3-year FREE TRIAL OFFER!

I was just thinking... a lot about society has changed in the last 50 years. In terms of relationships, there is the age old saying, "Why buy the cow if you can get the milk for free?" Sayings like this seriously made me wonder about what would motivate a man to want to marry a woman if they were already being intimate in their relationship. But it dawned on me recently that you know, for better or worse, social norms continue to evolve. Whereas decades ago many people were restrained by social norms and religious views on the issue of sex before marriage, these days more and more people are saying "You wouldn't buy a car without kicking the tires would you?" Increasingly, it seems like more and more people are realizing that hey, marriage is hard. You don't want to make it harder by being sexually incompatible or even incompatible roommates. So it is in one's best interest to give the relationship a test drive before sealing the deal.

So I thought of another metaphor for relationships before marriage. You know how you get those magazine offers - 30 Day free trial! Well relationships are kind of like that these days. Except the free trial period is more like 3 years.. well for me anyway. There is a 3 year free trial offer. After that if you're satisfied with the product you can choose to buy it - marriage. If you're not satisfied, while you won't get your money back for all the dates and gifts, you won't be made to pay for anything else if you decide not to marry. So maybe it isnt a completely *free* trial. Maybe I should say, 3-year discounted rate. lol. Maybe I should just stop with the metaphors :)

I REALLY need to stop procrastinating

But I cant... I don't agree with all of her points, but I agree a lot with her points at the end about 30 year olds thinking, "but I'm so young!" I especially like the part where she mentioned the "crinkled" eyes. LOL! I was raised by a full blown feminist and while I embrace most of my mother's ideas and ideals, I do understand one thing - human nature is human nature, and you can only fight it for so long. I think my mother realizes this too. When I was young she would say, "don't get married its a waste of time." Now that I'm getting older she knows its inevitable, maybe even necessary for me, and gives me advice on what to look for in a husband. Its no offense to those who are 30+ who still don't have the family and the house and feel that they don't need it by that age, but what I take away from the article, and what I believe most is that the "feminist movement" gave women the right to CHOOSE what they want out of life. To accomplish this, the pendulum had to swing far to the left. But with this new found freedom, its time to be more balanced. Have your career, have your family, don't settle for less in the meantime, but also, don't deny yourself your natural inclinations. No matter what us youngins think now, there will be a time when your ovaries creep into dreams and turn them into nightmares! BABIES! BABIES! BABIES!

:-P

This is a looong article:

http://www.cnn.com/books/beginnings/9902/why.happiness/

Brits & Marriage

Its funny how easy it is to find a million and one ways to procrastinate when you REALLY don't want to do something liiike.. study a really boring subject. I found this quote from a British guy and it really stood out to me:

"the last thing on a man's mind is to get married, until he meets a woman who makes it foremost in his mind" Marriage mostly isn't a big deal to men and normally assigned to the "would like to do one day" list of things in our lives. It's when we meet the right woman that looks after us, cares for us, makes our lives and makes life before her seem somehow less, that we think about spending more than the immediate future with her and start to think long term. So many women think they do such a great job with their man, but don't thats why they have to pressure their man into marrying them. I would tell any woman if she has to pressure her man that its a mistake to marry him, but if shes willing to apply pressure chances are she wouldn't listen anyway. If you are the right woman a man will get there on his own and there will be no doubt as he will hint at it long before the proposal comes.

Why Nice Guys Finish Last

While I love my boyfriend, I am starting to realize a lot of things about relationships that I never understood before since I was never in one long enough to call it "real." While it took a hell of a lot of patience and manuevering (i.e. manipulation.. sorta) to get my boyfriend into a relationship, now that we've been together for a combined 8 months, he's practically putty in my hands. Yesterday he so succinctly verbalized it, "If thats what my girl wants, thats what my girl gets." It was cute, but I later thought, hm.. I'm bored. I started realizing that this comfortable/bored feeling may be the cause of people cheating. No, no, I don't want to cheat on him. The thought of having someone else touch me isn't appealing, but I can see a possible reason for why others cheat. Also, it reminded me of this article about passion in relationships. Since I was always starting and ending relationships pretty quickly, or just casually dating, the only side to relationships I knew was passion. The article was mostly speaking to women, but I think it applies to both sexes. As soon as someone in the relationship lets the other person know that they can have them in any way they please, the passion dies. Sad times, now I'm one of those idiots wishing the spark could last forever, even though I know such things don't have that kind of shelf life. But it does speak to the old saying, "Nice guys (girls)finish last." I don't know why early love is built on the tension of not knowing how someone feels, but it IS. And once you know how that person feels, for a while its great. But then after a while for people like me who are always looking for a challenge, a new challenge must be found - either by breaking up or getting a new hobby outside of the relationship thats challenging.. I think med school fits the bill :-/

