Why we should stop reading books that give advice about life

I woke up quite early this morning to go to work. While I was getting ready I watched the Today Show with Katy Curick and Matt Loure (sp?). They mentioned that later on in the show they would have the author's of the book "He's Just Not That Into You : The No-Excuses Truth to Understanding Guys" back because the book made it on so many bestseller lists and women around the country were dumping their boyfriends. I didn't end up seeing the segment since they had all these other segments about families pulling children out of burning cars and such and I was already late for work. Bummer.

Now if I were still a sophomore in college, I may have stayed to see the segment even if it meant being an hour late from work. But that was a while back and I'm in a different place right now. A better place, at least in understanding guys. So i went to Amazon.com to see what this book is about. And pretty much it gives common sense advice that if anyone would pull the wool off their eyes they'd be able to see without wasting $19.95 + tax. It can be pretty simple to tell if a guy is interested in you. He hangs around a lot.. more than usual.. You catch him staring at you when you're going about your business.. and sometimes he'll even compliment you.. A LOT. Now whether or not a guy likes you enough to "like you in that way" is a little different I guess. And a lot of the times, when a guy has the cajones, he'll call and ask you out for a date. I think thats a major sign of being enamored. NO DUH! If a guy's not so interested he's not going to go out of his way to say hi, make conversation, or ask you out on a date. Trust me, you can tell.

What annoys me about this retarded book is that it makes sweeping generalizations that will cause people to misinterpret a situation and dump perfectly good guys (or at least as good as you're going to get ;) ) The book pretty much says, if a guy likes you enough, they'll chase you. They'll bring you roses, they'll sing to you from balconies, they will STALK YOU until they wear you DOOOWN! And if you do as much as lift a finger to call and say hi, or suggest a movie date, they'll turn cold as a fish and lose ALL interest. Mhm, yeah.

So here's Elsie's take on it (Sorry, I'll stop referring to myself in the third person) When I first read about the book I thought, wow this is ridiculous! Dumb! It took me until the end of the day to realize, yes, any guy that I have tried to pursue has lost interest for one reason or the other; even if pursuing just meant i called them once to see what they were up to. And then I thought, wait, it wasn't that I was "pursuing" them, it was that it just wasn't meant to be in the FIRST place. I could have NEVER called a guy and eventually something else would have taken his interest. And the guys who have tried to pursue me endlessly, the very few, I usually just took their attention for granted, used them for something and said, "You know Bill, you're a cool guy (or not) but I'm not interested in you in that way."

The truth is folks, a large majority of guys willing to jump through fire hurdles to have you do so because they know they are inadequate when compared to you. They know you're beautiful and they're not. They know that you're an awesome dancer, and they're not. You're smart, they're not. They know that they're lame, and you're NOT. Maybe this only pertains to college or just people I know, but people you might actually want to date, you know fun, good looking, interesting, have a lot of people vying for their attention. Nine times out of 10 they're not going to do everything in they're power to get you. Even a half-assed feable attempt to impress you is noteworthy. This dynamic changes much later in life though, when the men that thought they were great shit realize that their are a shitload more lame women out there than good ones and come crawling back and try to impress that girl they used to wipe their ass back in the day.

I think what the book fails to do is let people in on a better secret. That guy that you've known for a long time and that you think is a really awesome person but who you don't like in that way right now might turn into the love of your life later on. Good, lasting relationships happen when you go SLOW. And that's a lot of people's problems. It's hard to go slow, especially when you meet someone who knocks your socks off. If you try to push anything you risk having the person run away by freaking them out! Even if you meet someone new and start dating right away, still best to take things SLOW.

Then again, there are some people, like me, who aren't in the game for love. Truthfully I'd just like to meet someone who I can be friends with, makes 6 figures + and has good genes to make great kids with. Now to get this I can take either the slow route, or the "game" route. The game route takes skill to master. You can never rush things, but they don't have to take eternity. The game route unfortunately is a harder task. It takes planning and scheming but gets you what you want. Some people may object to this route, but hey, not every guy is solely smitten by a pretty face, sometime's you've got to work!

So yes, that is all. I don't know why I used to read books for advice, or magazines. I think its best to follow instincts, learn from mistakes, and stop reading crap advice that will ruin your life. ;)

Why we should ALL stop feeling lame about ourselves

I'd like to say that over the years my general confidence level has grown on average. It was probably 50% in high school, 20% Freshman year of college, 60% Sophomore year, and now its about 80%. 80% is pretty damn good, seeing that I don't think anyone really reaches 100% unless they're in their own world.. There is that whole saying that while you may feel you're the best at something, you'll meet someone better.. At Stanford, you've probably met THE BEST. And I think Donald Trump even has his moments of "I am on top of the world! Wait I have an awful combover :( "

But all in all, everyone has their strengths and weaknesses. And most likely your strengths outweigh your weaknesses. So here are some reasons why you should stop feeling lame about yourself..


1.) Bonqueesha from down the block, you know, the one with 3 kids, 3 baby daddies, and working part time at Kmart looks in the mirror every day and says "Ooh Girl I'm tha bomb!"

