Interacial Dating Kind of Sucks...

Ok so for most people who know me, you know that I'm an equal opportunity dater. If I find you attractive, no matter the race, I'll give you a chance.. well unless you're a black guy I'll give you half a chance.. this isn't racist as much as knowing my race well enough to know what to expect. I realized the other day though that most of my friends who are currently dating someone are dating interracially.. practically all of them. And I thought wow how progressive.. Then I remembered the time I was in San Francisco with my boyfriend and a drunk bum who happened to be a black guy looked at us and said "What is that some kind of experiment?" Oh and then there are the weird stares we'll get from time to time. There are also the stories he's told me about how this white girl who is dating this black guy were walking in San Francsico when this black woman bum just came up to the girl and punched her in the face! AND the time his other friend was in SF on Castro on Halloween and got beaten up by some black guys that didn't like the fact that his girlfriend was black. What a mess...

And as far as tolerance goes, California is the Mecca.. yet intolerance still runs rampant.. not only intolerance, but active intolerance.

I had a drunken conversation with my boyfriend about how interracial dating is annoying enough but interracial marriages are even harder. In his idealistic, I'm the youngest child and like to dream attitude, he believes that if you're in love with someone it shouldn't matter the race b/c love conquers all yada yada. Yeah whatever. The problem with interracial marriage that you dont so much have in interracial dating is that you're probably going to have a child.. or many.. whatever floats your boat. Are you ready to bring a child into the world that is going to have identity issues out the ass? Not to mention dealing with ish other ignorant people put them through.. It's just a hard decision and so most people choose just to stick with their own race when its time to stop dickin around and get married.

The other problem is that its harder for some couples than others. I was talking to a friend today about how I'm usually oblivious but this weekend I noticed a lot of stares from people in Palo Alto. And I'm like what the hell are you looking at? You didn't stare at that white and asian couple walking down the street hand in hand or the fifty other asian/white couples that came before them! I guess tolerance has to do with contrast. White/Black - Awful! White/Kind of white not really white but white enough - Eh not excited about it, but acceptable. White/Brown - Um what the hell? Wait, do they have a lot of money? Ok fine..

I'm making sweeping generalizations about interracial stuff but I guess that's b/c I'm especially bitter after having my mom tell me that if I had interracial kids she doesnt know if she could deal b/c it would remind her of slavery and how I'm ignoring my whole ancestry.. so that cuts down my marriage options.. maybe I won't even have kids.. who knows..

I wish I didn't have to think of interracial issues. But with the prospect of physical and/or verbal assault, having a well-meaning but racist mother, and having an A in Racial Identity Development seminar which pretty much taught me that interracial people usually have a harder time of figuring out "who they are," I guess I'm having to reconsider the whole thing.. Not to say any of this weighs more heavily than the prospect of having exotically beautiful children.. Le sigh..

Not in Love

I'm not in love
It's just a phase that I'm going through
Always looking for something new
But don't go running away.
Enrique Iglesias ft. Kelis "Not in Love"

Ha, who ever thought Enrique Iglesias would have anything to say worth listening to? Don't get me wrong.. I think he's hot.. he could do without the singing though. But yeah, I realized that I'm not in love, I'm in "like." And thats kind of lame. Funny enough I don't take my own advice. I always wonder why people stay in relationships they really don't think are going anywhere... but I've realized something. Having regular access to sweet ass, having someone to do things with when you'd otherwise be bored, and snuggling up with someone you like is better than not having it..

Is that lame? maybe.. but I'm a jaded jaded woman.. so that "L" word doesn't mean much to me anyhow and maybe my heart has become so cold that the sun couldn't melt it.. but thats just speculation :-)

Overwhelming Urges Part Deux

If VH1 can try to win back fans by redoing a whole concept, I will too damnit!

Anywho.. the first time I had an overwhelming urge, it was to tell the guy that I was dating that I didn't think it would work out and that we should both move on. So overwhelming was the urge that I wanted to do it as soon as I woke up just to get it over with and return back to sleep. The end result was that I never did act on the urge and I'm still dating the guy.. happily.

