Caving like the prom queen on prom night

Ok so hiatus shmatus..

Anyway today I was thinking about crushes; not just any crush folks, but crushes on friends! I haven't had a crush since high school. Wait thats a lie. I had one in college, we ended up dating, and he became a total whacko or was always a whacko.. details, details. So the lesson to be learned here I think is that crushes on friends may be best kept to yourself.. and maybe close friends, but not the loud mouthed mutual friend.. or maybe the loud mouth mutual friend b/c then they'd actually be revealing the crush, not you... But I digress..

By the end of my senior year of college, I seriously cannot count on one hand (and dont even remember) how many times some guy revealed their feelings in some strange way - Guy: I always thought you were hot. Me: Um thanks, I'm still not hooking up with you. Guy: I always thought you were a really cool person *wink* Me: Again, that doesn't give you a round trip ticket into my pants.

I mean there is too much at stake once you realize you have a crush on a friend. You start analyzing their every move. You see things in a different light. You might think they're in love with you because they asked you to go to a concert, when in reality you guys were friends in the first place, so what else do friends do but drag each other along to events! You start getting nervous around them, you're jittery, sweaty, just overall not very sauve. This is if you are trying to keep your cool and not reveal your feelings. If you're the go-getter type, even worse, you might come off as over zealous and freak the person the hell out. For all they know, since this heart wrenching battle has been fought within the confines of yourself, you guys are just buddies, chums, compadres.

So say you can't take it and you HAVE to reveal your feelings. I'm going to venture a guess and say 90% of the time, you will effectively ruin a friendship. Why? Well A.) If the person does not feel the same way, then great, now you've put all this pressure on them, and they feel bad, and you feel awkward and now you can't even look them in the face without feeling weird about it. B.) Say the person actually does have similar feelings. You start dating them. The problem here is that you've probably crushed on them so long that you've idealized them in a way. Once you start dating, there comes the epic battle between the person you put on a pedestal and the person who takes a crap in the bathroom every morning. And now you discover, you might not actually like the person as much as you once thought. This just leads to further awkardness b/c you start wanting to end the relationship. And once you've taken a relationship to that special place of romance, the odds of you retracing your steps back to a platonic relationship are almost nil.

So in the end, keep crushes to yourself. As a matter of fact DIE with them! Well no. I think the real lesson is to take one of two actions. 1.) Once you realize you really like someone, start plotting on how you will trap them in your delicate web. Seriously, better to let a crush know earlier than later. It'll hurt less the less time you wait. Taking years to reveal a crush only to be rejected is going to hurt a lot worse than if you took a couple weeks, or maybe even a few months. 2.) Say you get to that point where you've been crushing on someone for like.. ever.. dont throw it all on them at once. Maybe you should take a lesson from one of my suitors and give the "I always thought you were a really cool person *wink* *wink* wink wink wink wink wink" so the person at least gets that you might/probably like them, but doesn't feel pressured to have to give you an answer in any way, especially if the answer is no.

I mean maybe I've missed out on a few opportunities by keeping my crushes to myself. But from what I've experienced, sometimes its just better to have a solid friendship than anything else...

A New POA

Well since I haven't written in a while, I'm not expecting anyone to really read this. So I guess I'm leaving this post for myself. As a reference for when I start to stray off the yellow brick road.

So I originally posted a POA that had more to do with having fun and dating. Well that was inactivated after realizing that its time to get my ish together and focus on achieving important goals.. i.e becoming the United States Surgeon General (ha!.. i can dream can't I?)

So anyway, in my new plan of action its all about prioritizing to make it to med school!

New POA:

1.) Study for the MCAT EVERYDAY. Whether its for 4 hours or 30 minutes reviewing flash cards, I need to stay on the ball.

2.) Build confidence that I don't suck at standardized tests. Success is all about your confidence in achieving your goal. Yes I sucked when it came to the SATs but when I think of it, for not taking any prep courses and working on my own, I didnt do that badly.. I mean I could have done worse. But now I have the opportunity to take a class and do well. I can do iiiit!