2.) You haven't killed anyone...yet

3.) If you're one of my friends you're better looking than the average Joe. In fact, you're probably Hot stuff.

4.) AND You're part of the elite 10% of American's who knows that your brain is for thinking and not for destroying with drugs, high impact collisions just b/c you're bored, or completely inane thoughts.

5.) Up to this point you've made your parents proud.. which is really the only reason why you were created in the first place.

6.) You've got friends who love you for you.

7.) That hot guy or girl who dumped you/rejected you? Yeah they just did it out of feelings of inadequacy because they could never live to your standards.

8.) You are your own worst critic, which means everyone else thinks you are a much better person than you think you are.

9.) You could always be dumber, uglier, less interesting, more annoying, and less loved. Thank your blessings.

10.) And if I haven't deluded you enough.. your body odor probably smells like roses :)

My "First" Date

So I've dated plenty of people and can't say this is the first. It is a first date that didn't include some kind of substance, illegal or otherwise, or a frat house, or drama. So maybe it is a first of sorts. At least its the first date I've been on post-graduation.

Long story short, I met this guy at a grad student party. He was the brother of a friend of a friend or something like that.. Anyway We went outside to talk, but I wasn't the most interested and instead spent most of our "talking" time yelling at another guy I used to date, over the phone. Good times. I gave the guy my number despite my apathy and he called later in the week to set up a "date."

I was supposed to meet him at Starbucks. When I finally got there 15 minutes late, I walked up and thought, OH SHIT! What if I don't remember what he looks like? Good thing he was sitting in the front and noticed me first. Phew! And then I realized, hey! This guy is cuter than I remember. That's a first! Ahh he's not wearing glasses. Good times.

So we talked about...crap. Nothing earth shattering was said, but I did laugh a lot. He seemed like a cool guy. Then all of a sudden he wanted to go to this local bar. Apparently he's a comedian and was doing an open mic at this bar that didn't card. I walked there with him but decided that I didn't like the people in the bar, plus I was cold. I told him that I was cold and wanted to go home and see my dog. Maybe that wasn't the best of ideas.. Whatevs. He walked me to my car, gave me a hug, and said it was nice to see you again. I told him good luck with that comedy "thing" and hopped in my car.

All in all it wasn't bad. He's funny, I like laughing, etc. etc. But I'm quite unclear as to how the date "went." Like he didn't say lets hang out again.. Then I thought, I'd be hella pissed if some guy told me he was bouncing early because he had to take care of a dog! Haha.. I'm so smoooth :-P

Am I selling out?

Starting today I officially work for Abercrombie & Fitch. Oh yes, the infamous company that is racist, sexist, and promotes skankiness in the youngest of American children (thongs for 12 year olds? sigh..) So with all of this, why did I agree to work for A & F? Well my initial motivation came after a friend said that during their group interviews they purposely weed unattractive people out. They tell them that hiring is extremely competitive and they try not to give them an application. A sick desire of mine wanted to see if it would happen to me. I mean I don't think I'm unattractive, but A&F is supposed to be particularly bad and only hire extremely attractive blonde hair, blue eyed surfer guys and chicks. So I walk up to the register and ask the woman behind it if I could have an application. She says that they have group interviews on certain days and they give the applications out then. She ejects some paper from the register and says that I should write my name and number on it and that they would call me to remind me. She then asks if I will be able to make it and I tell her I would come the following day. She shakes my hand and introduces herself. I say thank you and walk away..

Walking back to the car I think to myself, am I really going to do this?! My friend reaffirms how everyone in the store that day was blonde and gorgeous and I'm like wow, am I really going to set myself up for disappointment. I go back home and decide to fill out the 8 applications I picked up while at the mall. It took FOREVER!

The following day I say to myself, what the fuck, I'm going to do it. I'm going to go to this interview and see what its like. I guess secretly I just wanted affirmation that I was attractive enough to work for A&F. I get to the store and ask an associate about the group interview. She looks at me and says "Do I know you? You look so familiar." After a minute or two, we still cannot figure it out and she points me in the way of a manager. I walk up to the manager and sure enough she is a petite, gorgeous blonde. She tells me that she is going to grab some apps and that I should sit on the couches in another room.

The manager comes out and takes the six of us outside to conduct the group interview after filling out an app. I look around me and sure enough the applicants are all attractive, young individuals, all in college, and "just love A&F clothing." We get asked a bunch of random questions. The manager is unbelievably informal, a quintessential Californian - chill, laid back, cursing, the whole nine. I'm like wow, that's pretty damn cool. At the end of the interview we are told that we will be notified by the next day if we got the position or not.

I figure to myself, whatever, if I don't get picked its not because I'm unattractive. I guess in the grand scheme I may not fit the A&F "mold" or type. Lo and behold the following day I received a call from one of the managers saying that they would like to offer me a position. I say yes and I am to report to orientation the following morning.