For the past week though I've had the overhwelming urge to utter the words "I love you." BUT just as I didn't act on the other urge, I probably won't act on this one. Once you say the word love, I feel as though you can't back track. This person now knows that you're practically putty in their hands. Also, I read once, that a girl should never be the first one to say I love you. The reasoning was something like the guy might give a response that appeases a girl but doesn't really mean it and may make him start thinking that he needs to find an exit before things get any more serious. And if you wait for him to say it, you'll know that he's thought about it long enough that he means it.. since he doesnt want to say it and it not be mutual. yada yada.. So thats one reason that I'll keep my mouth shut.

The other reason I won't say it is because I think it's ridiculous that I'm even thinking of saying it. Like do I really feel that way? I don't really love him. I love my family. I love my friends. I've known family and friends for years and this guy, 3 months, tops. Granted, I've realized that there is a definite difference in "kinds of love" (i.e. familial vs. romantic), but I still don't know if I'm being genuine.

Maybe I have the urge b/c I want a reaction. Maybe I think it will bring us closer. Or maybe I just think its a good thing to say after 3 months? Hm. And then I realize that if I did in fact love this person, it would be a conditional love. Like say his life started hitting the hard-knocks or there was something emotionally stressful that happened, or he decided he wanted to move to another country.. would I cry? No. Would I try to fix the problem? Probably not. Would I try to convince him to stay or better yet, run away with him. NO. So clearly, its all conditional.

I guess I'll just take the urge as a sign that things are going well. And who knows, I might confess in a fit of drunkeness.. here's to hoping for the best ;-)

Is Repenting Acceptable?

So I've decided to take a little break from my relationship diatribes. Life every writer (I use the term very loosley) who gains a concious at some point, I anticipate loosing some fans. I mean there are probably only 5 people who read this blog on a regular basis, so I guess I'm not that special ;)

Either way, after having a conversation with my roommate, I remembered an event that happened in my life that I absolutely dread. In high school I did one of the meanest thing's a friend can do to another friend. I won't say what it was but I ended up losing the trust of a close friend. Yeah it was high school and yeah everyone is retarded but of course, somehow, vindictive little me crossed the line.

I recalled how much I hated the person at the time and couldn't care less if they fell off the face of the earth. Then I fastforward a year later, freshman year of college. I hadn't talked to this friend in about a year, but suddenly got this feeling of disgust. I remember it was after my roommate read a card her sister had sent to her. I don't remember the exact words but the card expressed so much love and acceptance that it moved me to think about the friendships I had in my life. When I left high school I had burned bridges with two of my closest friends and I could not care less.. at the time. I tried to go to sleep but I couldnt. I walk over to my computer and start balling. I start crying I guess because I couldn't imagine how I could have hurt people so much, on purpose. I start typing apology letters, not really thinking they would get a response, but hoping that the recievers would understand that at the time, I was a different person, I was a person I didn't want to be. Since then I had grown. I had learned a lot in college and I finally realized I wanted, and needed to "repent" from my past transgressions. SEND

I don't remember when they replied and how we reconciled our differences but I was forgiven. I look back now and wonder how I could have been so stupid! These friends are currently two of my best friends who make me laugh the most out of anyone I know. When I'm home we all hang out, when I turned 21 they flew in to celebrate with me. And these are the people I thought were absolutely dispicable when I was in high school, go figure.

I tell this story because it made me start to wonder about religion and repenting. I once heard a guy say that Christianity upset him because of the idea that a man can spend all his life molesting children but can repent on his death bed and go to heaven. Now I'm not a Christian but I feel there must be some clause about the ability to repent. If you've been evil all you're life, no amount of repenting the second before you die is going to get you anywhere.. but thats all speculation I guess.

In any case, so for a period of time a person is evil. A person, through life experiences, looks back and realizes the error of their ways. Should this person be held any less accountable for the evil deeds they did because they've become a "new" person? Maybe it's easier to picture if the person, say, killed someone. Say a killer spends 10 years in jail and becomes completely disgusted with the person they used to be. Should this person be entitled to another chance at life? forgiven for their past trespasses? It seems that forgiveness depends on the extent of your evil. Maybe you stole money from your parents as a teenager, it was teenage angst, you're forgiven. Maybe you ate a baby.. dude you ate a baby, you're a baby eater, you're going to HELL! I guess even I wouldn't trust a baby eater no matter how much they believe they've changed.

But seriously. If I've experienced a disconnect in who I am as a person, I'm sure many people do. It's a weird concept to me though that at present, as you are living your life day to day, you are responsible for every action. But in the future when you look back, you are somehow granted the ability to dismiss actions you feel you took out of ignorance or because life was unfair to you, etc. Interesting..

