I have a crush!

Now I know this isn't late breaking important news, but, ehem, I have a bona fide crush! I've been denying it for a while but I thought, maybe if I just say it, somewhere, to someone, I'll stop thinking about it so much.

I've wondered why I even have a crush on this guy? I met him while I was still dating my ex-bf while at a party of sorts. I had drank quite a bit so I don't remember much of our conversations but I do remember him saying that right now he wants someone he can "settle down with." Maybe that's what's got me.. but then again, he's in his early 20s, so its just his hormones talking. Secondly, I'm not so much in the settling down mood anyway. So what is it really? He's really cute, fun-loving, and perceptive in strange ways. The negative? He's like a kid. We're practically the same age, but the belief that women are much more mature than men their age proves to be quite true in this situation. Though I think that part of my "crush" on this guy is fueled by the fact that I made my relationship w/ my ex so serious AND my ex is older than me. So now I think I just want to experience the flip side.

Problem is, I'm never good with crushes. The only crush I actually dated was my ex and that situation was very different than this one. My ex and I lived together and so it was easy to play the game and keep him *thinking of me* which is huge when trying to rope someone in. In this case though, we only have one mutual acquaintance who I don't talk to or hang out w/ much. Plus! There's always the issue of "competition." Most of the time, I figure girls are so bad when it comes to dating guys - overly clingy, try to rope them in w/ sex, etc. - that I stand a good chance to "win" the guy over. Problem is that with younger guys, hormones rule and thus, all the "competition" really has to do is be nice and be willing to sleep with the guy. Unless of course he is truly holding out for true relationship material.

But then again, I'm not ready for a relationship right now. But I also don't want to get involved in anything casual! So once again I'm paralyzed by my reluctance to move forward... which I guess is a good thing anyway.

The other issue is that I've ran into this guy twice after our first meeting. I know he thinks I'm attractive - he's said so - and thinks I'm "cool" - he's said so - but he's never made a move; no "hey we should hang out" on his end.

Hmph. What a state of affairs. A crush I sorta want to date but not right now...

The Brain and Dating

I for one love the brain. To me, it is the most impressive organ in the body. Some may say the heart or the kidneys are equally impressive; not me.

The brain is interesting for varied reasons, but on the topic of dating, I think its interesting to think about how the brain processes information in the environment.

Deepak Chopra has written about the idea of the individual as the creator of the world rather than individuals living in a world that is pre-made. One example he cites to make one start *thinking* is the idea of roses and their color. What makes a rose red? Well a wavelength is emitted from the rose petal and the signal is picked up by our retina which has encoded this color as "red."

Taking "Dr." Chopra's thoughts further, does a bumble bee see a red rose? A bumble bee's vision is quite different from ours but it exists in the same space. Turns out they do not see red at all! They see UV light up to 700 nm. 800 nm is the wavelength for the color red. Poor bees. Red does not exist in their world. But then again, we can't see UV so who is really missing out?

But I digress. Point being, though I'm not sure I buy into the "we are the creators of our world both physical and mental" idea that "Dr." Chopra promotes, he raises and interesting point; namely, we are what we perceive.

Now here is the interesting thing about perception. For certain phenomenon it is hard to perceive things as much different than they are. Red is red to most people. But what about the the artist who through his or her craft has developed a different perception of colors such that red comes in many shades to them and that your red, is not their red. It gets more interesting when this is related to language... but I'm really digressing at this point.

Back to dating. So I've skipped the whole argument that the brain perceives things based on experience, but we'll take that as fact for now, b/c I don't have the will to construct such an argument based on actual evidence. So indulge me. If it is true that perception is based on experience of the world, then it should also be true that perceptions can be manipulated and changed.

It relates to the advice many women get - act confident and beautiful and the guy will see you as confident and beautiful. Its very easy to second guess oneself - e.g. how can I be confident and beautiful with this huge zit on my face?! (I ask myself this a lot)

But no worries. It is all about perception. Perceptions can be tinkered with. Thus why the Denzel Washington's of the world are married to women who would be called a lot less than "beautiful."

In any case, I took you through this complicated ass post just to say, perception is what you make of it. In the dating/mating game, you may not be the most beautiful girl available, but you can be the most alluring. An allure has a lot to do with perception...

Eureka!

I always wondered why a lot of doctors look a lot younger for their age. I mean, I'm bad at telling people's age. But still. At 40, 50, 60+ a lot of doctors I've seen have great skin and seem to still exhibit some youthful features.

As I sit in my room on yet another Saturday night, it makes sense! Unlike their peers who go out to bars, clubs, lay in the sun, drinking and smoking (e.g. people who enjoy their lives), doctors spent a significant amount of their time studying all the damn time at home, in libraries, etc. Not as much time for all the drinking, smoking, and other environmental exposures that make us look worse as we age.

That's an upside right?

Treading water

Sometimes I feel as if I am going nowhere fast
I have accomplished nothing tangible, nothing anyone can give me credit for
But, in my more lucid moments, I realize that I have not been treading water at all
Instead I have been peeling off layers, and discovering the better, more effective me
Shedding the things that are not me, and growing each day
A slow process yes
But before you know it, looking back, I will hardly recognize myself
And hardly realize how much time has gone by
It is sometimes hard to live in the moment, but it is a necessary skill
The future awaits, yes, but the future is built on each moment in the present
To learn, to live, to love, to appreciate, to live in the here and now
Hard but doable
Hard but important
One is never treading water when one is learning to do these things

New Dating Rule: Date someone who is where you want to be

I had a Eu-fuckin-reka moment today.

I have this friend. My intent in this post is not to bad mouth my friend or put her down or anything, so if it comes off as such, it's just b/c I'm not very eloquent.