3.) Go out no more than once a week. In the rare occassion that I already went out and there is this really hot event I really need to go to, then I might make a concession on this one. Otherwise I'll just go out once a week to let loose, give my brain a rest, and have some fun on the way to my goal. It will also keep me from back sliding into frumpzilla ville.. a place you can too easily become aquainted with if you're not careful.

4.) Watch Cheaters every sunday night at 11pm on UPN. This show will further reinforce the idea to me that most men my age, not all, but most are a waste of time. The ones that are fun and exciting have very little intention of being serious about anything. And the ones that do want to settle down.. well a lot of them are so boring, I'd rather slit my wrists than spend time with them. SO since I can do a phenomenol job at controlling my urges, guys are way down on the list of current interests. I'm just going to end up marrying a hot doctor anyway so everything in the mean time is just a fun distraction. Once the entertainment factor stops and it just starts to drain my time, then peace out.

5.) Talk to my mother at least once a week. Her stories are inspiring. Her advice is excellent. And even though she's crazy, its a constructive craziness. I love it :)

6.) Talk to my brother at least once every two weeks. It'll give me the false impression that I'm being a "mentor." I might just be able to include it on my resume of activities :)

7.) Remember all the people who told me they always "knew" I was going to amount to something big. When I feel like giving up, I'll always think "boy would it be a shame to disappoint them."

8.) Watch less TV. In an ideal world, the only shows I would watch are Cheaters and America's Next Top Model.. Oh and maybe Boston Legal. But after taking 6 months off from school and looking back to what I spent the time doing, I think television has helped put my brain in a state of perpetual retardedness. The madness must end.

9.) Listen to NPR. As a continuation of #8 I need to keep myself thinking - thinking about more than the last person Paris Hilton slept with. I mean who can keep track of such a stat anyway. Plus, NPR is also supposed to help you formulate ideas for the writing section of the MCAT.

10.) And finally...Dream big, work hard!

Hiatus

To the thousands of you who read this blog (ha!) I hate to disappoint, but its time I turn my attention to more pressing matters in my life and flex my delayed gratification muscles. I almost forgot I had them.

But in any case, MCAT classes are around the corner, I have huge projects in progress and coming up for work, and lets not forget I'm trying to teach Max not to be a prick. All this amounts to an attempt to be a little less reckless with my time. So to save you time, I might update with monthly posts, but nothing very consistent.

Always remember: Good things come to those who wait... but who said you can't have some fun in the meantime eh?

With that I'll leave you with the lyrics of my favorite song from my new favorite band:

It’s not enough to hear me say you’ve won,
You only wanted me for having fun,
But now I think you’ve gone and had your way,
And left me with a pile of bills to pay,
I can’t even rewind the tape machine,
To listen to your drunken reasoning.
So here it is, your final lullaby:

So,Good night, good night,
You’re embarrassing me,
You’re embarrassing you.
So, good night, good night,
Walk away from the door,
Walk away from my life.
So good night.

I’ve given up on social niceties,
I threw ‘em out when I threw out your keys,
Along with all your records I can’t stand.
You never even listened to any one of them.
You’re never going to drag me out again
With all the people that were never ever even your friends.
So here it is, your final lullaby:

So,Good night, good night,
You’re embarrassing me,
You’re embarrassing you.
So, good night, good night,
Walk away from the door,
Walk away from my life.

A little bit of rain I’d say is fair,
But when it starts to thunder they all stare
This isn't goodnight, this is goodbye

*guitar soli*

So,Good night, good night,
You’re embarrassing me,
You’re embarrassing you.
So, good night, good night,
Walk away from the door,
Walk away from my life.

So,Good night, good night,
You’re embarrassing me,
You’re embarrassing you.
So, good night, good night,
Walk away from the door,
Walk away from my life.
So good night……

Goodnight, Goodnight - Hot Hot Heat

Today? A little less boring..

I finally got my shipment from staples. Home office here I come!

I took Max to the groomers. I got called twice from the lady grooming him. Apparently Max doesnt like clippers, b/c every time she turned them on, or pulled out some sheers he went bazeerk and would try to bite her - HARD. She put a muzzle on him but he figured out how to take it off. Damn his intelligence! So the result? Shaggy face, short body hair. Eh, I'll take what I can get. Plus they gave him a cute bandana! He's so handsome.

