holidays.. So I guess I come home to make sure my family looks the same, friends are still friends, and to witness the cold assness called Winter in NY. I guess this time I also came home b/c I'm finafreakinly 21 so I can go out in tha citay.

Well all this in mind I booked my trip for a week at home. And as soon as I got on that airplane I wondered.. did i really need to go home? My mom probably still looks the same, my brother.. a little taller maybe.. friends are always friends.. i hate the cold.. and if i wanted to see snow i could have just gone to friggin tahoe.

I HATE flying. I don't hate it b/c I fear my plane is going to crash.. although I do have dreams of that happening, but after the 20th time I figure its just nerves and not a real omen. I hate flying b/c for at least 5 and a half hours i've gotta be sitting next to mr. or mrs. who knows who from who knows where and their fuckin loud ass kids. The chair isnt big enough for me to really relax, I have no leg room, the air is recycled and by the third hour starts to burn my noise along with the smelly ass gas from the passenger in front of me. I friggin hate it! Oh and flying during the holidays! At least during random times there is the chance that you can have a row all to yourself. But during the holidays flights are always packed. And this time lucky me I got to sit next to some old asian guy with HORRIFIC breath who couldnt speak English, so when I was pulling stuff out of the overhead to get to my laptop case he had the NERVES to hit my shoulder when one of the items were his. Dont touch me mo fo! You don't knooooow me! Sigh..
Not to mention this time I dressed extra bummy as I'm sick of the gawking and they "yo, shorty" 's i'm sure to get once I get to new york, or any city outside of san fran for that matter. Yet still nasty old men used their eyes to pierce through my "STANFORD" sweatshirt and imagine what my boobies look like. "They're a size 34C ho bag! If you don't have a new vicky c's bra in your luggage for me, keep walking!"

But then I get home and its warm! There is food everywhere! (mostly take out) Beverages galore! And for once, my family ISNT fighting. Oh I'm in heaven! My mom cracks me up about how my brother told her she's too old to be listening to lindsay lohan and Bow wow. My brother cracks me up by pronouncing General Tso's chicken weird. Ahh how I missed these moments. I'm home. Warm house, warm bed, warm food, and warm family love.

Now all I have to do is drop it like its hot in one club or another in NYC and I'm set for another year.

What I can't do myself, my body does for me

I used to complain about always dating emotionally unavailable guys until lo and behold I found that I too am emotionally unavailable. Not that this was entirely and epiphany since I have been called a selfish bitch with no heart before, but all the same when you realize you're the cat calling the kettle black, its kind of awkward.

In any case, my lack of ability to fully or even kind of express my emotions to other people can get in the way of many things. Family bonding, friendships, relationships, etc. Well sometimes when I can't come out and say things, my body will do the talking for me. Sometimes it involves a "breakdown/meltdown" where I spontaneously bust into tears at the smallest provocation. Sometimes, as it did the other night it involves my body completely shutting down and not wanting anyone to come near me.

As strange as this may seem to some, my freak out sessions are quite effective. For instance, I once worked 5 jobs at one time.. or was at least on 5 different payrolls, when finally I just could not deal anymore. A sane person would put in two weeks notice and call it a day. But for some reason I couldn't even accomplish that much. Quite frankly now that I think of it my inability to face management and put in two weeks notice probably has to do with being the oldest child, never wanting to dissapoint an authority figure.. geezus, I took too many psych classes. Anywho, so yeah instead of quitting I just let it get to the point where my body took over and shut my brain down. When a manager asked me a simple question I bust into tears and was allowed to go home. I never went back to that job.. good times.

Well the same thing happened, kind of, after a date. I've been dating a guy for two months and finally decided to stop being callus and actually accept the fact that I liked him; and all of a sudden shit hit the fan. After a few beers I decided I didn't want him to touch me at all. And when asked to reveal what was on my mind I sat in silence. I finally said what was on my mind, head buried underneath a pillow.. but at least said it... I said what needed to be said, something that preteen girls say to their boyfriends after dating for 2 minutes... I couldn't do it with a straight face after 2 months.. good times.

So in the end I've decided that I need to work on my emotional unavailability. No one wants to be friends with an emotional recluse.. or date one for very long. I don't really know how to go about doing this though.. I mean I guess I can hang out with a bunch of people who wear their hearts on their sleeves.. but I wouldn't even know where to find them.. Or I could read self-help books.. lord knows how I feel about those things.. hm, maybe I'll just practice by saying whats on my mind more often even when it feels like I'd have to drink until I was in a comma to somewhat mention it.

"Oh thats a nice coat." "Oh you are so funny." "Wow. You did that? That's awesome. I've always wanted to cook rice well." "Hi mom, I love you." .. hm ok maybe not so fast.

Baby steps..

My blogs are too damn LONG!

Late night, bored, yet not sleepy. I decide to read through my blog; which is interesting since I don't even like reading through my diary since there is always that moment where I cringe and think "HOW STUPID!"

