Why relationships crash and burn

So remember that post earlier I had about being a bitch and staying one forever, no matter what the guy does?

Yeah.. see.. stuff like that is always much easier said and thought when you are not in a relationship. But once it comes time to practice the "bitch skills" the best laid plans.. well you know.. go down the crapper.

Yesterday when talking to the bf (i think) he asked if I wanted to join him in the city for a date later in the week. At first I was appauled by the idea of having to drive to see him and told him I'd "think about it." He seemed a tad testy and said he wasn't expecting an answer right then and there.. right ok.

Well I thought about it and realized that my reaction was due to remembering various "rules" that say that a man should travel to see you most of the time and not the other way around. But for some reason, all of a sudden this rule seemed ridiculous. He has work earlier than I have to be at class during the weekday. So if we worked out a compromise - I visit during the week, he visits during the weekend - it seems that neither of us would feel like things were one sided. Ok, so I decided it wasn't horrible to go see him. But now the question is do I call him now or tomorrow?

When people make plans w/ me I want updates on the status of the plans like a weather report - if there are any changes I want a 5 day forecast (i.e. don't call me 5 minutes before to say yay or nay, i want to know way ahead of time). So there is the rule - treat others like you want to be treated. But in my experience I think I'm a tad more neurotic then others so other people don't need to be updated so much in advance. But the day before isn't *too* much in advance. But at the same time, I'd keep him guessing by waiting until tomorrow.

Hmm..

I've finally decided - If he needs to know much earlier than tomorrow he'll call and ask. Otherwise.. I'll let him know tomorrow.

But I can already see that the walls that I'm supposed to be holding up indefinetly will crumble at some point. And then if there is yet another break up I'll tell myself "SEE! I should have just been a bitch!" Well, I have a theory. I think for most people the ability to be a bitch takes on a U-shaped curve - its easy to be a bitch in the beginning but once you start to get those horomones pumping through your veins, you drop the shield, but then when the horomones are gone and you know the person really well, your bitchiness rises... just a theory. Since a lot of people break up before the bitch shield rebounds I guess it'll be a hard thing to test...

Absence Makes the Heart Grow Fonder

Ex: If I had more time..
Me: (Oh lord here comes another "If life were different we would work out speech.")
Ex: ...If I had more time to devote to you, would you consider getting back together?
Me: (Oh whoops I underestimated him.)
Me: Well what do you mean, "more time?"
Ex: Well originally I thought I was going to be gone every weekend building a house on my own but I've decided to go a different route and have someone build it for me.
Me: Oh, I see.
Ex: I mean, if you want, we could try it out with this new situation. With you living down there it might be a little hard but I miss you a lot.
Me: I miss you too.
Ex: Though this situation will probably be better. I mean living together was just...
Me: Kinda awful.
Ex: I mean I'd get home from work and..
Me: Yeah I know, its not the best idea to be living with someone you start dating.
Ex: Yeah. You know what I mean.
Me: So we're going to try this again?
Ex: Think about it. You don't have to give me an answer now.
Me: Ok.
_____________________

So I omitted most of the sappy stuff.. mostly because I don't remember it all. And I also spared the descriptions of making out as we walked back to his apartment. And no, I didn't "seal the deal" by doing the dirty mambo. Besides the fact that I was tired, it would just be weird. But I didn't have to worry about that because he knew better than to try to take it there :-)

Take two?

We'll see.... :-D x 100

Pleasantly Surprised

Last night I was invited to a party by one of the girls in my early martriculation program. I was weary of the party for a few reasons: 1.) The girl was a Stanford Bio major and while not a complete dork, didn't give off the "cool" vibe either 2.) She said "Yeah I live with engineers. They're a little nutty, but our parties tend to be lots of fun." Um since when did engineers and fun go together? 3.) I haven't partied with Stanford kids in a while but when I thought of it I was just reminded of how dorky everyone was and how the dorky guys spend their whole night talking to some of the most unattractive people about boring ass topics like the mechanics of motion in the African dung beetle.

So with that in mind I realized it was a Saturday night and I had two options, stay in or at least go be entertained by the dorkiness of the Stanford crowd. I called Rex before I made a decision so that she could weigh in on my options. In the end we decided that it might just be worth it to go point and laugh. Oh and we also decided that I shouldnt wear any make up or make any effort to get dressed "up" since I'd be sorely disappointed if I did. As Rex said, "You know those nights that you get all done up and then its just a disappointment because then you have all this make up on your face that you can't put back." Ah yes, been there many-a-time.

So equipped with drop bottom low expectations I went to the party. Ok there were lots of people there - good sign. But I didn't know most of them - bad sign. Not too many hotties were there either - bad sign, but expected. And lo and behold I ran into a sorority sister. We chatted for a bit, she knew most of the guys who lived in the house and she was an '05 so she knew a lot of the people there. Ok.. so done chatting w/ the sister, go get a drink. Walking around with my drink.. wow I really dont know ANY of these people.. Oh I know! I'll find the girl in my program.. that'll kill another 15 minutes.