Before I went to pick Max up, Mr. Protege called. He said I sounded suprised. Well I wasn't suprised that he called, I'm suprised he called right after work. I thought he was finally calling to set up a date in advance but not so much. "Well I was just thinking about you." Ok this is weird. I've been playing along for some time now but I finally had to bring it up to his attention that we had only been in each others presence for about an hour.. at a bar.. after we'd both been drinking.. for all he knows I could be CRAZY! Why share so much with someone you don't know? He thought it wasn't weird at all and that he assumed we were going to meet up soon anyway since I left a voice message saying we should. P.S. He actually quoted verbatim the message I left for him on Saturday. Umm.. yeah..

So after some other confusion, I'm like well why dont we figure something out. "Oh ok, I'll give you a call friday." To which I respond, no, its going to have to be more in advance. I have no idea what I'm doing Friday and I'm not going to drive to the city at the drop of a hat. PAH-LEEZE! To which he does some more shuffling. Then I say, just pick a day. "Off the top of my head?" Yes. "Ok well that's not going to happen." HAHA What? "How about I call you tomorrow to make plans. I'll have my assistant call you actually.." HA! Ok buddie.. sure thing.

I read once in some book I looked through a while ago about how guys sometimes like to string girls along with phone convos.. I assume the end point is sex. I don't know what this guy is doing.. Playing games? Stringing me along.. for sex? Awkward? Over excited? I don't really know. But I have adopted a new strategy for dating. While I used to be a bitter man hater - for no good reason mind you - I feel why not just go with the flow and see what happens? I wont judge a book by its cover unless the cover says "THIS IS A COMPLETE PSYCHO THAT WILL CHOP UP YOUR BODY AND HIDE IT IN HIS BASEMENT" Then maybe i'll decline a date. But other than that, what's the harm as long as I don't put myself in a compromising situation?

And for that matter I don't really care what his agenda is, as mine is clearly the only one that counts. I know that I'm young, single, and want to have fun (unfortunatley for guys fun doesn't include sex.. sorry boys). So I'll go with the flow of life.. until I object.

Anyway.. back to cleaning out the boxes in my room. Ah, who am I kidding? I'm taking a nap :)

I Hate Boring Days

I know its a Tuesday and most people are at work, at school, doing much of nothing special, and yet, I still hate boring days.

Its even impossible for every day to be exciting. Even rock stars have boring days. The days they aren't on tour, or the days that none of the groupies managed to figure out what hotel room they're in. And yet, I still hate boring days.

Does the President have boring days? I think boring days for the president are the most relaxing. Yet, for me at least, I hate boring days.

Or I should say, I can deal with a boring day as long as its in an exotic locale.. not my apt..

Today I bought Jack Johnson's new album - its good stuff but now I remember why I like John Mayer more. John Mayer is more cynical.

I also bought the new Hot Hot Heat album. I HEART HOT HOT HEAT! But I may return it b/c my friend was able to get the album through her sources.. plus none of the band members are particularly attractive so I dont really need the album booklet.
I HEART HOT HOT HEAT!

I got a $20 rebate from cingular! Its from this blue tooth headset I got for my cell phone.. pretty spiffy. Instead of issuing a check though, I got a Visa Debit Card. It has my name printed on it an everything, just like a real credit card. This seems useless, but Cool!

Anyway.. tomorrow shouldn't be as boring. I'm getting a shipment from Staples for my home office! The Bang's Internet Porn site will be up and running soon! Or not...

I hate boring days..

A Lazy Post about the Weekend

I've been in a lazy mood for a few days now.. I thought I would get over it.. but not so much. Anyway here is a backwards recap of my weekend.. You might want to read from the end up (hehe, you'll get it later.. its not really funny)

Sunday

Max is a Prick

Maximus has a 3pm appointment at the groomers so they can give him a bath to make him stop smelling like whatever crap he rolled in the day before. Max has other plans. I go to the gas station and stupidly, leave my keys in the ignition and close the door behind me so he doesn't get out. The bastard jumps up on the door and lands right on the door lock, effectively locking me out of the car with no keys. Thank god my roommate was home, but of course I can never remember where I place things so I had to have her come pick me up so I could find my spare key. I finally find it in some bag I never unpacked.. We ended up missing the appointment. Oh Max, you're not free yet.. I've made another appt for Wednesday, whether you like it or not! (As if he's reading this.. as if he can read)
Later that night instead of doing his business outside, he thinks its a good idea to run up to one of the neighbors who then thinks its a good idea for max to reek havoc in their apt. I spent 10 minutes standing around as if I gave a shit, despite the shit load of work I needed to do. argh!