So anyway, I have this friend. She was dating a guy at my medical school, but they broke up and now she's dating another guy at my medical school. Not a very interesting story at first, but it becomes more interesting when I think of her dating pattern. To be honest, the reason I began thinking about her dating history was when I pointed her out to an acquaintance while at a party and told him that she was one of very few attractive medical students. Within 5 seconds yet another medical student was hitting on her. Later on this acquaintance mentioned that he thought she and I were both attractive but wondered why she got hit on all the time. He didn't go as far as to ask if I did, and if not, why not.. but that alone made me wonder. I mean it makes sense, she's pretty, she's amicable, she's very feminine - which for guys who lack a lot of masculinity is a great draw... but then my mind started to wander until I realized something about her dating pattern..

As an undergrad she was dating a guy who wanted to to get a masters from a competitive program that accepted very few candidates. They eventually broke up, but both of them got into the program. Then she started dating another guy (days after her break up with the first guy). This new guy wanted to get into med school at his alma mater, which would be a difficult task given that the med school doesn't like taking its "own" students. Lo and behold he got in. Two years later, guess who else gets in? My friend! Now she's dating a guy who has won a prestigious award. Something tells me that in the not too far future, she may be a winner of this prestigious award too. And you know what, it makes sense.

When you date someone who is doing something you want to do, you have an intimate view into the process. More than that, you have a leg up in many ways. B/c she dated a guy who was going to the medical school she wanted to gain acceptance to, she was introduced to a lot of activities on the med school campus and got involved as the head-bitch-in-charge of one activity which has led her to a really cool research project working w/ heads of the medical school, as a first year student!

The thing is, I don't think she does it on purpose. She's very genuine so I don't think she goes after guys to "learn secrets" and then move on. It makes me wonder though.. its as if destiny has put certain people in her path so that she can reach the next milestone..

It made me wonder then, does the same thing happen w/ me? Well, not really. Instead it seems like the people I date eventually end up at a better place. Though my sample size is a whopping 2 in both of these examples, my first "ex-boyfriend" wanted to be a comedian but struggled to do weekly gigs at random bars. Now? He won a national competition and will be on comedy central. Although that probably had very little to do w/ me seeing that I have no idea what it takes to be a successful comedian.. My current/last (yes we're in limbo right now) boyfriend really really wanted to go to my alma mater. Now? Two years later, he's here.

The only thing I can piece together from all these seemingly "coincidental" dating histories is that one should date someone who is where they want to be. It's the best way to get advice and to see how success is achieved! Now, I hope that you can also get to the same place by being *friends* with someone who is where you want to be.. but that might be a little more tricky.

So I guess that means I should keep an eye out for any Rhodes, Fulbright, Marshall scholars, anyone who does international health research, or anyone who has started a successful start-up. Haha, my goals are all over the place, but maybe it will be in destiny's plans to present me with a friend who can help me get ahead!

Damn I'm Lucky

I had lunch with a friend today in downtown Palo Alto. I spent a lot of that time complaining about med school, but also realizing that I needed to take everything more seriously, as I'm now planning a career; as opposed to "finding myself" which is what undergraduate education is all about.

As I drove off, I looked to my right and saw a family enjoying the nice weather. It had to be around 75-80 degrees. The father carried his son on top of his shoulders. The child's grandparents followed behind, smiling and chatting. As I looked at this family I thought wow. Here I am, doing exactly what I set out to do from when I was a kid. More than that, even though I'm tied to a desk and chair now, in a few years I will have such a sense of autonomy I won't know what to do with myself! I'll be a doctor! And you can take that *anywhere.* Ok, maybe I'll have to do residency for 5 years to truly be a *useful* doctor, but you get my point.

I think the family triggered those thoughts because of their leisurely stride and happy attitude. I'm not there yet, but because of my career, one day I will be.

Anyway, back to the books..

Can you initiate contact to make friends?

I learned from my undergraduate dating career that having to initiate contact with a guy to pursue a date is a big No, NO! Some people will tell you that that's bs and they pursued so and so and it worked out. Whatever, in my experience you just start out on the wrong foot. Especially because if a guy wants you that bad - which of course any guy you are considering dating should want you "that" bad - he'd find a way to contact you.

Currently I'm in an interesting situation. Having recently broken up with my boyfriend, I feel the need to make new friends; friends I can hang out with, go to parties with, etc. My mother used to say, "Don't date. You should just have 'friends'" Quite honestly I thought "friends" was code word for friends with benefits. But I've recently questioned her about the whole "friends" issue and she really just meant friends and NO benefits. Gotta love the 'rents. They're so cute.

Any how, I met this guy. We'll call him, Mr. Sportsfan. Mr. Sportsfan is in another graduate program at my University and I've met him twice.. both times I had been drinking, so had he, but I'm not sure he was drunk really. The first time I had a boyfriend and so while there was some talking going back and forth, I don't remember there being much flirting. The second time I was sans boyfriend and I *thought* we were flirting, but Mr. Sportsfan never "closed the deal" so I'll take it as innocent flirtation.

Well Mr. Sportsfan might make great "friend" material (remember friends with NO benefits). He's way too young (i.e. my age), we can just shoot the shit, and there is enough of a lack of interest on both our parts that a friendship can stay within the bounds of innocent flirting.

But seeing that I'm not good at making friends, especially guy friends, I'm kind of at a loss as to how to proceed. Since we're both single any attempt at initiating a friendly activity could be seen as trying to get a date. Furthermore, is approaching a guy for friendship as bad as approaching him for a relationship? And by approaching, I'm not suggesting calling or emailing and being like "hey can we be friends?" LAME. I mostly mean acknowledging a person's presence... which for a guy has a lot of implications..

Hm, skin block is boring me and I feel in the mood to experiment..