Then out of nowhere another girl in the program taps me. Ahh! Saved. And she's standing with the girl who invited us. And surprisingly the girl who invited us is not as uncool as I thought. Its weird when you see a different side of people (i.e. the drunk side) and the person turns out to be a lot different than you expected. So the rest of the night I chatted with the two girls in the program, then made fun of this REALLY drunk guy who kept saying really weird but funny things, then chatted with some other stanford and non-stanford kids.

So all in all, it wasn't the worst experience and I actually had "fun." Although I should mention that the people I ended up talking to either didnt go to Stanford or went to Stanford but had been out of school for at least a couple of years. So I guess I have to say that the theory that having low expectations is the best way to go since those are the nights where you're most likely going to be pleasantly surprised.

AND I've already got a couple of holidays planned out according to the non-stanford folk - For halloween I HAVE to go to UCSB and for Mardi Gras I HAVE to go to Cal Poly.

We'll see. Something tells me that during those festivities I might be in a library studying instead :( Who's the dork now?!

Gigglin' Idiot

Recently, at the beginning of every week I've told myself, "this is the week that I'm not going to talk to my ex." Not that I dont want to talk to him but in order for us to be friends, REAL friends, there has to be some distance between us. Having no contact with each other for a while would probably be a good way to establish this distance. But every week, for one reason or another, the silence is broken.

This week my ex called b/c his best friend's birthday is coming up and they were going to go to my ex's parents' cabin to celebrate. Ok, ok, ok. I know, bad idea going to a cabin w/ an ex where lots of drinking would probably be involved. But hey, I love hanging out w/ his best friend so it was a sacrafice I was willing to make. Oh but fate would have it that the trip would be cancelled and rescheduled. Ok whatever.

Then I noticed something; something that I guess I must have picked up before in other post move-out conversations. For whatever reason anything I say produces solid gold laughter from my ex. I could say, "my toe hurts," or "I don't have my contacts in so I can't see right now," or "You're a douche bag" and there he goes laughing away. What's so goddamn funny?? I mean I'd like to believe that my sarcasm, wit, and dry humor are so well delivered that they could make someone think I'm just hysterical, but really, I'm at least honest with myself, I aint that funny. Come to think of it another guy who laughed at whatever drivelled out of my mouth was Crazy Adam *shiver* (P.S. He's still texting me. Can you say tool to the nth degree?)

Whatever. I guess if nothing else I can at least control my side of things and stop initiating any contact. (No more 3 am phone calls followed up by bad lies) Although not contacting anyone will be quite easy since I just found out I have to take biochemistry this summer.. bummer :-/

THAT kind of love

I'm a bit intrigued by love since, well, I've never been "in" it. Today I was browsing friends' websites and I read a post by one friend's boyfriend about how much he loved her. There were various comments at the bottom congratulating the happy couple and I had to admit even I got a little mushy hearted. I started to wonder what a love like that felt like - one where you can't be without the person; one where you wished they could take every breath in your presence; one where everything is right in the world as long as they're around. And then a word hit me - delusional!

Haha, sorry you may have thought this post was going to be all mushy and extolling the virtues of such love but as I started to day dream of what passionate love felt like I remembered a conversation I had with my mom when I was in NY. It's funny because it's not like I've never gotten this advice from my mom before, but the older I get the more it makes sense.

Mom: "Listen honey nothing lasts forever. When people are in love and they say 'I'd die for you. I never want to live without you' watch out. And you know what reminds me of that? When I was a kid there was this candy called Goody-Goody. Oh my god. I would DIE for Goody-Goody. I would blow up a house for Goody-Goody. I would see people work and spend their money on other things and I'd think to myself 'If I made money I'd spend my last penny on Goody-Goody.' But then one day I tasted it and, it didn't do it for me anymore. I almost had a heart attack! Me, not crazy about Goody-Goody? One day I just stopped eating it all together. I mean if I got over Goody-Goody, then I realized that nothing lasts forever."

Me: "That makes sense. But I mean, there are people who stay married until the day they die. There are people who love each other over a lifetime. I mean if you don't marry for love what the hell else do you marry for? Especially since its not like your times where people HAD to marry for financial reasons."

Mom: "Listen babe, all that I love you bullshit goes away. You marry a friend. That way you build up that kind of love for each other. Instead of fading, it builds. At least that has a chance to last. Look at Jessica Simpson and Nick."

Me: "Ack. I've heard that story already. Ok fine makes sense."

So with so many marriages ending in divorce despite people either being madly in love from the get go or "knowing the person was the one" from the beginning, I had to listen to my mother's advice pretty closely.

All in all though I don't think its stupid or irresponsible for people to get married to people they instantly fall in love with. I mean how do you know its going to crash an burn from the get go when it starts so well? But for me at least, the path my mother describes is most likely the path I'll take. One day I'll be chatting up a friend and all of a sudden, it'll just be right, or make sense. I just hope that day comes before 30!