Saturday

Two's Better than Zero

My phone is finally recharged. Get a message from Mr. Protege which was left the night before.

I decide not to go out. Not only am I extremely tired, I have a shit load of work to do that I negelected to even start on Friday. Mr. Oldie (the 30 year old grad student) calls. I still don't know if I want to talk to him. He left me a cute fumbling message the day before. Eh, I'll let him leave another message. Eh, I feel bad, I call him back. Chat with Mr. Oldie for about 20 minutes. He's still out of town.. bored at his brothers appt.

Oh here is where I rant. Mr. Oldie also has an older brother who is a successful corporate lawyer. WHY do I keep running into the lawyer's younger brothers who are doing something completely different.. I dont know. Actually I do know. Their brothers are too busy working to be out partying or being social. It would be rude to ask any of these guys to give their brothers my number huh? Actually I'm over my lawyer thing. Too many of them are arrogant pricks with a huge sense of entitlement. But until I figure out a new future husband prototype, I'll fall back on the first one..

Anyway, Mr. Oldie said he'd give me a call later in the week to plan something.. I'm not so excited about this guy. But why not have fun right?

Later I returned the phone call from Mr. Protege. I left a message. I told him that I had an awesome time at the gay club and if he actually wanted to meet up, since we live about an hour away from each other, maybe he should actually plan ahead.. He called back 20 minutes later. We chatted for about 20 minutes. At the end of the convo I brought up the planning ahead thing. His response "Yeah I'll give you a call later in the week to see.." Um yeah.. I don't think he gets it. But he'll learn, or just be crossed off the list.

Here is another rant. Why do guys think its ok to just "chat me up" on the phone when they hardly know me. It makes me feel like I'm the girlfriend that has to listen to their bullshit. Except I don't get the perks of being the girlfriend! Mr. Oldie talked about his brother's pet turtle and some other random ish I don't care about. Mr. Protege was telling me about how work went for the week. I do not know you! Why should I care? Sigh.. Now that I think of it, I was annoyed that my ex usually only called to plan to do something and hardly called just to shoot the breeze.. I guess I'm never happy :)

Friday

Yay Gay Men!

Friday was aweeeeeesome! I went to The End Up in the city which has Fag Fridays. Now normally I wouldn't be so excited about going to a gay club. No one is even looking at me! But then again, I get to dance however the hell I want without having a short fat guy being like "hello baby."

So I started the night off by going to see a probate show for one of the black sororities on campus. I'm not in it, but I was supporting a friend. Before the show started, Mr. Protege called and asked me what I was up to for the evening. I told him I would be heading to the city later in the evening but didnt remember the name of the place I was going. He asked me to call him once I got to the city.. sure thing..

Went to hang at Rex's for a bit, then headed to the city with some of Rex's friends. While in the car I get a call from an oh so crazy ex, who asked me to make a U-turn so I could come pick him up from a bar in Palo Alto. Um yeah. No. I wasn't even driving. The easiest way to get rid of this particular ex is to dangle the actual possibility of hanging out in front of him. Somehow this freaks him out. Told him that we should hang out on Saturday.. predictably he freaks and lets me off the phone.

Get to the city and call Mr. Protege, who on hearing which club I am going to gets hesitant b/c its a gay club. Oh well.. Says he'll call in an hour. My phone dies.

At the gay club Rex and I have the fortune of staring at a gorgeous! asian guy.. too bad he's gay. After a while he approaches Rex and I to dance. Heaven! Apparently its his birthday.. he's turning 27. He has a straight friend with him. He introduces us. I run to the bathroom, Rex flirts with the straight friend. Come back and get free drinks from gorgeous guy's boyfriend/bestfriend/?. Too bad I wasn't drinking for the night! Just ordered water :(

Anywho I start dancing with gorgeous gay guy who thinks I should be a model (aww thanks) and keeps going on and on about how awesome of a body I have (he works at gold's gym so this is a huge compliment). I have an awesome time dancing with gorgeous gay guy - 1.) Get to oggle great eye candy 2.) get to dance however I want without "giving the wrong message" 3.) endless compliments from someone who can really appreciate the loveliness of a woman.

