The bigger person

My mom, rightfully so, is trying to make me a better person. Responses to my old roommate's email, like the one below in her mind is a big no-no. I sent the email without talking to her about it so she could filter out all the bad stuff and then my old roommate threatened to sue me. So I thought, maybe I should consult my mother to help keep me from smacking-a-bitch.

My whole debate with my mother centered on my idea that some people need to be told that they're being ridiculous and her idea that I have no right to tell anyone anything. "Are you her mother?," my mom would ask.

And here's the thing. I know the whole "who are you?" argument. One person, supposedly, is no better than another. Therefore, what right do I have to tell someone "like it is."

I get that part to a large extent. And as a matter of fact I felt like sending my old roommate the email I did the day before after having her ignore my request to help find someone. But then I realized, that such an email would solve nothing. So I didn't send it, only to have my inbox littered with her nonsense for the umpteenth time. The funny thing is all of her complaints were addressed in an earlier email that she neglected to read.

Sigh...

I guess in all of this I can only blame myself. Before I moved in all of my friends heard that I was moving in with her and said "You're moving in with WHO?" Point 2 - The reason she had to move was b/c her landlord was being "crazy" and wanted her out. I'M the biggest idiot in the world to not have taken that as a warning that no, the landlord isn't crazy, but the roommate is. Point 3 - If it took her 6 years to graduate from undergrad, she clearly isn't going to be on top of things... like finding an apartment. There were signs from the beginning that made me weary (e.g. when she didnt show up for an appointment I set up) but I kept thinking for the best.. silly, silly, me. Also, if she wasn't motivated to graduate, what motivation would she have to find a roommate?

I think a new motto should be started - Friends don't let friends live with potential crazy biatches.

Thanks to those who warned me :-/ I guess I had it coming.

For your reading pleasure...

Ex-Roommate:

Email #20

Bang,

Part of fulfilling your obligation in the situation you have created is to keep me informed. It has been exceedingly difficult throughout this process to find out anything from you. It also leaves a very negative impression that when I send you messages about bills or rent that I get no response whatsoever.I noticed that the lease application was no longer on the kitchen counter. Does this mean you showed the apartment to someone on Tuesday? Are they planning on moving in? Also, where is the key to the mailbox? I don't see it anywhere and I do not want to have to deal with late fees simply because I couldn't get to the bills. Please take the 2 minutes necessary to respond to this e-mail.

Bang:

Dear Ex-Roommate,

I think that you are mistaken on your idea of "the situation I created." I am not leaving out of any convenience to myself, but out of GREAT inconvenience. The reason for my moving is because even after discussing the issue of your boyfriend being at the apartment entirely too much given the living situation - i.e. a living arrangement primarily for 2 people as was designated by the lease - on multiple occasions, you could not comply to being reasonable about how often he was at the apartment. Furthermore, if you are so concerned about the rules of the lease, you should know that you have violated the guest policy on multiple occassions, specifically July, 2006 and September 2006. Since having guests longer than the 15 day total amount allowed for a month is in breach of the lease, my moving is as a result of direct breach of the lease, which I could have brought to the attention of management, but why would I do that to a "friend"? Nope, instead I tried to part amicably. If we can't agree, then we agree to disagree. I have MEDICAL SCHOOL to take care of right now S. I dont know if you understand this or not but I've worked my ASS off to get here. And if my living situation is not conducive to me succeeding then I must change that. And like I said before, I could have brought it up to management, but then you'd be screwed too if they decided to do something about that. So I wanted to compromise and just move out and let someone else deal with living with you - or even better, they wouldn't have a problem with your boyfriend being over all the time. Moreover, I have written managment about leaving the lease and having someone take my spot. So please understand who is doing who the favor here.