So folks, the moral? Beware of the Goody-Goody. You may tire of it also ;-)

Acts of stupidity in spite of myself

Nevermind that I spent 10 minutes talking to Rex about how I was going to cut off all contact with my ex ASAP, because when I get drunk, my actions don't always match up with my words.

After going out with some friends in the city last night to celebrate one friend graduating a coterm program, at 3 AM I found myself hungry, really drunk, and sitting in the dark. I decided to warm up my half eaten burritto. Ok. Food, check. Now! What is the drunk Bang going to do? Oh thats right, chat up her Ex. "WAIT!" I said to myself. "You can't call him!" "Why not?" I questioned. "Because! Cut off contact! Remain in control. You need to detach from him sooner or later. Let it be sooner." "But its an innocent call," I replied.. to myself. "Well, if its just innocent.. NO! He'll think you need him and miss him." "But I do.. miss him that is." "So what! He doesn't have to know." "Yeah, but I mean I'm just going to chat, nothing heavy." "Alright, I'm too drunk to stop you anyway." And off I was calling my ex at 3 in the morning.. Lo and behold it rang twice and went straight to voicemail. I've had this happen before when calling my mother. It rings twice then goes straight to voicemail. If I don't leave a message, a lot of the times it doesnt even register as a call. "See Bang. Fate protected you. Now he won't know you called. You dont have to give up any control. Go to bed!"

This morning I woke up with a burning sensation in my stomach. I really shouldn't have asked for the spicy salsa in the burritto. Oh no! What did I do last night?? Ah crap, I called the ex - burning sensation increases.. I'm going to be sick. I go over in my head what the odds are of his phone not registering my call as a missed call. I sign on AIM and ask friends about their experiences with not getting people's calls. "Maybe he was on the phone when you called." "No," I said, "its highly unlikely he'd be on the phone at that hour." "Oh," my friend replied. "Well maybe he ignored the call." My anxiety goes up again. "You think he pushed ignore? Oh no, maybe he was with another.. ugh I'm going to bed." The concensus of both my friends was to chill the hell out and not worry about it.

But I could not let the craziness and anxiety subside. I had to get to the bottom of this (in a round about way of course). My ex and I have the same phone. I figured I'd call my phone and see what happens when you ignore the call. Ahhh Ok, if you purposely push the button it doesn't go straight to your voicemail message, it tells the person that you are busy. Ok, he didn't ignore my call on purpose. Phew. He probably didn't get the call then. Saved!

A few hours later.. the ex calls.. "Hey dude, whats up?" "So you called me yesterday?" "Oh right.. yeah sorry, two other people called me this morning saying that. I was really drunk and kept dialing the wrong number." "Oh." Awkward Silence. "I was wondering if you even got the call, sorry I hope I didn't interrupt anything." ACK! Why did I say that? I sound like I'm fishing for information! "No. I didn't even hear it. I was passed out." "Oh, well good to know I didn't wake you..." Ok time to cover up the stupid lie that can be easily unravelled. Time to talk about something else, throw dirt on the scent. "Hey what if I was in trouble!" "Yeah, at first I thought it might have been a booty call. But then I thought, oh no what if she's stranded in the city and needs a place to crash." "Ha, no, not a booty call, nor was I stranded. I was in my apt, warming up a burritto." Oh god, move on again, you're saying too much.. "What are you doing for father's day?" I asked. "I'm having dinner with my parents. You?" "Oh I don't talk to my dad much, so nothing." "You want my dad to call you?" "Haha, no thats OK, thanks though. Enjoy your day." "Talk to you later."

So Ok, something tells me that my ex either knew or quickly figured out that my "accidently calling the wrong number" story sounds a little fishy. Granted, there are about 3 other people in my phone with his name so its not a stretch... But the bigger lesson here - don't get wasted on a day where you talked about your ex for any extended amount of time b/c chances are you'll do stupid sh** when the alcohol starts talking..

I guess it could have been worse - I could have actually left a message :-O

Live for the unknown

I've gone through a phase in my life where I've been so obsessed about knowing what the future holds. Everyone tells you that you cannot know this ahead of time but I'd try to figure it out by whatever means possible (i.e. reading horoscopes, trying to see patterns and trying to predict outcomes). The obsession of wanting to know something before it happens can overwhelm a person.

But today.. today I just had a sense that maybe embracing the fact that my future is for the large part unknown and unknowable is a much better idea. Somehow now I am intrigued by future possibilities rather than scared. Its like quantum theory - the possibilities are endless until the time comes and I choose one course of action over the other. That is the only time when things are known for certain - once they happen, and not before; something obvious to most but not to me for the longest time.

Given the fact that there has been nothing major that has happened to me that I was able to predict with any impressive accuracy, it is clear to me now, after years of obsession, that it's time to stop trying to look into a crystal ball (figuratively that is.. I wasn't that crazy :) ) and start living with a more optimistic outlook.

If by unfortunate circumstance I step out of my apartment and get hit by a bus, well that would be funny wouldn't it? Tragic.. but funny nonetheless.

:)