Do things just happen?

As they say, we manifest into our lives that which we believe.

I wonder though, is this an all or none phenomenon?

I vacillate between feeling as if life just "happens" to you and thinking that, we can have anything we want, as long as we want it, believe in it, and work towards it.

Starting from friendship

Anyone who has read my blog is probably sick and tired of hearing me go on ad nauseum about how relationships should start off as friends first. But today another reason dawned on me as to why this approach works so well.

In a way, as slight or subconscious as it might be, when we pursue someone romantically, we are asking them to do something for us; namely, to like us in return, to return our affections, and to be responsible for our emotions. This can weigh on how someone interacts with you.

On the other hand, approaching someone as a friend or potential friend does not weigh as heavily on either of you. Your interactions exist to give something to one another without demanding reciprocations. Reciprocation is implicit since you would only stay friends with someone, for the most part, if you received as much social benefit from them as they receive from you.

I'd say this mutual reciprocation is a good foundation for romantic relations to come later.


Anyway, back to studying...

What Obnoxious People Teach Us

I recently had a conversation with a friend who sought advice from me about dealing with people you don't like. I guess I should be an expert by now since I've been in a sea of people I don't quite like for quite some time! In any case, through talking to her I realized something about obnoxious people - they can bring out the worst in you or help you grow as a person. If they do the latter, maybe its best you thank them for their behavior?

In all seriousness, obnoxious people are to the regular person what sick people are to doctors and scientists. It sucks to be the sick person, but to the observer, healer, and investigator, sick people represent a chance for one to learn not only about disease processes in the human being but also about the normal mechanisms of the human body.

Why do we find someone obnoxious? When you really think about it, it could be that they remind you of a trait that you detest in yourself. Or they are engaging in behavior that is not considered to be socially acceptable. For example, a person you find obnoxious because they brag about their success. In most settings, we like people who are humble. So the obnoxious person is breaking a certain social rule. But really, why do most people like those who are humble? I'd postulate that when someone brags about their success it causes us to take a magnifying lens to our own lives. "Have I done anything nearly as successful as this person?" If not, the obnoxious person may just make you feel like a loser, even if you only feel that way subconsciously.

Wow! Feeling like a loser. That's not such a great feeling. Many of us have been complemented and supported most of our lives because we were "smart," "successful," "attractive," etc. And now here comes someone to rain on your parade and make you question how smart, successful, or attractive you really are.

What to do? What to do?

Well, some people lash out at the obnoxious person or simply just spew vile things about the person to make them "go away" and make the negative feelings of inadequacy go away. "Ugh I can't stand that bitch. She's such a [insert negative noun]," or "She's not really hot you know. If you look at her close up she has a mole on her left cheek." Or we find ways to reduce the size of their achievements,"yeah anyone could do that if they were given a leg up too." Either way, whether these thoughts are said out loud or to ourselves, the purpose of these comments are to make US feel better about OURSELVES. I've been guilty of this many a times. But after 4 + 1 years (undergrad + grad school) of being around people I can't stand, I'm learning to turn that frown upside down!

When I'm confronted with an obnoxious person or a person I don't particularly like, while my initial response may be to say something negative, I try to get to the root of my dislike, and once I get there I try to fix my negative feelings by substituting positive feelings or actions. For instance overachievers in my field can stir a lot of negative feelings in many people. But making fun of an overachiever is just too easy. Furthermore many overachievers are driven by low self-esteem anyway, so why feed into that?

Instead, I realize that overachievers make me wonder about how much I'm achieving, am I measuring up, and will I ever get what *I* want in my life? These are questions I do need to ask myself though, as they are important in directing my career goals. Some people might be spurred to do something, anything(!) when confronted by negative feelings that an overachiever brings them. Instead, I just make sure I'm on the right course, and if I HAVE been taking a lazy route, I know its time to get off my bum and pursue something I'M interested in; not something I think other people want to see me do. In the end, it helps me grow.

Quite honestly its easy for me to judge people and they go in a bin. My bin of "people I dislike" is always in need of a spacial upgrade whereas the "people I do like" bin always looks sparse. But to let all those people I dislike know I don't like them is to my disadvantage. Because as humans we need each other for many things and burning bridges, unless completely necessary, is silly. Furthermore, there is always a chance that a person I dislike turns out to be someone I do like later on after some crucial event.

So my friends, while it is not necessary to smile and thank people you can't stand, next time you're bitching about someone, get to the root of the matter. What is it that you don't like about that person, and how can this knowledge benefit you in some way?

Ciao!