With that said, when I initially informed you that I was moving out, I had not yet thought or planned of how to handle the whole moving out process. You continually badgered me to give you information that I did not have. Understand S, that I have not been difficult. Your idea of difficulty is shaded by the fact that you didn't get information (which i did not have) immediatly after requesting it. Did I not send you an email giving you 30 days notice? I did, just not when you asked for it. I also sent you an email on October 22nd A.) Asking you about what you meant about owing you utilities for last month (which I take to mean September) since on September 29th you sent me an email telling me how much utilities were and I wrote you a check for $818.28. If I am confused about the billing dates fine, you can let me know, but I DID get back to you on the matter. B.) I asked you to help me in my search for a roommate since I was not so sure about the results I was getting on craigslist. I did not get a reply from you. Again, you breached the terms of the lease and that is why I am choosing to leave. I honestly shouldn't have had to bear the brunt of the responsibility of finding a roommate, but I felt bad for leaving. I emailed you about setting up a time to talk about what you wanted in a roommate, after my finals were over, again you didnt reply to this. So again, you left finding a new roommate up to me. When I was going to show the apartment, I asked you if you were going to be around. The person that came the day you could not be there eventually wanted to apply, so I gave her the app. With craigslist, interest never definitevely predicts action. So seeing that this whole roommate search is taking up WAY too much of my time and I'm not receiving any help from you, I don't feel it necessary to waste time explaining things that may or may not pan out.

Furthermore, I feel that I have been extremely accomodating in this situation - A.) inconveniencing myself by moving out despite the fact that the cause is directly from your actions and B.) Taking the brunt of the responsibility for finding a roommate despite asking you for what you wanted and then receiving no help after asking for it. And all I get in response is you badgering me to do this or that. So S, I'm done being "nice" or accomodating. I tried to be a friend first, but clearly that isn't worth anything. As I said before I sent in my 30 days notice to management which ends on November 16th. I will give you rent up until this date. If the potential roommate chooses to take the room, you will get the whole month.

I have expended way too much energy on all of this and as a result my studies have suffered. I will not dedicate so much time from here on out.

I will be out of town this weekend so I will drop the check off sometime today.


Ex-Roommate:

All of your feelings of my breach of the lease aside, you still are the holder of the lease. If you do not provide a full payment of November's rent by Monday I will file paper with Small Claims Court on Monday requesting payment of the remainder of the lease, which continues to the beginning of June. Once a summons is sent to you, you will be required to attend. In the summons I will also be requesting payment for all time lost from work in order to resolve the matter. Furthermore, I invite you to attempt to argue your point that he was over more than 15 days and that this allows you to break your lease agreement. You are wrong in your assumption that he was over that frequently, as I have created a calendar documenting his location on each day during the months in question and can verify that he was not over that frequently. Sincerely,

Why? I don't know

I don't know why med school is forcing me to undergo a constant autopsy of my emotions these days, but it is. I was talking to a friend about much of nothing today when he asked how my day went. I had nothing much to say so I asked him a random question - Do you think guys and girls face different consequences of mean or antisocial behavior? He said yes, and asked what prompted the question. I told him the story of how today, one of my few friends at school, though he is just as antisocial as me, or maybe even more so since he chooses not to come to class b/c of how annoying he finds the class as a whole to be (and b/c its easier to just watch the lectures online), anyway, yesterday was his birthday. When someone asked why he didn't tell anyone he simply answered, "I don't care" and walked away. And all of a sudden, today a group of people bought him a cake, sang for him, talked about how much they loved him.. and I was just simply confused. How is it that both of us can exhibit the same behavior, yet he gets a cake!

My friend brought up a good point. "Is he single?" my friend asked. I responded, "Yeah, but he's gay." "Even better," my friend said. Now I was puzzled. My friend continued to say, "Bang, even though your hot (whatever), in their eyes you're an angry, black female who is antisocial and mean. Your friend on the other hand is just simply viewed as an attractive, non-threatening, male."

Interesting.. Can't say this is the first time I've gotten the "mean black girl thing." A few people told me that no one in my sophomore dorm attempted to be friends with me because A.) They thought I only talked to black people (don't know where in the hell this assumption came from since the majority of the people in the sorority I was apart of were not black) and B.) They thought I was a bitch and that I would be mean to them.

At the time, although I was taken aback by those assumptions - I was pretty nice back then - I didn't see the point in changing anything. I'm most comfortable being ME; the me that doesn't fake it, but if you need help I'll try my best.

But I'm starting to think I do need to soften the blow these days. While I still don't believe in pretending to like anyone if I don't, it might be a good thing to stop making comments about people, whether out-loud (accidently) or privately with friends. Because people talk. And I'm sure someone has told someone else, that I said something, about whomever.