Anyway, I couldnt even read through most of the stuff b/c its so DAMN LONG! I babble like NO other! Someone stop me! It's a tad ridiculous.

OK lets try this again :)

Ok so my last blog entry was a tad much. I thought about everything and decided to speak with another wise friend who's advice was pretty much: "Give guys a chance or resign to a life of living with your dog (until he dies at which point you can buy another dog.) " Ok, ok, ok. So yes the old me would move on, call it quits, and be somewhat content for coming out unscathed but always wondering otherwise. So I guess I'm going to have to experience the world of relationships at some point; the ups the downs, the right, the wrong.. Deep breath.. and exhale.. Giving guys a chance..

This is not to say that this is the first time I've gotten this advice. But you know that counseling theory that people need to hear things enough times before it sets in? So if a person needs to hear something 100 times before they realize their problem, even if you're the 67th person to tell them, you should since you bring them one step closer to understanding their problems? Well thank's Mod :) You might have been the 100th. You may have saved me from spinsterhood. I love my dog and all but I just don't think he'll substitute for my 2.5 kids, million dollar home, and vacations to Venice ;-)

And a special shout out to all 99 people who came before. Or maybe 10 people who told me 99 times :)

When you're just not that special*

*This is not to discount the blog post "Why we should ALL stop feeling lame about ourselves!"

Hmm.. So I was talking to a good friend about my current dating situation. And honestly it made me kind of sad, and extremely cynical..again. But in the end I think I have a lot of things figured out.

Maybe my idea of dating is idealistic and naive. But to me, people can date all they want. Go out with one person this night, another person the following day, week, whatever! Dating and relationships are very different for me though. For a long time I thought relationships were dumb. In junior high you swear you meet the love of your life and that you're going to be together forever and then what happens? You break up. In high school you have a boyfriend, or two. And you think you'll be together forever, and what happens? You break up. In college you have a boyfriend or more, and WHAT happens folks??? You BREAK UP!

Now why people like putting themselves through an emotional roller coaster that has more tragic consequences than just vomitting on the ride, I never really understood. I mean not to say I never wanted a relationship.. but I've always had my apprehensions. Next best thing? Date someone who is emotionally unavailable and doesnt want to settle down.. great... well, better than the consequence of having a broken heart I guess.

Anyway, so now there is the guy I'm dating. Who on the second date says something like "I'm torn. I broke up with my girlfriend and since then i've just been casual. But I kind of miss this. Being able to gel with someone and just be comfortable."
Eh, I brushed the comment off. Whatever dude, I ain't giving you the nooky.

I tell my wise friend about this and she spots this type of guy from miles away. "He's a guy in love with love." Besides the fact that he's probably not over his ex, one starts to wonder, were his past girlfriend's people he thought were special? or just a girl to be with and love, b/c he wanted to love, for love's sake? Then I remember the comment he made about how people really just want to be with people they can be comfortable with, and it helps if they're pretty. Ahh, so there isnt much discrimination here is there?

Maybe for some the idea of jumping from relationship to relationship is fine, perfectly human. But it bugs the SHIT out of me. I'd like to believe that people start relationships because they notice something special in a person they've never seen in anyone else.. I'd like to. Or at least, I'd like to believe that that je ne sais quoi that I posses is the reason a guy likes me, loves me, wants to be with me. Not just because he thinks I'm hot, or a "cool chick." I don't think this is impossible to find. And maybe sometimes you have to be friend's with someone before you realize what makes them special, while other times you see it immediatly.