I swear every woman should got to a gay club at least once.. maybe even twice.

The night is topped off with a stop at a late night crepe place. Mmm egg and cheese crepe. I'm in heaven! Great night Rex ;-)

Bitterness Part Deux

Ok So i'm off my bitterness kick, but I had to include these last ones.. and then I'm on to talking about dating again :)

7.) People who use people for their own emotional gain

Its ok to go to friends if you need a crying shoulder, but some people are outright ridiculous in terms of the selfish lengths they'll go to make themselves feel better. I don't know how best to put this except to give the example of rebound relationships. I think those are pretty selfish. Some people enter rebound relationships hoping that this person will be better than the last. But a lot of people also do it just to get some kind of validation - be it self-esteem, proving to yourself that you can be loved, or just wanting to soften the emotional blow of ending a relationship. I say to that, stop using people as an emotional crutch. Get the hell up and walk on your own. God knows how many people have suffered at the hands of someone else who started a relationship despite knowing they had not recovered from their last break up. I honestly think people should be given a fine for this behavior - the price to be determined by how badly they hurt the person they were rebounding with.

8.) Fat couples who do the E dance in small spaces

I went to this 80's club with Rex the other day and there was this couple where the guy AND the girl were huge. I almost stared b/c you hardly ever see that.. in california at least. I mean I'm not getting on them b/c of their size, whatever works for you. I was annoyed b/c they were feeling each other up and swaying from side to side on a dance floor as if they were on E, freely bumping into other people and having NO quams about touching each other in all the "right" places. I don't even want to see skinny, hot people doing it... and trust me, its even worse with a bigger couple. I feel these people deserved a ticket too.. for indecent exposure.

9.) Women who do things solely for the purpose of gratifying a man

I was watching "I Want a Famous Face" where this girl got lipo, breast implants, nose job, and lip augmentation to A.) Try to get her picture in Maxim and B.) Get her "friend" to finally ask her to be his girlfriend. Nevermind that the guy is a loser. Nevermind that no matter how much plastic surgery she gets, he'll eventually get bored of her and move on. Nevermind that the plastic surgery did nothing to fix her serious self-esteem issues. Dude get a damn life. Or better yet, since you have the brain power of a lemming, how 'bout you just fall off a cliff.. god forbid you have a daughter and raise her to believe that her life's worth is dependent on having/keeping a man around.

There.. I think I'm done being bitter.. arent we all glad?

Insert Bitterness *Here*

Caution: This post is not to be read by the emotionally weak. Chances are at some point I will hurt your feelings.

I'm not in a particularly bad mood today. Today's a good day actually. Part of my job for today is to go shopping for furniture and office supplies, yet I have this overwhelming urge to be bitter. Blame it on the fact that I might have mono, or Rex rekindiling my true east coast bitter spirit yesterday, whatever it is I'd rather let this bitterness fly rather than keep it to myself. Upsetting people is (somewhat unfortunately) my forte. While California has served to smooth out my rough edges, once in a while I've just gotta let people have it.


People on my Shit List (in descending order):

1.) People who knowingly pass on communicable diseases.

Ok folks this is just disgusting and mean. Its one thing if you accidently get something from someone who was trying to be careful. Its different if you have something and you just dont feel that its important enough to tell someone who is in harm's path. It's even worse if you give someone something on purpose (yes people do this..and they should burn in hell.) Maybe its b/c of the fact that I was born with a weak immune system, so I pretty much get anything, but I think its fuckin lame not to tell people if you have something. From herpes to a common cold, let the other person know if there is a chance they might get something from you. Not to mention I might have mono. Oh and I didn't even get it in a cool way.. like making out with a hot guy on a beach in the carribbean.. no.. if anything I might have gotten it from my roommate's boyfriend.. clearly i'm not the one making out with him, but where there's a will there's a way.. whatever that means. Bottom line, stop passing on your germs.