Well I'm sure as hell glad that people know how to forgive. I'd probably have no friends if this weren't the case..

and P.S. if this doesn't make any sense to you, thats okay. This probably won't make as much sense to me tomorrow.

P.P.S. Anytime you think you're a little pregnant, just a little, which means not a lot pregnant, try E.P.T.

Romantic Vs. NOT Romantic

Romantic: Listening to soft alternative/jazz

NOT Romantic: Listening to "Shake yo ass! Watch yo self! Shake yo ass!"

Romantic: An evening involving strawberries, chocolate, and wine

NOT Romantic: An evening involving smirnoff rasberry body shots and dancing on a bar

Romantic: Helping your date get into their coat

NOT Romantic: Trying to help your date get into their expensive coat which
you happen to drop on the dirty ass floor

Romantic: Sipping red wine over conversation

NOT Romantic: Spilling red wine on your date's shirt

Romantic: Gently kissing and caressing throughout the night

NOT Romantic: Making out until both your lips are chapped

Romantic: Making sweet love from 11:30 am until dawn

NOT Romantic: Making sweet love until dawn (if you started at 9:30, too much chaffing)

Romantic: Whispering sweet nothings in your lover's ear

NOT Romantic: Snoring in your lover's ear


And that has been this installation of Romantic Vs. NOT Romantic

Talkin Shit

Its a funny thing how much shit people probably talk about their own friends. "Who needs enemies when you've got friends.." or family for that matter. In general, talking shit isn't an awful thing to do, especially when you're talking shit about good friends. You don't hate them, they just do stupid things.. at times. It's all harmless.. unless someone breaks the friend code and tells the other friend that you've been talking shit about them. Oh that's no good. That ruins everything!

I mean come on. Its fun to talk about your friends, and it makes sense. Who else would you talk shit about? Celebrities? Ok that's kind of funny. Strangers? You don't know shit about them. I mean you can talk about their appearance but that's so superficial. I mean you know so much about your friends that you have ample fodder for shit talking. Plus talking about your friends gives you some relief. Maybe you're jealous of your friend that looks better than you, gets more attention, gets better grades.. so to feel better about yourself you're going to tell another friend about how ugly you think your friend's wardrobe is, or even deeper, how she confided in you that she has issues about being beat by brooms as a kid so now she makes her boyfriend slap her on her ass with a broom before they get it on.. Or say your friend is planning on doing something you think is just stupid. Instead of trying to take control of your own life, it probably helps to talk to someone else about how you can't understand why anyone would ever do what your friend is about to do and put your two cents in about why your friends life is going to suck. You're not giving the advice to the friend but giving the advice while talking to someone else makes you feel so intelligent and above idiocy.. regardless of the mistake you seem to keep making in your life.

Haha, talking shit is great, its natural. What's not natural is having someone tell everyone how much shit you've been talking about them. That's just unfair; especially because we all do it. Say you've been criticizing a good friend behind their back and then someone tells them that. This person is going to feel hurt. How could that bitch do that to me? We're friends!

Well of course you're friends. That's why they didn't tell it to your face! I guess talking shit is also a better alternative to telling people what your really think which is bound to hurt their feelings. I read once in Psychology Today that things like jealousy and envy are natural human feelings because they are evolutionary advantageous. The logic goes, you see your next door neighbor doing better than you are. This makes you envious or jealous and stirs up the urge for you to do as well as they are doing or even better. This way you keep up with society, don't get relegated to the outskirts, and get to (drum roll please) spread your seed/have babies.

So all I'm sayin is, if you find out that your friend has been saying such and such about you, don't get mad. Well ok, get mad, its natural. But before you call them up to confront them and curse them out, first think that it's likely that that person is envious of something you have. But if you are truly doing something retarded, then they aren't envious, you're just retarded and they didn't want to be mean.. to your face! And isn't that what friends are for? People who are nice to you regardless of the fact that everyone else thinks you're a bitch? Yup yup, good ol' friends :-D

Some things about girls I'll never understand

After talking to a good friend about her issues with men, it dawned on me that I may actually be a man born without a penis. Ok, well I was at least raised by a crazy woman, god love her, who refused to be classified as a stupid woman. So I guess in the end, the effect is the same. I just think women are retarded.