Now I don't know what my experience with the company is going to be. Everything seems to be cool now, but maybe someone will offend me because I'm a minority, or be insensitive. I don't know. I do hope for the best though. The working environment is extremely laid back and its nice to be able to wear jeans to work :)

Poor Bastard

Me: hey
Me: how many times have i told you i really liked a guy?
Friend: haha
Friend: like never
Friend: I only remember a couple crushes here and there
Me: haha
Friend: there was some guy who couldn't pay tuition or something
Friend: or didn't get financial aid
Friend: remember him?
Me: oh yeah
Me: i think i only liked him theoretically
Friend: haha
Me: b/c when i actually had the chance
Me: i turned him down
Me: haha!
Friend: haha
Me: i'm so lame!
Friend: poor bastard


Hmm.. maybe I'm the poor bastard :-/

When two Scorpios try to Mate

I don't know how much you believe in astrology. I used to mostly believe it when I was in high school. Now I only believe in it "somewhat." Then things happen and I wonder if astrology does have more merit than I've given it, or if I'm just projecting. Either way, I've come to the conclusion that two Scorpios of similar character can never! get together.

So according to popular descriptions, the following traits describe Scorpios:

The bright side:

Determined and forceful
Emotional and intuitive
Powerful and passionate
Exciting and magnetic

The dark side:

Jealous and resentful
Compulsive and obsessive
Secretive and obstinate

Now any given Scorpio that you run into may have all of this traits, or just some, may be more dark side, more bright side, and some are balanced. I'd like to say I'm balanced, more dark side than I would like, but hey, whatcha gonna do. One of my good friend's I'd say is more bright side. We get along well not because our personalities totally mesh but because her personality traits compliment mine.

Then there was the time when I tried to date a guy Scorpio. The thing is he vacillated between bright side and dark side all the time. At first his secretive and compulsive side were fun and interesting. But soon, the jealous and resentful side got to be too much and got in the way of things. And I couldn't get to know him well because he was so damn secretive! In the end it didn't work out. Of course I blamed him for being unreasonable.

Then, I talked to him recently and realized, we're both unreasonable, but not purposely. Two secretive Scorpios learn NOTHING about each other. We just sit in silence waiting for the other one to make their intentions clear. My compulsiveness got me in trouble when I caught the eye of a friend of his. And quite frankly we can both be resentful which made us do mean things to each other, just because we could.

So in the end, two similar personalities just ended up creating a disaster. This is not to say that Scorpion's of different characteristics could not work out. I've never seen it happen, but stranger things do happen I guess. Moreover, I'm sure there are other signs in the zodiac that have characteristics more conducive to fostering healthy relationships. Scorpios? Not so much...

My Treatise on Why Hot People Should Stay Single Until I'm Married

I. Of Why it sucks for hot people to have significant others

I might sound somewhat selfish in my treatise, but trust that I will convince you to feel the same way.

When was the last time you saw someone hot of the opposite sex and you're chatting them up and all of a sudden they mention a significant other. It is almost as if you're world collapses. I mean I envision frolicking in fields with this person, laughing and having a good time, hot passionate sex, beautiful babies, and then the FUCK IT UP by saying something like, "oh yeah, my girlfriend and I do that all the time." And then I'm like, you'r GIRLFRIEND! Why the HELL would I care about her! It's sad. They can probably see it on my face. After the girlfriend has slipped into the conversation I usually find a way to slip out - "Well nice, talking to you. I've gotta go take care of my hemroids." Ok maybe I'm not that crass.

II. Of Why it is best for hot people to stay single

Have you ever run in to that hot girl or guy that you had a hot fling with and found out they were still single? It's a rush! You guys can have more flings, as many as you want! No weird conversations about how they're getting married tomorrow.

III. Of Why it is a hot person's responsibility to stay single

So there have been times when I'm dating a guy and it hits a point, get serious or quit. I used to get mad if a guy didn't want to get serious and just wanted to "have fun." And then I thought about it one day. If he was "serious" with someone else, WE would have never dated. If I was serious with someone, I would have never been able to have a hot fling with a hot guy. Thankfully the whole "I want to be serious" phase of my life ended early. I've had A LOT of fun times since then. And so for the small percentage of the population who are attractive AND fun, it is your responsibility to stay single and available to other attractive and fun people so that the fun times can keep rolling.

IV. Conclusion

Have I convinced you yet? If nothing else. If you're under the age of 25 you're YOUNG! You've got a long life to live! (unless you get hit by a bus tomorrow and who cares since you were living it up before then). Live life for the experience of it, for the learning experiences, for the sake of making your days happier than they would be otherwise. Especially if you're hot, young, and fun, do not get hitched! Don't do it! That person you think you're in love with will be around when you want to get married in a few years. WAIT. Oh ok, so you think someone else will snatch them up right? Well all you have to do is string the person along emotionally long enough, then break everything off abruptly. Then make sure you keep their contact info updated so that when you're finally ready, and you still think they're "the one" you can run back into their lives and say how you were such an asshole before not because you wanted to be but because you were emotionally scarred as a child and you couldn't handle the prospect of actually finding the one. Or that your grandmother died and you became extremely depressed for a long time, had to go to counceling, and you're finally better.

Viva La Vida Loca!

** Disclaimer: Don't try to pull any of this crap with me or I'll cut you! Its only fun when I don't get hurt.