I started to internally freak out after I realized that this relationship has become comfortable. "Does that mean this is the end?" "Is he not the right guy?" Then I remembered a passage I read in "The Female Brain." I skimmed through my bookcase, found the book, and reread the chapter. It almost verbatim quoted my current thoughst - words that I had read before but never understood their meaning or what they felt like. The chapter explains that a young woman had gone to the psychiatrist (who wrote the book) after a year into her relationship with a guy named "Rob." When they first met the woman couldn't stand to be apart from him. She cherished every minute they spent together, hearing his voice, being next to him, everything for the first five months. But then after a year, she didn't feel that spark anymore. She liked seeing Rob, but her heart didn't flutter the way it used to. (Hm, ok, sounds like my situation) She too was probably getting comfortable and a bit bored. Thats when she went to the psychiatrist looking for answers. Why didn't her relationship feel the same way it did during those first 5 months? Well apparently what happens is, in the initial "falling in love" phase, there are huge surges of dopamine when you interact w/ the person you are attracted to. Dopamine works on your "reward" centers and you're on cloud 9. After some time, which varies from person to person, dopamine levels start to fall off, and women get an increase in oxcytocin, and men receive increases in vasopressin. Respectively, these chemicals are in charge of pair bonding for each sex. So the couple moves from the fast and furious stage to the long-term commitment phase. The psychiatrist explains that this is evolutionarily to the advantage of the couple, since it would be hard to raise kids if you were obsessed with each other. So the bonding stage is supposed to prepare you to stay committed to each other, but at the same time attend to other things in your life, such as raising kids. Ok, this makes sense. The story went on, and Rob had forgotten to call his girlfriend one day and she FLIPPED OUT. Ok, I don't know why once would make a person flip out. (Actually I start to get nervous if I don't hear back from my bf by a certain time when I feel he should call.. ok I guess I'm not above this behavior either.) The girlfriend ended up explaining how freaked out she got to Rob and shortly after they realized how much them meant to each other and got engaged. Um ok, the story could be made up, but the point is that its what happens to a lot of couples. You go from fast and furious to cruise control.

I'm not used to cruise control though, but since I am mature on some levels, I understand that it doesn't mean the love is gone. Another thing that makes way more sense to me now is what I've heard older adults say time and time again, "Love is not enough." The feeling of being in love with someone isn't going to sustain a relationship, b/c eventually those feelings aren't present 24/7 and they kind of fade to the background. If there aren't other things that draw you to a person such as mutual respect, mutual admiration, mutual appreciation, well then, you're probably just going to break up. I understand this now.

I started thinking more about why I feel so "bored." And I realized that A - the dopamine surges have dampened the "spark" and that's natural, and B - I'm so stressed with med school right now, my libido is practically gone. Its the equivalent of a man not being able to get it up.. really, its sad. I read in the same book that cortisol blocks oxytocin receptors in women so stress reduces libido.

So in conclusion, the relationship has hit cruise control, which is all too new for me. Being stressed + lack of dopamine = an unexcite-able and boring chick. None of these things are my boyfriend's fault. Plus, I'm reminded of all the stuff he's done that he didn't have to do but did because he is who he is. It's almost instinct for him to be a good person. Not to mention the fact that he freely offered to watch my dog (a dog he H-A-T-E-S) for the 3 weeks I'll be on vacation without me having to bring it up or ask. Maybe these are things that boyfriends are just supposed to do anyway but seeing how lazy I am in the realtionship, I appreciate it anyway. So I just need to get through finals and finally get my mojo back :-/