Either way, my ego alone doesn't allow me to date someone "in love with love" and not "in love with me." Well maybe I won't say au revoir just yet.. b/c maybe this is the taking time type. But at this point I'd rather be friends :-/ It's funny, I've been criticized for running through guys too fast, which made me want to slow down. But even when I try, I can't. Turns out I'm really picky. And it also reminds me of this comedy skit done by a 30 year old woman making fun of dating when she was in her 20's. She talked about how she threw guys away like toilet tissue - this one's too short, this one's too nice, etc. And by 30 you're just trying to find a tissue you haven't used up yet. I keep that in mind a lot so that I'm not the 30 year old looking through the trash. But I won't compromise my pickiness! until i'm 30 :-/

~~~

Why very attractive women are often very annoyed

OMG! I Heart Dr. John Gray!

Ok so I know a few posts back I said that reading advice books were bad and often made things worse, but there is ONE book that isn't like this at all. It's probably b/c the author has a PhD and isnt just some babbling idiot who may or may not even have an associates degree in ceramic healing or some such ish. ANYWAY.

"Mars and Venus on a Date" or something like that is SUCH an enlightening book on the differences between men and women and how these differences are misinterpreted and how it can lead to many disastrous ends. According to Dr. Gray (Whom I love :) ) there are 5 stages of dating: Attraction, Uncertainty, Exclusivity, Intimacy, Marriage. When a relationship moves through these five stages in the correct order, things end up well. When people try to skip steps is when shit ends up hitting the fan.

Attraction: You meet someone and think they're hot. The goal of this stage is to interact with a person enough so they can have the chance to be fully attracted and get to know you better.

Uncertainty: So you spent some time with this person (a couple days, couple months, etc) and all of a sudden you start wondering, is this the right person for me? Oh no! This isn't going to work! Maybe it will! Oooh lord! This uncertainty is perfectly normal, especially in the face of finding someone that can make you really happy. The problem with this stage is some people don't understand it and assume it means that the person isn't right for them.

Exclusivity: So you get through the first few stages and finally figure out that you want to explore a relationship together, without any side relationships.

Intimacy: This is when you can let it all hang out and really get to know everything about the other person- good and bad.

Marriage: I didn't read this ish.. I figured I wouldn't need it for a while :)

So anyway trouble happens when people try to skip shit or the two people in the relationship are at different levels. Like if a woman meets a man and he's in attraction and she's in Marriage, shit aint gonna work. If you're really in the uncertainty phase and you both jump to intimacy, shit aint gonna work. etc. etc.

So the picture should look something like this: A guy thinks you're hot stuff and asks you out, you feel flattered and accept. You start dating and then one or both of you start becoming uncertain. When guys feel uncertain they "pull away." This includes not calling you much, not calling you at all, etc. And then, we all know that "distance makes the heart grow fonder." So if he likes you enough he'll bounce back. This may be in a couple days, a week, a month. Apparently guys can forget about a girl and then it dawns on them one day, hey I really liked such and such, or I miss such and such.. and then they call back. If this is a month or so later, a woman usually wants to be all bitter. But this is no good, b/c then the guy's like geez, guess she hates me, I should stop pursuing. But say he does bounce back in reasonable time or whatever, and you're not bitter, then you can keep going etc. The important part of a guy pulling away is to not start nagging him about where the relationship is going and what not. It's not a good thing to ask when everyone's uncertain. When the uncertainty period is over you can go on to being exclusive.. Then the rest is history.. kind of.

Why I Heart Dr. Gray is b/c he helped explain something that had been plauging me through all of college. I dated guys who were kind of shitty for one reason or the other.. maybe if i expanded my playing field beyond athletes and frat boys things could have been better, but then again, I didnt want to. But I would still wonder why guys would come on so strong at first to the point where they make you think you're the love of their lives and then just go cold. According to Dr. Gray, a man is first motivated by attraction. Attraction will make him do anything to get closer to a girl, touch her more, smell her more etc.. He might think to himself, wow this is the most beautiful girl. She is perfect! I want her and only her! He might find another girl that does the same thing to him the day after meeting you! The real test is if he gets to know you and still likes you. Some guys dont even want to put in that much effort. So the initial attraction is gone and they're out of the picture. Thats just how guys are wired. As Dr. Gray explains, this is why there are so many attractive women in relationships where they're husband isn't attracted to them anymore and why there are so many attractive single women who think guys suck. It's because women take the initial attraction to mean that that man wants something more with them, like a long lasting relationship, when actually he just wants to be near a hot woman. Often times a women will let the relationship focus purely on the physical and not develop any other emotional, intellectual connections. So when the attraction wears off.. shit sucks.

So the best thing is to get to know the guy in the attraction stage instead of moving straight to intimacy. Another important point is that women often date the wrong men for them. Especially if a man is motivated by attraction to a hot woman and then things go cold, most men that approach her, who she also finds instantly attractive are probably going to be bad. Dr. Gray's advice is as follows: If you walk into a room of 30 men and there is one that turns you one immediatly STAY CLEAR!! It's not that a man you find instantly sexually attractive isn't going to be the guy for you, its just that he will most likely not be; mostly b/c you wont develop the deeper connection you need to be in any sort of meaningful relationship :) So maybe you should give that guy a chance that you can get to know and maybe down the line he'll be the one to light your fire. This is not to say that you should date that ugly dork that keeps pestering you, but maybe try dating someone who isnt necessarily your "type."

Funny how now it all makes sense to me. The guy I'm currently dating was certainly not my type at first. Not an athlete, wasnt in a frat, didn't go to Stanford or a top school, etc.. The best part of dating him though is that I don't feel I have to impress him or prove anything to him. This is exactly the attitude a woman is supposed to have. It's his job to do all the impressing and all the winning over. It's not a woman's job to make him like/love her. A woman's job is just to "recieve." It's awesome! I think everyone should try to date someone who isn't their type. It's such a freeing experience.

So in the end, all those gender roles that we're trying to bunk b/c women are more powerful now, yeah they're useful and are there for a reason. An overly aggressive woman probably has men running away from her after a while. Some things are hardwired. Reading the book made me feel so free and relaxed. As a woman all I gotta do is look pretty and chuckle at a good joke and just recieve. A guys job is to give me what I Waaant. Awesome!

Don't get me wrong, women are more powerful and yada yada.. But if you keep insisting on taking on the role of a man, you might be left to do everything yourself.. not so much fun eh?