2.) Cheaters

I can count how many times I've cheated on one hand. The last time I did it I was in 6th grade - I don't think you can make a proper evaluation of someone's moral character at that age. It was a spelling test, and caught by the pressure to get another perfect score I felt I HAD to do it. Someone told on me in front of the class. I was such a good student though, the teacher told the student to pipe down and finish their test. Since then I've been good.

I was talking to Rex yesterday about the idea of cheating on people. She told me of a guy on a summer dig that was seeing three girls at the same time. I mean in and of itself its not horrible if you're up front about the matter. But the kicker is he had a girlfriend of 2 years at home! Who he knew he was getting back together with. I'm sorry, but if you can't handle being away from someone for 2 months, really whats the point of continuing the relationship? Don't get me wrong, some relationships get to the point where its best to test the open waters to make sure you've got the best of the best. But most people don't cheat for this reason. It's usually a very selfish reason and truly unacceptable. I'd rather call someone the moment before I was tempted to do anything and break up with them than cheat while I was still with them. Rex and I really believe it to be a moral issue, while everyone else seems to think "what's the big deal?" Ahh, we're a dying breed Rex.

3.) Guys who suffer from the Cocky-Bastard Syndrome

I'm not saying that I don't like a really confident guy. I LOVE that. But it seems I only like it until it comes to bite me in the ass! I had one guy tell me after I rejected hooking up with him, "You know, there are a lot of girls who want to sleep with me." Fine asshole! Go sleep with them, and why dont you pick up the Clap while you're at it and leave me the hell alone. Funny enough this guy kept calling me asking to be "friends." Um yeah... Then I dated another guy who couldn't get over how handsome he thought he was and whose main motto was "Sorry, no fat chicks." His definition of fat? Size 8 and above. I thought this was funny while we were dating, but of course since he's such an awesome person he can get anyone he wants.. or so he believes.. Go fuckin figure.

4.) People with no self-awareness

Everyone's got some kind of issue - napolean complex, too fuckin needy, overly bitter, a push over.. etc. Be aware of your issues and stop trying to pretend they dont exist. People do this all the time and it drives me nuts! And dont try to compare yourself to people who are worse off than you to make yourself feel better. You still got issues, deal with em and stop fucking up the lives of people around you. And if you read this and think "i don't have any issues," then congratulations, you've made it to #5 on my shit list.

5.) People in DEnial

Its one thing if you arent aware of your problems. But if its a problem there is no doubt in my mind that over the years people have brought it up to you, or at least attempted to. Instead of taking in the feedback and being appreciative that someone is trying to get you to become a better person, you probably brushed the conversation off and thought "that idiot doesn't know what they're talking about." Look, I figure for the most part life is about trying to un-do the damage your parents have knowingly, or unknowingly, done to you. Realize that no one is perfect and use the precious time you have to improve yourself as a person. It happens so often with people who go through the same thing in life over and over again and blame failure on everyone else but themselves. Look in the fuckin mirror! Even Michael Jackson, as fucked up as he is realizes that you've gotta make a change.. "I'm looking at the man in the mirror. I'm asking him to change his ways..." etc. Too bad he didn't take his own advice. Eventually, though, you're going to have to deal with the fact that its not them, its you. Change. You'll feel 100 times better.. trust me.

5.) People who rudely cut in front of you when driving

People like that really make me want to get a huge HUMMER just so I can tail-gate the shit out of them, then follow them to their destination, blaring my horn all the while, making them think they just messed with a crazy psycho. Don't cut in front of me prick!

6.) UPS

What can brown do for you? What can brown do for you? WHAT advertising company fed UPS this load of shit? I, personally, am offended and I feel that anyone else who can be considered brown (black, hispanic, indian, etc.) should be equally annoyed. This is a country that has a history grounded in bitterness and hatred for people based on their color. Brown hits a little too close to home. Maybe try other colors like Pink, or green. Brown? No dice. I'd like FedEx to come out with a slogan "What can white do for you?" and maybe I'd be appeased.

Oye Veh.. more to come... my bitterness has given me a headache that I need to take care of.

Ciao!