How many times have you heard a girl say that she is looking for a good, meaningful relationship yet continues to do the things that will not bring this desire to fruition? My friend for instance (if you're reading this don't worry. no one knows who i'm talking about ;) ) made the new years resolution to have a boyfriend that treats her well. What is she planning to do in the new year? Why she's going to visit two of her crazy exes. Now why do this if you're goal is the total opposite? Le sigh.

Why do girls continue to date someone they're really not that interested in in one way or another? WHY? Fear of loneliness? Well thats pathetic. Be a man! Dump the loser and keep truckin. If you're looking for the love of your life, you're definetly not going to find them while tied down to someone else you don't even like looking at in the morning.

Why do women date men who are physically or mentally abusive? WHY?

Why do women consistently neglect their friends once they start dating someone and then think its ok to come crying back to your friends once things don't work out..everytime! P.S. You're friends resent you. And if you are a serial monogamost, they probably hate you. And no, they're not jealous.

The list goes on. But I think a lot of women's retarded problems with men have to do with the sense that they need a guy. Women don't need men. I mean if you want to get pregnant and have kids, the most you need is sperm. We are no longer back in ancient days when women needed men to go hunt while they attended to other important tasks. Nor are we such a backwards society that women can't work and support themselves. Guys are nice to have around however. Guys arent girls, duh, so they think of things different, and they're stronger. So they provide good entertainment and strength when you need it. And a lot of people get through life easier knowing that someone love's them and is in their corner. But women who believe they need men (outside the realm of marriage and raising children) are often prone to dating the wrong guys, staying in abusive relationships, and acting in personally detrimental ways.

Instead women should feel that men are a nice addition to their lives. "Oh this guy's hilarious I'll keep him around." "Wow he's really good at moving heavy objects, I'll keep him around." I feel that when men are seen as people who ADD something positive to your life, you are less likely to deal with men who dole out bullshit. He treats you like crap and never calls? You don't need that girlfriend, kick him to the curb. He hit you? Oh hell no. Kick his ass to the cuurb.

You get my point. Granted, I too am a woman so I do make similar mistakes. For instance I was part of the faction of women who think "bad boys" are sooo hot. Not anymore! Man I can't even fathom dating some of the guys I dated ever again! It just might be that my crazy mother installed me with a higher learning curve than most women get. And in fairness, I do tend to act and think like a guy, which is probably not very sexy. Who knows. But please women, cut down on the retardedness. Thanks.

New Year, New Shit to Do

HAPPY NEW YEAR! (but truthfully 2005 is kind of a lame year. 2000 and 2004 were way more epic.. but thats just me)

So its a new year and everyone is supposed to have more resolutions about how they're going to change themselves for the better. I don't know why people save such important resolutions for the new year. If you've been trying to lose 5 pounds all year, chances are just because its a new day, and ok a new year, you're not going to be more committed to the cause. All the buzz around the new year makes people intially excited and motivated. So yeah maybe your resolution starts off promising. "I resolve to stop punching people in the face." The first couple of days you're fiiine. You're happy that its another year and punching people in the face was a thing of the past. Then a couple of weeks later someone says something that pisses you off and BOOM! A punch in the face. Then you realize why you punch people in the face. It may be a deep seated hate of your life in general. A new year isn't going to change this. Years of counseling, thousands of dollars, and personal introspection might help. Not a dumb resolution.

But I guess a new year does provide an impetus to change that may not exist otherwise during the rest of the year. I mean its a rare event that i wake up on a random day of the week and think, I need to change this, this, and this about myself. Time to do it! I need the flowing alcohol, Times Square ball, and Dick Clark to get me to change. And so do a lot of other people.

At first 2005 didn't seem so exciting. I mean I'm not graduating high school, starting college, or graduating college; which is why 2000 and 2004 were so awesome. But I am starting a new job, a new relationship (yes even I have conformed to "the man's" idea that boyfriends aren't evil), and a new lifestyle, with a family that is no longer in turmoil.. for now. No longer will I be coddled by my mother and handed money just because. The government will soon be after me to pay back school loans. As much as I'd like to move to south america and live under the assumed named "Maria Lovealot" I won't. I guess in summary I'm becoming an duh duh duuuuh! "Adult" in 2005.

So I say, "Hello 2005. So nice of you to come visit. What's new with me? Well what's new with you? You can't say? Well I guess I'll have to wait until 2006 gets here. 2006 always spills the beans."

So what's your resolution? And how long do you think it will be before you throw it out like a used condom?