None of my attempts to change will be in hopes of getting a cake on my birthday though. A.) I refused to send an email to the "birthday master" as to when it is and B.) I'm planning on being absent. Its my birthday. I don't want to have to endure irritations of biblical porportions like I do everyday on my birthday.

Now I just have to plan what to do that weekend... a trip out of state sounds nice :)

Becoming a social recluse

I'm starting to remind myself of an old me; the me from high school. I'm quite shocked actually. I was a raving bitch in high school because I hated everything and everyone and couldn't wait to get the hell up out of there. I also thought that I was so annoyed b/c I was so much more "mature" than everyone else and that once I entered the non-high school world, things would be a whole lot better. Things were better for a while; while I was in college that is. And now that I'm in grad school, its starting to feel a whole heck of a lot like high school again. I was warned a couple of times that med school would feel like high school. But thats not the type of news that would deter a person. But these days I start feeling an overwhelming urge to tell people to "shut the hell up" no matter if they're talking about something amongst themselves that I feel is completely trite and is causing "noise pollution" or if they're talking directly to me. Though I don't frequently talk to people that I do want to tell to "shut the hell up." I mostly only talk to people I made friends with this summer, and that has suited me just fine. It would be even better if I could "close my ears" the same way I could close my eyes, though.

After a particularlly annoying episode today I wondered, WHY am I SOO annoyed? Today one of the class representatives took time from the beginning of class to give a "reminder" for the 10th damn time in 2 weeks about an event coming up. His jokes were a parody of Letterman's "Top Ten List." Not only did I find none of the jokes funny, not even remotely so, around #5 he used the opportunity to publicly ask out someone he had asked out already. While the class "awwed" and "cooed" and laughed, I was getting more annoyed by the minute. First of all you're preaching to the choir, we're first years, you don't need to beg us 20 times to go to the event. Secondly, stop wasting my time with crappy jokes and using class time to re-ask a girl out. Yup, sir. We got it the first time. All of it.

But then I started to think, why am I the only one not laughing? Why am I the only one annoyed? I think a friend hit the nail on the head when she made the comment, "You're like a senior amongst a sea of freshman." So true! These people remind me of freshman and are every damn bit as annoying as freshman. Everything is new and exciting to them and its all about forming tight bonds w/ the new classmates you've just met. For me, I went to this school as an undergrad, and thanks but no thanks I've already got awesome friends. I don't need any strange, and not funny acquaintances.

My goal now is to be truly apathetic about people; to have the kind of apathy where I'm not annoyed or disgusted, I just stop paying attention. My ipod may help me in this endeavor :) And maybe, just maybe, these freshman will calm the hell down eventually and I can interact w/ them in a civil way - you know, without wanting to tell them to shut the hell up.

I know now though that I will have to do my residency at a different institution. Maybe I'll be the "freshman" and will think other people are cool, b/c I'm trying to make new friends, and people are 100 times more cool when you're in a new environment and don't want to be lonely.

But for now I'll keep reminding myself "you're not the crazy one" and hope for the best :-/

It's not about me

As I was sitting in an afternoon lecture hall one day, one of my professors came in to apologize for something he had done earlier in the day. It was 3 minutes before the class would start, yet there were only 5 of us sitting around. The professor asked us if we had gone to see the presentation of the Nobel prize to one of the medical school's faculty. I had quickly shouted out that I was disappointed that I missed it and that I hoped another faculty received one so I could go. The professor then said, "It's not about you." I laughed at the time and tried to explain myself, "No, no, I would like another faculty member to win one, first and foremost. And it would be nice to go to that one, since I had to miss this one because of a class."

Those words played over and over again in my head for some reason. "It's not about you." As I've grown older I have tried to constantly be aware of my thoughts, my actions, and what my motivations are. Personally, for a long while I was proud of myself for being less of a selfish person than I used to be. But the funny thing is, it only takes a comment or two from someone else to become fully aware of where you really are in your self development.

Its the small things that I started to examine that made me realized, I still have a long way to go in decreasing my selfish thoughts, attitudes, and actions. One such issue is the issue of my bf wanting to join the marines. He mentioned the idea to me about a month after we got back together and it made me really upset. I first thought - why the hell would someone give up a comfortable life to go pursue some battle being led by an idiot president? I then thought that maybe it was an issue of how much he valued me. If he truly thought I was awesome, then why would he go and do that?

So for a while I would make snipping comments about his idea of joining the marines. I would send articles about people dying in Iraq, etc. Then one day I thought, if I'm going to argue a point, I should know what I'm arguing against. I looked up the officer program that my bf wants to join. It was then that I realized why he might want to join - officer training is a distinct program of the marines; they train you but you don't have to accept a commission. The marines only want officers who want to be there. Fair enough - he could go, decide he hates it and then come back. At least those were my thoughts on why he might want to go.

But I still wasn't getting it. After having a long conversation w/ him about why he would want to do such a thing, I realized that the motivating factor wasn't the fact that he could choose to leave if he didn't want to do it. It meant a lot more to him. My bf doesn't pretend he lead a hard life, nor does he think the world owes him anything. Instead, he's so grateful of the ease and comfort of his life, that he almost feels guilty. It took me a while to understand this concept since I lead a completely different life than he did as a kid. But for him, joining the marines serves three purposes - 1.) to give him more direction in his life since he will have to experience hardship he would never experience on his own 2.) to try to give back to a country that gave him so much and 3.) if he wants to hold some kind of office one day, having spent some time in the military is the equivalent of having "street cred."

While I still believe that the things he wants to accomplish in his lifetime do not have to be filtered through joining the marines, as I watched him talk about his reasoning, my professors words rung loud and clear. Bang, its not about you. I realized that the status of our relationship has nothing to do w/ his motivation to join the military. I mean, if someone is going to give up almost 3 decades of living a pretty cushy life, an awesome girlfriend of 6 months isn't going to be all that persuasive anyway.

I still think he's crazy, but now I have no desire to persuade him not to join, b/c its not about me. If he does join, we'll probably still break up, b/c lord knows I was not meant to be the wife of a military man. But in the meantime I can be at peace w/ whatever he decides to do. Plus he doesn't have to wake up to annoying emails from me about the latest awful thing the President did that adversely affect people in the military.

By the way, another faculty member DID win the nobel prize in the same week and I WAS able to go. It was awe-inspiring. Simply...amazing.

Apparently You've Gotta Threaten People

I found it funny today, as I was walking up to my apartment after taking Max for a walk, my roommate's boyfriend pulled into the back parking lot of our apartment but didn't park. To my astonishment he just sat in the car and as I was walking into the apartment I noticed my roommate getting ready to leave. My guess is that he was just coming to pick her up.

Flashback to a few weeks ago I was studying for an important exam which was going to be given the following day. My roommate knew this since she asked, and despite this her and her boyfriend come in making noise like they own the place. It was quite obnoxious seeing that even though there were two doors closed between us I could still hear them. I thought "fuck this" and drove to the campus library to study. On my way my roommate sent me a text message apologizing for being loud and saying that I should have "just told her" since she doesn't want to add to my stress. How laughable! If you dont want to add to my stress how about you do what you said you were going to do - A.) Be reasonable as to how much time your boyfriend spends at the apartment. I.e. he shouldnt be sleeping here every night. B.) If you ask me when I have a test so you can make yourself "scarce" don't turn around and be obnoxious when I need peace and quiet as much as Michael Jackson needs pigment.. and sanity.

So after being frustrated about my roommate's lack of respect for my space and privacy for the third time, I emailed her after my test and told her I was moving out. She tried to use retarded tactics to attempt to make me "seriously think about" whether or not I wanted to deal with the consequences of moving out.. My response? "Bitch please."

Since telling my roommate that I want to move out she has made herself ridiculously scarce. I dont think I've even seen here boyfriend inside the apartment since that time. Why did it have to come to this? Furthermore, why doesn't she just get it. What is so hard to understand about "I feel like there are 3 people living here, not 2. Please coordinate with your boyfriend on how you can ensure that he will not be here the majority of the week and that you guys could maybe not be so obnoxious?" Instead everytime we've had this conversation she chooses to disappear completely. Which means she doesnt get it. And if someone doesn't get it three times, its time to move on b/c they never will... or maybe they will but by the third time I'm done trying.

And now that my roommate desides to disappear its a matter of too little too late. Hopefully in a month or so I can find something more conducive to my needs for privacy and sanity... hopefully

:)